I need serious life advice and I need it today

poledanceromance started this discussion · 7/20/2010

I'm young. I've been living in my first apartment that I rented last year for my senior year of College. It's basically a glorified studio. A seperate bedroom but open living space aside from that and a little alcove to the kitchen. Y'all have seen it in my videos. It was painted for me, sunny yellow and out-to-sea blue. Only thing is that it's in a pretty bad neighborhood, but I've never felt unsafe inside my home. Well now my senior year is over, all the neighbors I coordinated my move with (friends wanted to live close together, next door) are now gone. Senior year is over. And I found a different place that costs about the same but is almost twice as large in square footage and is a few blocks over in a much nicer and safer neighborhood. I was supposed to move last Friday on my guys day off, but he threw out his back the night before and I resceduled my moving truck until today. This morning I woke up to pouring pouring rain and it's supposed to rain all day every day until Friday, his next day off. And he's still sore today. The new place is nice, I would have my own pole room with tall ceilings and floor to ceiling mirrors. But it doesn't have the personal touches of this place and it doesn't have the history, all the happy memories of this one. I got screwed out of the move last Friday and now screwed again today. Do I rescedule the truck AGAIN for Friday or accept signs from the universe that this is not meant to be and cancel the whole thing? I can't ignore two failed attempts. It seems like I'm being sent a message that this move isn't a good idea. I am very emotionally connected to my current place and my clothes and dishes and personal items are already at the new place so I feel emotionaly aloof because my belongings are scattered and anything at the new place isn't covered by my renters insurance. I'm panicking and I'm stressed and This is my first real move that's not a dorm move. I feel like I should be happier or more excited but I just feel torn in a million directions and let down and defeated. I have to call soon to either reschedule or try to cancel the truck. Do I keep moving forward or just drag all my stuff back here? To top it off my mom is pissed off at me because she was blowing my phone up this morning "trying to help" because she's out of town and feels guilty about that. So I don't know WTF to do and I feel really isolated and confused. I haven't signed a lease at the new place yet but I don't have one here either so if I don't act either way I could wind up homeless wi th both places rented out to others.

13 replies

amy · 7/20/2010
sorry to hear about this. but honestly that's why i don't rely on my boyfriend to do anything for ME. sounds rough but i dont like needing to depend on a man... i would hire movers, or try to rally a bunch of guy (and/or female friends) and entice them with a homecooked dinner at my new place if finances are tight. if i had to say, i dont think this has anything to do with the new place and the world telling you nto to move. i think it's the world telling you that you're a strong independent woman, and you can figure out a way to move yourself without him. and you will make happy memories wherever you are. don't get tied to a place and think you can only be happy there. happy is a state of mind that you can take with you.
Jenn · 7/20/2010
I agree with Amyxshi, don't ever depend on a man to do something that you can do for yourself. I personally don't believe in fate, I believe you make you own future. So don't let the past disappointments affect your decision to move. It sounds to me like this move would be very good for you and it is something you really want. If I were you, I would start moving as much of your stuff over as you can by yourself and then either hire someone, or see if you can find a couple friends that wouldn't mind helping you out. Last time I moved back when I lived alone, I rallied the help of several friends and as payment I bought a few cheap pizzas and soda and put in a couple movies on the DVD player to entertain them afterward. it was a good time for all of us and they knew how much I appreciated their help.
Veena · 7/20/2010
Honestly .....when things are really difficult and seem to be impossible to accomplish, well...those have been the decisions that turned out the best. Settling for the easiest option isn't always best. I see "road blocks" as a sign that I should keep pursuing what I had planned...the reward is usually even better than I had expected. Don't wait for your man if he can't help...where there is a will there's a way, you can make it happen!!!! Go for it 🥂
chemgoddess1 · 7/20/2010
Amy has many words of wisdom. I will add....I know that recently you have been in a state of flux. Look at the move as a new lease on life and as a new beginning.
stars2shame · 7/20/2010
I agree with Jenn and Veena about fate, and making things happen for yourself. Everytime I waited for something to happen it didn't until I did something about it. I had a friend say that because she didn't get accepted into college that is wasn't ment to be. NO! because she spent her time fooling around instead of doing her homework she didn't get into college. You have to fight and work for what you want, and Veena is right, it just makes the results that much more satisfying. A bigger place, with floor to ceiling mirrors and your own pole space!!!! Amazing! A safer neighbourhood? Better!! If there is fate or god or whatever, then it is probably just trying to make you realise how bad you want it, and make you work for it to really appreciate it. Also the only person you can rely on is yourself (and sometimes even I let myself down) And when you want something done right you have to do it yourself. Move!! You will feel better when you are settled. Then go to ikea and buy some nice things to make it feel Zen worthy (or whatever peace inspired thing you like) Good Luck!
