not having children

Athena30 started this discussion · 5/19/2016

I've come to a point in my life where I feel like I need to get out there and pursue someone in hopes of having a family, or to dedicate my life to creative/other pursuits and be the introvert I naturally am who needs a lot of "me" time to ponder and recharge. Has anyone here dedicated to pursuits other than having children--and how has it worked out for you in the long run? Any regrets? I have nephews and nieces and will probably get pets once I'm feeling pretty stable with my career and where I want to live..I'm just confused, feel very indifferent about having kids like I can go either way, and I have a lot of other time-consuming goals I'd like to pursue. Thoughts?

27 replies

grayeyes · 5/19/2016
I'm an introvert, no kids, 46 years old, no regrets. I didn't choose not to have kids because I particularly wanted to pursue other things. I just didn't have any desire to raise a human being and, frankly, didn't feel qualified. As a younger person I wondered if I would end up 40 years old cashing in my 401K in a desperate attempt to have kids, but that didn't happen. I never felt any desire to have children and still don't. There are more no-kids folks out there than you think. I always figured if I needed kid time there are probably lots of ways I could volunteer with kids or could have spent more time with my nieces and nephews. In my younger years people questioned me more about my choice and sometimes I felt like a freak but not anymore. I don't know if times have changed or I'm just an old bat and don't care what people think anymore. :-)
Elyse Hauke · 5/19/2016
Athena, I am at a point in my life where having children is still an option for me so I can't speak to issue of having regrets for not having them but I sincerely doubt I ever will. As of right now, I think not having kids is one of the best decisions I have ever made. I have absolutely no desire or intention of having children and am often made to feel like something is wrong with me for my decision thus far. I am an Army wife and am surrounded by women who seemingly want nothing more in their lives than to have children and lots of them. I am often not accepted or included at functions and often feel alienate because I don't have kids. I finally just stopped trying to make friends with other military wives because I found that in my experiences thus far, they weren't interested in talking about or doing anything that didn't involve kids. Regardless of whether I had kids or not, I think it is ridiculous that these women are so focused on sharing birthing stories and talking about every minute detail of their children's lives every time they convene. I completely understand that their kids are important and I don't think that it's bad that they do this, it just gets exhausting when every time I interact with these women the same topic is replayed ad nauseam. Don't they have other interests, hobbies, personal goals? Don't get me wrong, I am great with kids but I am just one of those people who enjoys other people's kids for short periods of time and enjoy giving them back at the end of my time with them. The fact that my mom ran a home daycare business for most of my life and the fact that I have worked with kids in the aquatics industry from 14 to about 30 years old may also explain my lack of interest. I have been surrounded by kids most of my life and sometimes couldn't escape "screaming" kids and never got much of a break. Yes, being a mother is a very important role/job that women carry out in their lives but it is not the "only" important role a woman can have. I don't think child bearing should encompass every fiber of a woman's being 100% of the time. Mothers are still people too and I believe that being a mother shouldn't stop a woman from being a person with their own goals and interests apart from their children. I get so tired of women asking me why I don't have kids. For all they know, I can't have them and it may be a sensitive subject for me. While this is not my issue, I have toyed with the idea of just using it as a stock answer because it would spare me from feeling the need to explain myself and the onslaught that ensues. I see women gush over babies and children all the time and I just don't feel the way they feel. Conversely, I am that way with animals. My fur babies are my children, whether people can understand that or not really isn't important to me. People will think what they will, I just don't understand why I made to feel ostracized and alienated for my decision. I have a lot of personal reasons as well as worldly social concerns that have led to my decision. There are plenty of women out there that feel the way you do. I don't meet many due to my circumstances of being a military wife and my geographic location, but I know they are out there. Do what you feel is right for you! I am with grayeyes, if I ever have the urge, there are plenty of kids I can interact with either by spending time with friends' kids or volunteering time. Plus, if it is ever too late to have my own and I change my mind, adoption is always something I can consider. Again, don't think its in the cards for me, but I guess "never say never" applies.
