Getting a divorce

cali started this discussion · 4/16/2009

😢 well i have no friends here in lamo Kansas so you guys get to here me vent if that is ok. well my husband wants a divorce!!!! 🙁 😢 we have been together for 6 years and have 2 kids. i dont know what to do you guys, i dont know what i did wrong. he says i do not do anything and all i do is bitch and nag, whice is sooooooo not true i do not. but the bigge is that he cant go out anget messed up and go out to the bar and club without me and go screw off with whoever and whenever where ever he wants! he has a huge problem with drinking and doing drugs in the past. i have not yet earned his trust if he wants to go out he can take me along as well i would like to go out 1 time a year to you know. as for i dont do anything ,,,, i have to do EVERYTHING for the kids i go to school get good grades and i ALWAYS have the house nice for him when he comes home. ow yes he wants to quit his job!!!!!! he started looking for his own place today i dont know where im going or for that matter what im going to do. im crushed and lost. 😨 yet im mad as well 😈 he is all i know you guys what am i suppost to do?????? ❓

22 replies

Trena · 4/17/2009
OMG Cali, u poor thing. Is he willing to sit down and have a rational converstion about this? U need to have a rational discussion! Divorce is a big step. Perhaps you could discuss having some sort of trial separation first... Would he consider a marriage counsellor or a mediator so you could have a proper conversation about this. I hate to be one of those awful people putting ideas into your head but have you asked him is there someone else? I wish I could do something to ease your sadness and pain but I dont have any magic solution. 🙁 Im so sorry cali. That's such bad news! 🙁
Former member · 4/17/2009
oh honey, im so sorry!!! this is such a stressful and shocking thing to go through, especially when you have kids involved. i think trena's right- maybe you guys need to sit down and have a rational and mature conversation void of any blaming and guilt....you know? If worse comes to worse and a divorce actually DOES happen, cali you must know that you will get through it and we'll be here for you. He might be all you know right now, but he's not the only thing in this world that will bring you joy...there IS a life afterwords too. If that happens, I'd suggest enrolling yourself in a divorce group, or Parents Without Partners- my Mom went there when my brother and I were little, she had separated from my Dad and she got a lot of support and guidance from those meetings, plus she met lot of really nice friends there. You could enroll your kids in a divorce group for kids so they understand what's going on also.i can't imagine the shock, hurt, saddness, anger and pain you must be feeling right now- but all of those feelings are normal. it WILL be ok cali, we're here for you ok honey? 🙂
Trena · 4/17/2009
I echo what Sascha said, if worst comes to worst dont feel that he's the only thing going for you. You have two beautiful kids who love you and need you. You have your pole to vent your frustration with and you have us! We will listen to you and try to help you in any way we can. xx
adamseve · 4/17/2009
Sweetheart I'm so sorry to hear this and that you're hurting. I've been in your situation but I was the one seeking the divorce because my ex-husband was abusive physically & emotionally. He was also a lousy father, a drug user, and a terrible husband. I stayed with him for over 15 years praying things would get better, but they never did. Like your husband, he said all I did was bitch, etc. And like you, I didn't. I simply kept asking him to do better for his children's sake. As much as he'd like to believe you're the problem he knows he is and is only blaming you to make you feel bad. He's not yet man enough to admit his own shortcomings so to make himself feel good he's got to blame someone and you just happen to be the one he's blaming. I know this is hard and it hurts like hell, but you CANNOT allow him to make you feel as if you're the problem in your marriage. It takes 2 to make a marriage work , but it can take only 1 partner to destroy it. We all have our shortcomings, but you alone can't make your marriage work. He's got some demons that he's fighting and unless he loves himself enough to fix them he can't fight them just for you and the kids because then it won't last. He's got to fight them to save himself and it doesn't sound like he's ready to do that. You deserve a better husband and your kids deserve a better father. Today it seems like your world is falling apart because you have to deal with the hurt, pain, anger, & fear but tomorrow you may be able to see this as a blessing in disguise just like I did. My life changed drastically for the BEST when I finally got the nerve to leave & divorce my ex. You will be OK. You will find a place to stay, and believe it or not you're in a much better position to get assistance as a single mother than you are as a married woman. Use the resources that are available to you and you'll be able to not only get through this, but prayerfully you and your kids will be much stronger emotionally and mentally going forward. Take a moment and think about what you need to do to take care of you first and DO IT! You can't take care