felt like quitting, advice on non pole supporters?

Miccalicious started this discussion · 5/12/2010

Ahh everyone I'm having a bummer day 🙁 Not only did I lose my bartending job yesterday, but I got in a big fight with my bf today. Anyways in mist of the argument, he said " you spend all your money on pole dancing classes and a 500 doller pole" blah blah and basically bashing me and pole. It made me really discouraged I mean it took me forever to get the courage to go and sign up and actually spend the money on classes. And right now im still trying to save for my own pole. He wouldn't understand cause I don't think he understands the way I feel when I dance ( pole or not) .. pole just feels like a natural progress in my dance. And im seriously loving it so far, the motivation and help from this site, my own progression in class ( btw I nailed the basic spin and held myself on the other side then did the splits, not sure of the certain move name if there is one, but even my teacher can't do the splits.) .. I donno that made me feel good, and I was really feeling good about pole. Although I know I need to gain more muscle and lose more fat , I feel as though pole is really helping me reach my goals physically and emotionally . I feel good being involved in something again, trying to get as good as I can... and I feel like my bf just shuts it down and makes me feel like a cheap whore about it. Ugh sorry this is sort of a rant but I thought maybe you girls could give me some advice, since I don't really have anyone else to relate with this sort of thing. Do you have people in your life who put pole down? Even my parents are more understanding of the fitness and dance level of it. And although my bf sometimes makes it sound like hes happy for me I can always catch the under tone of hate. Like when I tell him about how awesome class is, he isn't happy for me. Its like if I played rugby this year and came and told him I scored a tri it would be okay but learning new moves in class is whatever. I understand not everyone is gonna accept it but he makes it seem like im training to go strip for other guys or something. Even last night he was asking why I need my own pole... ugh I don't know am I over reacting? Its just making me feel really bad about my self and my pole goals. I feel like absolute shit and feel like giving up. But I know that in 2 days when Its class time I'll forget all about him. Anyways I was just having a very bad day and felt like giving up, but I wont cause I already love pole and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. And I was so excited to start classes with TG poles ( since I have clammy hands) and with a really good instructor( who is also the dealer for x poles in my city!!) Ugh, sorry ladies if this shouldn't be posted here I was having a tough time figuring out where to post this since there is no angry jealous pole hating boyfriend threads.... ahh I see that there comes alot of stigma attached to pole. And it just bothers me. there im done venting, I think i'm gonna go watch the betty davis movie, that should cheer me up, hope its good. AHHHHHHHHHHH BREATHEEE!!! 🫡

17 replies

Danielle Tillie · 5/12/2010
Oh hun you are not alone... lots of girls here have to deal with their significant others being hateful about the pole. Either they are upset that time spent on the pole is time away from them, or that they are actually jealous of the pole, or that they have a problem with their stubborn view of pole dancing taking over. Sounds to me like this is a little bit of both. He doesn't understand your connection with pole, and he's not acting like he wants to understand. If I were you I'd tell him to piss off about it. Maybe he should learn something about pole fitness instead of just bashing you for it. If he's making you feel like a cheap whore, that is not what a good boyfriend should be doing. Tell him to get used to it, because it makes you happy. If he loves you, he'll want you to be happy. If he's a selfish butt face then he'll object. Forget about how he feels about it and love the pole, stick to your goals, go to pole class, and be HAPPY about it because of its positive health and confidence results.
Miccalicious · 5/12/2010
Yeah I can see that being true, I just feel at times people still chose not to accept things that used to be deemed. "sinful" or something along that nature. Anything with a slight connection to sexuality. ahhh I'm glad to know there may be others with me on this... im not the only one with a jealous man?? 😁 thanks for the advice its true, my first focus is my self and pole is definitely helping me better in all aspects. At least poles dont talk !!!!!!!jk jk hahah I'm not gonna let something like a man get between me and something that is building a better me!!! 😁 😁 hurray for pole!!
oluha · 5/12/2010
Hi girl!!!! Don't worry about you bf, keep on pole dancing, but may be you shall talk with him about the way he's making you feel.... I mean he could be jealous, I understand (mine where a bit, well, not reassured when I told him I wanted to start pole dancing..), but he's mean with you, and he hurts you feeling. You could ask him to try some moves, this way he could "feel" what pole is directly, and may be understand you better? But one thing is sure, if pole become (or already are) a subject of anger in your couple, you really have to find a solution, cuz neither him or you will handle it for long... Hope you'll find a way to reconcile your bf with the pole!! Good luck 👍
minicoopergrl · 5/12/2010
You are totally not alone. My husband is ok that I do it but he hates how its taken over my life (save that issue for a blog). I say its my only hobby and really have nothing else going on in my life. Hes stopped questioning why I need my own pole. Does your studio rent poles to students? If they do rent one and show him what youve been working on. That may change his mind.