Elyse Hauke · 5/19/2016
This is so odd that I just happened to see this on FB the same day I posted on the subject but I thought I would share. Love upworthy!!! http://www.upworthy.com/why-your-choice-not-to-have-kids-is-awesome?c=ufb1
Veena · 5/19/2016
I'm one of those "breeders" and I'm doing my best to drain this world of its resources by producing little me's because I think babies are fun and it's my job as a woman. hahah. Just kidding! Let's be serious though, I could careless if a woman doesn't want to have babies, why should it bother me or anyone else, unless you're married to someone who really wanted kids. What someone has chosen to do with their body and life is really none of anyone else business. This doesn't apply to only woman but everyone! As a mom of 4 this has been my experience. I use to say I didn't want kids, at all! I was mostly a tomboy and I'm not a "let me hold your baby" person, unless it's family. I don't like other peoples kids for the most part. Yet, there was a part of me that felt drawn to this mom thing. Maybe it's because I like to teach? Anyway, I'm glad I listened to my inner voice. I know usually women talk about the terrible aspects of pregnancy and birth, but let me tell you, nothing has made me feel more powerful than giving birth to my kids. It's the most profound experience I've yet to have. I felt as though I could conquer the world. That feeling wears off once you haven't slept for days haha, but it's a powerful memory that I try to keep close to my heart and draw from when I feel like shit. The hardest thing for me has been that I don't fit into the common mom mold, "kids ruined my body" they "drain my energy" they're "uncontrollable" and "I can't have a life of my own or be successful". I feel like my kids have always fit rather easily into whatever was going on in my life. We really haven't changed our lifestyle, instead each child was brought into OUR way of living. I didn't want toys all over my home, so I didn't let toys take over my home. They don't make the choices, we do. Yes, times were rough when we moved away from family and didn't have money for sitters, but we figured it out and that was only a short period of time in our life. We wanted to travel or move, we did, because guess what, babies and kids are moveable! As far as moms always taking about their kids or child birth, I know for myself, it's never been about trying to convince other women to have kids too, it's because I'm proud or because its something that I have in common with moms. Think about how much we like to talk about pole and how those who haven't tried it, just don't get why this is such an interesting thing to discuss. lol I have recently given up regular performance opportunities, because of how time consuming it would be, I used the kids as an excuse, but honestly I know I wouldn't have done it even if I didn't have the kids. I value my time and staying out late to be on stage for a few minutes did appeal to me. I like my nights at home and being able to workout in the morning! I couldn't do that if I were out all night. I think it's important for my kids to see that I have always taken time for me, and Chris and I, have always taken time for us. Our life doesn't revolve around them, they are beautiful accents to it. I don't understand where this idea of giving up your life to have kids came from, I think it's made for some very spoiled kids and stressed out moms! My point of that boring "motherhood is great" rant, is that I'm glad that I did listen to myself and I did have kids. In fact if Henry hadn't been born this site wouldn't exist. However, If you know that you really don't want kids, then do... not... do it! It's a lifetime choice that isn't of everyone. xoxo
Elyse Hauke · 5/19/2016
Well said V, well said! I think women absolutely should speak about their stories, joys and pains of motherhood. Especially with other women who have shared similar experiences. I guess where I am coming from is that I saw such a distinct focus on it that when anyone like myself tried to join a conversation or change a topic after several hours or several occasions of the same thing, I learned that it was best for me to stop attending. I ended up sitting in silence listening because I had nothing to add to the conversation and all it did was solidify my feelings about not having kids. If it were only a once in a while thing it wouldn't have been such a big deal. Its not like I showed up to the local playground at lunch time. These were military wife functions with women of varying ages and are set up to keep people connected an to help transition into miliarty life. It was like I not only shunned, but that I didn't even exist.
Elyse Hauke · 5/19/2016
V, btw, thank you for sharing your rant. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I have always loved to see how important your family is to you and how involved and supportive your kids and Webmaster have been in your aspirations. It truly is a blessing. I think family is one of the most important aspects of life. I think you are a perfect example of what I am talking about. You definitely have not forgotten to take time for you and still identify as a person other than just being a mom. In a way, I almost feel bad for these women because military life definitely creates a loss of self to begin with because it dictates and controls so much of our lives. Many of these women are very happy being moms and living in that mindset and that is fantastic. I just realized that instead of trying to break through and make friends there, that I would be better suited to try and find another group of people with similar interests elsewhere. I guess I can chock a lot of my feelings about the issue based on my expectations. Back when I first started poling we had so many military wives on SV and I was really excited when I moved thinking that there would be plenty of polers here. Boy was I wrong! lol!
