So then he said, " Dance hoe."

PoleLizard89 started this discussion · 8/8/2013

So I have been poling for two months now and love it. I know some awesome spins and combos and am now getting myself accustomed to spinny mode. Okay so to get to the point. One of the instructors gave me her pole from home because she practices at the studio. It's an older x-pole 50mm. Well I got it up about a week ago and have been using it everyday. Im in love. So Tuesday I had class as well as an intense home practice and then yesterday(Wednesday) I had an intense home practice. And as I'm sure you all know that comes with not only sore muscles but pole burn, bumps and bruises. Which I love because I can "feel" my hard work. Well I decided I would take off a day or two because I am feeling just burnt out. So last night my boyfriend and I go to bed. He gets in bed before me and lays on his back. I go to get in bed and he kinda keeps me from getting in and the tells me, "Dance hoe." It pissed me off. Not only was I tired and sore but Tuesday night I wanted to dance for him and show him my sexiness and you know what he did while I was dancing....he turned the light off and rolled over. So naturally last night when he told me to.dance I was put off. I told him I was sore and tired. So he told me he was always sore and then.rolled over and went to sleep. I don't know what the fuck his problem is...just venting ladies!!!

21 replies

chemgoddess1 · 8/8/2013
You have a new infatuation/love that is not him. If you do not tell him how you feel it will only fester. There are threads upon threads upon threads of behavior like this. What he did is plain disrespectful and he needs to be called on it.
Quirkygrl16 · 8/8/2013
How disrespectful! I would NEVER tolerate my husband calling me a hoe. EVER!
Dwiizie · 8/8/2013
My husband has done similar things. He feels he's doing all the work because he has a job. I feel I'm doing all the work because I have a job and have to manage a lot of the household. We both end up exhausted, I need a massage, he needs a massage, we're both too tired to give anything up. But getting off topic, I will practice, and he will see that as a dance for him. When I tell him basically that I need to practice and he's a distraction, he's rejected. Then I actually DO a sexy dance for him and he's like "I figured you were just practicing again" I feel like screaming "HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL THE DIFFERENCE DENSE HEAD!!!" then he will ask for a dance at 10 30 at night after he's been indulging in his affair with the TV on the couch since he got home from work and I'm tired, my alarm comes early, and I'm just not able to get in the mood when its that freakin' late. If its important he could turn the TV off and pay some attention to me. He ALWAYS ignores my signals that I want lovey time, and then blames me that he doesn't get it enough. I tell him its that its not romantic for me to have to spell out "I would like to have relations with you this evening". Sure, sometimes thats whats called for, but can't he ever just let things unfurl?? And why is it soooo horrible when he gets rejected, but I'm supposed to just accept rejection because he's dense as marble. Its always all my fault and never his. I wish I was in an income bracket that would allow us to have help around the house or a monthly massage to take the burden off but I don't. We have to take care of ourselves or take care of each other or something. I am SOOOO glad he is going to St. Louis next week I need a vacation from my husband! Good luck to us all SMH
PoleLizard89 · 8/8/2013
CG- I will be voicing my opinion later today...but gently because I know how man feelings get hurt so easily. Goodness!
PoleLizard89 · 8/8/2013
Dwiizie-Lol.. dense as a marble!! Are we living the same life!? My God! What you described is almost exactly the same as what goes on in my household! I feel like I could explode sometimes. He is soooo unromantic and when I give him signals and try to be sensual...he sits there like a cave man or is too tired...but if he pulls his d#ck out and pretty much expects me to.jump on....and I.don't then something must be wrong with me!! Men still drag their knuckles when they walk!
chemgoddess1 · 8/8/2013
Dwiizie- look for massage schools in your area. They often have student massages for very cheap!
SpyralBound · 8/8/2013
Never mind the pole stuff and the being sore and tired and everything... calling you a ho is a felony in my book. Absolutely uncalled for, even if he meant it kind of as a joke (I can't tell from the way you wrote it, but I know my husband often says rude/offensive things with a tone of humor that, if typed out in black and white, would look really bad). I'm not saying dump your boyfriend, but girl...this makes my stomach turn for you. What you wrote in your last comment, the expecting you to jump on and then criticizing you if you don't want to... I'm getting chills of recognition here, I've been in a similar spot with an SO and it does not end pretty. (You can message me privately if you want to.) I would say, don't voice yourself quietly to spare his feelings *UNLESS* you think angering him would endanger you (I'm not assuming either way). He crossed a big line and you have to let him know, in no uncertain terms, that that shit will not be tolerated. These are your boundaries, only you get to decide what those are, and if he can't respect them, he has no business calling himself your boyfriend. This isn't a Man thing. This is an asshole thing. Any significant other, male or female, who does this and thinks it's OK is an asshole, plain and simple. Don't pawn it off on his gender, hold him accountable for his actions, because they speak louder than words.
