Pole Dancing...And Depression.

Shadow22 started this discussion · 3/21/2015

So it's been a very long time since I was last on here, needless to say life has been a bit hectic. However, I am turning to all of you lovely people not as a poler looking for help with a move, but as a weak, desperate human being who just wants someone to talk to. Pole dancing has improved me physically, but I'm wondering what wonders can it so psychologically... I am 22 years old and I have been diagnosed with Depression, I'm currently on prescribed Anti-Depressants to help with the daily battle of just getting out of bed in the morning. Outwardly, people would think that I have nothing to be depressed about, I'm healthy (sorta), I have a full time job, I have friends and family and a boyfriend that I love...But it feels like something is missing...Like...I can't explain it. I feel very unhappy in myself and just the life Im living. I live in a bit of a tough area, where being "Depressed" is a taboo subject and if you need to be medicated just get you through the day then ultimately, you're a freak. But if there's one thing I've learnt, it's that it is a very complex illness, therefore I'm not ashamed. My family and boyfriend know, but all I get is the usual "you're just tired, you're just working too much, this and that..." And I know it isn't. I know feeling like this at my age isn't normal. It's scaring me to death. I'm turning to you lovely people on this forum because I'm thinking maybe and perhaps, someone in the world out there just understands how I'm feeling. And any, ANY sort of advice would be deeply appreciated. The one Im always hearing is "Be kind to yourself," ... I just don't know how. Thank you :( Shadow X

31 replies

Stefana of Light · 3/21/2015
Hello:) I think many people go their whole life with that feeling that something is missing. I also have fought with depression and was on meds for a short period when I was coming clean from drugs about 9 years ago. First thing the docs did was prescribe me anti depressants and mood stabilizer. Quick fix to a problem that began at childhood. That didn't last long, the meds made me a walking emotionless zombie... Which is the point I guess. But that wasn't right for me and have not been on anything since. Sunshine, laughter and staying present. That's been my most helpful took in being happy is learning how to be mindful. Mindfulness is a way of being present every moment so thoughts from the past and future don't control us. The ego wants us to believe We are bad ... And the mind sometimes needs to be retaught how to be a pleasant place that has warmth and love not a place of constant running thoughts. Yoga is taking me deeper into my realm of self love and the power of breath connection. I hope you find peace and remember you are worthy of everything you need in your world!! Intention is everything:)
Runemist34 · 3/21/2015
Hey there! I am so sorry to hear that you're struggling with this problem. I, also, have had a long history with depression. My mum says that I reached depression around the age of 8, and I know that I didn't get out of it till I was around 22, so... that's a really long time. And, a long time that I refused drugs, refused anything that didn't currently exist in my body, and that I never exercised. Counselling was a lot of misses, for me, till I found one big hit... one wonderful woman who told me practically the opposite of everything I'd been taught, and that society teaches you. The two most major things that helped me with depression were these: First, you are allowed to be depressed. No, you may not "have anything to be depressed about," but that doesn't have anything to do with what you're feeling. People's judgements about your feelings aren't relevant, because they aren't going to change how you feel. Taking this slightly further, you aren't going to be damaged by feeling depressed! Yes, it hurts (and boy do I know how much it hurts), and yes, it can prevent you from feeling like getting out of bed, or participating in your day... but it won't cause you harm that you cannot fix. So, you are allowed to be depressed- you are even allowed to, as my counsellor said, "Have it over for tea." Invite it in, let it have it's time in your body, and then once it's stayed long enough, you can gently have it leave. This first step was revolutionary for me. I struggled and fought for years and years, but it was only this that helped. Feeling depressed is horrible, and I'm not meaning to diminish your experience of it- quite the contrary. You are allowed to feel a feeling, regardless as to whether it has a "place of origin," and you are allowed to expand with that feeling, so that you can encompass life as well as depression. It takes practice. I worked at it for a long time, but the practice of it is more rewarding than I can currently express. Second, and this may just be something that helped ME (but I'll tell you just in case it does help you), I started writing down all the things that made me happiER that happened in the day. Not happy, because that wasn't possible for me at the time. Just slightly happier than I was before the thing happened... even if that "happier" is more like "somewhat less depressed." Everything from discovering a can of rootbeer in the back of the fridge, to sweet gestures from my family or boyfriend, to the flowers blooming on the side of the road. ANYTHING. I started with like, three... and eventually made it up to ten a day. By that time depression had become a kind of "habit," a way of thinking that I didn't know how to get rid of. This is how I got rid of it. Exercise has been absolutely vital to my mental health, and I suffer without it. Most people find that exercise can truly make the difference, and even if you don't really feel up to a proper workout, even something small can help. One of the more recent things I've also been exploring is meditation. I have a fairly pervasive anxiety disorder (which I covered with my depression, until the depression became a problem unto itself), and spending fifteen minutes before I go to sleep, but while I'm in bed, has been really helpful. Not only does it help me go to sleep, but it also teaches me to relax, to allow myself to detach from the thoughts that aren't helpful to me (and even evaluate if some thoughts are helpful or not), and just... spend some time, breathing, quiet, awake but relaxed. Please feel free to talk to me if you feel you need help. I don't want to just throw everything I could suggest at you... it would be overwhelming to both of us! I am one of the few people who believe that these ailments aren't part of our being... they're curable, they're not permanent. So... keep fighting. You can do it :)
ambience24z9338 · 3/21/2015
Hello.. I think everyone in life reaches a point of depression in life. Everyone handles things differently. You can always turn it around but sometimes you don't understand why it's there or how to turn it around. Exhaustion was one point for me. I was emotionally lonely, living away from close relatives, and working too much. It was not not noticed until I went to the doctor for body pain and insomnia. Wellbutrin helped me sleep and make it through a day without pain but it was still there. I had to find what was missing in my own personal most private part of me. That was simple once I figured it out. Lol I figured out 2 things was missing. I wasn't tapping into my spiritual me like I used to do and I forgot what made me the person who I was. The fun loving creative positive, get your dance on, workout 3 times a week, weave loving diva that I used to be. Lol. I know it sounds crazy but I realized that I had stopped doing so many things that I used to do. My bath bubble bath with aromatherapy and slow jams mix and other stuff had completely forgotten me. Lol once I got back to finding myself. Things totally changed. I found myself at a strip club by accident one night going to a friends bday thing for a drink and that's when I discovered pole. Lol Now when I feel like something is not right or when start missing home, I get on the pole. :) Just like I did last night. So you're not alone. Runemist always keeps me on track and everyone here is very supportive in all areas.
poleisnewtome · 3/21/2015
It is true that everyone reaches a point when they are depressed about circumstances in life, but this is very different than being diagnosed with depression as a mental illness. Depression, as a mental illness, doesn't need a "reason." It is a physical illness, just like a heart problem is a physical illness. It is a shame that there is still a stigma around this very real and debilitating condition. I think that different approaches work for different people for easing the pain. Exercise, medication, therapy, one or more or a combination of the three help greatly. Also, accepting that you have this condition and that your suffering is an actual illness, helps too.
poleisnewtome · 3/21/2015
I hit save before I was done writing. Anyway, please try medication. You might have to try a few different ones and give them a chance to work before you see a change. I know that a lot of people don't want to go the medication route, but please, please try it. Finding the right medication (along with maintaining physical activity, whether pole, or anything else, and therapy) can work wonders. Needing medication to help you through the day does not mean you're a freak and does not mean you're a failure. It is sad that in 2015 people still think this. If you needed medication for a heart condition, would they think the same thing? Probably not. Why should an illness having to do with your brain be any different? The bottom line is, getting help for yourself and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself is no one's business but your own.
