The only girl

Serzi started this discussion · 4/26/2013

Not really pole-related, but I'm on my second day at a new job and could use some advice. It has been made known to me that I am the token female employee at this company. While this does not intimidate me exactly, still, it brings my defenses up which may or may not be a good thing. I am also in uncharted territory because I have been approaching this in a "Stay positive and laugh it off"-manner which, really, is also very new to me. I need this job too much to unleash the outspoken bitch-goddess within me (I am the sole breadwinner in my household.), so please refrain from the "Don't take any shit! I wouldn't cuz I'm awesome!"-speech. That's counter-productive and is not going to help anything. I truly want this job to work out for me this time and not get caught up in the bs. So, I guess my question is, what would you do in my situation? It seems a few guys are a bit threatened by my presence and the few who weren't now alienate me since they found out I'm married. I mean, I'm not gonna bake fresh poppyseed muffins to garner favor or anything, but I have been trying to just stay pleasant despite the whispers and snickers behind me. Do I stay the course or...wtf? lol It's kinda funny to me now that I read this, but have you ever tried being the only woman on the job? It's so awkward.

16 replies

Serzi · 4/26/2013
Btw, thanks to anyone who actually reads or answers this. I posted this here because Veeners usually have great advice and I certainly could use a pep-talk right now. Let's see...here's a way to make this pole-related. I WANT Veena's new pole, this job would enable me to buy it. LOL
PlatinumAni · 4/26/2013
I am not sure what you do but with any job I suppose the answer is.. prove them wrong. Make sure you are not the token female by being great at your job. Then buy the SV pole and take your frustrations out on it.
chemgoddess1 · 4/26/2013
I am not sure what you do. I work with mostly men (not all but most). The majority of the women at my job work in the offices where I work in the lab. I do not wear makeup nor do my hair special. I have been in situations where I had to prove myself and in a short time I was being treated as one of the guys. They are probably uncomfortable because they have not had to watch their mouths up to this point but now they do. You are going to need to roll with the punches but also let someone know if they make you uncomfortable. I have done this but not to their face; usually it is by email. If you emasculate them in front of their work mates they will for SURE make your life hell. This is new....give them a few weeks and I am sure things will settle down. And of course you were being checked out...you are fresh meat!
dustbunny · 4/26/2013
I agree with Chemmie, I have had Many jobs where I was the only woman or one of very few women. Don't take it personally at this point, there are many reasons they could be acting strange or uncomfortable and more than likely they are just not used to having a woman around. Just be yourself and do the best job you Can do. Give them a chance to get to know you, and vice-versa. :) They will adapt and you will probably make some friends. But just like Any workplace You won't get along with everyone all the time. If you don't make gender an issue then most others won't either. Good luck with your new job. I hope you enjoy it and get that new SV pole, l want one too! :)
byrdgrrl · 4/26/2013
I have been the only girl (or one of few) pretty much my whole life. The most important thing that I can tell you is to not let it become a "thing". Do your job well, act professionally, and don't be afraid to ask questions and get dirty (metaphorically or maybe literally, depending on what you do). Tell a raunchy joke or two. Be friendly. Since this is new, they're having to get used to you as much as you are getting used to them.
Serzi · 4/26/2013
Well, thanks for all your advice and for sharing your own experiences! Wow, I really love this site, always so helpful. :) Yes, I suppose I need to give it more time. It is very awkward, though, more so than any other first week at a new job. Eyes all over me, I say "Hi!" and people usually just STARE at me w/ a puzzled expression like "how did one of those things get in here?". Lmao It's rather uncomfortable, but my boss and customers seem to like me so I guess that's all that matters. Still...ugh...it's weird when I'm actually there and this stuff goes on. Like "Yup. I have a vagina. Get over it!" :/
aliceBheartless · 4/26/2013
Yeah I know how that goes. I have four brothers, so I have been outnumbered my whole life. Somehow, I also have managed to almost always be the only or only one of a few women in my jobs as well. I know how awkward it can be. I used to be a mill worker. And once I went to work in a mill that used the women's bathroom as a storage closet because they had never had a woman work in the green mill. It was a lumber mill, green wood is heavy and hard to manage, so women typically don't work there. I never 'pulled chain', but I always wanted to because I wanted to prove to myself that I could. I had a key to my bathroom, but so did anyone else who had a key to the storage closet. Talk about awkward. I don't think they ever got used to seeing me work there. I basically learned that not addressing it is the best way to assimilate. I have never dealt with any sort of actual offense by the males I have worked with so there was no need to go there. It's usually just their natural order being disturbed when they realize that they wouldn't act/say things like that in front of their wives or sisters. And that makes them awkward and confused.
darcit · 4/27/2013
I've also been the only girl in a "girls don't work here" situation several times. I spent a lot of summers working in Montana and Idaho on fisheries crews that spent 8 days at a time in the backcountry doing research. I was always the only girl on the crew and often the only girl working out of the regional office. I found that guys were usually skeptical that I could "carry my weight" and do the work, but once they found out I could they would usually loosen up. It did seem like there would always be one guy who would be intimidated by a girl who could do what he thought was a man's job and would continue to annoy me. I found that if I just did the job as well (or better in some cases) as he did, the rest of the crew would realize how stupid he sounded and put a stop to his behavior without me having to really say anything. Of course, once you get to know the guys you'll know who you can "put in their place" verbally and who you can't. I agree that in general giving it some time will help. Also that not being afraid to join in with the general office banter to let them know that they don't have the change the way they act because you're there.
