Really!? Really.

MommaBear started this discussion · 9/30/2010

This is a fight that is at least 2 months old, nonetheless, it keeps being brought up. So, I am beginning to question my original position. Some local poling gals were heading up to a bar that has a pole to have some fun. I would have loved to go, but my husband was so incredibly, vehemently pissed off, that I didn't. He argues that it is completely disrespectful for me to want to swing around on a pole in a bar, in front of a room full of guys. I argue that I could care less who was in the room, it isn't and wasn't about getting attention in a bar, it was about having a fun night out with like minded women. He calls bull$**! on that 🙄 I just cannot get him to understand that this is not a big deal - it isn't about me going out and "impressing" other men - it is about me going out and having a fun time with woman who share a common interest. It's about me going on and being proud of the work I have done and sharing my progress and learning from my fellow poling friends. I wasn't going in stripper shoes, a thong and a tube dress - I was planning on wearing shorts, a tank top (with a tight sports bra under it) and flip flops (intending on poling barefoot). On a side note, even if I was to get an ounce of satisfaction by feeling like people (and yes, even the ones with penises) were impressed by what I could do, isn't that just basic human nature anyway?! He just cannot comprehend how on earth I think that this is in any way, shape or form acceptable. He stands by his position of - go to a studio all you want - but going to a bar where other people (which means men I am guessing) are going to be watching me - is absolutely, unbelievably wrong and the fact that I think that there is NOTHING wrong with it makes me the butthole. To put the icing on the cake, my ex (my oldest son's father) is a DJ, who happened to be DJing that night at that bar. Now I can understand the discomfort with that, but at the same time, REALLY!? This guy knocked me up 10 years ago and will now be a part of my life until one of us bites the dust. I can't avoid having some kind of relationship with him, and I have chosen to accept him for who he is and find peace with it and be his friend. I don't want to be filled with hate, bitterness and contempt for the next 50 years. (That in itself is unacceptable - that I consider him a friend). So, we will be in the same building - I guess that means I am personally performing for him 🙄 I partially understand his issue, but at the same time, because I know what my intentions are I can't see why it is a big deal. Can someone please enlighten me here, because I am starting to make myself crazy.

34 replies

megs982 · 9/30/2010
I have no sort of advice, but my husband is the EXACT same way lol
minicoopergrl · 9/30/2010
Hugs to you dear! Sometimes men just like to toss a wrench into our plans just b/c they feel like it. I know how you feel, my DH hates when I pole outside of class. I wanted to street pole while we were at the lake this summer but he wouldnt even take the picture for me! I keep thinking if I was taking gymnastics instead and showed off my handsprings, flip etc - would it be different? IMO, I dont think it has to do with you. He can trust you, he just cant trust everyone else that will be there. I can see where hes coming from about the ex being there. But like you said that was 10yrs ago and you let him be him and thats all you can do about it. If you need to talk, im here. Feel free to shoot me a PM.
MommaBear · 9/30/2010
I have no sort of advice, but my husband is the EXACT same way lol Well, the next time I am in Indiana we will have to let our husbands get together and talk about what crappy wives we are and in the meantime we will have to find a great bar with a pole 😂 😂 Does your hubby get cranky about the videos too? I took some of my original ones down after having it brought up and thrown in my face every other day - how inappropriate it was for me to post that "$**!" on the internet for everyone to see 🙄 So now I don't post anything that has actual dancing - just straight up trick stuff.
minicoopergrl · 9/30/2010
[Does your hubby get cranky about the videos too? I took some of my original ones down after having it brought up and thrown in my face every other day - how inappropriate it was for me to post that "$**!" on the internet for everyone to see 🙄 So now I don't post anything that has actual dancing - just straight up trick stuff. Mine thinks I only care about myself when I do the videos. I shoot the videos when my kids are at my MIL's (my son's babysitter comes to our house and I have come straight home so she can go to her second job). Its not like im neglecting my kids and leaving them home alone KWIM? He told me that I would much rather go put a video up for random strangers than go pick up my kids from my MIL's. My thinking is when is the next time I get a break from the kids for more than an hour???? I hardly get a break from them to begin with and when I do get to socialize w/folks who arent my coworkers I get my butt chewed out 2 weeks later.
