When you have No one to Dance for :0(

Lexistarr started this discussion · 6/22/2011

Hey veena girls! Just NEED some Advice! I bought my xpole roughly a month ago and in a nut shell ive learned some new tricks which i was VERY happy and proud of myself mini milestone since my self esteem is usually low and this has helped a GREAT deal anyways my hubby who is supportive and went to the pole convention with me helped put my pole up etc.. but everytime i talk about it he doesnt seem intrested and sometimes ive said " hey i learned a new trick today" :0) hoping he will say that he'd want to see it but it just says that cool and pretty much stands there i have NO motivation to want to dance for him NOW i mean im sorry but if i was a guy i'd freakin LOVE if my wife had a pole and cooks dinner while dancing on a pole haha! anyways i GET that its not his thing i REALLY do but the lack of intrest in me and my pole is really starting to piss me off more than make me sad any advice ps i tried talking to him before not about the pole but about paying me more attention and things he aggrees but nothing ever changes

19 replies

Runemist34 · 6/22/2011
Darling, unfortunately you can't really make someone excited about something that doesn't terribly interest them. I know it's tough to take, but really, if he's not into it, he's just not! My husband isn't really interested in it either- he likes the fact that I feel strongly about it, but otherwise, he doesn't really feel the need to watch. I get a lot of "Wow, your husband must LOVE that!" when I talk about poling at home...and usually I explain that I don't really pole when he's home! I pole dance for me, plain and simple. My sexuality is my own, first and foremost, and I like to explore and enjoy it. I also enjoy the fact that I'm gaining strength and flexibility, and can do more things in my everyday life, as well as achieving things on the pole! As for getting more attention from him...well, unfortunately I can't help you there ;) It depends on what's going on with you guys, and what he might be distracted with!
Caramel Delight · 6/22/2011
Same here Girly. My hubby doesn't really seem interested. Only supports me because it is something I am so passionate about. I don't wanna dance formhim either. But my hubby is young and I believe he doenst know what he has :-( now I'm all venting lol and tearing up.
Caramel Delight · 6/22/2011
Same here Girly. My hubby doesn't really seem interested. Only supports me because it is something I am so passionate about. I don't wanna dance formhim either. But my hubby is young and I believe he doenst know what he has :-( now I'm all venting lol and tearing up.
luvlee · 6/22/2011
We all have eachother though! That is why this forum is here. Upload videos and we all will appreciate it!
polergirl · 6/22/2011
I pole dance for myself... here's something I've noticed. My learning of new tricks is met with support, interest to the point that he's excited for my accomplishments, etc. -- he doesn't necessarily want to watch me do those things. BUT--when I dance for him, and I mean get down with my pole dancing bad self and dance for my man? He's riveted. Mesmerized. Lustfully appreciative, lol. All that said, post videos here and you'll have a whole host of peeps to dance for! :)
LoneStarDiva · 6/22/2011
Lexi... as a very old woman.. who's been married and relationships MORE than I like to admit.. here's MY take on it and (maybe) what to do. 1) Ignore his ass! THEN a) if he doesn't 'come around', you can likely assume he's either having an affiar, needs viagra, or is just an ass hole. ;) 2) Divorce, depending on 1, a b, etc. lol OR... 3) Go on with your own life whlie he goes on with his. IF he does love you he really will eventually take notice. Just don't fall all over him or pressure in ANY WAY. That's how they are (turds). :) BUT.. listen... You can always read a WONDERFUL book: "Why Men Love Bitches". :):) It's pretty informative, but then.. I guess it just came natural to me.. only.. reading the book HELPED me remember who I was and the power I had by Just Being a WOMAN. tee hee. Sometimes, in life.. we just choose the wrong ppl to couple with. A hard sad truth. I hope for ALL my Veener girls that they (eventually?) find "HIM"!!! (I mean..NONE of them are perfect.. but the right one will ALWAYS be INTERESTED!!!! (This is a little tongue in cheek.. but I really do mean it all! :):) Good Luck... but really... Ignore him for a while. It'll do you BOTH a world of good!! :):)
LoneStarDiva · 6/22/2011
Oh yeah.. and what Polergirl said! Absolutely!! It's a very UNmanly man who doesn't get excited in SOME way watchin a routine that's 'just for him'!! *grin*
vipergal · 6/22/2011
Hey, Dance for yourself. Embrace your sensuality and your womanhood. I dance for myself and I don't care if its sexy or not. I have fun and love the community of women that I have met through pole fitness. And yeah, if he can't appreciate this, well, then the heck with him.
