Significant other unimpressed by pole activity?

KristaCNH started this discussion · 6/9/2013

I tried searching through the discussions... and found plenty on the general public's misinterpretation of pole art or lack of respect for it as a legitimate activity, but what about your significant others? My boyfriend... has admitted he doesn't like pole. He doesn't care for dance generally. On the other hand he is quite athletic and goes to the gym several times per week so I would at least imagine he would appreciate the physical challenge of pole if not the art... but he's almost completely disinterested and negative about it. On the few occasions I've gingerly mentioned him helping me w/ a routine this negativity comes out. Most guys I know would be pretty enthusiastic about critiquing some pole, but for this guy... it evokes a thinly veiled eyeroll. Once we were in the gym & I ran several miles, then tried some behind the back chin ups (that he wanted to see if i could do) and then did one of my best oversplits ever... and he said he didn't understand the functional utility of that! Has anyone else had this experience?

35 replies

Runemist34 · 6/9/2013
There have been a couple of instances around here where people's significant others are less enthused about their ladies pole dancing than the social media would lead us to believe. And, while not all guys are into pole dancing, and that's okay... I don't think that being negative about one's partner's hobby is in any way alright. Personal opinion, of course ;) If he doesn't generally care for dance, that's cool- I don't generally care for some forms of art, too! Everyone has their preferences, and they don't always extend out the same ways or for the same reasons. That's what makes us awesome and different. And, in some ways, I can understand his complaints about the "functional utility" of the oversplits... you're not exactly going to be using that in general, daily life, unless you dance for a living. However, at a certain point, lifting weights and going to the gym loses it's "functional utility" unless you're a body-builder, and you get paid on your physique. I don't particularly see doing the oversplits as anything different! No, you don't really use the splits in regular, daily life, but nor do you need the strength to bench-press a car. Personally, I would have a serious talk with him. As you've already gone for your splits and then some, you're obviously very serious about dancing and (I would hope!) enjoy it very much. It's not easy getting through this path without support, and negative reactions can make it that much more difficult to, say, get that beautiful Iron-X you've been dreaming of (or some other advanced move!). At the very least he can be straight up and say that he supports you, but he doesn't want to be involved. That, to me, is what partners do.
KristaCNH · 6/9/2013
Wow... thank you so much for that very thoughtful response! You're definitely right that not everyone is going to appreciate all art forms or activities. I try to remember that. Maybe part of it is ego... I like being appreciated for some of my unique abilities like anyone else... & I guess it both surprised me & sort of hurt me that he just doesn't really care that much what acrobatic/stretchy/dancy things i can do :).
acoretacri · 6/9/2013
I get the same unimpressed reaction for my boyfriend. I was frustrate because he likes talking about his gym workouts. After talking with him, he realized I support him in things that I have no interest in because I love him and he should do the same for me. I get him to watch new moves once a week (maybe 3-5 minutes) and one video every once and while. That is about all I expect and I find it is enough most of the time. I do have to keep it a secret through. He doesn't want me to perform in case my job would find out and I can't tell his parents. Some people just don't have get dancing but you deserve support in something you love.
aliceBheartless · 6/9/2013
I do agree with the responses here. My fiance is not really into the acrobatic/aerial/pole scene at all. But he knows I love it. So he comes to my shows, and lets me put my pole up in his apartment, etc. Sometimes I can even get him to watch a youtube video that just about blows my mind. But we don't talk shop, workout together, watch youtube regularly or anything like that. I feel like this is all good. I am lucky that even though he doesn't want to be a part of it, he understands my passion for it and supports me. He is a gamer, and I think its more of a struggle for me to support him in that! So I work on my attitude about it, gift him on his bday with the games that he likes to play, and thank my lucky stars that he doesn't make me participate. :)
darcit · 6/10/2013
I agree with everyone here too. My husband isn't really into pole at all. He doesn't care if I do it - but it sort of annoys him when I ask him to spot me on some difficult move or watch a youtube video that I think is amazing. It's my thing - not his. He's a gunsmith and, while I can appreciate the work and knowledge it must take to fix a 100 year old gun for which they don't even make parts anymore, I'm really glad he doesn't want me to watch him do it. I would be insanely bored! I think he views pole the same way. Our deal is: he encourages me to go out and do pole with other people (I actually go down to the Madison WI area not infrequently for that) so that I have them to talk to/do pole with instead of him. I do the same for him with gunsmithing.
pegasusaerialfitness · 6/10/2013
Some men don't realize how difficult it is. When they see a Ms. Butterfly doing some amazing feats of strength, then they see us struggle with the basics or not make it perfect they are unimpressed. Keep it in the pole community. WE understand how hard it is, and what it takes to put your heart and soul out there.