horsecrazy12987 · 7/21/2010
I agree with what everyone else has said. I don't believe there is some mysterious 'fate' out there that makes everything happen--you gotta' do that yourself. This sounds like a good move for you; I would go for it. I'm in a one bedroom apartment in an ok part of town with my pole set up on a carpet that fuzzes up like a dog shedding, and if I had the money to get into a place with a pole room with mirrors and hardwood floor, I'd be on it so fast I'd still have carpet fuzz sticking to my pants from the shockwave that disturbed it up off the floor after I zoomed out the door. We all get attached to things/places, but like amy said, happiness is a state of mind. You will probably move several times throughout your life; it's not easy, but you make your own memories at every place you move to, and then instead of one place with happy memories, you have five or six places all with happy memories. Take the plunge; make it happen, regardless of whether your boyfriend can help you or not.
poledanceromance · 7/21/2010
I wanted to post before bed since I really appreciated all your replies. I read them all periodically throughout the day. I should clarify that the only reason I came to depend on my guy for this move was that he just moved a month ago, right at the same time he got a new job. He had to move one weekend and couldn't get the time off and worked three 10 hour shifts in a row, so I basically moved for him. All he really did was some heavy lifting. I packed everything and then unpacked it at the new place, set up all his decorations and hung pictures, stocked cabinets, folded undies etc lol. He doesn't have much stuff, the silly musician, it wasn't hard. I however have tons of furniture, a dining room set, mattress and box spring, couch, thee full size dressers, and literally 6-10 full size boxes of just books. Too much for me factoring stairs both ways to do safely alone. But he was like beyond tearfully grateful for my help in that and promised to help me move. He actually asked me if I could move the truck day so that he could help, and offered to pay the cancellation fee and cost of a new truck on a better day if they wouldn't let me move it. (luckily, they did) I took what you all said to heart about obstacles making an outcome sweeter, and tried to remember I always have the capability to make new happy memories. I rescheduled my truck to Friday. And I'm currently trying to pin down a couple friends to help so that my guy cab mostly stick to helping me arrange things inside, I.e. Scoot things across the floor with me and not have to do tons of lifting. He's been really depressed that he is so unable to help so I'm trying to get the job done enough myself that he doesn't feel like he's screwing me over yet have lots of valuable things for him to help me with because he wants to feel needed and to help me in kind and, frankly, I want the help. I still don't feel 100% joyful about my move. There's such a sadness about losing my adorable, personality-packed first apartment. ESP because I forgot to take pics before I tore it all apart like a total idiot. Arg. I hope it's normal to feel so torn even when a choice seems like the best choice on it's front.
chemgoddess1 · 7/21/2010
On a similar note, I cried when I sold my first "real" car and also when we got rid of our first motorhome. The memories that were made in both of those vehicles will always be with me and it was difficult to part with both. Our new motorhome now has so many memories attached to it that I will probably be a blubbering idiot if/when we ever get rid of her.
horsecrazy12987 · 7/21/2010
I still don't feel 100% joyful about my move. There's such a sadness about losing my adorable, personality-packed first apartment. ESP because I forgot to take pics before I tore it all apart like a total idiot. Arg. I hope it's normal to feel so torn even when a choice seems like the best choice on it's front. I think that's probably normal. Change can be a scary thing, because you're moving toward the unknown. Your old apartment is safe because it's familiar, whereas this new place has no history to it, and you've got no attachment to it yet. People tend to cling to their first anything--I felt bad about getting rid of my first car because it was what I had learned to drive in, and even though it was just the most basic gets-you-around car as could be, it was my first car and I loved it. But it was also old with a lot of mileage on it and was starting to get to the point where it was probably going to nickle and dime me to death, so I knew it was time to move on to something newer. Take a deep breath, and just imagine that beautiful pole room and all the good memories you're going to make there.