of your kids if you're not taking care of you. Once you've done that you can begin to think clearly and develop a plan of action for you and your kids. YOU CAN DO THIS! And don't be afraid to cry. It's OK to cry and rant & rave because you have to get those feelings out. You won't do it one time or even 2 times; you may do it many, many times, but just do it. Don't hold those pent up feelings inside or they'll eat you alive. The one thing that I did to help my kids was be extremely honest and open with them. That's the least I could do because they didn't choose their father. It hurt them, but they knew all along what was going on. THey were waiting on me to get to a place where I could finally leave, and they were only 10 & 6 at the time. Sweetie, I don't know you personally and it doesn't matter. I'm here for you not just on this forum, but you can always PM and I'll give you my phone number and vice versa. This won't be easy, but you will get through it. Please, please, please....do not beat yourself up. You know in your heart that you've done everything you can to make your marriage work and that's all you could have done. You are beautiful, smart, loyal, loving, caring, trusting, and above all, decent and lovable. Don't let this take your joy and definitely don't let this break your spirit. YOU WILL AND CAN GET THROUGH THIS. Hang in there and remember, you can always PM to chat. I truly don't mind and would love to be there for you. I wish that I had had somewhere there for me so if I can help in any way please don't hesitate to contact. Hugs & Kisses. Tracey
Rouge_LAmour · 4/17/2009
He sounds like he has classic addictive behaviour. It's never going to be his fault!! 🙄 🙄 I had one of those people for far too long, it was really hard to leave as I was conditioned to think I needed him. A breakup is really hard, but if he's treating you like crap and blaming you for everything, then it's the best thing ever for you to get out of that situation and live a better life. Especially if he's using / self-medicating. 😠 Hard advice and possibly not what you want to hear, but as someone who lived through that for 13 years, get out while you can. Have you been to al-anon groups? They are for families and friends of users and are great for bringing you back to where you should be. If he's making moves to leave, then let him. Once he's out that door, he's out for good. Don't take him back for anything. Not even in a weak moment, be strong. I know I should probably be telling you to make amends, get counselling etc, but if he's treating you like this, then sod it and let him go. You don't need anybody treating you like this. He has no respect for you and that's not right in a relationship. Let the ba%^&*d go. And did I read right with Lamo?? Love the name. loads of e-cuddles, Cali. The great thing about places like this is that people will share when they need the support, and people will always come through with great advice and support.
adamseve · 4/17/2009
Cali, I also agree with what Trena said. I should have stated that first, but I got lost in how you must be feeling. If you can talk about it and you feel your marriage is truly worth trying to save don't just give up on it. Remember, I was in my marriage for 15 years trying to save it! 🙂 One more thing: my ex was my first everything so I know how you feel. But you know what: today I'm married to the love of my life, my soulmate, my friend, my lover. I never knew what love was until I married my 2nd but 1st husband. And to think, I like you thought my ex was the love of my life simply because he was all I knew. There is life after divorce if it gets that far. Hang in there OK.
Rouge_LAmour · 4/17/2009
The decrepit Aunty Rouge is going to get up again... 😂 When I was 21, I was in no position to have kids, emotionally I was the party girl out for a good time. You've already made that huge sacrifice with your life to bring up kids. To echo everyone else, is the relationship really worth saving. You've been together since you were maybe 15? Think of how much you've grown since you were 15. And you really will keep maturing. So, what I suggest you need to do, is to get an independent third party to assist with the relationship discussions. But only if the relationship is worth saving. If not, then leave. Addiction is an awful third party in any relationship, especially if only one party is involved. I was terrified of leaving my ex and being single. but it was worth it. Then I met my amazing husband at 34, no regrets there! ☀️ PM me if you want a non-public discussion on living with addicts. Been there, done that have the healed emotional scars! 🥂
cali · 4/17/2009
thank u all soooo very much!!! it means alot to know i have so many to turn to. and as for the other women thing he hasdone it in the past many times and is acting the same way again, so anotherwards yes i think so. 😕 i have tryed talking with him but he wont. i have tryed counsling but again he wont. again thank you ALL for showing some support i really needed it in my meltdown 😳 you guys are awsome. xoxoxoxoxo
RoxyPink · 4/17/2009
Oh Cali I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I would be lying if I said I understand because I can't even phathom what you are going through...especially with your kids. I will keep you in my prayers!
