Forums Discussions Accepting our partners compliments!

  • Accepting our partners compliments!

    Posted by CheeryBomb on February 26, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Okay, so I was thumbing through the forums today, and came across a wonderful topic posted by Polegirl about complimenting ourselves without adding anything negative about another part of our body we’re not too fond of. While reading the responses, I came across something that really struck a cord with me.

    I am so guilty of this myself, and my husband even calls me out on it. I have no idea why I do this, but it is something I think other women do as well (I’m not sure about men). So, my question is, why do we take our partner’s/spouse’s/significant others/boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s/bestfriend’s opinion about us as something ‘required’ of them? Why do we take their compliments for granted? Why is it so much more important to us when complete strangers say something nice versus our life partners? In my opinion, my husband’s compliments should be the most important to me. I should get giddy when he tells me how beautiful I am or how hot my hips look in boyshorts and a t-shirt. That means he is still interested in me, and I am still significant to him. If they ever stopped, I would be in big trouble because something would be wrong in our relationship.

    I’m not saying that compliments don’t feel good or that you should disregard compliments from someone you don’t know, I just think we should also be more accepting of compliments from people we have known for a long time and are closest to us, and to think of those compliments as the most important ones to receive. Remember, that person closest to you was once a stranger as well. You decided to give them a chance, more than likely, based on a nice compliment they gave you. I know I have a long way to go with rectifying my own issue with this, but from this moment on, I vow to appreciate the compliments from my soul-mate and to hold those compliments as the most important, top notch feel goods I can ever receive from anyone. Any one else?

    CheeryBomb replied 14 years, 2 months ago 3 Members · 3 Replies
  • 3 Replies
  • minicoopergrl

    February 26, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    I might be able to tell you who said that quote – MOI! We have had this discussion on my moms board about the same thing. Alot of the moms are in the same boat as me. I think for me if he complimented me more instead of when I complain about my body, I might be able to accept them better.

    From reading your post, your right – all my close friends/SO’s and now husband were once strangers. I will work on accepting the compliments from my close ones, but its gonna be a hard battle.

  • Foxy_Rei

    February 26, 2010 at 9:51 pm

    I think it’s so hard because one of the reasons that we are able to get so close to certain people, like friends and significant others, is that we learn to overlook flaws. And we also learn to support each other no matter what (otherwise, they wouldn’t be good friends/sig. others). So when we receive a compliment on something that we don’t like ourselves, we tend to not believe them because we assume that it’s a flaw that’s being overlooked by the loved one (subconsciously, sometimes).

    I used to date a guy that was rather heavy. It seriously didn’t bother me, although I did worry about his health. But every now and then he would ask if I thought he was fat. I always said no, even though in the strictest sense of the word, he was. It’s just that "fat" carries too many negative connotations to it. I would say "I think you’re overweight, but not fat" and make sure to add that it didn’t bother me. He used to get frustrated that I wouldn’t just "tell him the truth," but I really was.

    But I’m in the same boat – I never know how to take a compliment, from people I know or don’t know. I blush like crazy, can barely manage a "thank you", and then sit there for several minutes wondering why the person thought so highly of me.

    So I’ve seen both sides of the fence. I think it’s really just because our loved ones have learned to always think good things of us and we think that they would say good things about us anyway. Kind of like a kid whose mother gushes over every single picture he brings home and puts them on the fridge – how does that kid know when he really did do a good job? What makes each one good? Not that the mother means well, but it does get kinda numbing from all the monotony of hearing the same positive things over and over. Same with loved ones compliments – like I said, they mean well and it’s not like they’re lying or anything.

    But maybe we should turn this around, too. How are we to our friends and loved ones? Do we always say uplifting, positive things about them no matter what? What if we looked at them more objectively and were more down-to-earth with them? Maybe what we say will mean more to them that way simply because we would be "cutting the crap" and giving them an honest assessment/opinion (not that anything we would say would be crap, but you know what I mean). Find a way to be honest with them but still be supportive. A friend who complains she has "fat thighs", maybe instead of instantly gushing "Oh no you don’t! You’re beautiful!" you could say "You’re definitely not fat and they don’t look bad like you think, but if you want to tone them up we should hit up the gym together and we’ll both get some thighs that are to die for!" Find a way to still support them and be honest without hurting their feelings.

    Just my 2 cents… even though my posts are long enough to be more like 99 cents…

  • CheeryBomb

    February 26, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Mini-I agree with you. It will be a long battle but one worth fighting. It’s never easy to reprogram your brain, and sometimes the attempt doesn’t work quite like we had planned. I also think that by giving others sincere compliments and positive reinforcement as Foxy mentioned, it will help us in the acceptance department. I often give my hubby compliments but I don’t always think I give them in an effective manner (like mentioning something in passing). I should try a different approach. Thank you both for your pennies.

Log in to reply.