Casi · 3/21/2015
(I got called away while writing my response, so some of this repeats what poleisnewtome has since written, but hey, she's right!) Hi Shadow. Thanks for sharing with us. Telling people how you feel can be so hard to do when you are depressed and that's great that you had the courage to open up and look for understanding. I've been where you are, more than once. As you say, it's scary, knowing your feelings don't make sense but being unable to control them. Of course you don't have anything to be depressed about! If you did, it wouldn't be depression, it would just be grief or despair or another emotion that was a reaction to difficult things you were dealing with. What makes it clinical depression is that you are overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts beyond your control, that aren't justified by the things happening in your life. That's really scary and hard to deal with. It's not your fault and it's not something you can just choose to fix. Like every other part of the body, the brain is a physical system and can have differences in layout, wiring, and brain chemistry from those of other people. It's logical that brain problems can also require physical solutions like medication, and there shouldn't be any shame in that. (And who knows, some of the differences that make us prone to depression might also contribute to some other great gift or strength that we don't even realize is connected!) If meds work for you, then don't worry about having to take them for a while or indefinitely. Exercise can be a great complement, and even works just as well as meds for some people, since it has positive effects on brain chemistry and function. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help you change your negative self-talk and behavior patterns without the dwelling on the past aspect of psychotherapy. You'll have to try things out to find what works best for you, and don't worry if what was the answer for someone else isn't right in your case. It sounds like you are trying to get better, and that's makes me really hopeful for you. Just believing it's possible for things to improve is a big step. For now, know that you are not alone and not a freak. I wish you all the best. Even if you can't believe it, you really do deserve it.
catmoves2718 · 3/21/2015
I don't have any advice to offer that hasn't already been offered. I just wanted to say you're far from the only one who has dealt with depression. It has been something I've dealt with since I was a child. Hopefully for you it will be something you can put behind you. As others have said, don't feel like you have to justify the reason for your depression to anyone else, or even to yourself, just because your life isn't "that bad" doesn't change the pain you're feeling. Medication can help, and you should absolutely not be ashamed of taking it. Nor should it make you feel like a walking zombie as someone above said--if it does, tell your doctor so they can make changes or adjustments as necessary. Finally, as others have said, exercise can be a huge help.
Catsanctuary177663 · 3/21/2015
Shadow, it is vital that you seek the help of a good professional. Depression is a physical illness, no different than heart disease. I and every member of my family have it, two have killed themselves, two have tried and I almost died last year. No medication helped and after 20 years of suffering I had electroconvulsive therapy which saved my life. Feeling better I am delighted to get back into poling. You must not listen to those who tell you it's all in your head, you are weak or deficient in some way. Lies, all lies. These people,are they doctors?? No, then they are not qualified and need to silence their judgments and support the brave person you are. You are a woman of honor and dignity who deserves the best in life and that includes your health. Sometimes in order to heal we must make hard decisions about our relationships but it is our responsibility to tend to our mental health just as we dutifully go for mammograms and get our teeth cleaned. The stigma sucks but be brave and speak your truth.
ambience24z9338 · 3/21/2015
Yep... True.. Casi is right. I wasn't producing of the right hormone but everyone case is different. Taking the medication to help you get better is all that matters. When I started taking my meds it actually helps my body to kick back into producing the hormones that I needed like my serotonin levels. Please don't let it get to the point where its painful like I did. Body pain going through depression was the worst feeling besides child birth to me. Please try what ever they suggest for you to get you back healthy. For me I went through a few meds just to get that right one but its ok. As long as you are doing what you need to do to stay healthy. That all that matter. Its no such thing as being a freak. We are always here for you.