Veena · 4/17/2009
Oh Cali, I just read your post. I'm so sorry this is happening 😢 I can't imagine how angry and scared you must feel with your two kids and all. Just hug them extra close tonight! This can only make you stronger in the end. I'm sure there isn't much we can say to make you feel better but just know we are here for you.*hugs*
Polegirlsonia · 4/17/2009
thank u all soooo very much!!! it means alot to know i have so many to turn to. and as for the other women thing he hasdone it in the past many times and is acting the same way again, so anotherwards yes i think so. 😕 i have tryed talking with him but he wont. i have tryed counsling but again he wont. again thank you ALL for showing some support i really needed it in my meltdown 😳 you guys are awsome. xoxoxoxoxo Cali, this is awful!! i am sorry to read this, no one deserves this treatment!! you are a woman with two beautiful children,i think you need to stop and think for them, do you want your babies growing up in that enviroment??? i can see it, i have been there too, now on my second marriage, It is hard at the time when all is falling around you, i know, but it does get better, and usually straight after they leave!! I know you deserve better and you must come to this conclusion yourself, your children need you to think for them and do whats best for them too, you would be surprised how much easier life is without someone constantly draining you of all good, its a tiring road to be on, get off, get out and get those kids away from the negative impact that man will have on your's and their lives!! I believe there is someone for everyone somewhere, so dont think for a second that you'll be alone, You wont! and just think while your busy wasting your time and energy with someone who obviously doesnt deserve it your Mr right could be walking right past! dont miss your chance to have a happy life, with or without a man! And tha same goes from me, do PM me if you want to talk more about how to get on with life, i had two to my first marriage too, it wasnt easy, but it got alot easier with him out of the picture! Big virtual huggs honey xxxxxxx 🙂
Foxy_Rei · 4/17/2009
I'll ditto what everyone else is saying and I'll add this: I was 8 when my parents separated, and it was a couple years before they actually divorced. My mom was cheating, and she was the one asking for the divorce. The thing that was the most traumatizing to me was listening to my parents fight, and after my dad moved out and my sister and I went to stay with him, was when he broke down crying... the only time I've ever seen him cry. If he had just moved out and I had never heard the fighting for hours and hours during the night nor had seen the emotions flying, it wouldn't have been nearly as bad. So my advice is if he wants to leave, let him. Don't make any scenes in front of the kids... they will be confused, but when they are older you want them to realize that you handled it like adults instead of having a screaming match like children. I had nightmares of my parents fighting for years afterward. Also as hard as it is, try to be strong for the kids. Come to grips with that this is what is best, and be there for your kids. If you let them see how much it's upsetting you, it'll make them even more upset. I know it's hard to mask the emotions... It'll be so much easier for your kids that way. But do try to keep them in the loop; tell them what's going on, just try to do it rationally. Like I said I know it sounds strange, but that's the kind of stuff that will get to the kids more than the actual splitting up will...
glitterhips · 4/17/2009
Im not married and I dont have kids but I do know quite a bit about how the male brain works. I have to agree with Rouge, this does sound like he has an addictive personality and thinks he can just come and go when he pleases and if you don't like it then he's going. My ex was like that and he would always break up with me and I would cry and cry, then he would call me a week or a month later and take me back, and that went on and on until finally this past time I stopped answering his calls and taking him back..and now I have a new boyfriend who is great. So he might think that this is what he wants, and if he does think that then let him have it. I guarantee you he will realize when he's living by himself in a crappy tiny apartment without the sound of his kids running around or you there to cook him dinner and do some sexy pole dancing that he totally f*cked up. Sadly guys are pretty dumb and also can be very selfish...no offense to anyone's hubby or boyfriend, not all of them are, but a lot of them are. It also takes them forever to grow up whereas us ladies mature much faster and a lot of times have a stronger sense of responsibility, especially when you're a mom. I think a lot of times guys get freaked out by the responsibility of being a dad and a husband and want to try to get their party days back. But if he's cheating on you you seriously DO NOT have to put up with his bs nor should you! You are really fun and sweet and a beautiful girl and if he doesn't realize that then too bad! There are a lot of transitionary housing places that are very welcoming to single moms that will give you guys a place to live and give you some career counseling, etc to help you get set up with a job to support you and your kids to move out on your own. Just know we are all here for you no matter what happens...and if you need someone to talk to let me know and I can message you my number...Ive had friends call me crying at 3 am because of boy troubles so I am no stranger to this!
cali · 4/17/2009
words cannot say how much you all mean to me !!!! im soo happy i found this sight veena thank you for making it. your words are all so kind and supportive. im going to try my best to take all of your guys advice. i swear 🫡 im still in shock that anyone cared enough to take a min to type anything at all. you guys are the best. this is going to comout so wrong but im happy im not the only one that went threw this, ( i do not wish this on anyone just for the record) now i have great people that can give me some sort of hope. i just dont understand the whole thing, why why why????? i just dont get it. by the way he wont miss me pole for him because he doesnt want to wactch me, he gets mad when i try and show him or tell him that i learnrd a new thing. 😕 just want to say it again you guys are the BEST by far.!!!!!