PlatinumAni · 6/10/2013
I think that is ok to not be interested. However... it is SO not ok to be negative about something you genuinely care about. At the very least he can keep that to himself.
Kobajo84 · 6/10/2013
My husband doesn't care for pole either. He is very supportive of me but he would rather be doing something he enjoys when it comes to going to pole events/shows. He is just not as into it as I am, which is fine by me- everyone should have their own interests when it comes to a relationship.
majikmyke · 6/10/2013
I don't find it particularly surprising that your guys; your husbands, or significant other don't care for pole when it gets up close and personal. If you're a couple then it's up close and personal. For many men this becomes a masculinity issue. Guys are threatened by the unknown. Pole fitness is relatively new and many of you are at the forefront in this community. Your guys may realize that it takes an amazing amount of body strength and core strength to do what you do. That can be intimidating. Now we get to the confidence, positive outlooks, and assertiveness that I see in the women that I pole with, and again this can be intimidating to men. Of course, as we all know there's the historical background of where pole's beginnings came from. Somehow your mission, should you decide to accept it, will be to make pole a non-threatening item in your life as a couple. It would be interesting if more of the husbands and significant others who are comfortable with their wife's and girlfriends poling would speak up and offer their opinions on why they're comfortable with poling. I do think that PlatinumAni's three line post is right on the mark for anyone.
Angie La · 6/10/2013
My husband got over the idea of me pole dancing when she saw how athletic and creative it is...and how much it didn't directly involve him. He is excited I have something I love that keeps me in shape, and he is always the envy of his friends bc his wife is a pole dancer...but I knew he was really proud of me when he suggested I open a studio. I hardly ever heard much encouragement, at least as much as I was seeking, but that showed me how proud he is of me. He loves how the studio looks and sticks by me more. It took time... It's been two years since I started ;)
Charley · 6/11/2013
My bf kinda hates pole in general but respects what it has done for me. He will help and spot me when I need it, film the random dance if I need a filmer, etc. The biggest issue is the negativity, Rob stays fairly nuetral about things so that I don't have to feel bad about it. I think if he can't say anything nice he shouldn't say anything at all. You guys might want to have a heart to heart and just let him know his negativity is hurtful, let him know you get that it's not HIS thing but that you still need his support. :)
adAstra · 6/12/2013
You've gotten some great responses! Mine went from wondering why I would want to pole to being the one to set people straight that stripping is one part of a rich array of types of pole. Hopefully your guy will change his tune :) Oversplits might not be "functional" but stretching absolutely is. Before getting into pole and stretching my back hurt a lot of the time and I always had problems getting comfortable including while sitting, laying down, and getting intimate. Now I only have those problems if I fall off my flexy wagon. Stretching has eliminated the need for taking NSAIDs a few times a week, buying heat pads, and the general discomfort I had simply accepted. It also reduces risk of injury to be flexible and the stretching itself increases blood flow. Plus for me stretching is a chance to hang out b/c I stretch in video chat with my fellow polers!
calipolepixie · 6/12/2013
Mine has love/hate feelings about poling. When it comes to me poling, he's supportive--spots me when I ask, helps me set up my equipment for skype/google jams, helps me warm up my pole, helps me stretch & he loves how pole has changed me & made me happy, brags to other people about my poling & that I'm going to get my certification later this year, but he doesn't see it like he used to & every now & then he still gets envious of my poling & friendships in the pole community when I am having a particularly ambitious poling obsessive week/month that keep me from spending time with him. He does not like going to pole showcases or competitions(or watching them on youtube), he can't sit there & enjoy it. He'll sit there breaking down or critiquing the performers every move, it just takes a lot to impress him now...if its a super amazing combo, hell be wowed but this doesn't happen too often. He's not mean with his comments but it is distracting & drives me nuts, so I no longer take him to those types of events lol
samjane · 7/7/2013
That's exactly the reason I am so skeptical to start pole dancing…My bf is very discouraging: (. He is not very comfortable with the idea and he states that in his country (he is not American, he is from China) pole dancing is considered unethical. I think this is something beyond jealousy or his ego. He does love me for sure and he trusts me. However this is related with his cultural upbringing and unfortunately there is nothing I can do to change his mind right now 🙁
Hazi411 · 7/7/2013
Samjane - what about Chinese pole? Or is that only for men?