Runemist34 · 3/21/2015
I don't want to bring more difficulties to this discussion... but I must warn against the use of medication in a "long-term or indefinite" sense. Medication CAN be a great way to get you feeling motivated and back on your feet. Medication CAN help you feel happier, healthier, and somewhat normal. However, it CANNOT fix the underlying problem. I realize that very many people believe in medication, and very many people see depression as a nigh-permanent problem with the brain. I must respectfully disagree. All things psychological are biological. This is true. If you have depression, it is both a psychological and biological problem- in so many ways, our own thinking changes the state and nature of our brains. Our common hobbies change how our brains work. The way we look at the world changes how our brains function... and also, how our brains function can change the way we look at the world. All of this is true, but what is NOT true is that medication is infallible, or completely researched. Unfortunately, medical science is still unsure of how our brain chemicals act in a whole and complete way. We have not "mapped the brain" yet. Playing with our dopamine levels, our seretonin reuptake, our norepinephrine or endorphins, can have catastrophic effects... or, maybe they can have great effects. I'm not intending to scare you, or tell you to end your time on medication. Medication can be extremely helpful, and in many cases, it is successful in helping people feel better. But, playing with your brain chemicals is a very temporary and expensive solution to an issue you can permanently fix. You can carry that permanent fix over into other areas of life and continue to benefit from over and over again as you age. I think that finding a good professional counsellor is very important, but it can be difficult. You need someone who is willing to go on YOUR journey, rather than someone who is taking you on a journey they think you're on. Difficult, but... invaluable once you find it. And... yes, remember that you aren't alone in this struggle, you aren't doing anything wrong. The struggle may be yours, and yours alone... but there are very many of us who have been there, felt similarly, and who are all here to support you. And in the end, it is YOUR CHOICE to take advice, and drop advice. I know that not a single person here would be offended if you decided not to listen to them.
poleisnewtome · 3/21/2015
Runemist, I agree with you that medication may not fix the underlying problem (for everyone). However, I can tell you from personal experience that after being on medication a long time, going off it because I was feeling better and being off it for an extended time, the depression always comes back at some point and that results in having to start taking medication again. I want to stress that medication isn't going to make everything great and make one happy and carefree. However, it might make the difference between staying on the couch and getting off the couch. And sometimes just getting off the couch can make a world of a difference.
K Bang · 3/21/2015
Hey girl, Just wanted to say that there are tons of us out here struggling with mental health issues. It's not pretty, it's a long road, and good days come and go. I know it's hard some days to get even get out my bed, so here are the things that help me: a) Self care. Rest when I need rest, read when I need to read, relaxing music or incense when I need it, a shower to make me feel clean, fresh sheets. The little things that make you feel good. b) Making a list of pleasurable/relaxing activities that require no energy, little energy, and a lot of energy. (The book 'Dialectical Behavioral Therapy: A Handbook' helped me a lot with this). c) Yoga. d) Exercise. It took me YEARS to get to the point where I could make this a part of my fight against depression, and sometimes I still stay home when I should go, but please do something that you love. For me, it's pole and Muay Thai. Muay Thai is like kickboxing, and helps me work out aggression, anxiety and expend energy. If you can't be bothered to go anywhere, try putting on a nice playlist, and just sliding out of bed and sitting on your floor, and then stretching. Slow your breathing as you stretch, and hold them long enough to get comfortable, e) Eat well - wholesomely. It makes a difference. Even if you have to pay for it. Eat well. f) experience beauty - in nature, galleries, your boyfriend, music, books, wherever. Hope it helps. Keep reaching out xx.
Runemist34 · 3/21/2015
Poleisnewtome... that's sort of what I meant. The "underlying problem" of WHY you are depressed, of learning to pull yourself out of it, on your own, in your own way. Learning what is perpetuating it, learning how to combat it, and learning the lessons needed to grow from the experience. Changing the way you live your life, and learning how to take care of your needs... so that depression need not return. Like I said, there are people who truly believe in medication, and I understand. My method is not for everyone, and it is a very hard, and long road. As much as you may have conviction for your method, I have for my own. And, I think that's the point. We both feel very strongly about the methods we've chosen that have helped us... because they have helped us! And that's all we really want or need. :)
K Bang · 3/21/2015
Oh, and ps...after I ended up on a psych ward for 7 weeks, I'm on meds. I would prefer not to be and I don't intend to be on them forever, but sometimes you just have to make a decision. I refused meds for years and it did me no good. So many years wasted, lost to depression. Again, I hate meds, on principle... But despite therapy, good intentions, will power, attempts at positive thinking, a decent diet, exercise and a wonderful boyfriend .... I just needed help.
