Being the new girl, and feeling left out...

JBStarryEyedGirl started this discussion · 12/1/2010

Well , let's start with the fact that while I can Certainly be talkative and friendly, I'm not always very outgoing when meeting new people.. I've been working at a spa for about 6 months now (I'm a massage therapist) and though I can friendly with the girls here, I always feel a little left out. Most of the girls here are hairstylists and have worked here for several years. While they are nice, I haven't meet anyone I would consider to be a close friend. I definitely take my time getting to know people but sometimes i wish I could open up more... Feeling lonely in a group of 25 women sucks. I have the same issue at my dance studio because all the instructors have been there a while too... It just sucks and I wish I had some friends.

35 replies

chemgoddess1 · 12/1/2010
I am not sure how old you are, but I can honestly say that I am "friends" with no one that I work with. I socialize while I am at work but do not go out with these people. Quite honestly there have been very few people that I have worked with over the years (I am 41) that I had what I would consider a friendship with. But of course I have very few "real" friends. Most any more are through forums like this and maybe I get to see them once every few years. Even my good friends I only get to see once every few months. I am also not talkative in new situations....get me around a bunch of people I have something in common with and it is a different story, but I cannot just small talk. I know that nothing that I have said can help but maybe just hearing that there are others like you helps.
JBStarryEyedGirl · 12/1/2010
Hey chemgoddess, thanks for the reply 🙂 I'm 27, I moved to St Louis about 2 years ago and left a great, really close knit group of my best friends in Texas. Since I've been here I've yet to meet anyone I could consider a really close friend. Sure I have acquaintances, and friends who only want to hang out at bars, but no one that I can just call up and say let's hang out. I guess I'm lucky to have a great boyfriend, but I need female friendships too! Why is it so hard to meet a sweet, funny and friendly girl??? (now I know how my guy friends feel ha ha)
Labellebrack · 12/2/2010
STLPoledancer27, Girl, I am with you! I just moved from Texas to Oregon and left all friends and family behind. I have also had to ditch my career and I now work at a meaningless, "pay the bills" job where I have nothing in common with anyone. I hate "hi, how are you" conversations and relationships. I prefer a smaller, close-knit group of friends but have not found any either. I'm not sure if I have any advice for you but maybe we can think of ideas together!
MrsNaughtywed · 12/2/2010
STLPoleDancer27 do you think you may have some social anxiety? I know I do. The last 7 years of my life had been so unstable, always moving around, working more than 2 jobs at a time. I never seemed to have the time to make real friends or keep them and I just never feel like I can connect to people. Then when I move away, I loose contact with them.. I suck at keeping in contact too though. I'm currently working on that. I always feel really shy when meeting new people or hanging out with people I don't know too well.
AliciaPolerina · 12/2/2010
Same thing at my job, there's little cliques of people that all hang out outside of work and then at work they make plans and talk about the stuff they did. I never get invited out (all though I don't know if id want to go anyway lol) and we all chit chat at work,but I don't really have any friends around me because a lot of people I befriend and try to help scre me over anyway. We all opened our store together too so I don't know why I'm excluded I always feel like no ones likes me and I get frustrated! I'm nice and considerate and I always go out of my way to help people! Wtf lol!! I kinda just got used to being the black sheep everywhere I go
litlbit · 12/2/2010
WOW can I relate!! I moved to this state in 1978 because my now husband wouldn't leave when he was born and raised here. I left everyone behind and the few friends I made left the state as they graduated from college. I'm all alone except for my students and can hang with my niece once every few months. I understand lonely!! I am going to be 55 next month and the only place I feel I have any friends is on this forum. But at least I have all of you and doing a job now that I LOVE. So hang in there and stick with us...I know it's not the same...but it really does help!! HUGZ!
JBStarryEyedGirl · 12/2/2010
I can really relate to everything y'all have said! I just don't know how to find friends. I don't open up easily, I don't know if it's social anxiety as much as I have some trust issues to work on. I have also had problems with commitment as far as keeping the same job, the same location, etc. I get bored easily and I enjoy change. .. Or perhaps I enjoy a fresh start, clean slate. Or even that I self sabotage good things for myself out of irrational what ifs. I do worry alot, especially at night before I go to sleep.. Which is why I'm rambling on at midnight. I've always been an insomniac but I've had it under decent control for a while. I have seasonal affective disorder too and the weather here certainly doesn't help. But ok, now I'm off topic. 🙂 maybe today I am just feeling more lonely than usual, so thank you all for taking the time to read my post and comment. Its nice to know that somewhere, someone maybe is thinking of you.