glitterhips · 5/12/2010
ugh I'm sorry you're going through all that, it sucks when your SO is unsupportive because I feel like they should be more supportive than anyone! The bf I had before my current one was an asshole and didn't like that I poled or posted videos even though he had no problem going to strip clubs and watching other naked girls pole dance 😈 but needless to say we are no longer dating! My current bf is awesome and supportive of it so you might just have to sit him down and ask him what exactly it is about your poling that is upsetting to him. He might feel kind of silly when he can't think of a reason or has a reason like being jealous etc...then you can explain to him why you do it and he might see it differently. But I'm sure your bf has some hobbies of his own that he spends money on like going to sports games or out to bars etc so it's kind of ridiculous to tell you not to spend your money on poling if he spends his money on recreational things too...and I'm pretty sure he does since I doubt he sits at home all the time and does nothing for entertainment 😉 He also might be afraid you're going to start dancing and want to try stripping, personally I have no issues with stripping but a lot of boyfriends including mine don't want their girlfriends doing it and in their mind pole = stripping. I think if you sit him down and have a non-confrontational disucssion about it and maybe show him some videos or have him browse this site a little bit you might be able to change his mind. But don't give up! For every one person that is unsupportive of you I'm sure you can think of three who are so keep on poling!!!!
Miccalicious · 5/12/2010
Thanks ladies for all the great advice, the first was brutal and we still haven't talked but it's weird out of all the mean things said the pole comments pissed me off the most!! I've tried showing him videos, this site... and he just stays in front of the tv, its like he doesn't even wanna make an effort 🙁 I'll convince him though cause it just seems he makes a big deal about it when hes ARGUING, like its just a free jab he can take... uhhhh. , the studio I'm at now doesn't rent and I doubt the one I'll be going to next does either, but once I get my own he'll have no choice... its my basement not his... thanks ladies, I actually feel so much better just knowing there is people out there who understand where i'm coming from!! thanks!!! 😛
wyctorya · 5/13/2010
It might come across as kind of a tough advice, but... if you are so much "in love with the pole", I would probably recommend to consider "changing" the boyfriend (whoa, sounds like i'm talking about underwear 😲 ) Anyways... there of course are problems in every relationship and both of you should try to figure them out, but... but. He doesn't seem like he wants to figure them out. He seems like he would love to cling to your -before pole- you. Which he can't, because that's forever gone. Now you pole. Now, it is one of the things that make you who you are. Dancing, especially, is a sort of a hobby where it helps defining you, finding your own way or style. The bigger your interest in the subject is, the more it is connected with you, implemented in your life and in yourself. And that's not just going to go away. It is possible that it's just my past talking, but think twice before you settle. Because sometimes it might seem like you won't catch what you are looking for, so you should just sit down and somehow... fit yourself in the life you're not completely satisfied with. I was a settler for quite some time, because my parents taught me to be, but I wasn't happy. Your SO should be someone you can find the most support in, someone fit to go with you through every sh*t there is. He just doesn't seem that way - and what's much worse, he doesn't seem to WANT to be that way. - just my .02
x Sakura x · 5/13/2010
Hunibunch, all the other girlies are exactly right! The Pole is an amazing thing! My boyfriend didn't have issues with it, but it took him a while to understand what it was like for me, once he saw it taking over my life and making friends for me he couldn't be more supportive about it and that's how it should be. I mean he doesn't understand why i come home shouting and jumping up and down as though i've won the lottery, because i nailed a new move (I obviously sound like a crazy person) but hey it's how it is lol. I think you need a serious talk with your boyfriend, he needs to understand just how important to you this is and how it makes you feel about yourself and just how much he is hurting you by not beign supportive! If he's still being an idiot you have to ask yourself is he really for you? You are always going to have people in your life who don't understand what pole dancing is all about (I'm on a mission to convert all of mine, and it's working slowly....lol) but the people closest to you should NOT be making you feel cheap for doing something that makes you so happy, it's not like it's hurting anyone for goodness sake! Maybe show him some youtube videos and point out just how strong all these amazing women are (this is my usual tactic) but whatever you do, if you love pole dancing and it is making positive changes in your life, don't give it up just because some people don't understand x
MommaBear · 5/13/2010
I'd throw in my two cents, but these gals have covered all the bases and I would likely just be pulling quotes from everyone elses replies 😀
SissyBuns · 5/13/2010
Girl you are not alone at all. There is a huge percentage of polers who don’t have supportive family, friends and significant others. It’s a touchy topic for some and a hard thing for some men to get into. I still haven’t been able to figure out why. Still researching that, LOL. Don’t let it get you down though and don’t quit. Try expressing to the BF how you feel about pole and how much it hurts you when he puts you down for doing it. One thing I have learned from my own situation as well as others is that if a man truly cares about your happiness …he’ll get over it. And if not….he’s just a Boyfriend right? LOL 😂 😂 😂 Was that mean? 😳
x Sakura x · 5/13/2010
Was that mean? 😳 Aww you make me chuckle bless you x
stars2shame · 5/13/2010
Thank you to all the ladies for their advice as I too have the prob with the unsupportive bf. But he is slowly coming around. My bf of almost 12 years used to say he hates that I pole, well maybe not hates but thats the word that he used. When I try to show him a new move he says it makes him angry. He can't or wont explain why. That is why this site is so wonderful! You find people who understand what you are doing! It just sucks that you are so excited about something and you want to share it with the most important person in your life and they are uninterested. I just tell my best friend, and show her my moves, and pole when he is not at home. SO then months went by, I didn't show him any pole dancing but I continued to express my intrest about pole dancing. I bought one without telling him and it just showed up here and he was like where'd the money come from? (I had secretly been saving in my paypal account) Anyway, I ordered some cute outfits from ebay, and one night I showed him everything I learned in a sexy dance and afterward he said "Wow, you got good!" He is slowly getting more ok with it. I was really afraid to dance for him before because it felt so awkward and I couldn't do any moves, or finish them nicely so perhaps he was mad that I never danced for him. So now I try to dance for him more and last night he said he would be ok with me pole dancing at a bar if we ever went to one with a pole (before he hated if I showed other people pole dancing and would even leave if I started to pole infront of people). And last night he finially told one of his friends that I pole dance! So very slowly he is coming around. Make sure you tell ur bf that you will not tolerate being put down for something you enjoy and keep doing it. Hopefully he will come around. Good luck!
