I have to vent !!!

Jenn PoleLush started this discussion · 3/14/2011

...and I have to do it here because only my pole friends could understand. I'll make it brief. First off, I have a very crappy relationship with my mother in law.. when her and two of her sons come to visit they have never ONCE acknowledged the 9' TG POLE in my front room that has been there for a year. I got sick of taking it down...it's cool with my husband...in my book, the ppl that matter are cool with it---screw everyone else. Hell, my mom watches videos and shows me stuff and has BOUGHT me pole-related items..she is totally cool with it and I am proud of her acceptance...she is 70and quite conservative. My daughter's 4th birthday party was this weekend...I knew I was gonna take it down because other little girls are there and I have THAT much sense that it is not appropriate. What I expose MY daugher to is my business but I do not expose others when not neccesary. SO, my MIL comes over 2 HOURS before the party has started and I was preparing food, etc and the pole was still up...she was early! She pulls my husband aside and says "Michael, seriously--you cannot let her do this to you--it is your daughter's 4th birthday and you have a STRIPPER POLE up in your living room..talk to your wife!"...Uh, okay...luckily my husband and I are on the same page and he mentioned she was early, I WAS taking it down when I was done preparing food and "she is not doing anything to me"...He said, I don't know what you think she does with it (because she has never asked, only assumed) but she has an activity/exercise that she is enthusiastic about and excells at and I am not about to discourage her..." She didn't talk to me all night (fine by me) and came over and kissed my husband good bye and didn't say a word to me...and the rift between us grows ever wider 🙂 BTW, I took it down, laid it in the hall briefly by the stairs and she said "Honey, you can't leave it THERE...someone will trip on it"...so I said..."CAN YOU?!?" Sorry if it sounds mean, but like I said, we have a 20 year history between us that will never get better and she usually tries to pick a fight at a family function...I just make sure she doesn't win😈 Pole was back up before all the guests left (the kids were gone) ---my one SIL LOVES to play on it...she is my fave!

18 replies

luvlee · 3/15/2011
Oh Jenn, that sucks! Good for you for standing your ground. I am glad you have a supportive husband. That helps. So frusterating but at least she sees that it is not going anywhere; and what does she think you do with the pole???? LOL!
inkyfingers · 3/15/2011
Sorry about your troubles with your MIL, Jenn. I myself don't bother taking down the pole for anyone, not even when there are birthday parties in my house. Everyone can see it because it's in the dining room in front of the window to the street. In fact, people could see the pole from the street if they were to try. The dining room is the only area that has enough clearance all around. It's about 5 feet away from the dinner table. :) Nobody knows it's a stripper pole, as I call it an exercise pole. Kids don't know what it is unless they are told. It's just a pole, and kids like to touch it, get greasy fingerprints on it, etc... Playgrounds have poles, right? In fact, my 10 year old son likes to do things on it, and I teach him how. He looooooves to invert on the pole. As for kids who come over... heck, it's hardware in my house, no different than a decorative pillar, or one of those funky wooden giraffes that some people decorate their homes with. My basic rule for the kids, is that they may not touch the pole - ever - unless they wash their hands first, and if they want to do something on the pole, it must be 1. with my permission, 2. after washing their hands first, 3. other kids must be well away from the pole, and 4. myself or hubby must spot the kid that's doing something. To date, my kids are unaware that poles can be found in strip clubs, as they have never been in a strip club. If someone comes over and recognizes it as a 'stripper pole' then that's their issue, not mine. Nobody, child nor adult, has ever given me a hard time for having a pole, so I feel terrible for you that your MIL is being such a (insert nasty word here) about it. Thank goodness your husband is proud of your sport. That you take your pole down when guests are coming is more than I would do. I wish you the best of luck with the situation, and I give you a big hug, too. If you can't vent about this here, then where could you?
nymphdancer · 3/15/2011
hugs sweetie, I can't imagine having that kind of relationship with my mother in law, that would suck big time. I take my pole (s) down for no one. I had my minx up during my step daughters wedding rehersal dinner.
