Danniacc47 started this discussion ·
Pole back up. My mom made me take it down 'cause we were gonna have visitors and "What are they going to say? If they saw a pole in the middle of the living-room" 😒 Pretty much everyone who knows me knows I pole dance and they don't mind, and if they did so what? I like my pole and it's back in its place yei 😃 But you guys, how do you deal with "pole shame"?
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Freddie ·
Oh Lord. I've been wondering this myself. My approach as a beginner has been complete transparency. I knew that if I was trying to hide it, I probably wouldn't stick with it. I have shared my dances on Facebook. My FB friends seemed very supportive the first time, but they were silent after that. Plus, there is a whole other layer when you have a child who loves to play on it. My husband shared a video on FB of our son spinning with a huge smile on his face. Some dummy friend of his made a stripper joke about it. Peoples reactions to my pole generally make me feel misunderstood, but I am determined not to hide and feel ashamed. I have no advice, but this is my experience.
I don't really have to deal with "shame" though I don't talk about it with everyone... I'm a pretty open person, but some parts of my life I like to keep to myself. It's like a special thing thats all mine and I don't have to explain it to anyone. I feel like some people wouldn't get it and then they would say something dumb and it would make me like them less... I honestly havent told my parents. My mom is big into pilates and I don't think they would care... it's just I don't feel like talking about it with them. I'm selfish. :) I do kind of wish I said something right off the bat and got it over with, now I feel like its gone on too long to bring up. :P Surprisingly the #1 reaction when I do tell people is "Pole fitness? That looks so hard!" Though "what are they going to say?" may not be the best reasoning, I don't really disagree with your mom wanting you to take it down for guests... I'd make my husband put his weight bench away if it was in our living room and guests were coming over... It doesn't really go with the atmosphere you may be going for... I mean a pole room is one thing (then it shouldn't have to come down) But if it's in the middle of a room you're entertaining in I can see her wanting it down. Cause its not hers and it's in the space she wants to entertain in. Again, my husband would probably think a weight bench would be extra seating, and I'd say "it needs to go"! Luckily my husbands work out stuff is in the garage. Whew, fight avoided! I also don't love having it up in my pole room (guest bedroom) when I have guests staying in there, I feel like they will bang it with their rings or mess something up. I hate to have to be miss bossy stickler pants and be all "don't touch that" blah blah blah. People don't understand that its a serious piece of exercise equipment and really expensive, not a toy.
I have seen the issue come up time and again since Pole got more into the mainstream fitness industry. "Someone thinks pole dancing is shameful!" Whether it be a city who has to decide whether to "allow" a pole studio to set up shop, to certain people's brothers making lewd and unkind comments, all the way to "How does your husband let you do that?" and even being shunned by one's friend group, or family, because of a hobby. I've even heard from a UK university that "women are being tricked into thinking that pole dancing is empowering, when it's really not." All somewhat insulting, all frustrating, and all things I could get rant-y and political about (accepting women as actual business people, proper boundaries between family and friends about certain comments, assuming someone is "owned" by their husband, and all-around trying to keep women down, and desperately trying to keep them away from taking up space, being sexual, and being empowered), I'll try to refrain. In reality, we have to accept something: Pole dancing, in the western society, is strongly linked to stripping. This is where we first learned of dancing upon a pole, this is what we associate naturally with pole dancing, unless we've been conditioned not to for a very long time. Even I, who does not go to strip clubs and only has connection to poles through fitness, still think of it as "a stripping thing." And, we continue to enjoy the sexual nature of it. In many ways, increasing your "flow" and getting in touch with your sexy side is taking advantage of that western-world history of strip tease and womanly power on stage. In my opinion, this is nothing bad. We're using this sexual energy, this internal energy, in a way that empowers us, that encourages us to "take up space" and be ourselves, to live and breathe something that all people know to be powerful, engaging and brilliant. Otherwise, in the real world, "dealing with it" is something very personal, and depends on you, and your relationship to the person who is doing the shaming- be it overt or covert. Your mom made a comment about taking the pole down because of company coming over, so, there are some questions to ask yourself: How comfortable are you being upfront about the issue, without being insulting, attacking, or confrontational? How aware do you feel your mom is, in order to conduct such a conversation in a way that will not result in either of you coming away feeling unhappy, insulted, or attacked? How much energy are you willing to invest into the conversation (as in, is it worth having, considering the expended emotional and mental energy)? I will say this: The issue could have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. Many people these days worry about what other people think. She could be thinking more about the judgements they place upon HER about how she's raising you, and whether she is encouraging you toward values that are against the values that she, and these guests, hold dear. And, it might be entirely as AllysonKendal said: It may just be a little bit in the way, or distracting to some guests.