picklecookie · 7/7/2013
My husband isn't allowed to watch me practice because he says stuff like "that wasn't very graceful, you need to practice more" and just generally makes Mr feel like an untalented idiot that had no business being on a pole. My dad is very supportive though! (BTW, we're Chinese. Pole dancing is seen as an athletic activity there. They don't have strip clubs in China, though they do have "sexy dancing on poles" in bars, fully clothed of course.
samjane · 7/8/2013
@ https://www.studioveena.com/users/view/4d918eae-b5ac-4d0d-8eb3-3d7b0ac37250Really? Im glad your dad is supportive. I do know that his family is very conservative. He told me that pole dancing is considered provocative (at least) in China..I guess it has to do mostly with his family and his status🙁..
Koidragon · 7/8/2013
I am fortunate (and know it) that my partner is incredibly supportiver.
Koidragon · 7/8/2013
Ack - sorry about the last post, who knows what happened there :) What I was going to say is that my partner is supportive, but he is supportive because it is something I love. He can't stand the sound of the skin scraping down a pole (like in a drop) but other than that, he is the first to kiss my bruises and rub where I am sore. In general, whilst he is very strong, he doesn't agree with a lot of the physical hobbies around today because he thinks that it puts too much emphasis on how we 'look' rather than personal development. Regardless of this, he is always supportive of my choices and at the same time offers balance to make sure I am doing things for the right reasons (ie, my own, not those of others). I think in the end this is what a partner should do - be supportive and at the same time provoking of self growth and development. I don't want to sound out of turn, but it seems that some of these guys mentioned here are too caught up in how they are feeling about things - whether it be pole specifically, being de-masculinised (is that even a word?) or worrying about what other people may think instead of being there and focusing on their partners. One of the things I love about pole is that it is about skill and strength - you can do any kind of style you want - sexy, cheeky, demure, graceful, trick oriented... with this diversity I can't see how any person would have an issue with their partner doing it as it in it's very nature inspires growth. I have been an avid gym goer, and I can speak from experience, lifting weights is far less 'functional' in the real world than the strength from being able to lift your own body and do the things we can do. Standing in a gym and watching yourself in a mirror while you flex biceps and check out proportions is far less impressive to me than someone who can, time and time again, lift themselves up that pole to put their bodies into aerial dance. Ladies, I truly hope that your partners can open themselves up to what pole (and any style like it) can do in such profoundly positive ways. And above that, I hope they can just open themselves to be supportive of you, and see that having a strong, confident partner actually makes them more of a man, not less.
samjane · 6/22/2015
Hi KristaCNH, i was wondering what happened with your bf. Has he finally changed his mind? I broke up with mine (for other reasons obviously) and currently i have a new relationship BUT..Again the same problem, the same frustration. I don't know what is going on with guys these days... I mean he is only 34 (my ex was 33), so i cannot understand why they are so conservative..Many thanks!