glitterhips · 3/15/2011
Yikes!!! I am not married yet...but my boyfriend's family is from another town and we've been together for a year and a half and i still haven't met his family for that same reason...you saw him at the show so you can see from his appearance that we both are "out there" and his family doesnt care for that so i can only imagine how they'd feel about my pole, thank goodness everyone i am around is supportive, i am very lucky 😉\ buuuuut in your case....i know you didnt really ask for advice but if you want to resolve the issue somewhat for reasons of your peace of mind then maybe you and your husband or SIL can sit down with her and tell her she doesn't have to love it but you would her to at least be RESPECTFUL to you...especially in your own house and in front of your child!!! She should want to set a good example for her granddaughter or at least I would think so and little kids sometimes can pick up on emotional tension etc. I don't think it's unreasonable of you to ask her to at least not talk about it with you since she doesnt seem to be open to understanding why you do it, that's probably the most you could get out of her, but considering you are both adults and have an impressionable little girl in the picture as well, she should realize that as her DIL and mother of her grandchild she does owe you at least basic politeness...and if she still won't budge just start bringing the pole to family functions 🙂 my dad was not too jazzed about me poling when i first started but now he understands what it's about, so hopefully your MIL can make at least enough of a change to not give you trouble about it...good luck!!
TrixieLovett · 3/15/2011
Jenn you're a bigger person than I'd have been. Good karma WILL come your way. Hugs to you until then.
muffin85 · 3/15/2011
she would LOVE my house~my living room is our temp pole studio while the real one in the basement gets built!!!! There's at least two poles up at all times and its the first room you walk in to when u open my front door :) The only time my poles have embarrassed my in-laws is when we asked them to come over while our satellite was installed (they give u a four hour friggin window!!!) i guess the satellite dude thought the house and the poles belonged to MY IN-LAWS!!!!!! who are both in their 50's. But they had the good sense to laugh it off. I realize I am the exception to have so much support from BOTH sides of my family and support from my husbands parents as well. I'm such a fireball with a hare trigger temper, it would not be good if one of them were not supportive.....
Hana Granados · 3/16/2011
Love this thread! Me too...pole comes down for no one! My kids were worried that their friends (teenagers) would be embarassed by it but the first time they came over they were the first ones on the pole and trying flag poles!!! :)
PhillyPoleJess · 3/16/2011
Not only am I glad for you to stand your ground but so glad you have such a supportive husband who will stand up to his mother for you. Thankfully my immediate family is also supportive (my mother has bought me 7in heels, for a christmas present my parents paid for a round trip flight to vegas last year for a competition). Some of my extended is not but meh similar to you they have always had issues with me. Sorry she is a jerk but happy for you to have great support that is so important.
dustbunny · 3/16/2011
@Glitterhips - and if she still won't budge just start bringing the pole to family functions http://localhost../../img/smilies/icon_e_smile.gif I love it! I would totally do that too. :D Good thing my family on both sides is supportive, I don't have to worry about it. Although some of the extended family on my hubby's side has seen some pictures on fb and secretly asked my MIL what exactly I do...she just laughed at them and told them to go look in the album, told them it wasn't scary. LOL Then she called me and told me! hahaha :D My parents are super proud and supportive, they helped me pay for the pole! They love to show off my videos to family and their friends. I think my mom gets a kick out of seeing me act silly on camera when a good song was on the radio or something. Like some of the other ladies here, I take down my pole for no one. It is less than 10 ft from my front door, and directly in front of the big glass sliding door to the backyard. So EVERYONE knows! I think my backyard neighbour watches me from inside his house when I have the curtain pulled back, lol. Doesn't bother me in the slightest, he would never say anything though because we don't get along. The only time it has come down was when we were having a weekend long LAN party (computer gamer speak) and we needed the space to lay out airmatresses, it didn't even really come down...just got loosened enough to slide it towards a wall so that it was out of the way. :) Good luck to everyone who has the less than supportive type of family and/or friends. Remember that you love what you do and that it is good for you and harms no one else. They don't have to like it, but it is none of their business, and you shouldn't worry about what they think. Next time that nasty MIL or other family member shows up unexpectedly, just pull out your biggest tricks and show off. Who cares what they say, maybe they'll even turn around and leave? Good riddance. :)
Mary Ellyn · 3/16/2011
My pole never comes down. It's not in our living room but in the spare room which is right inside our front door. The kids (nieces and nephews) have all grown up seeing it. They arent allowed to touch and frankly my business is too big in my life to worry about what family thinks. They all know that so they can either stay away from our events or behave respectfully when they are around. Funny story...my niece (40 yrs old) was at a local restaurant with her kids and an ad for my business was on the paper placemat on the table and her kids all recognized me. Her husband tried saying THAT's NOT aunt Mary Ellyn...and one of them said "yes it is...that's her tattoo on her leg!" LMAO!!! Then they proceeded to point out to the waitress how their aunt was on the place mat! It sounds to me like this is a long standing problem and it wouldn't matter what you did she'd find fault with it and it's great that your husband stepped up to your side in the situation. I have to admit I liked your comeback to tripping when you said "can you?" LOL Glitter's suggestion for trying to talk it out is worthwhile if you think there's an inkling of a chance of getting her to change her view but if not, it's not worth the aggravation as she may just turn it all on you and make things worse. I vote for bringing it with to other family events! Maybe you need a nice pole portrait on your wall so at least she has to look at it when you have future parties and feel the need to take your pole down!