Yeah, just to elaborate... Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder when it comes to pole. Like I do love my pole and sure it could proudly be in any room... But if it's not yours and you don't love it, you'd want it away for guests. Just like you may not mind your dog bed in the middle of your living room (I say "you" but I mean ME) on a day to day basis... But when company comes over you throw it behind the couch... Or like you let your kid leave his Legos out because they are beautiful works of art... Until you have company.... It's not that you want to hide that he plays with Legos, you just want your house to look a certain way. Not that that's your moms thoughts, I don't really know. I just know I tolerate and display my own possessions that I love much more than I would my husbands, Childs or dogs. Whoops! I'm a meanie! I think Polefitmom has the best system that merges the 2 feelings. Her pole folds and clips to the ceiling. Then it's out of the way but not really like "hide the pole, company is coming!"
yes this is a funny one... all my friends know i pole dance, and i put videos on a closed group on fb with my pole mates, but i would feel a bit funny uploading them to my regular fb or showing them to my male friends, i almost feel like id be being a bit too sexy right in their faces haha!! like: here, look at my bum! and this sexy wiggle haha ! in amongst all the cool impressive moves i would like to show off. whereas all my circus clips went straight on fb....i think its cos i was fully dressed at circus but in pole im basically sashaying round in my pants.. =P which i love, dont get me wrong -but it seems to make it a little more x-rated viewing haa! my parents are cool with it (got my dad doing some street poling recently hehe) but ive never danced in front of them or showed them any videos...again i think its the pants thing!! funny story, i wasnt sure how they would react so id didnt tell them straight away when i had my first class, just said i had a dance class. my mum asked what kind and my sister blurted out 'NAUGHTY dancing!' so i said yes haha its pole. later that day my dad was driving me home and he asked me where it was i did my lap-dancing!!?! i had to correct him that there were no laps, just a pole =P so much for worrying about his reaction hah!!
I just dont have any shame about it and there is nothing anyone can say that will make me feel bad about it. to me it is just as normal as aerobics and I treat it as such and others seem to not care either. they are usually interested and want to know more. some people will say rude jokes, I let them make jokes and sometimes I laugh with them because I am pretty damn sure about myself and what I do. And if something someone says doesnt apply to me then I just let it go. I just dont care.
I am completely open about pole, my Facebook and instagram are full of pictures of me poling. I don't hide my pictures or my videos from my male friends because I don't think they are particularly sexual. My style is more fitness than sexy. Don't get me wrong, I love sexy dancing, but it's just not very ME, if you know what I mean. Most of my friends are really supportive and no one has ever made an uncomfortable comment about it. Actually I teach pole to a couple of my male friends whenever they come over, it's really fun because it is harder than they think lol. Anyway, my mom is not very supportive of my hobby, my dad is, also my sister and my brother-in-law. When they are around I ask them to spot me and they like to help me. With my mom is a whole different story. When I first told her I wanted to pole to achieve some of the moves I saw on youtube she told me that surely those girls had been training their whole lives and that I would never be that good. I didn't listen to her and I started training, a couple of months later I bought my pole and she told me that I was nuts, that why on earth had I bought a pole? I told her that she had just bought a treadmill that she never uses, my pole is like my treadmill and I do use it, almost every single day. She doesn't say anything about it anymore, good or bad (apart from the "Take it down" stuff). I mean I get the "clear up the space, we are having visitors and we need the room" but she told me "Take down your pole, what are the visitors going to think if they see it in the living room?" The funniest part is that everyone who came knows I pole and they have all seen the pictures of me training in the living room, so everybody asked where was my pole and why wasn't it in it's usual place. Some were actually admiring my badass arms and asking to see some pictures. I am confident with myself and with my sport, I don't care what people might think, I've even told my boss about it and he's cool. He still thinks he's tougher than me because he trains for a triathlon but he doesn't care at all if I pole or not. I think I just feel sad because my mom is ashamed of one of the things I love the most and it is something I'm actually good at (well just not terrible). I'm really proud of my pole accomplishments and it would be nice if she was too.
