feeling angry

polebravely started this discussion · 6/8/2015

I just found out that a lady attorney told another attorney that I am a pole dancer, and the context in which she said it implied it was seedy and slutty. I can't say it's not unexpected. I knew from the moment I started pole fitness there would be some fallout from ignorant, close minded people. However, that does not mean I don't have the right to be any less angry. I go to a reputable studio, with classes lead by a wonderful, physically fit instructor (who is also considered one of the nations best at pole fitness, seriously 1 of 14 selected to compete for the national title of MPDA) who has helped me to become strong enough to lift my own body weight and help my self confidence soar. If cross-fitters can post their PRs and videos of lifting weights, and if runners can post pictures of themselves coming through the finish lines, or if people that do marathon races and run through the mud can post their victory photos, I just don't see the difference of posting a new move I learned or the fact that I can invert no problem now or do a forearm stand. It's the best exercise I have ever found (aside from yoga which I consider to be more meditation) that truly focuses on not just strength, but flexibility and grace. Rumors can continue to spread as far as I'm concerned. I know they are only populated by stupidity and ignorance. I would at least hope a person would try it out or consider that it is legitimate exercise before passing judgment. I know I can't change everyone's minds and being in the midwest I have to accept the fallout if I am going to continue to post about it and share my progress. Well, I gladly will accept it, because I just will not hide something that I am proud of and enjoy, and I definitely will not hide it because some horrible person felt the need to talk about me behind my back. I am proud of myself. I am proud of all the hard work I have done to improve my mind, body and spirit. So....that's that I guess. P.S. My direct supervisor knows and has watched some videos. So, I don't know what this person was trying to accomplish by trying to villify me. Most people know because I beg them to come to class with me to an obnoxious level lol.

20 replies

joiceiamara · 6/8/2015
I know how you feel. I am a highschool teacher and so I have to hide from my students that I am also a pole dancer if I don't want to hear any bad comments coming from them. My Facebook and Instagram are private and, apart the fact that I rarely put photos of myself on pole, only chosen people can see what what I publish. Sometimes I wish to talk openly about that and perhaps make them understand. But every time I try, I regret!
mhudell2490 · 6/9/2015
I wouldn't stress about it ;) When I told one of my best friends that I started pole dancing she kept talking about how I should start a porn/pole dancing internet site to make some extra $$. I'm a doctor so I don't need any extra $$. I just took it as her being jealous. It's likely that the attorney you work with is just jealous as well :)
Phoenix Hunter · 6/9/2015
had a dental hygenist tell me that once I get good with my lessons at the studio I could work in the club and make good money. I was wearing my studio's t-shirt and thats how we started the conversation. nothing wrong with working in the club but yes, we also discussed how I work in surgery as a surgical tech. I dont need another job. I'm guessing she just doesnt know that you can pole dance without stripping. some people are just assholes because they are ignorant.