megs982 · 9/30/2010
I have no sort of advice, but my husband is the EXACT same way lol Well, the next time I am in Indiana we will have to let our husbands get together and talk about what crappy wives we are and in the meantime we will have to find a great bar with a pole 😂 😂 Does your hubby get cranky about the videos too? I took some of my original ones down after having it brought up and thrown in my face every other day - how inappropriate it was for me to post that "$**!" on the internet for everyone to see 🙄 So now I don't post anything that has actual dancing - just straight up trick stuff. Let me let you in on a little secret 😉 now don't go tell my husband you know..when our husbands team up and say what bad wives we are when we are poling at the indiana bar LOL..He knows i take video..but he thinks its to watch my progress..He doesn't know i post them on here. Its sort of..he doesn't ask..i dont tell. I know its not completely right..but there is NO harm in posting video's here. Its not like im taking my clothes off posting it to Youtube for the world to see. lol
amy · 9/30/2010
men are dogs, really. and your husband is right: whether or not you are going to have fun, there are men there, who will smirk and laugh and maybe jerk off to you later. and he's not down with that. if you go to a club and dance on a pole, you will get attention from men. period. if you go to a club and dance on a pole, SOME men MAY get the wrong idea. if a coworker of his happened to be there too, how would that make him feel if his coworker gave him crap later? sorry, but pole is still on the fringes. if you want to go and have a blast on a pole with other women, and that's really and truly all that you want, then get some gals over for a play sesh somewhere. if i'm being compeltely honest, a part of me wants the attention of knowing that men and women out there are seeing me and thinking, damn. she's hot. but the other part of me knows that my boyfriend, despite how supportive he is, honestly gets uncomfortable when i put the sexy on for other people. and that part of me nearly always wins. i tone down my dancing for EVERY video.
chemgoddess1 · 9/30/2010
You need to invite him so that he can elbow the guy next to him and say "Yeah, that's MY wife!!" My ex husband probably would have been the same. He thought that any married woman should not wear revealing clothes because she was already taken and any man that let his woman do such just did not respect her. As you can see, he is my ex (for many reasons). There is an insecurity there. You are a hot momma...doesn't he understand that you are going to attract attention just walking in to a bar? And I did have a few issues with pictures prior to this past year. Now he just chuckles and pretty much says "Yeah, I have a great life" when people make comment. He has also stuck up for "us girls" when one of his buddies said we were going to a "Stripper Convention" up in Chicago. He told him to never call these girls strippers....they will KICK YOUR A$$!!
hookedonpole · 9/30/2010
I'm going to go out on a limb here and mean no disrespect at all. I hope this is received in the loving way it is intended. I am "old school" as it relates to my marriage. I absolutely understand that there is nothing wrong with poling, I NEVER thought it'd be something I do. I understand the stigma that comes with it which we work hard at breaking it down. As I said, I am old school and can understand your husband's concern. I totally understand it's poling with friends. I feel, we as wives, should be careful with going too far not only with poling, but with any hobby, the same for men and their hobbies. MANY years ago I played soccer, first co-ed then women's league. I started seasonally, then a tournament here and there and before I knew it, I was engaging in it every opportunity (and I'm not even that good). All my husband said is, "How far is this going to go?" I realized I was over-doing it because it wasn't necessary, I was playing enough to have "me" time. Same for my hubby, he was an avid fisherman and everytime I turned around, he was walking out the door, fishing poles and equipment in hand. He realized he was over doing it and cut back. With poling, it's absolutely so much fun and I take opportunities to participate as much as I can. However, I personally, FOR ME, would think twice if I were invited to pole at a bar or setting that would project something other than what we intend. This not only goes for pole, but any invitation by friends that would be questionable for me and my marriage. For some polers, it's not an issue, but when it's a concern for a husband, some thought should be taken. Sounds like you attend a studio, and maybe able to pole with others in your area. And sounds like he supports that. I'd kindly encourage you to put love of pole aside and consider your hubby's concern. My husband and I have a decision to build a hedge around our marriage and glad we have. Again, I know I'm probably not the norm with this thought, however, I send with kindness and for consideration. Please no one be mad at me. 😨
MommaBear · 9/30/2010
Hugs to you dear! Sometimes men just like to toss a wrench into our plans just b/c they feel like it. I am ready to take the wrench and beat him over the head with it! 😈 Ugh, your husband sounds very much like mine. Even the fact that I take time to pole is an issue. If I am looking at videos on youtube, I shouldn't be wasting my time with that stupid crap, I should be "doing my job". I am feeling particularly heated today, if you can't tell.