Casi · 3/21/2015
Hi Runemist. I don't think any of us are advocating indefinite medication as an optimal solution, or as one that should be common. I agree with you that major depression is not a permanent problem. But the underlying issues that make a person vulnerable to it can be. Most people may only need temporary medication, and that's to be encouraged. As you say, the longterm effects of these drugs are not well understood at this point. But, for people who have repeated episodes of major depression over their lifetime and have had to be on the medication repeatedly, doctors advise them to stay on them indefinitely, rather than playing with your brain chemistry by going off and and on them multiple times. For some people there is a very real risk of suicide, not to mention the years you can waste half-living while trying to prove you can function without any medication. We don't shame people with physical conditions, such as thyroid disease, when they need to take medication indefinitely, nor for that matter do we shame the schizophrenic for continuing their treatment when they stop having delusions. It's something that each person will have to judge for themselves, and there are online sites where you can find the experiences, both good and bad, of thousands of people who have been on different anti-depressants (at their doctor's recommendation) for 10, 20, 30, or more years. I suspect most of them would love to go off the medication if they felt they could. Yes, let's not encourage people to medicate longterm, but likewise, let's not shame them in advance if they do turn out to be among the minority who really need it.
Casi · 3/21/2015
And ditto what K bang just said in her post about meds. I could have written the same thing nearly word for word.
Runemist34 · 3/21/2015
Casi, as I have said- twice before this- I don't think that taking medication is a bad thing. I don't think it's shameful, and I don't think that it's a "bad option" or somehow that people should feel like they should avoid it if it's the only thing that has helped them. If I have sounded accusatory or shaming, then that was not in any way my intent, and will never be. I suppose I am simply trying to offer an alternate route to health and well-being.
Lucca Valentine · 3/21/2015
If you are struggling with depression, here is a really excellent web comic that you may be able to relate to/might make you feel less crazy/like other people get it/are going through it/you're not alone http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html its kind of spot on and even if you're not struggling with depression, it is a good read/look into what living with depression can be like
hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.comDepression Part TwoI remember being endlessly entertained by the adventures of my toys. Some days they died repeated, violent deaths, other days they traveled ...
Lucca Valentine · 3/21/2015
seriously cannot endorse that web comic strongly enough....GO TO IT.
Catsanctuary177663 · 3/21/2015
Runemist, depression is a physical illness, period. Would you tell someone with diabetes to try to adjust their insulin levels with positive thinking? Unless you are a doctor I would not give such dangerous advice. We can no more adjust our serotonin levels through adjusting our thinking than we can our insulin levels or blood clotting profile. Leave the advice to the medical professionals. All discouraging someone from taking medication does is prevent them from using one of the tools in the mental health toolbox for healing. Medication brings us up to the same level as everyone else to enable us to benefit from DBT or CBT. It is so sad that these backwards ways of thinking still exist and keep the stigma alive. Every medication has side effects, but when you work with a licensed doctor they are qualified to find the right match. Let's leave the medical advice to the doctors. Lives are at stake.
Catsanctuary177663 · 3/21/2015
Also, Casi, for your information, there is no cure for depression. Medication is usually a lifelong necessity, just like blood pressure pills. Again, medical advice is best left to the professionals. I speak from personal experience. I almost died after going off medication because depression is a forever disease. AND I practiceDbt, CBT, utilize the 12 steps, meditate, practice mindfulness and have acupuncture twice weekly. Without medication none of that works. It's been 20 years and I've buried 2 family members who believed what you are saying.