Runemist34 · 6/9/2015
I have heard the story a few times, where pole dancers are linked to being seedy, slutty, of "loose morals" and all the like. The stories are becoming fewer, but they do still exist. I think that many people don't understand learning a "skill" simply to learn it. It's like me with my harp: I learn to play because I like it, not because I want to perform music on stage! So, when you talk about learning to pole dance, and that you love it, people automatically assume that you would like to put those skills and that passion to work for you, and thus, Strip club. They often don't realize that pole dancing is a very small part of the strip club job, and that many of the tricks and strength we're learning will go to less than half of our potential stripper wage. Also, you're coming up against some very old ideas of "how women should act," and also some relatively new ones. It's only been recently, in terms of society, that women are in the workplace, and most of us are expected to act and dress closely to our male counterparts. We're supposed to feel empowered by "doing a good job," and earning lots of money, we're supposed to feel powerful, assertive, strong. These are things often associated with male-ness (and I definitely don't agree with it). However, a woman who is exploring her sexuality should do so behind closed doors! This comes out in a huge amount of situations. Girl's wearing too short a skirt? We talk about it, and go "Ooh, she's slutty!" Woman is flirting with a co-worker? Well, we talk about that, too, and call her something like the "office bicycle." A woman who even talks about being sexual with her life-partner is taboo, because sex is something we consider extremely private. So private, in fact, that we very rarely educate our children about it properly. So, people associate sexuality with pole dancing, and also with strippers. Obvious sexual pleasure taken by a woman, or a woman who is obviously sexually charged or empowered, is often referred to as a slut. Thus, we assume that strippers are all indiscriminately having sex with many guys, and "don't respect their bodies" (because if you did, you'd act like a "proper woman" and keep that sh*t to yourself!). So, the ladies like us who are learning pole dancing are considered to be exploring our sexuality, and are thus not acting like the masculinized idea of working women, or the mother-figure of a mom at home, or the silly teenager. We have no other box to be put into other than slutty. We are building another box to be put into, we are creating a new label, as women, all over the world. I know thousands of women who are creating this empowered, sexual, incredible label that we can all be proud to have and happy to be inside of, because it is more freeing than being "unlabeled" or having others stick us with their closed views of what we should be. So, keep at it. We're fighting an amazing battle, and insults are only just one weapon that others are using against us.
zoilife6233 · 6/9/2015
No they are just ignorant. And that is why we are there to educate them. When I was staying at the resort I was in a gym twice a day and there was yoga class and I always would join it. the instructor who was teaching the class asked me about pole dancing in the club last nite but the way she asked was a little judgemental. So I explained to her how hard it is and that I do much more then yoga to be fit to do it. She thought that if you do yoga you can pretty much do anything on a pole. I suggested that she comes that nite and tries. So she did and was kinda frustrated not being able to get a grip and hold herself, never mind move. Mind you the pole there was kind of scary too, it was spinny 50 mm some "kind of steel", super greasy, so I asked bartender for some gin and cleaned it then showed her some simple moves. She was so happy to learn, so appreciative and told her husband she's gonna join pole dancing studio in her town when they will go back. So may be try to win them, get them on your side.
firebird · 6/10/2015
ah ignorance... is bliss indeed but only for the ignorant, LOL! meanwhile they are major pains in the butt to the rest of us!!! not to make light, Tesar I do feel for you and hate that u are having to go through this... in time, maybe you won't even notice these things anymore... maybe... I've been poling for over 5 yrs now and I remember a cpl years back when I had what seemed like 1/2 the moms in my older son's class giving me the EYE, u know those weird (almost evil) side-long glances, etc -- while the other 1/2 of them were burning with curiosity and questions for me abt pole classes and what is it like, and can I do it? etc... 1 mom even said to me once that I should not wear anymore tops with the logo of the studio where I teach around other parents because "the last thing a lot of us need is one more thing out there for our husbands to fantasize about!" I was overall pretty mortified, tho I have to admit I was also really confused as to whether I'm supposed to feel flattered or insulted by this insane comment... but again back to my overall reaction, what u have to know is it was based on this being said to me at a mom's night in gathering hosted at HER house, so yes out loud across a big table (we were seated at opposite ends) in front of about a dozen other moms in attendance. I was never hiding that I pole dance, but I also wasn't ever going around talking to everyone about it either... as for wearing a tank or sweatshirt with studio logo, yes I teach during the day while my kids are in school, am required to wear thw studio logo attire, and often I'm running out of the studio after work to hop straight into my car and race over to pick them up at dismissal. No one in my family is negatively affected at all by my poling (quite the contrary I would say), but apparently in other families some are??? so sad...