MommaBear · 9/30/2010
This is my problem, I can understand what every single person is saying!!!! I just go from one end of the spectrum to the other and can't seem to come to a consensus where I feel at peace with sticking at any one position. Where is Dr. Phil when you need him? 😂
DragonPhoenix · 9/30/2010
Going on an outting with friends to a bar with a pole sounds really fun 🥂 ...but like amyxshi said, men are dogs and you might actually get unwanted attention from a drunk and that could possibly be one of the reasons your hubby is completely against the idea of you going to one. There's too many people out there that get the wrong impression of girls pole dancing, regardless where its being done at and some guys might take it as an invitation that you want to pick a man up when you actually aren't there do do that and try their luck with taking you home with him. I can understand why you're fuming mad though, you had the chance to have a good time with your friends but the hubby was against it and ruined it for you but you need to understand that its likely only because he's trying to look out for you because he loves ya and doesn't want any jerks trying to pick up on you 🙂 Your Native American Pole Dancing Name is now Wild Spirit MommaBear btw. You might be married but dammit you still want to have fun and don't care where you are or who is around. If you're enjoying yourself then why care who's around? 🙂
luckylindyhopper · 9/30/2010
They longer I am married, the more sure I am that boys are sooo the weaker sex. Lol. I can see where he is coming from, to a degree. I would get if he was worried about other guys and/or your safety. I can also get maybe a fear of someone you mutually know seeing you and spreading rumors and such. As stupid as it is, poling still has a stigma about it. It sucks, but what can you do. I would see if maybe he would consider going with you, just so you can show him that it's nothing overly sexual and it's you having fun and expressing yourself creatively and athletically. I had issues with my hubby and the whole poling thing, but after he saw pictures and videos of me dancing and realized that it truly is athletic and a sport his whole perspective has changed. (He even told me he wants us to get a pole and he wants to invite our friends over to see what I can do. He's very kind, lol.) Hope you are able to resolve the situation!
chemgoddess1 · 9/30/2010
I want to clarify one thing about the bar that we go to. It is in the 'burbs and we typically go on Wednesday nights. At most there are 20 people in the bar. My husband is always there playing body guard and taking pictures. The last time that we went there were 4 guys that we were sharing the pole with (and they were doing some crazy crazy stuff!!). We have more people striking up conversations about where to learn pole dancing than anything else.
poledanceromance · 9/30/2010
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Telling a woman she should just expect to be harassed if she poles at a bar is no different than saying she should expect to be sexually assaulted for going out dressed sexy. To say "that's just the way it is" echoes the presumption that women are here for men's enjoyment. As long as you are not playing to the audience stripper-style, soliciting tips, flirting etc., you're not challenging your relationship. If you are behaving in a way that is respectful of the fact that you have a partner, it's not your fault if others objectify you. Some people just see all women as sex objects and whores. Why do you think men will say "you're too fat to wear those shorts?" it's because they think if you are not their definition of a sexy woman, you have no right to consider yourself sexy, either. And p.s., even if you were up there stripping and flirting, it still wouldn't give anyone the right to harass you. Just because it happens does NOT mean that it should. And it doesn't mean we should hide to avoid it. We are women and we are powerful. Better that the pigs out there should have to deal with it. That said, every relationship is different. And you have to work it out for yourself. But IMHO, "pole is risqué whether you like it or not" is both an unfair and dangerous response to this issue. It's allowing other people to label us and what we do as obscene and risqué. And frankly, it's not. We have the right to define what we do. And we have the strength to challenge those who tell us we're whores for doing it.
chemgoddess1 · 9/30/2010
We have the right to define what we do. And we have the strength to challenge those who tell us we're whores for doing it. Listen to you! This almost brought tears to my eyes. I love watching the budding of a strong, independent woman!
