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  • am i wrong

    Posted by dustyfox on May 29, 2010 at 9:42 pm

    Ok i really need some advice. I have 2 children ages 2 and 3 years old my mother favors the 3 year old badly. Today she called me at noon and asked me if after i got out of work if i could go up to familys to hang out with eveyone? I said sure ill be out arround 430. She called me again at 4pm and said she sent my brother whoes 22 to get my 3 yr old and i told her no. That she could take both kids if she wanted but she was not gonna take one and leave the other with the sitter. She told me no she was busy workin on putting a new roof on. So i said no to her that i would be out at 430. She got mad at me and said fine. I said im sorry thats how i feel.

    Well i called her at 445 and said im out of work and that i would bring the kids up if she wanted. She said "yes" and then started in with "you need to stop this". I said excuse me you have never taken my two year old , you always say next time next time and im not gonna do that to him no more. plus you cant be watchin the kids already up there and my 3 year old if your on the roof. NO Way am i letting you have her if you cant even watch her( my 3 year old). I worry cause theres horses and a pond on the property. So she starts yellin at me that marie my aunt was gonna watch her. I said it i did ," and my son (2 yr old) is such an inconvience to watch if your already watchin my daughter(3yr old) " I said fine im not having this conversation and hung up .
    Was i wrong? Should i allow this? I cant stand to hear my little boy cry!

    NightFall replied 14 years ago 7 Members · 8 Replies
  • 8 Replies
  • Sofija

    May 29, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    Ofcourse we don’t know every detail of your relation… but I do want to say this ->

    If it would happen one time, it is OK!
    there was this one time my grandmother asked my mom weather she could have my sister (not my brother) along to the musical that was playing. and even then, my mom said no. which I totally understand.

    Your story makes me kindof sad honestly! I don’t think it is right for family to act like that.
    You’ve done a good job taking this first step saying NO. Just wait how the road will turn out, maybe in a good direction in the future.

  • poledanceromance

    May 29, 2010 at 10:25 pm

     in our family, we have a saying: "children don’t come with off switches." That means once you’ve become a part of their lives, you don’t turn them away FOR ANY REASON. they’re both your children. They’re both her grandchildren. each kid should get some one-on-one time with grandma in addition to the time they spend together. 

    You need to tell grandma, in plain un-emotional language, that the two year old doesn’t understand what she’s doing, and you’re not going to have him crying over every visit to grandma’s. And I would stick to your ground: if she can’t treat your children well and look after them adequately, it might be time to say that if she wants to see her grandkids, she can come to your home and visit them both, but she can’t just take one and pretend the other doesn’t exist. She’s in their lives whether she was ready for grandkids or not. She can’t pick and choose now. And they’re WAY too close in age for her to claim the three year old is somehow easier to care for than the two year old.     

  • SissyBuns

    May 30, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    I don’t think you’re wrong at all. I have 3 kids and sometimes they all can’t go everywhere, that’s understandable but if it happens everytime than it sounds like it might be favoritism and that’s not fair to the little one. And it may not be favoritism (that may be the wrong word) but maybe the 3 year old is easier to watch or requires less than the 2 year old. And maybe she doesn’t even realize shes doing that.

    My little sister has 2 little girls and my mother dotes on those kids like it’s nobody business. They can do no wrong while it seemed for a long time that if one of my kids stepped one foot in the wrong direction she was jumping down their throats and screaming her head off. I finally brought it up to her and she was so upset that she started crying . She didn’t even realize she was treating my older kids like crap while the new shinier kids got treated like little angels. I even brought it up to my sister who also agreed but didn’t know how to tell my mom.

    Try bringing it up in a calm open way. Tell her how you feel without acusing her of anything. Maybe it’ll help.

  • minicoopergrl

    May 30, 2010 at 2:19 pm

    I can sympathize with you. I have a 5yo and a 16mos old. alot of times my IL’s will take my oldest and not my youngest. Yes I know he doesnt simply understand but dont favor my kids. My parents did that crap to my brother, sister and I (I became the black sheep of the group, I got left out alot) and will not let it happen to my own kids.

    If its once in a blue moon (movies, something the older one would love more etc), thats totally understandable. But if they are going somewhere or even staying at home both kids should be able to go. Last night was the first time my IL’s took both kids to the carnival. Now since my son is older and isnt demanding 24/7 (just a handful at this point) they are more willing to take both. But having your kids so close in age (my brother and I are 13mos apart), theres no excuse to take one and not the other.

    I suggest you talk to her with no emotion. I know when I get fired up I say things I really dont mean to say or never say what I wanted to say. Sometimes they dont realize what they are doing until someone points it out. Now time to tell that to my MIL.

  • amcut

    May 30, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    I dunno.

    Young kids are hard for old ladies, right? My mom TOTALLY couldn’t handle both of my rambunctious nephews- and she totally cannot handle the younger one. ‘Cause he’s a brat and a roughhouser and spoiled and will seriously stand in the center of the street just so you have to pick him up while he’s attempting to be the unweildiest and heaviest thing ever.

    So either one of the daughters is there to help my mother with the loving of her grandchildren or she has to do it separately. Nothing to do with favoritism, everything to do with the fact that she’s older and cannot chase and beat as well as she used to. Obviously your roof working mom doesn’t have the same difficulties as mine- but it may be something reasonable in that fashion.

    SO. That’s my devil’s advocate, I don’t know what your mama is about but I suggest you talk to her gently and tell her what you feel, tell her that young baby was crying, tell her without being angry. …….. my mother chimed in to say that you shouldn’t hang up on your mama, too.

  • amcut

    May 30, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    OH. I forgot. No, you’re not wrong. It’s your job as mom to protect your children! And that includes hurt feelings even if they’re from granny!

  • dustyfox

    May 31, 2010 at 12:32 am

    thank you everyone for your input ill seee how it goes .. i hope she can understand!

  • NightFall

    May 31, 2010 at 11:31 am

    I’m sorry you had such a horrible confrontation with your mom. You must be feeling very bad about this

    I think you are right and brave for standing up for your two year old. It’s not ok for him to be getting the message that his sister is "better" or "more loveable" that he is, which is what is happening each time his sister gets attention from grandma but not him. That’s something that can have a big impact on how he turns out so for you to be all mama bear and rock the boat -something i can tell you hate having to do- to protect him is the living definition of love.

    Each parent needs to set boundaries. I think it shocks your mom that yours are different to hers, and she always expected you to be like her, but this is your right and she has to accept what is acceptable to you and your husband. Maybe if your mom understood it from the impact it had on your two year old, she’d see sense? She might be thinking he’s too small for it to register, but i hope she’ll be a bigger person and think of the emotional health of her grandkids and their relationship with each other, which could also be impacted if one gorws up being jealous of the other.

    Hope you’re feeling better today.

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