Veena · 5/19/2016
I totally know how you feel and I AM part of the moms club. I sit and just listen among groups of moms because I just can't relate. I don't have the typical complaints of motherhood and my kids are my buddies, I enjoy being with them but they also know I mean business! Talking back to adults Um 🤔 NO☝🏻️ It never happens in our house and not because we've punished it out of them, but they have never really even tried. I find that most new behavior comes from the friends they hang out with. I also feel bad for woman who are consumed with motherhood because we are so much more than just people who clean up their mess and make sure they all eat and sleep! One of my goals is to show moms that, you don't have to stop being sexy and uniquely you, just because you've popped out a baby!
Elyse Hauke · 5/19/2016
EXACTLY!!!!! Thank you for being you V, for following your dreams while helping us all to achieve ours whatever they may be! Much love, much love!
grayeyes · 5/19/2016
Hellcat brings up a good point about not fitting in with other wome our age, although Veena said the same since she's not a typical mom. Not having kids means I don't really fit in with my coworkers and I have very few close friends. The fact is most women my age do have children so their lives are very different and they are very busy with different things that mostly involve their children. I found that once my friends started to have kids in their 20's and 30's most just started to drift away. It's natural but it kinda sucks. We just don't run in the same circles. Of course that is absolutely not a reason to have kids but just something to think about that you might find in your future too. If I was less of an introvert I would probably have more friends but it can be harder to find them being nontraditional. I still wouldn't change that choice for anything--it is right for me.
bformosa922163 · 5/20/2016
I agree with Veena. I have a friend that's a mum and she told me that once I have kids I'll probably stop pole dancing but I agree, you don't stop being sexy just because you're a mum. I know I won't be a traditional mum either. Also regardless of whether or not you want children, you are an individual and you shouldnt be treated any different.
Katherine McKinney · 5/20/2016
I just had a baby last year, and I agree with Veena 100%. I don't fit into mom groups as a mom because I don't have the same complaints, and I DON'T want to talk about my baby when I'm in the company of other kickass women. In fact, I'd rather talk about just about anything else! I have a sweet little guy, and much like Veena said, we don't fit our lives around him. Instead, we fit him into our lives! This means that pole time is a priority that is right up there with work, and thankfully I have a spouse who supports that completely. I'll be 32 in July, and I'm a mom who never thought I would be a mom. I was terrified about having a child--terrified that I wouldn't be me anymore, terrified that it would be too difficult for me--but I have found that it is not as difficult as I always heard it was! Regardless of whether or not you become a mom, I would say that the best way to decide is to think of becoming a mother as taking on another really important job on top of the responsibilities you already have--and you don't even know if you'll like the job until you start it! However, if you do like it, it is incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.
poleisnewtome · 5/20/2016
I never had any desire to have kids and even though people often said to me in the past that I'd change my mind, I never did and never will. Like someone else said, it's not because I had the desire to do other things, but because I never felt the desire to raise a child.