Phoenix Hunter · 6/10/2015
Ugh! If seeing the words "pole dance" on a shirt threatens her marriage then that couple has serious issues that need to be worked out
polebravely · 6/10/2015
@firebird I expected fallout, just not like this. Apparently, it might have kept me from getting a job I had applied for, as it was brought up when the attornies were reviewing candidates to work in the city prosecutor's office (I am a judicial clerk at the moment and am looking for a permanent job as opposed to temporary judicial clerkships). At that time, I had not told anyone, posted videos, and everything was friends only. I have friends from law school who work where I work and this person would only have known if the people who I thought knew me best were the the ones talking it up like something bad or shameful. Anyway, luckily, I have a lot of allies. I have been much more open about it at work this last year because I have asked people to come with me. Those who do appreciate it much more. I'm just tired of the side eye. @Runemist34 I think that is what irritates me too...is that I think it is so much bull crap that I was being vilified for being a *potentially* sexual being? While I am not doing this to be a stripper and I just think it is beautiful, I really never understood the disgust associated with stripping anyway. The negative association is basically just a way to pass judgement on a woman who choose not to life their life according to the gender norm of society AND the low income population.
skramamme · 6/10/2015
As an ex stripper thank you Tesar for your thoughtful words... I *wish* I could go back to it right now because I am between work and poor, raising a kid etc. It was the ideal job when I was a younger woman as I was able to work around my depression/bipolar, whereas straight jobs don't give you that sort of flexibility. And while there were douchebags at work sometimes I also met amazing women and loved much of it too. Why we feel the need to police women's sexuality, or potential sexuality, is beyond me (well, I know why we do... hello patriarchy) but still, it gets old fast.
firebird · 6/10/2015
By the way I have to add this mom in question is an attorney too...
polebravely · 6/10/2015
*facepalm* @firebird @skramamme ugh, patriarchy. I feel it especially in this lawyer profession which I am becoming more unhappy with daily. It is a boy's club in a lot of respects. I have so many examples I have encountered in my job. There are some amazing people, there are, but overall, I just get tired of it.
zoilife6233 · 6/11/2015
Don't forget your powers and as for the "boys club" Double power to you. I don't think all the women who feel "jealous" are worried about their men. I think they are threatened by something that you have and they don't know or can't. Im a strong believer in revamping those powers in women , help them to realize their potential and build them up to be powerful asa much as men are. Men where not the reason I got into this sport. The power of women, beautiful artful performances, grace of their bodies and ability to control the audience physically and emotionally. Believe me every woman who is giving you those long sided dirty glances deep down wants it even if she is of age 60+.
Wrecklice · 6/11/2015
As someone who works in a construction project management office (so mostly older, married men), I hear a lot of comments about pole and likening it to stripping. I tend to laugh it off and answer back something to the effect of being able to bench press anyone in the office because of it (obviously exaggerated) and everyone has a laugh and goes about their business. Usually this stuff comes up during our daily morning stretching session, when we're all together in a group, and right then I have an opportunity to say "Oh yeah? Can you stretch like this? If you did pole too, you could!" The stigma is still there but I'm not ashamed because they happen to be misinformed. I just see it as my chance to get the good word out and have a laugh with a bunch of domesticated dudes who are way behind the times. My office also has a fitness program, which even pays for my classes, so that's just awesome. The girls at Corporate who take care of the paperwork for that stuff are always really curious about how my classes are going. I'm not going off and burning my bras exactly, but sexism is totally just a way to control a woman's sexuality - regardless of whether it's coming from a man OR a woman (though there are huge differences in the "why" for either sex)...because frankly, a lot of people are terrified of empowered women. When we're level-headed and confident, we get things done. I know that it's easier said than done, but a lot of us are fortunate enough to live in a world where we can, for the most part, refuse to be controlled in that manner. Obviously things are more complicated when it affects your professional life, but I find that a lot of the snarky comments and ignorant bullying is fear-motivated and can be brushed off or directly confronted in an empathetic way. At least for me, when I realized just how much negative behaviour is actually caused by fear, it allowed me to become a lot more empathetic in how I deal with the people sourcing the negativity. But anyway, just my two cents. I hope it all works out for you... :)