amy · 9/30/2010
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Telling a woman she should just expect to be harassed if she poles at a bar is no different than saying she should expect to be sexually assaulted for going out dressed sexy. To say "that's just the way it is" echoes the presumption that women are here for men's enjoyment. As long as you are not playing to the audience stripper-style, soliciting tips, flirting etc., you're not challenging your relationship. If you are behaving in a way that is respectful of the fact that you have a partner, it's not your fault if others objectify you. Some people just see all women as sex objects and whores. Why do you think men will say "you're too fat to wear those shorts?" it's because they think if you are not their definition of a sexy woman, you have no right to consider yourself sexy, either. And p.s., even if you were up there stripping and flirting, it still wouldn't give anyone the right to harass you. Just because it happens does NOT mean that it should. And it doesn't mean we should hide to avoid it. We are women and we are powerful. Better that the pigs out there should have to deal with it. That said, every relationship is different. And you have to work it out for yourself. But IMHO, "pole is risqué whether you like it or not" is both an unfair and dangerous response to this issue. It's allowing other people to label us and what we do as obscene and risqué. And frankly, it's not. We have the right to define what we do. And we have the strength to challenge those who tell us we're whores for doing it. PDR-- i compeltely agree with everything you've said here... but i dont think the issue is whether or not mommabear thinks its wrong, or okay, or feels objectified... it's how her husband feels about it.
poledanceromance · 9/30/2010
I was taking issue with 2 main things: 1) the "it's just everyone else he doesn't trust, not me" idea and 2) those who used reasons I stated above to justify how hubby feels. At the end of the day, I feel those justifications are irrational and grounded in what I stated in my last post
JBStarryEyedGirl · 9/30/2010
So, here are my 2 cents about this subject.. I think your husband is probably more threatened by your ex Djing there and you dancing (and him or another guy potentially getting to ogle your goodies lol). Sounds like he is ok with your dancing, just not so much in public without him. I would try to compromise with him so you can build up some trust, maybe if you wear jeans or pants (instead of shorts) and you only do tricks (no slutty dancin =) and if you have a friend video the tricks you do? That way he can really see whats going on, and hopefully chill out a little. I'm sure it is frustrating as hell for you! 😈 My bf is totally cool with me taking and now teaching classes and parties, but he is not cool with me going to pole dance at a bar unless he goes too. I do kinda feel like he is babysitting me, but on the plus side, I know that no guys will mess with me, and he will DD so I get a beer or 2 🥂 One other suggestion for ya.. why not ask your studio to do a pole night event on a fri or sat for a hour or 90 min? That way you can dress up sexy, dance with your girls, and THEN you can go to a bar =)
CrazyEyez · 9/30/2010
Not to offend (I'm new here) but maybe hubby is projecting, just a bit? Maybe when he sees a woman on a pole, or thinks of a woman on a pole, his thoughts aren't exactly "Hey, she really nailed that butterfly!" or "Great crouch spin!" or "Wow! The extension on that rockstar was nice!" and he doesn't want his wife to be objectified in a similar manner. After all, who knows the mind of a man better than another man? One day, pole fitness may be perceived as exactly what it is -- athleticism, form, and a lot of hard work -- but until we get there, I think it's important to take his feelings into consideration. I get your frustration, but think about foregoing the fun night out with the girls (without resentment) and have a pole installed in the bedroom instead. For what it's worth, my DH is supportive, loves how in shape my body is and how much I love pole, but still ... he wouldn't want any of his buddies to see me "bumpin' on brass." 😲
Rena LadyBug · 9/30/2010
Im glad i stumbled upon this post bc i was invited to go to a bar/club on monday w some girls from class and also David Owen and i want to go...... but im hesitant to bring it up to the hubs, bc im sure hrle wouldn't want me to go and i totally understand why. But i think it'd be such an adrenaline rush to pole in public and show everyone that big girls can pole too!!! Plus it was an adrenaline rush poling in front of my family at our reunion!! I wish he could come w me so after my turn i could go cuddle w him so no creepers bother us! Not saying they'd bother me, but u never know! (Sorry for typos im on my phone)
DragonPhoenix · 9/30/2010
Im glad i stumbled upon this post bc i was invited to go to a bar/club on monday w some girls from class and also David Owen and i want to go...... but im hesitant to bring it up to the hubs, bc im sure hrle wouldn't want me to go and i totally understand why. But i think it'd be such an adrenaline rush to pole in public and show everyone that big girls can pole too!!! Plus it was an adrenaline rush poling in front of my family at our reunion!! I wish he could come w me so after my turn i could go cuddle w him so no creepers bother us! Not saying they'd bother me, but u never know! (Sorry for typos im on my phone) Ask him 🌸 Let him know about that adrenaline rush you get when you show peeps the amazing tricks that can be done on a pole! Reassure him that all you want to do is have a good time with your gal pals and that you would even want him to go as well. He'll probably be glad you asked him rather than just going out and doing it, it shows that you respect his opinion ^^
