Mislead Overprotective Boyfriend

Lindsey Love started this discussion · 7/25/2012

Does anyone else have an overprotective boyfriend who is convinced that the only form of pole dancing is for strippers? I have explained that I do not do it for money, all of my private parts are covered at all times, and my main goal is to challenge my body physically to perform aerial skills. Pole dancing is a way to express yourself. It does not always include popping your booty on the floor primarily for a male audience. There is no way to explain the art of what I do. Because of this he doesn't ever want me to perform in front of an audience or post any type of videos. He has seen the way I dance and the tricks I do yet he is sticking to the idea that anything involving a pole is sexual. I even threatened to break up with him over it. I’m not alone on this right? Any advice?

44 replies

PersianXcursian · 7/26/2012
have you shown him videos of professionals and articles on the benfits of pole dancing?? my dad doesnt want m performing in front of an audience either but my bf is cool with it cuz he knows at the end of the day, hes the one that gets to come home with me. if you've tried educating him and he is still being stubborn about it, then you gotta ask yourself, how badly do I want to perform and post videos? if its not a big deal then stay with him. but if it is and he's not willing to support you, then ditch him. you can find someone else who's proud of what you can do.
Kyrsten · 7/26/2012
My bf was like that at first (his response any time I mentioned going to pole class: "gross") but he's come around. Give it some time and try to ease him into it... my boyfriend probably would have been pissed at the idea of me performing in the beginning but I'm headed to a regional competition this month and he's really excited for me. Have you shown him videos of Chinese pole? Nothing sexual about that. Why is it gymnastic and athletic on uneven bars but flip the bar vertical and suddenly it's immoral and slutty? LOL. Try showing him some of the more artsy/athletic videos of pole with no shoes, no sexy dance... it's no different than any other gymnastic or circus apparatus. Try also explaining about the pole community itself... I mean, it's 90% women who are appreciating this for goodness sake!! Lol. But yeah, give it a little bit of time and if he remains adamant, it's your call. Sometimes it does take people a while to get rid of their preconceived notions about what "pole dancing" means. I personally feel like mentioning that I pole dance is an easy way to weed out the type of people I need to stay away from honestly. I don't need that kind of closed minded misogyny around. :)
FitChix1 · 7/26/2012
You didn't mention how long you have been dating, or how long you have been pole dancing, so.. But if it hasn't been long for either relationship, then you have to realize a few things: 1) His hang ups about pole dance are HIS. If he is willing to end your relationship over your pole dancing, then you don't need his approval, or to try to change his mind. He'll either come around and accept and support you, or he won't. 2) Are you taking classes? Film yourself at class and he'll see what you are really doing all hour. I think mine was convinced we danced around in underwear grinding on the floor until I showed him a video. He has even given pole a try, he says it's hard! LOL. Good luck!
Hazelnut · 7/26/2012
I haven't had any boyfriend issues but my parents were mortified and convinced I had found an alternative stripping career, until I showed them videos of Anastacia Shukhtorova... (however you spell that!) and they saw how beautiful a dance it can be without any sexual moves at all. Now they are cheering me on! But boyfriends are different... I could see his point if he didn't like the idea of other people (and how does he know they aren't men?) seeing you in tiny outfits, but this is probably because he is insecure about how how much you fancy him... ie if other people pay that much attention to you, you may ditch him for someone better! But if you explain to him that 90% of the time it is a group of chicks jumping around together having fun, then he will probably calm down! So yeah, show him some shots from class! if after all that he is still convinced you're a stripper in disguise, I'd ditch him. Life is too short to be with someone who isn't 10000% proud of you!