33barbwire · 5/21/2016
I'm also in the "no babies ever, no thank you" camp. Nothing about parenthood appeals to me, but if I do get the urge to try to go positively impact a kid's life, yes there are a lot of places I know to go volunteer, and my friends' kids are basically sort of nephews to me. Like Hellcat and a few others have experienced in groups, I'm one of the only women in my workplace who isn't currently pregnant or had a baby in the last two years. When the coworkers get together for lunch or something, without fail the women's group conversation turns into swapping horror stories about pregnancy, childbirth, newborn stuff, and toddler stuff. A couple times I've tried to expand the conversation to at least include furbabies (I pick up my dog's poop, clean up the occasional vomit, cuddle her, get kisses, etc. - sounds like a baby to me!), and I've been shut down from that at least once. So there are zero things I can contribute in a group conversation like that, and end up just trying to leave it. There is a feeling of being left out, and because I share an office room with all men, I'd like to connect with the women when I can, but they don't seem to want to talk about much else (unless I can manage to catch somebody in a one on one conversation). Fine. This part I can deal with and just not be all that social at work. What is hurtful and makes me angry is what these people have said to me when I say I'm *never* having kids. "You'll change your mind." - Yep, your stories where you complain about how your kid is such a little shit are really making me see the light. "Well, they say there's no birth control that's 100%." - WHY DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A THREAT?? Why do you sound like you're trying to jinx me? "Well, *maybe*." - This was a person who *corrected* me when I said *never*. Apparently my choice and my phrasing of it are subject to editing. Who knew? I know this isn't all parents. Clearly these are just some assholes and WOW do they leave an awful taste in my mouth! I have plenty of friends who are parents who get that it's a choice, they understand my choice, and know better than to push me. A lot of parents I know seem perfectly happy and fulfilled with their choice to have a family. I also know a few who seem miserable but afraid to admit it, and some who straight up say, "Don't have kids. I shouldn't have had kids. It was a mistake." But, I haven't yet met a single non-parent who regrets their decision to not have children. If you choose to have kids, don't let social circles or a "ticking biological clock" or "Who will take care of me when I'm old?" be factors in that decision. Do it because you want to train someone their whole life to be a good person who will try to make the world a better place, and still keep your sense of self while you're at it. Veena and everyone, thank you for your insight. This topic struck a nerve for me, so please forgive the rant if it comes off venomous in some spots. I'm kinda burnt from my coworkers, ha.
Veena · 5/21/2016
Good lord, what kind of woman are these people! Dogs and horses are actually very similar to kids, they both need love, consistency, food and to understand boundaries! Of course for me, my dogs are not as important as they were before I had kids, (I've always had a dog for the most part) but I would guess preferring you kids over your pets is a good thing! lol That whole "you'll change your mind" is dumb and birth control comment is rude. People in general say inconsiderate things to others. I remember when Chris and I were first dating and always holding hands, sitting in his lap and all that "gross" stuff as my mom would say. Well family members would remark "enjoy that while it lasts" said in their own way. Insinuating that because they no long are affectionate with their spouse, it would end for us after marriage, because at that time we were too "young" to know what we were doing. Guess what...it hasn't changed, we're still all over each other. lol I think there are many common things we've been taught and ideals that we've been presented with over and over through adds, tv and parents, that are very narrow minded. The whole idea that every woman really only wants kids and to care for her husband and house is sooooo not the case for many. Even the idea that every man only wants to work outside the home and doesn't care for the kids is not true. I think perceptions are changing but it takes time.
Veena · 5/21/2016
Fever, I am super happy to hear another mom say they find motherhood enjoyable! Will you be my mom friend lol
frenchhornprof · 5/21/2016
I am 34, married, and will most likely never have children. I find the personal, internal drive to create more people a fascinating thing, and it seems to be very powerful seeing as most people do have kids. I myself have never felt a burning desire for children, but every once in a great while I ask myself, "Will I regret this when I'm old and need a family to take care of me?" If that is as much as I think about having kids, then that to me seems like a good reason not to have them. I am of the opinion that you shouldn't have children unless you very actively want them. I also feel that people should procreate responsibly. The world already has too many people, and there are significant world issues that go along with overpopulation.
bformosa922163 · 5/21/2016
Veena, I can relate to the whole 'being too young' comments. I got with my partner when I was 19 and we got engaged when I was 20. I got comments about how I was still young. Not by my family but by strangers. We've been together almost 5 years now, whilst not married yet, we definately still flirt with each other and tell each other everyday that we love each other. I also got a lot of unwelcome comments when I had a miscarriage 'oh you're still a baby, you have plenty of time'. Well regardless, it doesn't change the fact that I want kids. As you said, with anything, people will make unwarranted comments like this.. Whether you are too young, too old, too big, too skinny. We are dealing with a bunch of goldilocks where everything has to be 'just right'.
