engaged but really becoming unsure....

glitterhips · 2012-11-13T14:22:10+00:00

hi veeners I am in a bit of a messy situation and really confused/hurt/upset by it and need advice from you lovely ladies. as some of you know i got engaged over the summer we have been together for 3 years this october. this is the only boyfriend i have never had an on again/off again thing with. we have stayed together the whole 3 years and been living together for the past 2 years, 11 months and 2 weeks. so we basically are around each other 24/7. he is 31 i am 26. we moved in with my family about a year ago to save money, he does hair and i am in the restaurant business and working on opening my own cupcake delivery business. we havent really been able to afford to move out but on the same note we have never really tried as we have admittedly gotten comfortable at my parents' house because they don't charge us rent, we just help with household cleaning etc. our living situation is definitely stressful and my family is very involved in what we're doing etc. my fiance doesn't speak to his family, hasn't spoken to them in over 4 years nor seen them, i have not met them and they won't be at the wedding if we have it. he is mostly used to being on his own and moved to chicago from st louis by himself about 8 years ago. so thats the background, this morning we had an argument that started off small and has now gotten so big i am thinking of breaking off our engagement after his behavior. he was upset about having to clean the house for our engagement party thats this weekend because today is his last day off before the work week. i have similar frustrations but i already know what the expectations are of us so i dont ever let them get to me. i told him i would clean the laundry room to help him because he had someone coming to our house for a hair cut, and when he came in and saw me mopping the floor he got super upset because i wasnt "doing it the right way" and "making more work for him" i got really defensive/upset because i felt like, hey…