Freddie that sounds awful. Nobody has made any uncomfortable comments to me but it must be frustrating. I don't have children but my sister is pregnant and I already told her than when my nice/nephew becomes old enough I'm going to play with him/her on the pole and she is fine with that. My brother-in-law even said that it was obvious that his kids would have to learn pole like their aunt to make them strong and fit hahaha. I've seen many children playing around poles and I think it's adorable, for them the pole is like a swing or something. I'm really looking forward to be a fun pole auntie :D
Well that's another story. Moms are rough. For a while when I was younger I was hard on my mom for being the way she is... But as an adult I saw really how mean my grandmother was to her at times... And I think about how my mom is worlds better, and is really doing the best she can. And honestly she is great she just isn't like a warm person, but it makes so much more sense to me now. A weird side story: I know someone who adopted 3 dogs (not all at once)... Meanwhile this woman is married and her and her husband are well off... Well her mom is so unsupportive of her adopting the dogs it's almost comical or it would be if it wasn't true. Last I heard the mom thought she was throwing her future away and not focusing on her career enough because of the dogs. Bottom line: moms are just hard sometimes. :/ sorry.
I am completely open about me poling, and I post short clips on my regular fb, BUT not the overtly sensual stuff )ie, booty stuff, heels, sexy pole. That is reserved for my pole friends who 'get it' completely. :) I don't care what anyone thinks about what I do. Pole is MY thing and I don't care if anyone buys in, nothing will diminish my love of it. :D PS- I would LOVE it if my pole folding up and clipped to the ceiling!
Here is Polefitmom's video... Not sure exactly what's going on but it rocks! http://instagram.com/p/ubMgLMusvM/
YES. I so want one of whatever polefitmom is using!!
If people try to pull out the pole shame I typically pull up videos of people doing insane tricks and such on the pole and it usually changes the tone pretty quickly
Well Allyson you're absolutely right. My mom is waaaaaaay better than her mom. My grandmother would never accept me in a million years, she would probably hate me, not only because of the pole but pretty much half of the things I do go against what she believed was right. She used to throw away my moms books because they may say something about sex and sex was immoral even in literature. She thought women were not supposed to do things without a man and stuff like that. She didn't believe in independent women who express themselves. She died before I was born but I know from what my mom has told me that she had a hard time dealing with her own mother. My mom is MUCH better than her mom but I guess the way she was raised is still imprinted in her. We'll have to work things out I guess, to a point where neither of us is too uncomfortable. Whatever happens I still love my mom with all my heart.
Oh MaeC that must be very frustrating. I think sexy dancing is great, it is not very me but I would definitely like to try it to connect with my more feminine side just like you said. I've been thinking about buying a pair of heels but I haven't. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I feel your pain.
Pole shame has and is an issue for me. I couldn't believe myself that people would be so narrow-minded. I've stopped telling this to people, because the chance is high to be misunderstood and after a while trying to explain that it is different from sleazy club pole dance and it is mainly for fitness, I just gave up, seems better not to disclose everything. I'm a professional with a demanding position and I cannot simply undermine my credibility. Although, I so much hate to hide a part of me and something that i passionately like to do. Also, as i started it fairly late, then it hurts when something you take seriously is ridiculed and not taken as a midlife crisis whim (which i dont have). I had issues with my husband too, he didn't get why yoga and dancing is not enough anymore and why pole. Until he talked to a colleague and she said that it is the hardest fitness programme ever :-) and then he started to be proud of me instead of being in shame and I got my pole... (that we call at home a fitness bar ... that my young daughter wouldn't unintentionally spread the word and be bullied for having a pole and pole dancing mom at home) :-(
I meant: ... and taken as a midlife crisis whim
yes thats it i love it all - the sexy dancing, connecting to my body/ body rolls n flow/ floorwork, and also i am mad about tricks and the acrobatics, but yeah i think there is still a self-consciousness 'wall' for me with being so nekkid haha - im totally happy with it when im on my own or class or whatever and can totally embrace being in my own skin, but then get a bit shy in front of non-polers =P whereas i was happy to show EVERYONE all my hoop and trapeze and silk clips cos theres less ass haha. (Yet, i love rolling around in my tiny shorts and feeling hot, and i want to perform when i am good enough, so that means i will be up there in pants for the world to see!) So stupid isn't it!!!??? i do love the provocative side of pole, and i feel like a muppet saying this haha its really hard to put into words how i can sometimes be a little embarrassed showing off something which i LOVE doing and am fiercely proud of... O.o but this is just a personal me thing - i wont take any kind of pole slander or pole shaming from anybody else haha this is totally self-imposed.... hhmm!!! funny feelings coming out here trying to express this! off to find that TED talk haha..... =P
I'm in college right now and I fear the way future employers or schools might see me if I attach my name to pole. If certain people close to me found out I could see them saying things like, 'you work too hard in school to ruin it by doing something classless' or 'if you ever get into management no one will take you seriously.' Surprisingly, from older people I get things like, 'wow, that takes a lot of hard work and dedication.' From people my age I get things like, 'you must be an attention whore' (farthest from the truth, I'm a wallflower and give people no indication that I pole dance in Facebook or out in public), 'wow, your boyfriend must love you for you to do all that for him' (not for any man), my favorite response was, 'you're still fat so you need to go to a gym too because that's not working you enough.' The general population does not take pole dancing seriously which is unfortunate. While everyone shames me I've lost 17 lbs in a year and a half and boy do I eat, I eat more than before pole. My pants are falling off. I don't hate myself anymore. When I wear spaghetti straps or tube tops I don't focus on the fat in my arms or shoulders. I'm actually proud to look at my arms, back, and shoulders. My pancake butt that people used to make fun of gets complimented a lot now. I used to have shoulder pain from an injury that went away and now I have no pain and my full range of motion is back. I used to have hip pain and had to see a chiropractor (tilted pelvis he said from muscle imbalances pulling my hips in bad directions) for that and sometimes I would just lay in bed from pain cuz walking and standing hurt. I haven't had pain in a year from strengthening and stretching. While people shame me I'll just sit here with my newfound love and apprecriation for myself and my body.