MommaBear · 12/2/2010
I'm in the same boat. With the Christmas season, I have been noticing all the gifts, trinkets and home decor dedicated to "Friends" and how wonderful, special and important they are. 🤮 (j/k) I certainly don't get it , because I have don't have that in my life. 🤔 My "friends" consist of my husband - who I have been separated from for the past 5 months, and my mom and sister - whose relationships tend to produce so much stress that I have to take those interactions in carefully monitored doses. So, yeah, I am a lonesome weirdo too. Pretty lame 🙄
nymphdancer · 12/2/2010
I dont have friends at work. actually all my friends that I really consider friends live in other states. Sometimes it sucks not having someone close by to go have lunch or a girls night out with 😕
BACE16 · 12/2/2010
I've always been pretty antisocial and get anxious in most social situations. However I made friends at work and we would actually hang out sometimes outside of work. The thing is most of them were men or were women who weren't very girly. I worked in IT with a bunch of nerds so they weren't very judgmental about you (just about what sci-fi you watched) and I didn't feel weird around them. I'm unemployed now on the other side of the country, so I get to make new friends again. Just reading about your situation, especially the word "hairstylist", triggered some anxiety for me. I had my friends from high school do my hair all the time, but I moved across the country a few month ago. My hair looks awful, my roots are like 5 inches and my cat has been eating the ends while I sleep, but I'm so scared to go out to new hairstylist in this new town. Maybe its just me being a nerd, but I have prejudices against super girly girls like hairstylists, like they're always judging my appearance, talking about me and going to be cliquey. I say this after calling myself a antisocial nerd and I'm sure it evokes all sorts of ideas what I'm like. Maybe you don't have prejudices, but in your first post, you do specify you're a massage therapist and they're hairstylists so I bring it up. I'd like to know where a good place to find friends is if you do find one. Being unemployed I don't get out much and I've never made friends anywhere but work...and WOW lol.
nymphdancer · 12/2/2010
I don't know maybe I'm just weird but I don't want to make friends out of the people I work with. Doing that just leads to trouble in the work place to me. Everyone at work knows me as a being a friendly out going person who greets everyone and does nothing outside of work with anyone lol. It could be because I was in management for so long and managers can't be friends with those under them. Where to make friends? Through hobbies and interests. as far as gettting your hair cut go to a gay man, they give the best cuts anyway lol.
MrsNaughtywed · 12/2/2010
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nymphdancer · 12/2/2010
Just reading about your situation, especially the word "hairstylist", triggered some anxiety for me. I had my friends from high school do my hair all the time, but I moved across the country a few month ago. My hair looks awful, my roots are like 5 inches and my cat has been eating the ends while I sleep, but I'm so scared to go out to new hairstylist in this new town. BTW if your cat is eating you hair it has a mineral or vitamin imbalance that is causing it to do so.
tarah · 12/3/2010
Well this is just amazing to me, because you all have described exactly what my life has been like for the last several years. 😢 I too have moved around alot and am not good about keeping in touch with people. My one close friend in Florida just quit talking to me once I moved to Oregon. In two years living in Oregon, I never made any friends. Most of the people in that area were much older than me (as is my husband), and actually I got alot of negative vibes from people. Whatever. Now we have been living in Hawaii for a little over a year (Okay, now I know you all have stopped feeling sorry for me 😂 ). Anyway I just wanted to connect, and thank you, STLPoledancer27 for sharing 🐱
minicoopergrl · 12/3/2010
STL, I have to say - it is much harder to make friends as an ADULT than as a child/teen. This is a lesson that was hard for me to learn. Ive lived in the same area my whole life (my parents and IL are maybe 10min away). I still talk to alot of my friends from HS but thats it. I dont hang out, go for drinks, take our kids to the park etc. I think part of it is my fault as well. I have a bad habit of not inviting people over or asking people to do stuff with me, im either stood up or my husband gets in the way of my plans. Ive met alot of friends thanks to pole. When I take class its normally "Lulu's socialization Hour", and I end up coming home later than expected. I consider everyone on here my friend as well even if we have never met face to face. When you open up to someone about personal things and you are able to confide in them - that makes them a friend. As for coworker friends, I have one co worker that im actually friends with outside of work. We go to each others kids birthday parties, he goes to the shooting range with my husband etc. Works out well b/c it gave my husband a friend to talk to (hes got maybe 3 friends he talks to on a regular basis. He rather have a small social circle than have lots of aquaintences). It took a year of working here to actually be friends outside of work with him. Most of the folks at the dealer do happy hour at one of the local restruants, I dont get invited simply b/c I get off at 3p - hours before anyone else and with my husband working late 90% of the time - it makes it hard. My advice is to go to classes, and pick up hobbies you havent done in awhile or want to try. Thats the best way to meet new people, you already have something in common to start with.