PlatinumAni · 4/27/2013
I am not saying don't be uptight or a downer... but do be careful about joining in or raunchy jokes. In recent years I have terminated as many females as males for harassing/discriminatory behavior. In the litigious work world you have to be smart. If they are already gunning for you don't give them ammunition. Regardless of intent if 1 person is "offended" your at risk. It is not even about what you say or do but the perception of the people who may see/over hear. Do your job, do it well, earn your respect and rise above the drama. As a person that deals with HR on issues for over 700 employees I will tell you that is what an employer wants.
Serzi · 4/27/2013
Update: Today went much more smoothly as I was called-in due to someone being sick (*cough*hungover*cough*) and NO ONE else would even answer their phone. Scored some brownie points w/ boss and crew, they were very grateful to have my help. A lot easier today, everyone seemed to ease up a little. Was nice. :) Hopefully things will not be so awkward now. Thanks again for all the suggestions and encouragement!
Lina Spiralyne · 4/27/2013
I agree a lot with PlatinumAni for example. Also, I understand your situation, but you cannot take sh*t, even if you need this job badly. No one should have the right to fire you because you stand up for yourself, right? And I think you will hate that workplace if you'll feel offended in it. About you being exotic because of the fact that there were no women at that place before, you can most probably expect that to calm down soon. It seems you're already experiencing that. Everyone will get used to your presence. Be yourself. If someone says something offensive about you or about women in general, try to have the courage to ask them what they mean. Not in an aggressive manner, just look at them and say "sorry, I didn't understand what you meant" with an expression and tone as if you were sincerely interested in what they had to say. People who are sexistic or judgmental and discriminating in any way are rarely comfortable with having to explain themselves. A confrontation is not what they want. Therefore, if they notice that you don't just let thing like that pass, they'll probably think twice the next time. And even if things will be a bit tense between you and that person afterwards, it will at least be you having the advantage because it was not you offending them. Asking what someone means is not the same as being offensive, remember that. I hope this all will work out fine for you:)!
Serzi · 4/27/2013
Thank you for the tips! Btw, I am not being passive exactly...just taking a more positive, mindful approach to this than I have in past jobs. I'm trying to avoid being "witchy" or overreacting to simple nuances. If anyone steps beyond my boundaries I always correct them promptly. I am no one's doormat or plaything and I assert that quite well usually. Call-in's I only take when I need the money and, boy, do I ever right now. Still, I appreciate the advice. Being mindful, positive, and not highly explosive are very new approaches for me. I am a very sensitive person to change. Thank you for your insight! :D
Serzi · 4/27/2013
@CorbyOConner I actually had a funny dilemma concerning the bathroom at work today. They do not have a segregated bathroom there, everyone uses the same one. Well, you can imagine it was not very pretty in there. (toilet paper on top of the holder rather than actually put together, soap dispenser out, cracked mirror, dirty sink, dirty floor, doubled as a storage closet, etc.) Anyway, my real dilemma was in the fact that the toilet seat was up when I walked in. I actually stopped a moment to consider whether I should leave it down or put it back up where it was. 99% of my co-workers are men so the seat is left up probably the majority of the time. In under a second, all sorts of thoughts went through my mind. How it may be courteous to put it back up much like how, "when women are the majority it is courteous to put it back down...but then if someone sees me leave they'll wonder why the seat is up...but if I leave it down they'll know I peed in here...oh, FOR CRYING OUTLOUD!" I left it down, of course. Just sayin', the thoughts I had were hilarious. I lol'd, just thought I'd share the laugh. xD
Linuxgirl · 4/27/2013
I've been the only girl 28 guys to 1 chick for two years now. I have found some things that helped me survive the jealous guys, guys who are nice until they realize I'm not single. What you are saying "I literally feel your pain". Don't try to be one of the guys, if something bad happens (sexual harassment) if you even swear like a guy, the old boys club uses it like "she had a skirt on she was asking for it" kind of mentality. Being the "Token" girl, once you prove you can do e job and so it well that crap goes out the window and you will get treated pretty much equally. It takes about 3 months to gel with a group of guys, expect the same weirdness from new guys. minimal makeup and do your hair, it's odd have fun with this one, I found I was taken the most seriously with minimal make up and my hair done, not just wearing a baseball cap. if things get crappy, the corporate route is to document all instances of harassment and bullying. Keep a journal write your day in it and exactly what happened. This will help if you must take your concerns to Management. Use your foot to kick the seat down. Let them touch the nasty seat :) I have read a lot of your posts, you seem, like an amazingly strong, resilient woman and it would take a lot to rattle your cage, I honestly believe you'll be fine once the initial little boy hazing period is over where they are weird to you. Give it time like any new job it takes awhile to become like a piece of furniture :)
Serzi · 4/28/2013
Aw, thanks girl! You give me too much credit honestly. It is far easier to put my ducks in a row when I write than in real life, but I keep trying. Self improvement is an on-going goal of mine. I am only just recently developing some level of patience for others and stability w/ my overwhelming moodiness. I thank my daughter for that. :) As for your advice, I genuinely appreciate it. Things seemed calmer and not so unfriendly today at work. While it seems unlikely I will be viewed as a person first and a woman second, really, I think my co-workers have just as much difficulty viewing themselves as people first and as men second. Gender roles in society suck. l
Serzi · 5/1/2013
Update (again): Apparently a young man was hired at the same time as me. It has been made known to me that my crew favors me over working w/ him because I actually do my work and do not goof off like he alledgedly does. I thought that was nice. Figured I'd share. :)