@Tamarinda If the people around you really have said all those things, you really need to start surrounding yourself with a different group of people!
Freddie ·
I am reminded of this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that I've always liked. Do what you feel in your heart to be right - for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned of you don't.
Tamarinda I have cousins around your age who are also in college and it's shocking how mean they can be. I'll tell you what I tell them: girls are awful and growing up i never got along with most of them, but women are awesome. That's why the older folks are more likely to say wow that takes dedication etc. Girls might not know what to do with that information or be jealous or threatened so they say mean things. To be fair I'm not putting an age on girls vs women I know 22 year old women as well as 50 year old girls. It sounds like you are doing what you should though and maintaining who you are. Once you get out of college it will be easier to get away from close minded people and gravitates towards those who are more positive and like minded. Seems like the opposite should be true but nowadays esp with things like Facebook these little cliques form and good god they are so mean to each other I don't get it. Keep doing you lady. And as far as the name goes, I have a "stage name" I go by for all things pole just in case it does ever come up as an issue for work purposes. Even though I'm very open about what I do in my day to day life having a pseudonym just makes me feel safeguarded against things I literally cannot know about yet
Thank you for your words. :) I've gotten a lot of dead weight away from me. I can't ALWAYS control who I am around but I can control how close I let others be to me. I read a meme somewhere that said something like, "girls compete with each other, women empower each other." The pole community here is amazing and is nothing like the 'real world'. People here try to empower each other and build each other up rather than break each other down. Thank you Veena for creating such a safe space where nobody here ever has to worry about getting attacked or criticized just for enjoying a passion. That is such a hard thing to do in this day and time...
grayeyes ·
I was a little embarrassed to tell people when I first started, but I think I was afraid that they were thinking, "does this middle aged woman really think she's sexy enough to pole dance?" I was more into the acrobatic side at the time but very shortly into it, maybe several months, I was thinking, "hell yes I'm sexy enough to pole dance, and I don't give a crap what anybody thinks about it." I blushed one time when I told an older male physician I worked with, but I recovered quickly and shortly thereafter showed him a picture or two of what I could do. Not long after that he would ask me about it most of the time when he saw me, and not in a sleazy way. Now I don't blush one bit. I know it's awesome and if people are too dim to get it, that's their loss. And, frankly, at my age (45) if someone is silly enough to think I'm a stripper they haven't been to a strip club in a while. I've told all kinds of people from coworkers, male and female, to my hairdresser to patients (I'm a nurse). I also wear clothing with pole dance stuff on it all the time and to just about anyplace, including out to dinner with my 70-something-year-old parents. Another person's embarrassment, shame or sleazy response reveals far more about them than it does about you. :-)
RoMo ·
Wow. I really enjoyed reading how strong some of you guys are. :) I got into pole a few months ago and got a pole short after I started. Hubby has no problem with it in our house (he is much more bothered by my cat). His friends enjoy doing "feats of strength" on it and our friends with kids have no bones about their kids playing on the pole and are often quite encouraging (as long as I have laid out crash mats!). My parents know I dance and they are very supportive and I know how lucky for that. Honestly, as we don't try to hide the pole, I've actually had some friends and neighbors who didn't notice it until I specifically spelled it out to them that, yes, it's a pole. :) At work I manage a team of software developers. My friends at the office know I dance, as does my boss, the VP. I have never been given any problems and I know that my coworkers know that it's a hard sport. Like I mentioned, I started just a few months ago, so I haven't posted any pictures or videos yet. Also, I'm still not comfortable with my size and in pole clothing. In general I don't post much on FB, but I do hope to soon have the confidence to start posting here. (I actually taped myself the other day and was pleasantly surprised!)