DesireeMann · 8/8/2013
My ex-husband was the same way. He called me names and refused to accep tmy pole dancing and bellydancing. This is why he is the EX! I feel for you honey! My new boyfriend is so supportive.
azblanco · 8/8/2013
maybe im different but my man and i call each other many different names when we are in the mood and when we are playing around.. we both like it. now if he were to call me a bitch or ho out in public there would be a serious problems then, but if its in the comfort of our own home and i hear his tone i always know if it was meant disrespectfully or not. I know two wrongs dont make a right but usually if something disrepectful is said, that neither one of us likes, we always respond back to each other with the same reaction and for some reason we always end up with a tit for tat argument that leads to tickle fights.. ane i am usually the one thats held down and tortured while my feet are being tickled... its miserable, but all i can do is laugh and then i have all these endorphins running through me from laughing and trying to escape that we always forget what we were pissed off at in the first place... then we move on with our day after.
DeaconJungleCatPoles · 8/8/2013
There are a lot of different things going on in this one post. Here's my evaluation from a male's point of view: 1) Being sore and tired from poling is a real and chronic issue and it needs to formally addressed!! A part of me absolutely loves pole while another part of me dreads waking up stiff and sore every single day. It is actually to the point where it is debilitating for me. My last relationship was a spur of the moment union. It came out of no where, happened quick, and was over just as quick, but during that time I realized something that actually kind of terrified me. I realized doing that whole 5-6 month stint, I was ALWAYS so sore and tired that I NEVER initiated ANY kind of intimacy at all!! I wanted to in my head but the thought of physically acting on my impulse just became unbearable! And I also realized how many times I ended up changing plans with people at the last minute because I always feel too bad to go out places. I always upset ALOT of friends cuz they want me to come out places and I just don't have the energy and strength get on public transportation when my body feels like crap. It's really hard to explain that to ppl as well. They just think you're being overly dramatic and blowing them off when it's totally not the case. (I actually don't even have a good remedy to solve this one cuz all I do is pop pain killers like Skittles and I still always feel sore and physically drained). 2) I think what happens to a lot of us is that our partner's ego is really broken down when they realize that our pole dancing is for US primarily and not necessarily for them, especially if pole fitness is started after the relationship began. This along with any other resentment causes the next issue, anger and disrespect. Us men really aren't encouraged to be respectful of women. We're actually pushed to do the opposite really and it's sad, but men definitely know what subject to use to push women's buttons when they want to make themselves feel more superior by belittling a woman. It's subtle and we always use the excuse, "It was just a joke" but trust me, WE know exactly what we are doing. Vice versa, it goes both ways. My ex definitely took jabs at me about my dancing and being around girls in class and such. Specially when we confide in them about how much of a soft spot it is for us being stereotyped because of what we do. Anytime anybody is in their feelings their gonna use whatever ammunition we give them to use against us because they know we are sensitive by it. I've also been a victim of the line, "You're always sore and tired!" Which really is the truth actually. 3) What this situation appears to be is just like most situations, a failure to communicate. A disrespect partner is a problem in and of itself that would have arisen eventually in one form or another. It's just that this time your pole dancing was the vehicle. As for someone feeling rejected, part of it is their own ego getting the better of them. Instead of it just being about you being tired and sore at that moment, it becomes an insecurity issue for them. My only advice is if you truly want this relationship to work then you should both have an honest open discussion about your feelings and what you are both willing to sacrifice. Validate and listen to each others wants and needs and make it clear what you will both be bringing to the table to make it work. It's not about you or him but it's about both of you. If you want to keep him interested make sure you set aside special time for him. Make special date nights. He can ask you but make sure you take initiative sometimes too. Contrary to popular belief men like to be made to felt special too. Likewise though, he needs to understand that you just aren't some piece of meat to order around whenever he gets horny. He has a responsibility to keep you interested as well. He might have bought the cow but the milk doesn't have to be free! It's time to be honest with yourself because the fact of the matter is if you REALLY want to spend time with someone you will sacrifice and do whatever it takes to make time for them, damn all the excuses. I've fully accepted this which is why I plan to stay single for a long long time. I have a lot going on right now. Working multiple jobs trying to make ends meet, teaching and training in pole while trying to juggle a relationship (that I really wasn't even seeking out to be honest) just proved to be too much of a strain. It might be selfish on my part or it might not be depending on how you look at it but at least laying all your cards out on the table will help both of you make more informed decisions. I hope everything works out for you and I wish you all the best.
SpyralBound · 8/8/2013
Azblanco, I get that that can be a normal thing for some couples, but if it were the case for these two, I don't think polegoddess would be here ranting about it to the point that THAT is what she made the title of the post - not "my boyfriend wanted me to dance for him" but specifically calling out what he said. The most important part of any relationship is consent - both parties have to be cool with what's going on. If a couple has consented to name-calling and it's clear both of them are on the same page, that's one thing. But a significant other who's keeping their partner from getting into bed and commanding their partner to dance for their own pleasure, that's...sketchy at best, especially when combined with the other details about his expectations for her to perform sexually (dancing or otherwise) whenever he wants her to. It's not just the one detail of a disrespectful word being used, but the whole picture she paints that gives me the heebie-jeebies. In any case, it's not my place to say, polegoddess has to trust her own gut on this one, but it struck kinda close to home for me.