MommaBear · 10/1/2010
PDR, Thank You and so wonderfully stated. Everything you've said is what I truly feel. Should I not be allowed to take the kids to the water park anymore? I wear less there than I would to a bar! If I had to spend my life worrying about every guys penis and opinion, I better invest in a burka collection. Then on the other hand, I don't want to disappoint or disrespect my husband. But in my heart I know that I am not doing anything wrong - I'm not swinging around the pole thinking 😈 Ha-ha, this is really going to piss him off 😈 At the time I wanted to go to this, I had just started pole. I didn't even know how to invert and my objective for going was to see some awesome pole stuff in person; I probably wouldn't have even had the guts to do a front hook spin; I just wanted to be a part of the fun and have a first hand experience at pole (my only other exposure to pole has been on youtube and SV). The end result is me feeling judged and disliked by the one person who is supposed to love and support me. In all honesty, this one event is just a culmination of events that have left me feeling pretty crappy. Our marriage is at it's last leg. We are separated and he has been living elsewhere since July. I'm just re-living all the events that have lead up to this point and this one seems to linger. We just sit at two different ends of the spectrum apparently and neither of us has room to give. Thank you all for your opinions. I'm always playing devil's advocate and trying to make sure I see things from my husbands point of view, but the more I think, the more I start to realize it may be time to be my own advocate.
poledanceromance · 10/1/2010
Thank you, MommaBear! I've definitely experienced being in a relationship with someone who is 180 from where you are. It's difficult, because sometimes people bring out the worst in each other and go to the point of no return. It's always heartbreaking for a marriage to end. But when all is said and done, your kids need you to be at your best and to see a high level of respect between you and dad. Sometimes the only way two people can really treat each other with the level of respect needed to raise kids fairly is to not be married. It seems like you've found that with your ex, and I think that's really admirable. Whatever happens, you clearly have the ability to advocate for yourself and your kids, which is what's most important. And thank you, chemmie! I definitely take that as a compliment coming from a badass chick like you! I am woman! Hear me.....shoulder mount?? 😂
reenie aka Mysfit · 10/1/2010
Sounds to me MommaBear that hubby is pretty protective of you and doesn't want to share you with any other males. Not a bad thing so long as he is controlled and not super possessive or jealous. It just means he thinks you are super smokin hot and doesn't want anyone else praying at his shrine.....or visiting his temple. I know it is frustrating for you but if the shoe was on the other foot and you vehemently didn't want him to go somewhere or do something, you would make sure he heard you loud and clear too. Given time, he may come around.......How long have you been together? My hubby had jealousy/possessive issues too......For the first 10 years or so of our marriage..... It seems to have simmered right down......The only thing he asks is that if I do out with the gals----not to be super super late-cuz he doesn't sleep well when I am not home. He worries.....(I can be the energizer bunny----going and going,,,,been known for a few 5am arrivals home 🤐 ) We have been married 20 years in June 2011 Hugs reenie
reenie aka Mysfit · 10/1/2010
Note to self----Read all the responses before I hop in with a comment........ 😕 I am sorry to hear that things have been rocky enough between the two of you that you are living in 2 different places. Huge hugs Momma.... Never mind my last post......seems rather out of context now...........Sheesh~hence why I must learn to read all the replies before I put my big ole foot in my big ole mouth.....(insert sheepish grin) Now, as I have been with my hubby for over 20years.....I will share a not so positive side.... I disliked my own hubby for several years when he went through what I still firmly believe was an early mid life crisis......This lasted like 3 years----I was at times entertaining the idea of "offing" him(only part joking) Yet, somehow we managed to find each other again. So, I guess what I am trying to say, is that there is always hope...... Sometimes, drifting apart can be an excellent learning curve for both people in a marriage to really learn about one another, learn to honor the differences, and embrace the diversity. In all honesty, this one event is just a culmination of events that have left me feeling pretty crappy. Our marriage is at it's last leg. We are separated and he has been living elsewhere since July. I'm just re-living all the events that have lead up to this point and this one seems to linger. We just sit at two different ends of the spectrum apparently and neither of us has room to give. Thank you all for your opinions. I'm always playing devil's advocate and trying to make sure I see things from my husbands point of view, but the more I think, the more I start to realize it may be time to be my own advocate.

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