vodka · 5/14/2010
you just can't seem to catch a break, can you?? 🙂 but seriously...don't give up. you can't make the bf see poling the way that you do, or force him to experience the way it makes you feel, but you can stop his hurtful remarks about it. you know showing him videos won't work, cause you tried it, but is he against watching you do your thing as well? this is hard b/c my fiance is so supportive of it, even when i geek out about it (as always!) i think that stars2shame (was that her?) has it right. just be silent about what you are doing--when he is ready, he will come to you at his own pace. but ONLY on the when and why you pole aspect. the negative comments are best to end NOW. just opinion!! but best of luck...dont ever let anyone tell you that something that makes you happy is a waste of time. only you can say what is right for you, and you already have! 🙂
DaytonaDancer · 5/15/2010
Don't Quit!!! Keep doing what you feel passionate about and let no one person steal your pole dancing thunder. I've lost 32 lbs., feeling better than I have in years...and having the time of my life! It's awesome! You are awesome! You go girl! In the words of a Michael Jackson song, "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough"! I'm with ya! Much luck to you.
Miccalicious · 5/16/2010
THANKS LADIES!!!! yes well i havent had the "pole" talk yet, I donno I just think I'm gonna keep doing my thing going to lessons and hopefully getting my own pole within a month!!!! I think my bf is just gonna have to deal, i mean hes a big fitness junkie and always tells me how stress free he feels after a pump and i'm like HELLLLO thats the feeling pole/dancing gives me!! Anyways it dosent help that my weekly lesson was canceled this week since my teacher was sick:( booo oh well 2 weeks with out pole KILL ME!!! , I'm just going to continue with pole, I know its good for me and will help me lose weight, gain strength and HAVE FUN! and I don't care what other people think about it at this point, its something for myself and I dont ask questions why people enjoy their hobbies!! I'm just excited to be dancing again and learning new things and with a supportive support system like the one on studio veena how could I not keep following my pole goals!!!?!?! Thanks again ladies all the responses help and I'll definitely be re read this thread many time every time im feeling low on pole 🙁 and taking not to what im gonna be saying to steve when the topic approaches again, it seems like pole is only a problem when hes mad at me and using it as ammo.. ahh men, such jealous things!! THANKS AGAIN LADIES!!! happy poling!!! 😁 😁 😁
FreeTheSun · 5/16/2010
I know starting a serious talk can be difficult and it is easier to just do your own thing until it comes up again, but if you wait for it to come up again (apparently only during arguments) the talk won't go well because tempers are flaring. Just a thought to consider before you put off discussing it. Often when you do it becomes a much bigger issue than it really is. Just my opinion.
pole-twista · 5/16/2010
i coul say alot, but all i am going ot say is your bf (or anyone who cares about you) should never be making you feel like a cheap whore. please no matter what anyone says, do not give up on your goals. pole or otherwise. doing so is giving up on yourself. all i can think is either he is very insecure, or doesn't have enough going on in his own life to be happy when your not right there w him. i would personally sit down (make sure its a good time to talk, and try to keep it factual and to the point.) tell him it's imporatant to you that he listens w/o interupting and tell him how you love him, and you love the way dance/pole makes you feel physically and emotionally and let him know that it's important to you that he suppourts you in this. he doesn't have to be all into it, but he does need to be respectful of your feelings, and if he really cares about you he should be happy for you and your accomplishments. i have gone through this alot, and still have some less than great moments in this area, but i will not tolertate any disrespect. and everyone around me knows it. i do not play games abuout it. it's as simp[le as i do this bc i love it, i am a grown woman, and i will continue to do it as long as my body allows. i don't need anyone to be all over it, but if you say or do something to be disrespectful about the subject i will be quick to set you straight. the longer you tolerate BS the longer it will be handed to you. it's your body, life, and $$$ so use them all as YOU see fit. i would get rid of the bf before the pole. it goes deeper than the pole. it's about how someone treats you and makes you feel. i feel sorry for people that allow others to dictate their lives. be strong. you know you have a whole pole family here to suppourt you all the way. be strong and HAPPY POLING!!!!