PoleLizard89 · 8/8/2013
Thank you guys for all of your input....it's much appreciated.Okay so first off we discussed this when he came home for lunch and he understands why I got pissed and he didn't realize he was being such an ass. Let's just say miscommunication combined with bad timing on his part and me just wanting to get my ass in bed is what fueled our spat. Anyway let me clarify about him pulling his schlong out because it seems really bad when I read what I had typed. Okay I'm like an old engine; I need to be warmed up before you take me for a spin..he doesn't really get that. so he will pull it out and want some and to me that's not a turn on. So he gets rejected and doesn't like it...who does? I try to be sensual and when he doesn't want it I get rejected ....grrr I hate rejection. Anyway he doesn't force me or anything like that. Sexually there are some things that are awkward for him and he just doesn't "get". Both of us were sexually abused as children but I will spare the details and just say that what he went through is terrifying and absolutely terrible. Also I promise I am in no danger with him..we do wrestle but that about as physical as it gets. It releases tension. I was in an abusive relationship before we started dating and I will never go through that again. Oh and Azblanco...yeah we call each other all kinds of things in the heat of the moment ...his timing was fucking terrible last night and I wasn't having it. I think we need a vacation with no children. I love him very much and he takes Carr of my son and I. He is an awesome guy. He still has issues he needs to work out as do I.
SpyralBound · 8/8/2013
I'm glad it's not as bad as I feared... I get you on needing the warmup, I'm the same way, and my husband and I have run into this (continue to run into this... we're working on it) multiple times, because he is Always On and needs no warmup whatsoever, and always wants to rush through to the "sex" part of sex. Sure, no one likes rejection, and no one likes making their honey feel rejected, but boundaries trump pride in every case. If you're not up for it, that has to be the final answer, and he's not allowed to make you feel bad for it (like there's "something wrong" with you, to use your own words). It's probably because I've been so focused on boundary-setting in my own marriage that your situation set off my alarm bells. In my situation, the lines between "forcing" and "coercing" have been blurred a lot, so him giving you a command like that, and you feeling to blame for his rejection, triggered a lot of my own trauma. Sorry if I overstepped at any point.
PoleLizard89 · 8/8/2013
Pankake no boundaries overstepped whatsoever! I appreciate all of your thoughts 100%. I love how complicated things can be...not. We both need some help with things but we'll be okay. Boundaries are very important and we have some. I understand what you said about rushing to the "sex" part. He is bad for that. We will be working on this and continue to work on it. I sooo appreciate your words of advice. Thanks so much!
DeaconJungleCatPoles · 8/8/2013
Foreplay is a tricky subject. Imma let you in on a little secret...the majority of us men are actually EXTREMELY good at foreplay but we don't like to show it. Why you ask? Few reasons: 1) It can be very time consuming. 2) Foreplay is about men being unselfish in their pleasing of women and not every dude feels like every chick is worth taking the time to please. Some are too lazy to learn a women's dislikes and likes, what turns her on, and off, etc. Too much for the self centered. 3) If the foreplay is good, it can set a precedent that foreplay should be included in EVERY encounter and if it's not then somebody feels let down if it's not done or cut short. So a lot of us PRETEND at being bad at it just so we can get out of doing it. Don't expect to get hours long head every single night but don't cut brother man no slack either! Make em work for it!! :-P
SpyralBound · 8/8/2013
JungleCat you make me smile. Men are pretty simple, you get an erection and you're good to go 0-60 in a matter of seconds, but a lot more has to happen for the lady to be ready for it, and that doesn't happen in seconds. (Needless to say, this isn't universal and there are exceptions, but I've found it common enough to feel comfortable with the generalization.) My man is good at foreplay...WHEN he puts the effort in and doesn't rush it. And he's not likely to do that if he just wants to pump and dump, but guess what, I'm not going to enjoy that if I'm not at least a little warmed up. And if both parties aren't enjoying the sex, why have sex? (Like you day this can come down to self-centeredness.) In any case, ANY amount or type of foreplay is better than just whipping it out and asking her to hop on or go down. That kind of treatment can make a gal feel like a vending machine rather than a partner. (I'm not aiming this at anyone in particular, just sayin'.)
xylina · 8/9/2013
I hate when I tell people I do pole and they say oh you are a stripper ugh no idiot its pole fitness its not rauchy its nice and its fitness sheesh
quancutie23 · 8/11/2013
Im a sista I dont take bs. If my man called me a hoe I would have showed him a real hoe. And kick him out and tell him to take a hike. Im not allowing anyone to treat me like a dog. Maybe next time u should tell him to dance hoe hahah and throw pennies at him
PoleLizard89 · 8/11/2013
Quan- I don't take BS either. But trust me I have showed him "hoe" but he enjoyed it ....
quancutie23 · 8/11/2013
I hope everything is well with you guys now, and i hope he understands and agrees he can't talk to you like your some trick off the streets and that he was wrong for calling you out of your name. :)
PoleLizard89 · 8/12/2013
Everything is cool now. We have talked about it since and he understands why it pissed me off so much. He thought he was being cute and funny and maybe if the timing was right it would've been alright...but damn it if he doesn't have the worst.timing!