grayeyes · 5/26/2016
Interestingly, my husband tells me that when he tells people we don't have kids and didn't want any, he fairly often gets the reaction from other men that they wish they didn't have kids--not in a nasty way but an honest way. I suspect some women feel the same but can't say it.
studio409 · 5/27/2016
a very interesting talk ... I ask myself the same questions in time. I have a studio that runs great. I never wanted a child but there 7 monts i met my man, the one who deserves to be the father. Only it already has a child he sees 3 times a year. He is afraid that seems to happened. But he never talks to me. We consulted and decided to give us time. Only, I have no more time; I'll have 42 years! I wait for months but he never talks to me. His silence said everything. I feel hurt and I feel that I disrespect. I do not want a child at all costs, in fact, seeing him in this new light, I do not want children from him. I feel hurt and humiliated because he told me that it's my attitude last days by confronting that has reduced. Absolutely not being able to live with the fact that it makes me sad, it defers all on me. It's ugly and small.I do not know at all what to do ...
Veena · 5/27/2016
Oh, 409, I'm sorry to hear this! You shouldn't be pressured into having kids and a man who truly cares for you will not punish or threaten to leave you if you don't. It has to be something you both want! Big hugs 💜💜💜
Elyse Hauke · 5/27/2016
409, I am in complete agreement with what Veena has said. You should never be made to feel that the you should do anything that doesn't feel right for you; especially when children are or may be involved. The partners we choose to be with or marry may be the right person for us but even marriage does not necessarily mean that having a child is the right decision. Based on the limited information you have shared, and I may be wrong, but It doesn't sound like this man has offered much in the way of long term commitment or given you any indication that he would be the type of father you would want for your child even if you wanted to have children. Given the pressure he is putting on you, he doesn't sound like the type of man you deserve in your life. My heart goes out to you as I know this situation is very disconcerting. As hard as it may be, it sounds like you should follow your instincts that may be leading you to a decision to find someone else. I know how difficult it is to spend any length of time with someone when you feel like your time is limited to find what will make you happy. I understand how difficult it is to curb feelings of fleeting time and desperation for happiness but please know that you are special and that there are plenty of people out there that will value you and give you the respect that you deserve. Over the years I have watched many of your videos and from where I am sitting I can clearly see that you are a funny, witty, creative and beautiful person that enjoys life and has so much to offer! Follow your instincts and be true to yourself! Only you know what is right for you! If you ever need to talk we will always be here. You are welcome to PM me anytime. I may not always have the ability to give the best advice but I am certainly able to listen. Sometimes, that's all we need to find some centeredness or at the very least, comfort. Remember to love yourself and good things will come. Sending big hugs!
nikkic · 5/27/2016
I'm 33 years old and I don't, nor have I ever wanted, to have kids. I have known from a young age that I didn't have the maternal instinct. I'm not drawn to children or babies at all. My husband is also "cheerfully childfree". I do LOVE animals though :) We have 5 dogs and a cat that are our furry children. I have some close friends with kids and they are always exhausted and stressed out. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but that lifestyle does not appeal to me at all.
Colleen · 5/28/2016
I'm a mother of two adult children. I didn't get into pole dancing until I was 50. So my kids were grown when I started. I had children because I wanted children deep within my soul, and, furthermore, I'm glad I had children. I'm glad I have kids and a husband who love me. ~~~ Now that my children are grown, I can do whatever the hell I want to do. However, it wasn't like I was in some sort of jail when my children were young. ~~~ People who don't have children always feel sorry for people who do have children. One word - DON'T. Trust me, some of us are just fine and always have been.
Colleen · 5/28/2016
Veena, I forgot to thank you for helping to erase the myth that mothers are overweight, stressed out and not getting any sex. LOL! I had fun erasing that myth when my kids were young and I would walk around in bikinis on the beach. :)
Dancing Paws · 5/30/2016
Just my two cents. If you don't feel that strong "need" of "I must have a child" then dont have one. I've seen too many people have children because they were afraid they couldn't later on or like they'd regret it later if they didn't. It's a lifelong commitment and you should be serious about wanting it. If later on down the road you want one and can't have one from age... adopt.

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