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Runemist34 · 11/13/2012
Honestly, it's very strong of you to be able to come and say that you were upset and perhaps exaggerated slightly. I am very happy that you feel that way toward your man, and I'm also very happy that you're seeking help, because it shows that you both are commited and want it to work! Also, your cupcake delivery service sounds awesome. I wish I lived closer to you ;)
FuzzyNavel · 11/13/2012
Just noticed I must have been writing my post when you were posting your response. Good for you...take care sweety. I wish I was closer!
PlatinumAni · 11/13/2012
You follow that beautiful heart of yours. It will lead you in the right direction, if you listen. Even though you LOVE him your heart will tell you if/when it is time to go. In the end you have to do what is best for you. I have walked away from 2 very sincere loves irreconcilable diference I suppse. 1 tried to control me, the other couldn' control their consumption issues. (as in anything to get *pardon me* F***ED up) I was silly enogh to think I could help in that situation..... Now I am married and giong on a year.... let me say; not even the first year is easy and we had lived togehter on our own or 4 years. We still suck at fighting, but it gets better all the time. I am mean..... he sulls up..... neither approach helps. So then we scream *mega helpul*.... Anyway at the end we know for us it is worth it. Generally we resolve our issues and that one is of the table. The fights are less often and even better they rarely escalate into the above now. I am here either way. you have my number. Text, call, show up at the door and you crash in my comy chair and a half by the fireplace, pole in the next room. Whatever ;)
tigerlillies · 11/14/2012
How you are before marriage is how you will be after. If you let someone treat or talk to you anyway and alwaysaaccept it they won't change you go into how you want it to be. If you are strong and independent then be strong and independent there are guys who value and like that if you are needy there's guys out there who like that too. I was in a long relationship he was my world my best friend the father of my kids I did what you did and catered to him first even had same situation as yours. It started with just words and moved to him kicking my @ss almost killing me a few times. Not saying yours will get to that point but you never know if someone is showing signs like that you have to listen to your heart it knows what you should do. If he's stressed then he should know you are too and that bring you together and Mayne he has too many issues dealing with his life and family to make such a huge commitment right now. Or he might have doubts too you should talk calmly if that doesn't work ask him to write what's wrong and how he thinks you guys can fix it and you do the same and exchange papers but NEVER marry someone because deep down you don't want to be alone. I have been single for a little over 6 yrs at first hardbutility with time I got to know myself and my dreams and wants in a partner so when I do meet someone I can make better choices. Cause like u said if he's like this now how will it be when married and have kids living in own home and things tight or he's not getting much business or god forbid gets fired are those gonna stress him out to cause him to flip? Cause with three kids I know it's stressful and hard do you want a family with him if these little trials is too much for him
zoeyxxxx · 11/14/2012
:) glad I could help. Just coz things get heated dose not mean he dunt love you or respect you. We all do stuff in the moment. And like I said living with your parents proberly puts a big dint in his pride.to be truthful I dnt think you need counciling between you. You both need to talk you both need your own thinking time. From a mans point of view. N ill be honest in on a gay relationship o have the thoughts of a man. Ir my Mrs asked me to go to counsiling is be sat thinking why the hell do I want sum one else sticking there noise in my relationship. You find living with parents ishsrd. You have not my space you too. Your restricted to whatyou can do were you can do things. All the exciting stuff and good stuff thst cum in a relationship. I start water fiights in my house for fun. I like to walk round naked lol. And I like to do the bedroom stuff everywere in my house. All this sort of stuff is limited for use. You will find yourself miles happier wen you have your own place :) thst I would promise xxx
JhennD · 11/14/2012
How People Change = Insight Effort AND Will. I have this on so many things I can look at daily, and sometimes I forget. It is hard to live with emotions sometimes and it's harder to live productively with chemical imbalances that allow the shift of emotions take over inappropriately. If you can remember what it means to be a person who can feel wonderful, safe, loved, feels certain. You feel-think-be-positive easier; and its easier to recover when a situation can make you feel just the opposite. I feel unsafe when life challenges me to reevaluate who I am and where I'm 'going'. I feel threaten and become (politely) unfair person to those around/care for me. This could be it. This would be a good exercise for you, your partner, your relationship: take some time to write out a list of questions and answer them yourselves separately, then exchange the unanswered list & answer the others' list, then meet together and discuss. With these questions ask and answer life, relationship, 'just because' items you want and need to know. For example: Do you know a plan (financially, emotionally,etc) if you or your partner lost their job? How would you want your partners plan to be ideally? When stressed out- do you have the awareness that its an external influence? Does your partner pick up on that- would you want the relationship to be that intimate? What is savings? When is it okay to use and not? Ask any question. This would be good knowing your plan, boundaries, and what you would be willing to accept. Don't forget it ask and answer "why" after the answer- quantify your reasonings! This exercise is one exercise done in couples therapy. It is free now (as in no cost at all for a therapist). It shows to both of you that you are willing to take the time to do this. It can be in months and be done regularly if desired. My sister asked for me to compose a list of questions for her and her (first husband to be) he thought it was ridiculous and didn't do it. After 3 years their marriage fell apart. The second husband to be did the exercise with her- and it was a GREAT exercise that enhanced their relationship they both recommend it to others prior to marriage. The thing I would suggest is take about a month, be honest, make sure when discussing the list- make it a safe place to be in. Go over, financial, children, employment, health, moral, social, life, family, friends, fidelty, religious/spiritual topics. These topics are most root cause of reasons couples/ or partnered people go to therapy. For me I like to know my partner puts the relationship first over me. I put the relationship over him/her first. That means we are willing to do what's right, not always what feels good-lazy-in a slump. Be you!
OzarkSiren · 11/14/2012
I would have really opened my mouth had I not read Veena's post. She seems to know the situation. How many men have I told to F**k off in my lifetime? : ) I remember throwing a gallon of milk at my 1st hubby's head. I was hot headed when I was younger. Get out of your parent's house and get out on your own. That is the best way to get to really know one another. But I have to say do not waste time on someone you are not happy with. Do not get married unless you are sure. Give it time. Good Luck.
Layla Duvay · 11/16/2012
*hugs* counselling is an excellent idea! I think you should NOT go ahead with wedding plans until you sort everything out--get you grown up lives on track. When you're living with parents, it's easy to fall into child roles and behaviour. It might be a struggle out on your own, but it will be YOUR struggle and you will find out if your relationship can withstand the grown up life together. When I met Ken, I was raising three kids on government assistance and going to school full time. He worked part time so money was scarce, but we DID it! We delivered fliers together on weekends and cut corners, but it was great because we were a team and a soft place to fall for each other. It really solidified our marriage. Love you, girl! XO