I promise I'm not a gold digging hooker!?

Cheaannette started this discussion · 2/4/2011

Let me try to make this short and sweet. My hubby is 39 and I'm 25. He has a great job and we live very comfy. That being said every time I meet his friends wives they look at me/treat my like I'm a gold digger/ hooker. Also I take our daughter to playgroups and when when the other ladies meet our family I get the same looks. Well we do a lot of entertaining and sometimes with these people so how am I supposed to explain the fact that I have a pole? I'm afraid it's just going to put the nail on the coffin on their thoughts about me. Part of me feels like why should I have to explain ,but maybe that's wishful thinking? Should I take my pole down if anyone comes over? But why should I have to do that? I know I should probably not let it bother me ,but it does. I really wish people weren't so closed minded about a pole! Any advise? TIA Side note.... I in no way look like a supermodel and my hubby is not a millionaire... So I don't mean for this to come off that way if it does. like I'm full of myself.

18 replies

chemgoddess1 · 2/4/2011
If these people already treat you this way why would you even bring up the subject of poling? As far as the rest goes...so what? That really is not much of an age difference and for the most part they are probably all jealous of your youth (and pissed that he did not go after someone "his own age"). As for the not letting it bother you...that will change as you get older.
poledanceromance · 2/4/2011
I once got some very good advice...if you have to hide parts of yourself from people to avoid a sh**storm, don't think of it as something unfair to you. Consider that if they know NOTHING about you and are still willing to treat you badly, they don't deserve to know anything more. Take down the pole, kill them with kindness, and know that everyone with a brain will see they hate you simply because they feel like it and for no other reason. In effect, you just make them look like the overstuffed toddlers they are. And when they're complete buttheads, do your best southern woman impression and just say "bless your heart!"
Cheaannette · 2/4/2011
I wouldn't just bring up the pole that's why I was wondering if I should take it down when they come around. Thanks for the advice I guess I need to not be so insecure about it. Thanks again!
Katherine McKinney · 2/4/2011
I don't think you should take down the pole. I think you should offer them lessons. ;) Seriously, though--you have an awesome hobby, and if they already think badly about you based on your age, it can't get any worse. They're obviously too passive aggressive to actually say anything to you about it, so I'm going to give you another motto to consider: if people are going to talk anyway, might as well give 'em something to talk about. 🥂 Plus, since you've done nothing to them and that hasn't worked, you never know--your hobby just might pave the way for some real dialog between you and these sensitive ladies.
Runemist34 · 2/4/2011
What I would recommend is just getting to know the boundaries between yourself and them. Obviously, we know our physical boundaries, and we tend not to blend lives a lot with strangers, but when expectations and things like this come up, we get a little muddled. I like to think of it as a give and take; if they give, and you take, suddenly they feel justified, and you've given something in return...your own power, your sense of choice and self. If they try to give, and you DON'T take, their shit lands on the floor (excuse the language) and they have nothing left to do but face it. So, here's the thing: You know you aren't some kind of golddigging hooker, and you're not a trophy wife, you love him, and he loves you. Of COURSE you want to make a good impression, but the best way to do that is to be yourself; I, personally, wouldn't want to consort with people who are bitchy and expect you to be exactly the same as them. I suppose that's why this works. Anyways, when they say "Oh god, is that a stripper pole?" my response is usually "Yep." and it can work for you, as well. Why deny it? Why get mad? It's just their expectations, not yours. Their shit, not yours. You don't need to take it. Sorry, it's a little complicated when I try to explain it fast. Hmm. 😕
PhillyPoleJess · 2/4/2011
My boyfriend (eventually husband saving for house and all etc) and I are 10years apart so there have been some judgemental looks and even comments. I am with poledancer and chem do not give them the time of day or opportunity for the moment. This can be hard as who does not want to talk to people about their passions and hobbies (in my case my job as an instructor) There probably is a bit of jealousy on their part, some ability to not understand the dynamic of your relationship, maybe an ex they really liked, and/or just general boredom and a need to gossip about something. You may not think of yourself as a supermodel but looking at your pictures you are a rocking hot pin up even after a baby. Who knows, there might be a point in time which you can show some of them or have a few of them over for a pole party. After getting to know my guys family, they grew to love me. His sister who is 6 years older than me and a little leery of me and dancing now shows all of her girlfriends my videos. Do not let any one make you feel less than fabulous and let them be bitter and negative. Never excuse what you do but don't feel you have to put yourself out there to be scrutinized. As part of the pole community, especially studioveena, we are used to positive support and good intentions just remember not everyone shares these views. Also remember we will be here to support you.
Cheaannette · 2/4/2011
Thanks ladies for your wonderful words. You all have made me feel a ton better about myself and the situation. I have decided to NOT take the pole down and to not walk on eggshells around them ,but to just be myself. Thanks agin ladies!
AliciaPolerina · 2/4/2011
Well I feel your pain there! Im 24 and my hunny is 44 so I get the same looks and comments. His friends have called me a stripper if I mention im a pole instructor or the girl with the stripper pole lol. I just laugh it off, be super sweet and offer them a class! I knew it would come with the territory, if your happy then screw them! And be proud to be a poler!
Madfelice · 2/5/2011