Empty · 7/26/2012
My parents are like that actually. While my mom is supportive she fears i'll dwell to the "dark side" from it. She doesn't want the teacher to record me cause heaven forbid its posted on facebook. My dad totally thinks I have some fascination with stripping and this is another gateway. So needless to say, when I go over there i keep a zip lip on my pole life. My fiance, well he's on the fence. He loves that I have a passion and it evens out our "me time" playing field. He has his thing, I have mine. He makes fun of mine a lot. Calls it "strip training" and all that stuff. But in the end he pays for my classes, tells his friends and listens to my stories. Some of my female friends are like "rock on!" and others have kinda disowned me for it cause i'm a "heathen" now. So there is always that stigma no matter who you tell it to. Hazlenut basically said everything i was thinking. So what she said x100! :)
dustbunny · 7/26/2012
My husband definitely had some hang-ups at first, but with time he has come around. He has even tried it a few times. :) His biggest problem now, is the posting of videos on youtube, facebook, or here on SV. Particularly anything that I'm in a skimpy outfit. I post very few videos in public (YT or FB), and only videos where I'm in shorts and a tank top. Anything that I'm wearing something skimpy (underwear or bikini style outfits) I post here and just don't tell him. LOL
TrixieLovett · 7/26/2012
It seems as though "overprotective" means controlling and insecure. And since you've tried to educate him about his misconception the question then becomes: Do you really want to keep company with that type of person? There are a lot of people we have to interact with on a regular basis just to function in society. However, you do have a choice of those you bring into your personal life and especially your inner circle. Please choose wisely.
tarah · 7/26/2012
I really love everyone's responses. So much good advice that I don't have any to add. Just want to wish you good luck, with or without him!
Leanne Love · 7/26/2012
My boyfriend was pretty unsure about it at first, until I showed him a video of Jenyne (same video I showed to my mom, actually) and it was an instant change of mindset. My boyfriend is incredibly supportive of me poling and shares in my excitement when I finally get a new move. I think if your man isn't going to let go of his hang ups in support what makes you happy, then you'll probably feel uncomfortable discussing / obsessing about (LOL!) pole around him and that really doesn't make for a good close realtionship, in my opinion. Hopefully this is not the case, but if it is it only means there is someone out there who will appreciate the multi-dimensional sport pole is and at least love what makes you happy! 🌸 best of luck! Everything will work out as it is supposed to!
LillyBilly · 7/27/2012
I used to have a boyfriend who wasn't supportive of my hobbies (even after talking about them and what they mean to me). I dumped him and kept my hobbies. My current boyfriend admires everything I do.
Beckypolegirl · 7/27/2012
i am very open about my pole but am very lucky that everybody including my husband family friends and work mates are all very supportive. They all ask to see regular photos and videos of my progress so its nice to have support. Hopefully your boyfriend will come round x
DedeJoy · 7/27/2012
I vote for "be 100% completely, totally, up front and honest" about this. Sit him down and lay it out one. more. time. This is what I do, for reasons that are about me. I don't do it for attention, or money, or fame, or glory, or for tips. :D If you can't be supportive and understand what this is about for me, then I'll do better with it on my own. It's possible that, if he realizes that you take it so seriously, you're willing to torpedo the relationship over it, he might also begin to take your poling seriously. He might also just be one of those guys who refuses to un-sexualize it. That may never change. My opinion is that it appears he does not respect you as an adult who is capable of making your own decisions. Right now, you're kind of letting him drive your choices for you. Ask HIM to hold the camera and take some video for you. Then watch it with him and let him listen to you critique yourself, i.e., "Oh, I should have extended my leg more," or "Oops, need pointed toes there," or "Oh, I've almost got that one, but I need to keep my right hand a little higher." Maybe he needs to see you picking it apart as a discipline, and not just catching video so you can post it on Facebook like some kind of attention whore. Most of us get plenty of attention over this without having to troll for it, ya know? :>)
Ana · 7/27/2012
My parents bought me a pole after I showed them this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=obC7vjVc8Rk&; And I show this one whenever I'm explaining what I do to boys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iE8wvaa-Rk I've found them to be very effective - so far everyone has been really supportive. Good luck!