Phoenix Hunter · 3/21/2015
Shadow22, I've had depression most of my life, even when I was as young as 7. I had to start taking medication in my teens. I have been off and on medication many times. I've learned you have to do whatever works for you at the time and be flexible to change if something else may work better. there were times where I was OK not taking medication and quickly I would learn I needed to get back on medication. I keep fighting the fact that I need medication! I just do and I have to accept that about myself. For me, it is literally a life or death choice. Depression sucks because it has NOTHING to do with your life situation usually. Everything in life could be going great and you can still have this feeling of nothingness and lack of joy hanging over you. the worst for me is not when I feel sad from depression, cause I dont usually feel sad from it. I just feel nothing. complete lack of emotion. I feel emptiness and I dont feel human. and yes, people will make excuses for you. my mother is the worst at this. they tell me I'm tired, stressed or whatever. I'm not. there is usually no explanation for my feelings. My feelings and thoughts do not stem outside forces. it is my brain. the chemicals in my brain will not allow me to feel happiness and for me, medication is the only thing to fix that. People will makes excuses for you for the rest of your life because they mean well. unless they have depression themselves they will never understand and you just have to forgive them for that. Being kind to yourself has to have concrete meaning to you. I think when you have depression you have to be kind to yourself by taking care of yourself. having open communication with your doctor, take meds if you need them, if you feel yourself getting worse or not getting better reach out to your doctor. that's how you can be kind to yourself. make it your mission to make yourself healthy because it is not only good for you but with any kind of mental illness we have an extra responsibility to not let things get out of hand. it sucks to have that responsibility but its true. our illnesses can have devastating effects on ourselves and in turn effect those who love us if we dont take care of ourselves. And sometimes you will find that you may not be able to openly communicate with those closest to you about depression because they dont believe it, accept it, or understand it. your job is to find someone who does understand even if that means going to a group meeting for depression. you have extra responsibilites on you because you have depression. just realize that now and you can empower yourself for the rest of your life to deal with it. depression is an inconveinence that has to be taken care of much like diabetes. it requires regular monitoring and checking in with a professional healthcare person. you sound like you are doing the right things to handle this. if you are on meds, just take them exactly the way you should take them. and if you feel this isnt the right medication for you, or you are having too many unwanted side effects. tell your doctor. there are sooooo many options out there and you dont have to be stuck taking something that isnt working for you.
Runemist34 · 3/21/2015
Catsanctuary177663, I'm feeling that communication has broken down, and I can no longer participate in this topic in good conscience with regards to my health. I respectfully disagree with you, but cannot move further this discussion.
Veena · 3/21/2015
Everyone please do your best to get your helpful points across without belitting someone else's post. This does not mean you must agree, but please be kind to one another. As for depression, I really feel there is more than one type, and it's up to you and your health care provider to figrue out if it's a chemical issue or situational issue. Not medicating a chemical issue can be deadly, while medicating situational depression can also end up with a bad out come. I do think it's very important to know which type of depression you are dealing with before choosing or not choosing meds! Shadow, if the meds are working and the dr wants you to take them please follow thier suggestions and take it, contact them if it's not working for you so they can help you. If you feel maybe it's situational depression (some times life sucks and it's HARD) talk with your dr just to be clear that meds are right for you. If you have a good dr they wont just throw medication at you, they will explain why you need it. You are not alone with having depression and most of us here are FAR from "normal".....anyway who wants to be boring and normal?? But really, I understand the desire to want to "feel" like you "think" normal should be, if that makes any sense lol! Pole can be great therapy for many things including depression. Please take care of yourself and know you have people here to support you. xoxox
Shadow22 · 3/22/2015
I am in tears! I didn't think that my post would bring so much... Support! You're all such kind people and I knew that turning to a world full of "strangers" would make me feel like I'm not alone out there... As for medication, I am on a mild anti-depressant prescribed by the doctor to help with feeling low and physically weak all the time. The only side affect I suffer from it is that it makes my mouth very dry! I'm constantly thirsty! I've only been on them for a few days but he said it will take at least 3-4 weeks before they start to take any effect. So I'm due to see him then to see if they have made any slight difference. As for all the rest...I'll keep turning to everyone on here, because you've all given me some strength and hope that I can sail through this. I understand that there is no "cure" for depression, it's something that we live with and have to deal with in whatever way we see best. I just need to find my way first... I'll keep you all posted, and thank you again for your kind and supportive words. Much love Xxx

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