Runemist34 · 6/22/2011
I'm sorry but...I just can't leave this one alone. A man is not a two dimensional creature- they don't just want sex and food. Men are human, and as we fight for equality in this world, as women, we should be remembering that. We want them to treat us as multifacited human beings, and we should be doing the same to them. Lead by example. First of all, there are some women out there that enjoy the idea of two men having sex. Many of you will cringe and go "Eeew!" So, why do we simply accept that men want to see two women having sex? Just because our society has latched on to that and decided it was socially acceptable, doesn't mean everyone wants it, or should want it. The same goes for feet, or pole dancing, or pornography. Not everyone finds it sexy or interesting! People have many wants and needs in life, but one thing remains constant: We want and need to feel happy, and loved. This is why we find companions, why we get married, and why we have friends. Instead of deciding your man is cheating or ignoring him entirely and seeing if he comes running, why not just be nice to him, and talk to him like he's an adult? You aren't his mom, you're his wife; mutual partners in a relationship, sharing their lives together. You share yours, he shares his, and sometimes you do things apart from each other. I'm sure everyone here who has a husband or boyfriend (or girlfiriend or wife) can find one hobby or interest that they do not share with their significant other. I know this is the case with my husband and I. This is why I am comfortable hooping or pole dancing without his watching me or being always there going "That's so sexy!" all the time. I do it for myself. Same as he likes cars and computers, and I'm not sitting there going "That's totally awesome!" all the time. You've got a whole community of pole-interested people to share with here. And, if you really want him to see what you've been working on, I'm sure that Polergirl's suggestion would at least be appreciated by him! Even if he doesn't find it sexy, he can appreciate it, I'm sure of that.
LoneStarDiva · 6/22/2011
Rune..you're so sweet. I know my statements sound harsh.. so let me at least 'clean up' one of them: Do you remember John Grey who wrote "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus'? Essentially, many agree that SOMETIMES it's just best to leave the men to their 'cave'. No pressure. They spring back in your direction like a 'rubber band'. That's basically all I was saying. I've experimented TOO MANY TIMES. It DOES work. (And also... Ignoring?? Not rude, not mean... just let HIM come to YOU about everything for a while. Men DO like to make the first moves. Sorry if you disagree.) And like it or not.. there are some 'generalizations' about the sexes that just plain TRUE. ;) Men are cool. As long as you understand the instruction manual! :):) Luv YA! Oh.. and on the other book mentioned re: 'bitches"... the author CLEARLY states her intended definition of such. Not mean, or crabby, or stuck up. Just confident, clear, somewhat 'aloof', but ALWAYS Kind! ;)
FreeTheSun · 6/22/2011
Lexistarr, have you asked to show him your new tricks? You may want to show them off, but maybe he doesn't want to force you to make your pole dancing about him and so is just showing you support (and he's shown a lot of great support, some aren't so encouraging) and letting you decide what things you will and won't share with him. I know it's not as fun when you have to ask for things you want, but since mindreading is a very rare talent, it's kinda a fact of relationships.
vipergal · 6/22/2011
Diva, you are amazing! I love your philosophy on life!
Runemist34 · 6/22/2011
LoneStar, I'm sorry if I came off a bit strong...I've heard similar arguements from people who REALLY mean "bitches," the mean, catty, horrible kind. And yes, I can kind of agree with letting guys go to their caves...though I know I need my cave time, too! lol For me, it's a give-and-take...I go to him, he comes to me, and we're happy. There doesn't need to be this tension of who's going where!
meaganoff · 6/22/2011
I think, when you're working on a trick and really in a fitness mode, there can be a time when pole isn't that sexy. I definitely consider it a sport workout about 80 - 90% of the time. My hubs and I talk about pole usually in the same conversations we have about his jiu jitsu practices - it's comparing sport progress... But sometimes, usually after a few cocktails... he makes a playlist, and I put on something skimpy, and we have a *different* kind of pole session. And my brain is in a totally different space. And so is his. The two are completely separate - with the former he's supportive but relatively uninvolved... and with the latter, well... he really likes it (and so do I.) 😉 I know it's not like this for everyone, but this is how it works for me; sometimes giving a performance for your S.O., and not thinking about tricks or form or anything but just finding your inner sex goddess can help get them involved... Just my two cents.