Wiley · 7/27/2012
When I clicked on your post, I was like.. Wait a second, did -I- write that? I'm in the same boat as you. So I don't have much good advice but the other girls posted some good stuff that I myself should take note of. I poled for 6 months before I met my boyfriend and I already owned a pole, so there's NO way I'm quitting a passion of mine. I showed him some Jenyne and Zoraya videos but he still thought those were too "strippery"! He enjoyed Oona's though. 🙂 I agree with fitchix- He needs to know that you're not going to put up with him being a freak over one of your passions. I evaluated my own relationship and it is clear that my bf is a very jealous and overprotective person. I have never gone to the bars without him and he does not like it when I get male attention. He does not like it when I talk about parties or anything I ever did before I met him. Since I found the pole before I found him, he has put up with me poling but recently he has banned me from street poling. Posting videos on studioveena... Hell no I won't even try to ask! The main problem my boyfriend has with pole dancing is the "stripper" association it has and he thinks that no one will have respect for me. And when people see me do a pole trick, they think "Hey look at that hoe on the pole, she wants attention" rather than "Damn, those are some impressive pole moves". My boyfriend knows that I will drop him before I drop pole, so we compromised over the situation. I can pole as long as I am not "slutty" about it. He is naturally overprotective, so I can deal with it. He treats me like a queen in all other respects; otherwise I would kick him to the curb. Sometimes, I do wonder if I would be happier with another guy. Anyways, how is the rest of your relationshp? Is your boyfriend controlling and will not listen to you at all in other aspects of life? Does he respect your opinions? I may be wrong, but in your case it sounds like he has a hang-up over the possiblity that you are a desired sexual being to other guys because you can pole, and he wants you all to himself. Well guess what- someone is still going to find you desirable whether you pole or not!
Lindsey Love · 8/6/2012
Thanks so much for the advice everyone!!! You have all been really helpful on the issue. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one who is dealing with this! I laid down the line for him and said that it is my life and therefore I can do whatever I want to do, especially since I know I am not doing anything wrong. His opinion on the matter is that he doesn’t want me to do it in front of crowds (clubs, competitions, etc.), and he doesn’t want me to post videos on YouTube or Facebook. He is fine with me posting videos on here because it’s mostly girls viewing the videos. But like I said it is my life, and if I chose to post videos or perform then he will just have make a decision whether it means more to him than being with me. We have been together for 2 years now, and I started poling in the middle of our relationship. Ironically, he pays for my classes. I’m kinda in the same boat with Little Engine except he calls them “hooker classes” lol. The only reason he wants me to do it is so I can dance sexy for him. He will just have to except the fact that I have other personal reasons why I picked up this hobby then solely to make him happy. Hopefully he will come to this realization and be more excepting with time! As far as parents go... I haven’t even bothered telling them yet. I’ll be sure to post their reactions when they find out. I’m sure it will be the same process of thinking I’m a stripper yada yada. Thanks again everyone, and good luck with everything!
Lindsey Love · 8/6/2012
And Wiley I definitely agree that he is worried about other guys being sexually attracted to me. He is even legitimately concerned that I will get a stalker or two. Luckily, he doesn’t try to control me other areas for the most part. So I know he will come around eventually J.
DedeJoy · 8/6/2012
Well, I'm glad you've made a little progress for now, but it still seems very controlling that he has all these constraints and rules he wants to put on you about it. And as long as he's paying for your classes, you are giving him that power to call those shots. My suggestion is to pay for your own classes, then post pix and vid wherever the hell you want to. If you simply can't afford to and you insist on allowing him to pay for your classes, then you will have to suck it up and obey any rules he lays down about it. Be prepared for there to be more rules and stricter rules as your skill improves. He will tighten the thumbscrews every so often as long as you're still letting him think he's in charge of you. I can't recommend strongly enough the value of paying your own way so you can be in charge of yourself.
