self esteem with pole and husband?

GlitterSteph started this discussion · 9/20/2014

So I really got hard core into pole dance while my husband was deployed. It saved my sanity and im obsessed. Have 2 of my own poles now :) I started because I knew it would help my self esteem with for some reason crashed over the last year. Anywho it brought back the "old me".... then my husband came home and I had to move away from an area with lessons in a studio. I am so self conscious around my husband and I cant figure oit why. He watched me once and I am not super flowy or sexy when I pole... just a sweaty mess. Afterwards he said "iit was great seeing what you actually do and how hard it is" I was like "yeah... I know... its not sexy like people think". I later told him it made me nervous when he watched me so he hasnt watched me again unless I ask for a spotter. The real reason I write this is I was talking to some friends and they asked how my husband was happy about my pole... I told them I dont do anything for him because its not sexy lol. They all just gave me alot of crap for it and I felt awful afterwards. Does anyone else have issues showing their significant other anything? I guess I thought id feel sexy with him as well but I dont.. im not sure if its just my self esteem issues again or what? I love pole so much and wish I didnt get scared showing my husband. He is the love of my life and should be able to share in my passions right? Thanks for reading!

15 replies

scarlet snow · 9/20/2014
It took me a while to develop my flow and become more fluid, and it wasn't until I became comfortable with my fluidity that I became comfortable dancing for my other half. Be patient with yourself. I trolled YouTube for floor dance and lap/strip tease videos for ideas.
GlitterSteph · 9/20/2014
Thanks. I actually took 2 lap dance and 2 strip tease classes but haven't done that either lol. My husband is much smaller then I am and I have never sat on his lap because it worries me lol. Hopefully I can just go for it one day and see what happens lol
Rachel Osborne · 9/20/2014
Could it be that your friends have the rather stereotyped and inaccurate view that pole dancing is just to please men and consists of stripper bumping and grinding, and don't realise that it's a gymnastic and exhausting fitness discipline/aerial art form/strengthening challenge etc etc? If they think it's just sexy strutting they might not understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable sharing? My husband is v supportive and impressed by my pole stuff (good job as I am obsessed and train a lot!) but doesn't find it sexy. Veena's Lap lessons were a big hit but no pole was used - just me slinking about in nice undies lol!
Rachel Osborne · 9/20/2014
P.s: I get the same reaction off friends 'ooh bet your husband loves it!' Especially as pole is in bedroom (along with bar bells, weight bench, basically our bedroom is like a fitness studio with a bed in it, not a boudoir. Although I do have nice disco lights now). For him, watching me pole is like watching me do ballet barre warm up or Pilates crunches or weights or chin ups: quite cool but not, you know, the stuff of a hot evening in. I recommend low lights, nice knickers, sexy tune, bad ass heels and some rolling about showing off your ass whilst making hot eye contact and him sitting in a chair with a drink, not allowed to touch til you say so. That covers most husband's definition of a good night indoors with the wife.
GlitterSteph · 9/20/2014
Thanks for those messages!! Yes I think most people even when they see my videos don't think of it as fotness. I think my husband even thought it would be more sexy but oh well lol. Thanks again! I have felt in a rut too learning on my own. I don't progress like I did in a class but I'm glad for this site at least I have something... lol. Thanks again for the comments!
Phoenix Hunter · 9/20/2014
my pole is in my bedroom. I have never danced for my boyfriend and I probably never will. I just have no desire to do that. theres nothing wrong with dancing for your significant other. people cant understand that it is possible to pole dance without doing it for a man. I actually do very little dancing and mostly like doing tricks because it pleases me. the only time I really dance is when I am doing a showcase or for my "make it rain" classes on Friday night. I like for my boyfriend to see me perform routines in my showcases. that's how I share my dancing with him, but it's definitely not for him. If you don't have the desire to dance for your man don't feel bad about it. maybe that's not the reason you pole dance. there's nothing wrong with that. if you Want to dance for him, then that's different. you just need to get comfortable with yourself first before you can share it with him. but that again, is something I know very little about.
GlitterSteph · 9/20/2014