Missy27 · 7/22/2010
I know exactly how you feel. I moved four years ago from a really cute little starter house that my husband and I bought right after we got married. We had so many memories in there!! From bringing home our son. Then our daughter. Special moments with the kids, birthday parties, holidays.... And I really loved the house. It was great! For a while. But the truth was we had outgrown the house big time. My two kids couldn't even fit twin beds in that one bedroom they shared. Our living room looked like Toys R Us because there was no where else to go with the toys. Our new house is way bigger and pretty much everything we wanted. Kids have their own rooms. We have a "family room" for all the stuff and an actual adult living room. 3 bathrooms.... a big deck and pool.... But even knowing all that, walking out the door of that house was one of the hardest things I ever had to do!! I cried like crazy!! But moving has to be done. For one reason or another. And I'm sure you are just opening a new chapter in your life! Embrace it and know you will have lots of great memories ahead!! Change is definitely hard, I hate it too! But the best things in life are the ones that don't happen easy!! Good Luck!
poledanceromance · 7/24/2010
I just wanted to update everyone. Man and I were able to compromise. He still can't lift anything, but wanted to hold up his end of the deal with our trade (when I packed everything for his move so he promised to do all my loading in return). So he spent the afternoon doing all the dishes in my sink and getting the kitchen partly cleaned, and he also called in a few favors with his friends. So lo and behold but three huge guys descended on my apartment and everything was moved in about 4 hours! My mom wanted to help ke move, bit she and my dad are with my dads parents because my grandma is dying. Obviously, that's been part of what had been upsetting me about this move that I didn't share in my op. It's hard for me to deal with allthe change right now, because she is up there dying of cancer and I've got this moving commitment...I don't think she wants me to see her in the condition she is in, on hospice and very weak, and my dad thinks I should avoid seeing her in current state as well, but being so up-in-the-air makes me want to cut and run and just go sit next to her bed and cry. She's one of the most important people in my life. Taught me everything I know about working the earth and gardening. So I guess I just need to plant a new garden and tend to the old one, hang up my pictures, and pray for my family to have peace and strength. Thank you all for being here for me at a time when my family does not have the emotional energy to be here for me. Part of the reason I didn't call my own friends to help me is that I don't have any down here. I made the decision to move to my former college town in the middle of the summer. Pretty dead around here. I really am trying to start fresh. Man, starting fresh really sucks before you really get started! But still, thank you all for being here for me. The past few weeks, my pole sisters have meant more to me than you all could ever know.
horsecrazy12987 · 7/24/2010
I'm very sorry to hear about your grandma; I've lost two grandparents to cancer in the last couple of years, so I know what it's like to go through that. It's a horrible disease. At least know that when she passes, she is no longer suffering. It is very hard at first; my paternal grandpa was the first to die of cancer back in '08, and then my maternal grandma last year just a few weeks before Christmas. My grandpa's passing was hard for me--because of a lot of family strife that is a very long story and is too much to get into right now, I never got to say good-bye to him, and I carried that guilt with me for a long time. The first several months after his death I spent time swinging between guilt over not seeing him before he died, and utter disbelief that he was actually gone. But eventually, it does get better; it took me a long time, but now I can just think of him in a happy light--I remember just him and the kind of man he was, instead of the fact that he's gone. I was never particularly close to my grandma because she and my mom had a lot of issues between them, but when we found out her colon cancer had returned and spread and that she had about six months left to live, my mom, dad, sister and I went down just a little while after she got the diagnosis. We also visited a few more times while she was still living at home, and then when she was put into an assisted living facility when she got really bad. I'm warning you right now--if you haven't actually seen your grandma while her cancer is in its final stages, prepare yourself; it is a horrible, horrible sight; it was hard for me to see, and I was never as close to my mother's mom as I wish I had been. I can't imagine what it would be like for you. Honestly, it was almost a relief when my grandma passed because we knew she wasn't in pain anymore. Your grandma has had a long and fulfilling life and passed her knowledge and wisdom along to you; now it's your turn to use that and eventually pass it along to someone else. Remember that you are doing her proud, that she has left you with an entire lifetime of memories for you to cherish, and that when she goes she will be at peace after fighting for so long. I'm glad you got everything moved quickly. At least you don't have that to stress about right now. Now go put on some music and lose yourself in that beautiful pole room.
amcut · 7/24/2010
...bah, that.. just made me cry. 🙁 I'm sorry about your grandma. On one hand, I thing you should run down and see her. Because you love her and you want to be with her and support her and send her off to the next step, whichever that is. On the other hand, I want you to stay at home because it is terrible- and it is the last thing you see. But I can imagine that imagination would be worse than reality in a lot of cases. My father just died recently, and we were not close- but my mother loved that man to pieces, and seeing her so torn up and wanting to send him off, and wanting not to see him. 🙁 bah, cry! cry! cry! BETTER PLACE. Sometimes it is time to go. I'm glad you got your move together, PDR. It's gonna be for the best. New things and old things make for a wide, varied, glorious memory. A filing box of wonderfulness. If it was all the same type of goodness when you looked back you might be bored...