Anonyma · 8/6/2012
my ex boyfriend was the same..... but now im in the opposite situation, my new boyfriend is TOO MUCH interrested by my pole fitness involvement he even called off from work to come to my competition in september , I mean i am happy he's supportive but it stress me more than anything that he s following me everywhere
Leanne Love · 8/6/2012
Just a word of advice: a boyfriend who is controlling and doesn't want you to get attention from other guys likely has some self-esteem issues as well. He should want you to shine the way you deserve to. A friend of mine just left a boyfriend like this, whom she was dating for ~10 years, because he didn't like when she dressed a certain way as she is very attractive and would attract attention from other men and didn't like her going to the gym -- God forbid another man might notice her or even talk to her. I'm not in anyone else's situation so I can't possibly know everything, but I don't think anyone should have to feel restricted or feel constrained to someone else's "rules"
AriFerrari · 8/6/2012
Lindsay Love: No boyfriend, husband, or any other kind of significant other has the right to "allow" you to do anything. You are a grown woman who can do as she pleases, and especially the things that make you feel fulfilled and happy. You also deserve respect and someone who admires everything about you, including your poling. True support isn't toleration of your hobby, it's encouragement and pride in your hard work and accomplishments. Anyone who gives you anything less doesn't deserve to be a part of those things. I would not tolerate my boyfriend thinking that paying for my classes or being in a relationship with him gave him the right to dictate for who/when/where/why I pole. AND I definitely wouldn't dance for him! He doesn't deserve it! That's extremely selfish and unfair considering his negativity towards your hobby in the first place. I am not judging you nor can I truly judge your relationship without knowing you or your boyfriend, but from what you've shared I can say that you should definitely remember that the only person who can really choose your path and happiness is yourself, the people you bring along for the ride should deserve to be there walking beside you, not holding you back or dragging you somewhere.
muroo · 8/7/2012
I agree with everything said here. Just one more thing I'd like to add though (something I used in an argument). I have a guy friend who touts himself as super progressive 'n open-minded and whatnot. Talking to him about pole dancing was always fine. Then one day I mentioned chair play lessons and stuff. Out of nowhere he was like "I can see how you can pull off pole dancing as exercise, but chair? Come ON. this is only destigmatized because it's for 'fitness'." The point that got across to him was, no matter what the dancing or exercise, it's not "just stripping lessons" if it's for you. Sure, we might post videos because we're proud, or want some constructive criticism, but there's no audience we "need". And maybe we use this on our sig others, but haha, really, you should have some arsenal for that in the first place. =P (Hopefully!) The viewer has no power over what we do. And because of that, choosing to do pole dancing instead of any other hobby is just that -- a hobby, an art form, a passion -- that has to do with no one else. Even if I were stripping or dancing for money or an audience...as long as I'm the one who wants to do it, and that's common knowledge now, destigmatize it already! Anyway, a bit off topic, but I kind of had to get it out there once I was reminded of this friend. Who I'm not really great friends with any more for other reasons. Reasons including that thinking about him always gets me worked up and angry!...which wastes a lot of my time. =P Energy vampires, begone. Allll thatttt said, stalkers are scary. But avoiding stalkers means avoiding any public exposure of even any pictures, so...impossible. =P My boyfriend is supportive of my pole habit, even though I have a rule that he can never watch. :-) (Maybe one day, for a special occasion...)
adAstra · 8/7/2012
I love this thread; we've got such strong women on StudioVeena! Looks like you've got tons of great advice already so I will just reiterate that you should do what you have to and be true to yourself, whatever that means to you :)
Onga01 · 8/8/2012
My boyfriend is the exact same.. I posted a video on facebook and youtube and he wasnt happy at all. We got into a really big argument about it and i tried to tell him i only do it for fitness..in the end he made me delete certain photos of pole dancing off facebook but i kept the video up just as a revenge thing... Been with him for 3 years and ive considered breaking up over it...
monica kay · 8/8/2012
just be who you are. do what makes you comfortable and happy. if he has a problem with it- if he does not like who you are- he can get the ^&*( out!
nymphdancer · 8/8/2012
I had a boyfriend like that. I didn't even pole at the time but just me walking was too slutty. Notice i said HAD. Now I have a wonderful husband who loves me for me.

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