Sair · 3/16/2011
Ah Jenn, such a drag that you have to deal with that. :( You have every right to have your own personal outlet regardless of anyone else's approval.
minicoopergrl · 3/17/2011
I gotta say youve got more balls than me. Every time I have a beef with my MIL, I just roll my eyes and walk away. I know im not going to win, and im ok with it. My husband has backed me up once. My MIL tried and bought me a pair of heels to dance in. Totally not what I would of picked out and they had no platform and they were 4 inch heels. Good club shoes, no go on the pole shoes. My husband basically told her I wouldnt be able to dance in them for those reasons. So he does pay attention. This is why I would rather get a gift card and get what I wanted in the first place, since I cant exchange the shoes b/c she bought them on ebay. Sadly my IL's dont listen to me EVER! Ok, my personal rant is over. My pole is at my moms house. Its in the laundry room and if the door to that room is open you can see it from the front door. Actually her friends thinks it hers until she explains that its mine and shows them my YT stuff! My moms awesome and very supportive about what I do. It all comes down to its your house, your equipment, your hobby not hers. Give her the invite to SHUT IT 2011!
PoleKitten87 · 3/17/2011
My pole never comes down - it's a permanent lol! My MIL is cool with it, and so is my husband's aunts and uncles and grandparents. My maternal grandmother LOVES that I pole and shows people pictures of me all the time. My friend and I are staying at her house for USPDF and plan on bringing one of the X-poles to set up at her house for the weekend - I'm gonna get her on it! But my mother, oh my mother. She wont even go near the pole, or that end of the house except to use the guest bathroom (WHEN she visits... I've lived here 6 years, three hours away, and they've visited me 4 times). She's expressed to my grandmother she doesn't care about anything I can do on the pole, silks, or hoop. Rolls her eyes at my heels and asked me one time "Are you REALLY going to wear those out?" (My clear 7" with black straps!) I definitely LOL'd at the "Can you?" !!
nymphdancer · 3/17/2011
@Glitterhips - and if she still won't budge just start bringing the pole to family functions http://localhost../../img/smilies/icon_e_smile.gif I did that. I took mine on our disney vacation. My mother and mother in law are NOT the problem in my life. it is my sister who was on my vacation with us. She has gone on for MONTHS about she doesn't know why the "stripper pole" had to go on her vacation. Well #1 it was MY vacation. she invited herself and her husband along. My in laws supplied the condo. It was nice having them there to help with the kids. #2 I never poled in front of her or her husband. My pole time was while they were in their room or the day they took the kids to sea world. 3# I can not help it if she is the biggest fudy duddy in the world.
Sam I am · 3/17/2011
I have a five year old and I sometimes worry she's better than me at pole lol.....I keep mine up all the time....I will say I did start in the closet 3 years ago then one day I just said screw it...if people don't like it .....they can stay home,,,,,working for me my in laws NEVER come over thank goodness for poles!!!!!! Good luck <3
moxie · 3/18/2011
When I first bought my pole I assumed I would be taking it down every time I had company over. I quickly learned that doing so was totally unecessary. So I pole dance? AND WHAT? Hahah. It's my house. I bought it with MY money, and I'm the one that lives there. Anyone that comes over and has a problem with it can walk their happy asses right back out the door if they have a problem with it. :) Power to the polers! :)
mizvix · 3/18/2011
my pole is permanent, but i'm lucky that i have a spare room for it! my SIL finally came round to it - she always seemed a bit funny about my niece and nephew playing on it even though my bro encouraged them - and is now a tad addicted..... oops😉
tarah · 3/18/2011
Gosh that just sucks!! i didn't read what anyone else said, but i just wanted to say that i don't think you were "mean" to her in comparison to how she is treating you. she sounds really abusive. i'm SO glad your husband is there for you to help stand up to her!!! 🌸