JBStarryEyedGirl · 12/6/2010
Thanks everyone for the encouragement and stories you shared! I'm trying hard to come out of my shell! Our studio had a pole party last friday and I met 3 really nice girls who invited me over for a pole jam! (They are not members, but one of the girls has a pole and wants to learn more tricks). They seemed very nice, so hopefully we will click when we meet outside of the studio... (I'm really hoping that they liked ME, as opposed to wanting to "use" me to learn pole tricks.. and this is where my self doubt creeps in 😕 ) I keep doing things I love but it still seems hard to make contact. I had a 15 hour massage training education class over the weekend, and while there were 17 other therapists there, I didn't have a single good conversation that wasn't just chit chat. It's just SO hard to find other open minded people I guess.. 🤔 Either way.. at least I'm putting myself out there!
tarah · 12/7/2010
Yay!! Congratulations to you for going to the pole party and meeting some potential friends 🥂 I'm sure they liked YOU and you will have fun. If it makes you feel any better, I am a massage therapist and went to three different schools plus workshops and never made any friends that way. Seems to me you are an intelligent and sensitive person who isn't interested in superficial social chit chat. I can totally relate!! I hope you connect with these pole gals, I love the women I have met on this site and I am thankful that I found it. I also just started going to a new studio and am hoping for the same as you. 🐱
Bellz · 12/7/2010
I'm in StL too!! But not overly friendly....lol. What studio do you go to?
JBStarryEyedGirl · 12/7/2010
Bellz, I pole at Fitchix in St Louis.
Bellz · 12/8/2010
Ooo..I don't even know where that is. There are a lot of pole-events that happen around town...most of them are associated with the Michelle Mynx Academy of Pole dance...or one of her students. lol. If you're interested, I think something is going on this friday...lemme get the details..... Friday, December 10 · 7:30pm - 10:00pm Location Foxhole 4140 Manchester Avenue Saint Louis, MO Are you ready for a creepy Christmas? Well make your way to the Foxhole in Atomic Cowboy for this one of a kind showcase inspired by the wonderful Nightmare Before Christmas. There will be fire dancing, poledancing, drag, and more... Special Host: Rydyr Reeves Performances by: Ray Gunn of Chicago's Stage Door Johnnies Ami Amore' of Exotic Rhythms Bellydance Kitty LaQuim Steele Starling Ricky Pheonix Horchata Dentata ...and many more! 7PM Doors | Showtime Promptly at 7:30PM | $10 admission Proceeds go to the United Way's 100 Neediest Cases.
JBStarryEyedGirl · 12/8/2010
Bellz. I met you at the Michelle Mynx pole extravaganza at the atomic Cowboy... And this Friday is our Xmas party at our 2nd location in Creve Coeur (it's at olive and 270)
Bellz · 12/9/2010
Ok!! Yay!!! 🙂 Did I meet you out at the bar? I remember meeting someone out at the bar! How fun!
carriej · 12/12/2010
yeah, i would like to have more close friends. i suck at small talk. i know it's an important skill to have but i just feel bored with talking about bland "how's-the-weather" topics. 🙄 i work two jobs, am married, and have 2 stepkids, pole, and drive 2 hrs away to take aerial silk classes and don't have lot of time for hanging out and making friends. finding a friend to actually go to dinner with or hang out at the house with has taken me a long time. I think I gotta put more effort into it!
Bellz · 12/12/2010
I'm not "friends" with any of my pole buddies. I took a break from pole 2 months ago, and haven't heard from anyone. When I'm in class we're "so close" but we don't do anything that isn't pole related. We don;t hang out just because or call each other up to see how we're doing. I guess that's life when you grow up....
litlbit · 12/12/2010
quote..STL, I have to say - it is much harder to make friends as an ADULT than as a child/teen. This is a lesson that was hard for me to learn. It is hard as an adult. I've also found it almost impossible to build a friendship with a person because I am a "recovering" alcoholic. I have been sober for almost 30 years now, and when people find out I don't drink they ignore me. I like to go out to the clubs and dance/listen to bands...none of that has changed for me. I just choose to drink soda instead. I don't have a problem with people that choose to drink alcohol...why must I be judged for my choice? The only time I seem to be included or invited out is when someone needs a DD (designated driver)...I started saying no awhile back because I didn't want to be only "used"...well needless to say I haven't been invited out since. It took me a lot of years to break out of my shell, and now I'm more lonely than ever...and it makes me sad 🙁

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