nuffstyles20 · 6/11/2015
When I was going for my first class in pole my mom was saying to me, why would you want to do THAT, but I just explained it to her and showed her some vids and she was ok with it. My bestfriend was allllll for it. So as long as the people the people i hold dear have no problem with it im fine, others can talk till their teeth fall out and stare till they go blind, I dont care. For your issue she sounds like she was on a mission to take you down. Ignore her and let people know its pole Its a fitness activity And that they should go and educate themselves
firebird · 6/11/2015
Sorry I write so much, esp w/these topics I get passionate about. Forgive me. But if interested I had to add a bit more of an update to above based on what I just learned from my hubby the other night. And as I launch into this story have to preface with saying I have the best sweetest and smartest and most awesome husband in the world... so he spent all last week chaperoning at a camping trip with our older son's class, alongside said mom from story above... and they had previously also both chaperoned on a camping trip with this class, & on that occasion, he had told me that the topic (of me & pole) was brought up by her, tho he pretty much was dismissive about it and so that was that. I come to find out from him NOW that on that trip 2 years ago she actually was badgering him repeatedly, he said he kept pretty much blowing her off but that she just wouldn't let it go!!! I was like "what a freak!" and he's such a big man about it that he didn't even out her fully to me when he 1st mentioned to me one day casually that she somehow brought this up on that camping trip. Anyway, it sort of gave me a whole new insight on this poor woman, who now I actually just pity more than anything. And to think how much she harassed my husband and made him uncomfortable for goodness sake! And truthfully he is much more conservative and prefers to be discreet about me poling... Fine whatever I don't care in the slightest. BUT he was so awesome that when he was telling me about all this just earlier this week, and I was so mad at hearing how much she bothered him about it, I was like "wait but I thought u really got along & clicked so well with her?!" he tells me "no way, after all that 2 years ago, I figured her out quick, and hated how it felt like she was judging both me and you over this! no way, I don't like or trust that lady at all!" I was like "whoah..." and fell in love with him all over again. Especially when he followed with this: "yeah it's not my fault or problem when other women out there let themselves go or feel like they're supposed to neglect themselves and be frumpy-looking women to be good moms to their kids... so it shouldn't be their problem if some women out there DO take care of themselves and know how to keep having fun. I'm not gonna apologize for having a sexy wife who still knows how to work it..." so there u have it.
Phoenix Hunter · 6/11/2015
firebird, WTF?! that lady needs to get a life. that is just sad and weird. she's sounds a little bit too preoccupied with you and pole dancing. haha!
polebravely · 6/13/2015
Great discussion guys. I definitely feel like most of it is fear based or a deep seeded longing to also join in the fun! I'm going to try and take in stride and just keep being positive about it. I like to share my videos to help promote the studio. I'm not that advanced, but every time I learn something new I just feel so happy and that much more confident. It's like the best. I do remember a time when I did not feel that way though. Pole has helped me so much. Maybe that's the ultimate fear for these women and men, actually liking themselves and at the same time appreciating someone else. They aren't exclusive.
zoilife6233 · 6/13/2015
Very well said Tesar. Respect Carry yourself proudly ladies
Catsanctuary177663 · 6/15/2015
Runemist34, totally agree. When I was in the clubs it was nice to be able to do "tricks" on the pole but the majority of time is spent connecting with each customer. They are not going to throw money at you for doing a good invert. I learned the pole because it was fun for ME,not because it increased my income. And yes, we ARE building a new label, a new definition. It's called LADIES WHO ARE ATHLETES THAT ROCK! When my male friends see my pole sometimes I get comments like "oh, can I have a demonstration?" to which I say "NO". It is not a joke or fodder for rumors, it is a serious skill-based sport.
ncooke19754965 · 6/15/2015
Laugh at the comments and be proud that you are poler. We can't change people but we csn challenge them