Legend · 6/23/2011
sigh..... I had to pick myself off the floor with this one... Lonestardiva: your post brought me to tears... anyway Lexistarr, my bf is the same... supportive yes, but totally uninterested... At first he was not happy with the idea, i guess for months he was hoping I would get tired of it, now he knows that's not going to happen and he's ok with it. However every millestone have been a struggle, from getting a new pole in the living room, telling everyone what i was doing or when started uploading videos... he didnt like any of those, didnt say anything, just gave "the look"... but he accepted my decision. He helps me everytime i ask for, when trying a new trick or setting up the poles and he listens to my pole ramblings...he is always there for me so i know he loves me. That beeing said... I dance for myself and my dogs. he never asked me for a dance, he does not even look at me while i'm poling. It's funny, like runemist said, people often assume he would be the happiest guy, many of my friends thought he bought me the pole and we must be having a blast in the evenings... oh well, I know this is common, I wonder why many of us, who feel so passionatly about this sport/art end up with men who couldn't care less... hmm food for thought.... A friend of mine told me other day that indiference kills affection... well not sure if its the case, but it definately kills your spirit...
vamp79 · 6/23/2011
I have been wanting to post my opinion on this and just haven't had the chance but now I just had to after reading ur latest post. This will hopefully make u feel better. If ur man was not happy about u pole dancing from the start it will take a while for him to warm up to it. He most likely feels like pole dancing takes u one step closer to being labeled as a stripper and does not like the idea. My man was the other way around. Happy at first since hour thought it would be only for him,but as soin as he realized that this is something that I am doing for myself he started acting weird about it. I guess he was used to getting all my free time and now this has changed. I also feel like men become a little insecure when we do something sexy just for us. I wouldn't worry about him being distracted bu something or someone else and not paying attention to u. He may just be hoping that u will give up on the idea and move away from something that is associated with strip clubs. Stick with it and offer to show him a dance when u feel ready. Don't expect him to ask if he wasn't in board to begin with. When u do dance for him its best to give him a lot of attention. No big tricks since men are not always wowed by them. Hang in there and stick to doing what u love. He will come around. Sorry for mispelling and punctuation issues. I'm typing from my phone and in a hurry :)
DedeJoy · 6/23/2011
Have you tried talking to him about it and letting him know how you feel? If you haven't and you want to do this (I think you should, but that's just an opinion), my advice is to be careful to not make any demands or ask him to do anything. Simply tell him that you feel hurt and disappointed that he doesn't seem to be very interested. And then stop talking. Let him address your feelings. See what he says. I had a similar situation with my BF. There was this one need I wasn't getting met. I understood how he felt about it, but the compromise I'd agreed to wasn't really working for me anymore. One night I burst into tears and the issue came kicking and screaming out into the light of day. I was careful to not ask him to meet this need -- just told him why it was important to me and how I was feeling about not having that need met. I told him, "I don't want you do this because I want you to or because I asked you to. I want you to do this because YOU want to." He did not commit to or agree to doing anything at that point. The very next day, his behavior changed ever so slightly and he began meeting that need. I'm a big fan of just telling him how his actions make you feel. And yeah, post vids here, focus on your girls you work out with (if you have pole buddies), and think about why you're poling. If you're doing it for yourself, then it really doesn't matter -- at the end of the day -- if he's interested in watching or not.
Maria Joao · 6/24/2011
@Legend: I see myself in what you said. He couldn't care less... It's so sad :((
Yogini · 6/24/2011
Here are my two cents... My boyfriend isn't over-enthused about watching me pole either. If I tell him I learned something new, he says "cool, honey" and doesn't ask to see it. I'll set up the pole in the living room and practice, but he'll be watching tv behind me. I'm not saying he's annoyed or disinterested, but he's just not chomping at the bit to see it. Personally, I'm to shy to do a dance for him, but I'll practice my spins and tricks in front of him and he'll say things like "please don't hurt yourself" and "you HAVE gotten better!" My boyfriend is a very sexual being. He knows what he likes and what works for him and he tells me. We communicate about it and we know each other well enough to know how to turn the other one on. I might throw some lingerie on and do a few little spins on the pole, but it's more about the lingerie than the pole for him, you know what I mean? The point I'm getting at with this story is (similar to what Rune said) is that some things work for some people and don't work for others. Communication about what does work is important. I am sad to hear that he doesn't give you the attention you want. But here's my opinion: You don't need him to validate your existence. You have everything you need to be confident and secure in yourself. You really, really do. My advice is to hang out with yourself for a while and get to know yourself better. Be honest with yourself. I'm not talking about the kind of "honesty" that makes you think negative things about yourself. I'm saying be honest with yourself in identifying what your needs are and how they can be met. Ask yourself why you want the things you want and how having these things will make you happy. You might find that your needs are different than what you thought, or you might find that you were right in the first place but you will have a deeper understanding of why you have these needs. DedeJoy made a great recommendation about how to talk with him. Express what you're feeling, but don't make demands. But please remember- you are amazing and you have everything you need to be happy already in you waiting to be realized. And keep posting on StudioVeena. There is such a great community here and we will always be happy for you when you learn new tricks and we all want to see you progress :) Okay, so there's my contribution...