My pole is also in my bedroom lol. But yes, I do more "tricks" even though im still very limited. I have never been good at dancing. I don't have any flow or rhthm in me. I think that's why I don't like to do it as well. I have taken all kinds of dance classes and nothing fit or gave me any skills. This is the 1st time I felt like it was for me and that's probably because I am more gymnastics oriented :) I wanted my husband to see me do a showcase but didn't get a chance before I left my studio. We move to Hawaii next year and there will be a studio there I can go too. So hopefully I will be able to finally make a routine and be in a showcase. That's my goal :)
Rachel Osborne · 9/20/2014
You know, pretty much every person I know who pushes her or himself to master pole does it for themselves alone. They might start off saying they'd like to please their significant other (or men generally( but the ones who love it, who stick with it, who make an effort with it and do it in their spare time do it because it pleases them, as Phoenix says. You're not alone. You're not weird. You're a poler! :)
Anonyma · 9/21/2014
i used to dance , the last thing i want to do is dancing for a men jeez lol
grayeyes · 9/21/2014
You're definitely not alone MarineBarbie. I pretty much feel the same. I have only done one live dance/strip tease for my husband and it took all of my courage. I do occasionally make videos and send them to him--I'm more comfortable with that. I know that's not the same but it's what works for me. At first I only sent videos or pictures to him and he said he would like to see something in person so I did my one dance. I'm sure I will do more when I'm ready. I'm not the sexiest dancer either. I try but I'm probably more of a trick/gymnastics person too. I'm working on the sexier side and I do love my heels. Heels are a great confidence builder. I think my husband does find the pole dancing sexy but he also recently made a comment that he thinks it's more about empowering me, which he said is good, but I was a bit taken aback by that. Made me wonder if he's politely watching because he knows it's good for my self esteem rather than watching because he thinks it's hot. Regardless, poling is for me. I would be doing it whether I was married or not and whether he was interested or not. I certainly wouldn't dance for him if I didn't want to--it's something I want to do but I can imagine some women wouldn't want to and I think that's fine too.
GlitterSteph · 9/21/2014
Thanks :) I am a larger body then most pole danvers and thats what makes me more nervous when people watch. My husband said its whats so impressive for him to see if that I have to lift so much more then some girls and struggle alot more but I push myself anyways because I dream of being as good as the girls I follow :) I love heels thats why I started pole! Id get kicked out of a gym if I walked in with heels to work out lol. You ladies helped me alot! Thank you!
SpeedyG · 9/21/2014
Great to hear about this topic. I did not dance for the hubby and also felt nervous around him, but when my sister was visiting me last year, she helped me to do a sexy photo shoot with a cute lacy bra/undies and clear heels, and he love it!!! But just yesterday ,while I was posting a video here, he saw it and was fascinated of how "good" I was doing a free-style,and then he watched a bunch more that I have. And he is looking forward to see more!!! lol
grayeyes · 9/21/2014
Awwww, SpeedyG, that's great! I forgot to mention that my pole is in the bedroom too just because it was the best place with the highest ceiling so I get the occasional comment about it from friends--mostly from a friend relaying what their husband said along the lines of, 'that's the way to spice up a marriage." Whatever. Most of my girlfriends and coworkers have seen videos of me doing tricks or seen it in person so they haven't really made those kinds of comments. To MarineBarbie, please don't let your friends make you feel bad about not dancing for your husband. I would be very surprised if most of the people saying those things would have the guts to really do what they're suggesting you do. Some, yes, but most I'm guessing no. When folks say this kind of stuff I like to just smile and let them guess what goes on at my house--none of their business. :-)
tiggertail · 9/21/2014
I'm just the same, been with bf for 2 years now and the only time he saw the sexy me on the pole was when watching my video. I've been planning to give him a little show for a while but I don't know it's just not the same thing when he watch me so i end up doing pole fitness more than sexy pole dance. I had try it with my ex and strangely as supportive as he seem at first he didn't even want wanted to watch me dance when i offer him...don't think i'm that bad. Anyway it gave me a little of a cold shower.
Veena · 9/21/2014
I've danced (sexy) in front of a crowd with no problem....however, when I dance for my man, there's always a bit of hesitation! I think it's because when you do anything whether is cooking a meal or dancing, for the one you love you want it to be just right! Honestly though, most guys doing wait for us to do crazy pole tricks, they want smooth, sensual and confident movement.