KristaCNH · 6/22/2015
Wow I can't believe it's been two years since I originally posted this! Thanks for asking & i apologize in advance for what I'm sure is a TMI answer! We are still dating believe it or not & he has gotten better, but in complete honesty his attitudes have probably had a pretty significant effect on the trajectory of my pole journey :) For the worse. I did my first big competition a couple months after I posted this & the very day i was so excited to have created my submission video we went out and he was cold to me like he never had been and we temporarily split up. I made the competition, and was so stressed about the relationship the whole summer preceding it, it sort of ruined the excitement and motivation etc, but i still tried. A few days before the event he insisted to paint my deck with me. The timing was bad, but I let it happen & then not only did I not practice those days... I was poisoned by paint thinner & later found out I had near acute kidney failure & elevated liver function tests. Needless to say I felt like crap the whole week & was nauseated and vomiting pretty much the whole time. I thought I was okay for the competition but didn't do a very good performance, at least for me. He watched and the whole thing was like a self fulfilling prophecy of disaster where I felt like I was a complete idiot in front of everyone and it confirmed his opinion of me & pole... that I shouldn't do it. Or something like that. And since then I've been slowly digging my self esteem out of the garbage! :) It wasn't his fault exactly that that happened... but I saw other sig others and how excited they seemed for their performers and it just made me feel strange. Recently I had been accepted into a big competition that he was pretty supportive about (sweety you've gotten a lot better... I still hate pole, but you are really good etc etc... you should do it etc.) I really don't think he ever realized 1. how much I wanted to pursue it at first and 2. how much his attitude made me conflicted and dissonant and just low. So ... sorry again for the long answer, but it felt kind of good to get to say it :)
KristaCNH · 6/22/2015
Regarding why they are like this... certainly it must depend on the guy, but for mine I suspect it's a combination of him not seeing the artistic value of pole and having a perception of the culture as... maybe silly or something. I think he doesn't envision himself with a girl who would 'waste her time' doing something ... 'silly' like pole dance etc. That's just my guess. I think they should all be forced to take a class ... :)
AllysonKendal · 6/22/2015
Ok, here is this disclaimer: I'm sick and everything looks a little snotty and foggy to me this morning (talk about TMI :P) so if I missed something you already answered I'm sorry, I kind of skimmed the beginning stuff. Because the way you're describing doesn't sound like he is annoyed because he thinks its dirty or "what will other people think"... it seems maybe he thinks you spend to much time with it? And maybe not enough with him? Do you do anything else? I know thats like a silly way of saying it, but like do you have a job? or a something else you do, besides pole? (because jobs aren't everything!) Sounds like you're a handy person, staining a deck and all... Why I'm asking is... there are only a few times my husband seemed annoyed by my poling... and usually it's when I'm not working a lot, spending too much money poling, and neglecting some duties because "sorry, I need to go to pole class". Then more of the burden of life falls on him. This could absolutely make a man resent pole, in fact if it was anything he'd start to get annoyed! The times when I'm working more and helping out more around the house, and I say "honey I want to buy this super cool and expensive __(fill in the blank)__" He seems to be much more supportive. And just so I don't make my husband out to be such a meanie... He did basically let me take over the spare bedroom while he works out in the detached garage with no AC or heat and one tiny light. :) And you know what? When he says to me he has to work out instead of helping me with something or even just watching a show with me, I get kind of pissy about it. :P
samjane · 6/22/2015
Hi KristaCNH! Thank you so much for your reply!! As AllysonKendal mentioned he doesn't sound like he is annoyed, probably he thinks you spend too much time with it and not enough with him? I mean pole dancing requires 100% devotion every singe day and maybe he would like to spend your time every day with him doing other things you both love (going for dinner, movies etc)? The weird thing is your bf says "i hate pole" but without giving any further explanations. My ex clearly told me " I hate pole dance because i think it is provocative". My current bf told me exactly the same thing. Which is frustrating.. However, i suspect/believe that in both cases the reason is our different ethnicity and therefore culture (and if that is the case it would be difficult to change his mind). Are you guys experiencing something similar (regarding the cultural/ethnicity differences etc)? Many thanks!
Phoenix Hunter · 6/22/2015
My significant other is uninterested by pole and gets pissy about the time and money I spend on it. He doesnt say anything, he just acts passive aggressive. However, he puts 100% of his time into theatre, acting, and voice-over work. I dont see the difference with me investing so much in pole. Its annoying and I care a little less each time he acts pouty because I am doing a performance somewhere, or a class. It's childish and I dont have the patience nor time for his bull-shit. he's not very supportive of what I do. never says good job, or anything like that. but then again, he never said those things when i was doing theatre either. I chalk it up to jealousy. It used to hurt my feelings but now I just dont give a shit anymore. I love him but he can leave if he doesnt like it. Especially if he is gonna be passive aggressive and not even talk about it in an adult way. I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this.

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