Andrea · 4/17/2009
Awww Cali i'm so sorry to hear this. Everyone else has said what I would've said. Everything will be okay, just try to make the best out of the situation. We're all here for you!
Caramel_Dlite · 4/17/2009
There is nothing that I can add to whatever else has been said, but I just want you to remember that you're a strong woman and you can get through this. Please vent on this site whenever you want, you've got over a thousand SV members willing to help you through this xoxox
azriel · 4/17/2009
Cali omg honey, i'm so sorry! everyone here gave such AMAZING advice and support, i agree 100% with what everyone has already said, so i'll keep this short and simple.. it sounds to me like you've been taken advantage of, and taken for granted of, to the extreme- so much that you even got used to it! Trying to work things out is almost always the best thing to do before accepting to divorce, but just know that some behaviors and attitudes are very difficult to change. and it seems like he's pretty much made up his mind. I know this may sound a bit harsh, but i'm trying to be realistic. It definately won't be easy at first, so be prepared for a bit of a rough time, but you WILL survive, and you will come out of this STRONGER, and it WILL BE TO YOUR BENEFIT in the end, because you don't deserve that kind of treatment! It's hard to see this now, but it's better that this happens now rather than later on.. You're so young and you have 2 kids, and that's what makes this sooo hard, but soon enough you will find someone who respects you and takes care of you, and that is when you will truly realize that all that you're going through now was worth it. I know this can't make you feel any better at the moment, and i really can't help you with the practical issues either (i don't live in the US so i'm not familiar with housing programs and support groups).. just remember what everyone else here told you, and that we all care and will support you in any way we can! stay strong sweetie! 🥂
Trena · 4/17/2009
cali Ive always tried not to takes sides in this kind of situation. That being said, I know you love your husband but he sounds very immature and quite selfish. I dont mean to be mean but if he's not willing to work on your marriage then he's not worth it. You shouldnt have to put up with someone repeatedly cheating on you! That's awful! You are so young, you have your whole life ahead of you and your kid's lives too I might add. It will be extremely hard at first but you will get through it. Your husband cant just come and go as he pleases and expect you or your kids to be okay with it. If he wants to go, let him go, you shouldnt have to beg him to stay for you or your kids. Foxy-Rei is right, try not to argue in front of your children. My parents split up when I was 12 but they should have slpit up long before that. They argued constantly infront of my brothers and I and we hated it! I wanted my parents to split up beacuse I knew if they did at least they wouldnt be living together 24/7 and fighting all the time! Im sorry if Ive offended you by speaking ill of your husband but from what you've said about him I dont know if a beautiful, kind, caring girl like you should have to put up with that kind of treatment.
yogabeachbabe · 4/17/2009
Oh Cali, so sorry you're going through this. I agree with what everyone's been saying. If he is an addict, there's not much you can do about it except enable him to continue to be that way. He's got to be the one to clean himself up and he's got to do it for reasons that are strong enough to carry him through to sobriety. And you deserve to be adored and to be treated better than what he's been dishing out. And your children deserve more, too, much more. We're all here to listen and support you.
Gsylass · 4/18/2009
I've just found this thread Cali, sorry I missed it earlier. I have nothing useful to say and my thoughts are the same as everyone before me, so just wanted to add my cyber-arms to the group hug here xox
litlbit · 4/18/2009
Cali...I echo pretty much what everyone else has said...my 1st marriage was like that, I thought I would die without him. I didn't...I didn't understand any of it until I became a practicing alcoholic/addict myself after we were separated and divorced(That's how I dealt with it!). It wasn't until I sobered up and got clean that it became very clear to me what he was doing to me and the behavior you have described is addictive behavior! You can not fix it or him and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! There is life after divorce! I got clean and met my present husband....I have been clean and sober for 28 years now..over half my life, and I have been married now for 27 years...The support groups that have been mentioned are absolutely wonderful...they helped me (AL-ANON) put the responsibility where it belonged, it helped me rid myself of guilt that wasn't mine...most importantly it helped me heal, mentally, emotionally and spiritually...because what he's doing to you breaks you down and takes your strength and power from you, so TAKE IT BACK...you can with support! There is rainbow at the end of a storm, there is a pot of gold at the end of that rainbow!! Many HUGZ to your and your children!!! 🌸
lily · 4/19/2009
Cali, I am also so sorry you're going through this - I have also been divorced and of course my story is it's own kind of nightmare.....I know how stressful and painful it is. 🙁 I agree with SO much of what's been said, especially about going to counseling and support groups on your own if you have to. I hope the best for you, and am so glad you're getting to talk things out here.