Wow! Your story could almost be mine. I have a lot of the same kind of looks and comments from people for the same reason. I kept th pole dancing quiet for a bit, but when I was just learning they were always commenting on the bruises so I came clean and played up the fitness and weight loss aspect of it. I prefaced it with the "Not that I need to lose weight, but..."and when I gave figures for it from my studio's weight loss challenge they ran where the competitors took 3 classes a week and the winner lost 12 kilos and 53% of her body fat they started to look at it in a bit of a different light. I think they still disapprove, but they can't say anything in front of me about it now since I pretty much proved it is a healthy pastime, lol! Just don't pay attention to them if they criticise, I know from experience that can be close to impossible to do, but now I just take a perverse pleasure in knowing that I am fitter and likely healthier than the majority of them and that I have loads more fun getting that way than even the Gym junkies amongst them!
Layla Duvay · 2/5/2011
Well, you've gotten some excellent advice here--Runemist, great use of the poop metaphor, lol! I haven't really got anything to add except that I'm 49 and my husband is 71 and after 15 years of wedded bliss I STILL get evil eyes and puckered lips when we're out in public.--usually from women his age! The thing is I don't care. He picked ME not them, so there. You just keep being your awesome self and if folk don't come to like you, they're not worth your time.
Charley · 2/5/2011
My boyfriend is 8 years older than me, not as much an age difference as everyone else and most of his close friends are awesome to me. The girls are always a little weird but it's gotten to the point that people ask me questions about it now and are curious. I've only taken my pole down for one person and that's his dad - I even left it up when mine came over. I only took it down because there would be no way to explain the pole. If they already think you're a gold digger you can't change their mind - so I personally would have fun with it and say for example "gold digging just isn't enough exercise anymore." or something like that - but I love to make people squirm when they are mean.
Jamof3 · 2/5/2011
I think at 39, your husband is far from old even though he's a bit older than you. It's so silly that these people would think less of you or that you were only in the relationship to be a gold digger, because you've had a child together. Having a baby with someone is the ultimate commitment! I think more than anything they must be jealous of your youth. My advice is to just be confident with who you are and what you enjoy. If you're confidant and accepting of yourself, they'll have no option but to accept you themselves. I bet a number of them would love to learn pole dancing themselves!
PinkyPower · 2/5/2011
Hi sweetie. My fiancee and I have a 17 year age difference. We, much like you live a very comfy life and enjoy riding horses and going on vacation and doing what we both enjoy and want to. We have the same situation. We have been the talk of the town for the last three years. I'm a gold digger and a whore (he's the only man I've ever been with sexually, by the way) and he is a craddle robber. We both new that we would have this sort of reaction from people when we first started dating. We made a pact in the begining that we would not let it bother us and we would protect and support each other no matter what was said or done. We have people now telling us that they wish they had a relationship like ours. I don't feel like a trophy wife, however you ask my hubby and he says I'm the most beautiful and sexiest woman EVER! :) {Yes, he knows how to earn brownie points.} lol! We don't have a perfect relationship, however we are happy with each other and that is all that matters. I have started my campain for pole and tell everyone, no matter who they are about it and my fasination and love for it. When I first asked for a pole, my hubby said "Your going to have to take it down whenever poeple come over. It's kind of tacky." so, I said to him, "Are you embarressed by me? I love pole and it is apart of me. You have always told me to express myself and that I no long needed to hide WHO I AM. I AM POLE AND THE POLE IS ME." Needless to say he thought about it and came back to me and said I was right. Besides, he keeps all of his Hunting junk laying around and I'm really good about not fussing about it. :) TAWANDA! You do what you feel is right for you. What is good for me is different for you. You may sart out by taking it down, and in the future change your mind and feel more confidant about it. Best of luck in your choice! ~Pinky~ P.S. Sorry it's so long, I'm a talker when it's something I lhave a strong opinion about. :)
shatyra · 2/5/2011
hello sweetie dont take your pole down long as hubby havent said anything about it dont worry
Sanchara · 2/6/2011
Hmmm.... I think that it is important that you have "our" friends rather than "his" friends and "your" friends. Now I'm not saying that means saying good bye to everyone - you just have to socialze with people you feel comfortable with. My husband and I went through some friend - related growing pains in our first year together. His best friend thought he was being sinful by being with me. (I'm 12 years younger than him and I was in my last semester of highschool when we started dating) and my best friends one thought he was an old perve and the other was in love with me... But there were lots of people who on both sides who were supportive and those are the ones that became "our" friends. In anycase - I think your discomfort about the pole is a symptom not the problem.
Shanghai Coaster · 10/11/2011
Look, if they truly are his friends then eventually they will come around and realise that you are together because you love him, that you are good for him and they will accept you. Try to look at it from the positive side, he has friends that care about his well being. If they dont come around and refuse to get to know you properly then what kind of friends are they to him anyways? I always make the best effort to become friends and get to know my friends boyfriends /husbands even if I dont like them at first. I think it is important if you have any respect and care for your friend to do so. If they cant be bothered to invest energy in getting to know YOU then dont bother wasting energy on what they think about you. Easier said than done, but you should try at least :) hope things work out!
Shanghai Coaster · 10/11/2011
Oh and secondly, who are we to judge gold diggers anyways. A relationship consists of two consenting adults who have the right to decide exactly what type of relationship they want. As long as both partners know what's up (no one being fooled to think that it is true love) then why should they not be allowed to be together even if it's just for money/beauty/status etc.?
Anonyma · 10/11/2011
they re just jaleous... climb that pole and they ll be even MORE...lol