Disheartened

Empty started this discussion · 7/31/2012

Something happened last class and I need somewhere to let it out and hear outside views so here it goes....{Sorry its so long!} My last class started great as it was just me, another girl and the teacher. We practiced our usual spins and climbs, putting together little combos as we go. The usual bad ass Level 2 class. Then we got to inverts which is my love/hate thing. I am still timid about it but i can do it once i get past that initial shock. Well this time I got brave and successfully did a invert into a handstand without needing a spotter. I was beyond thrilled and flat out pumped as most people are when they face a fear. But my teacher took my enthusiasm a little too far. She got her usual excited and showed us the "Scorpio" to try. The other girl did it without a thought cause she has a pole at home and is more Level 3 then anything. I, on the other hand, was not feeling it. One cause its upside down and letting go which I'm still just getting use to. Two, it required me taking off my tank top {a'la sports bra & shorts}. I am a naturally small girl {100lbs & 5'5}, always have been, even after having my daughter. Its purely genetics and I've been "hated" on and passive-aggressive commented on all my life for it. So naturally I try my hardest to dress rather conservative to minimize unwanted female comments. I have my personal flaw like everyone else, mainly the obvious mommy stretch marks that circle my popped out belly button like a sun. So when the Scorpio required me to take my tank top off I panicked and said no. I felt uncomfortable showing my personal flaws and I just wasn't ready yet to be that "exposed". But the teacher and the other student didn't understand and started saying things like "If i had your body I would be half naked all the time" and etc. Which made me even MORE uncomfortable cause I hate when people say things like that about me. I then felt guilty for not trying the move, felt a sort of failed peer pressure and by the end i was a "dark cloud" mess just wanting to leave. At one point I was on the floor watching a spider in the window cause I just gave up trying. Now its all hanging over me, making me question if i want to go to class this week. I'm mad at myself for not pushing past my comfort zone and then felt like a loser for "not keeping up". I'm mad that they made snide comments about my size like most women do. Then on top of it, we are to pick out our own music for a little future performance and I'm a "rocker" girl so I naturally want something fast and fun {not new age stuff she plays}. She totally made fun of it and basically said It was a horrible idea cause I wouldn't be able to keep up. I'm a dancer! I know timing! I practically breathe choreography. I just have yet to come out of my shell. I want a song i can feel not a song I can sleep too. Humph! So yeah, I'm on all levels disheartened and I don't know what to do about it. Its been festering and bothering me since. I obviously love pole dancing sooooo much or this wouldn't bother me. Thoughts?

17 replies

chemgoddess1 · 7/31/2012
Talk to the instructor one on one and if you do not get any where with her talk to the owner. BTW, you do not have to take your top all the way off to do scorpio. You can lift the one side and tuck it into your sports bar or just roll it up a bit.
Milena Stoyanova · 7/31/2012
Hi LittleEngine, I am sorry to hear that your teacher and class mate were so provocative to you. I would not accept such an attitude and comments about your body. The most important is to be yourself and respect yourself. When you feel ready you will do the trick and not because they push you. If you are "rocker" girl, then prepare something that will blow their mind, just show who you are on stage and that you can dance it. I am sure it will change their attitude to you. If not, it's their business! Maybe the best is to express what and how you felt; change the studio if their attitude is unbearable...
HellOnHeelsNH · 7/31/2012
My thoughts us that "teacher" is an asshole! No one who teaches should ridicule or allow others to make comments on another persons body type! Skinny or fuller figured, doesn't matter, she shouldn't be teaching if she can't have her class 1. Judgment free 2. Trying to force people into stuff they are not ready for 3. Would she allow those comment to a larger woman? She shouldn't be teaching! The first things I will teach when I start my class is to love your self and free expression isn't that what pole us about? Not upstaging each other, but supporting one another...she should not be letting people create a uncomfortable environment...i wouldn't take her class again and I would go in and tell her how unprofessional she is!
poledanceromance · 7/31/2012
Was in the instructor who made the comment about your song choice? If so that's something I personally would not tolerate hearing from an instructor, and as an instructor I would never say something like that. If it was another student who said that to you, I think you should bring to the instructor's attention that the other student(s) is/are making you uncomfortable. As for feeling self-conscious, I really empathize with you because I've had similar experiences. Self-confidence about my body is a recent feature in my life and if I had a nickel for every time I've gotten one of those "if I were your size..." comments....ugh. Now that I have a more positive self-image, I've learned that when women say that what you're really hearing is a genuine compliment that is colored by and buried underneath their own negative body-image. They have the same hate of some parts of themselves that you do, and wind up insulting you because that hate comes out in the comments. If there are specific things being said that bother you, by all means bring those up in a calm way and handle the issue. It sounds like the class environment isn't really supportive, and that's something you can address with the staff or even try to find a new studio if possible. But also remember that people will always make comments, and you ultimately have to work on embracing and loving yourself so your positivity comes from inside and shields you from all that. Don't let there be a cloud deep inside of you that can grow and engulf you. Really question what the shame and fear and anxiety does to your life, ask yourself where it comes from, ask yourself what changes it has made in your life and what you do (that you don't want to do) to accomodate it. Shine a light right on that BS and burn it away. Stop looking at a 2"x2" patch on your belly and step back in the mirror, see the whole you and the powerful body that made life and protects life and lives life. That's the body that carries you in this world, and that's amazing. And nothing to be ashamed of. And if people like that are going to STILL make the comments whether you cover up or not, then why try to prevent it? Why not live open and proud and without the fear and set yourself free from the things about other people that you can't change?
dustbunny · 7/31/2012
I think poledanceromance has nailed it on the head in a lot of ways! The instructor and other student were (in their own way) complimenting you on your body, not being mean or nasty. Try to remember that, and think of it that way. :) I've had people say similar things to me too, and even though I have my own body issues (like most women), I have learned to just say thankyou and not put too much time into what I really think about it. As for the music, that was not appropriate especially coming from an instructor! There is a way to dance to just about anything, regardless of ability. I am a bit of a "rocker" myself, and not into a lot of newer "pop music". I also don't have a lot of stamina for a hard and fast rock and roll routine to most of my favorite songs. I make do though. I usually dance at half the pace of the song, but try to do a couple kick ass rockin combos, with a slower section inbetween to catch my breath. :) I say do whatever song you want and show her how it's done! Above all don't be disheartened about your classes, you will learn the scorpio (and any other move you want) in time. You are not a loser for not keeping up, you are just right for who and where you are. When it feels right, you will get it. :) And chem is right, you don't HAVE to take off your top completely for it, just roll up one side and tuck it under your bra. That is all the skin you need, I did it for years!
adAstra · 7/31/2012
Poledanceromance is absolutely right. People just don't get how rude it is to comment on your body size for being thin. I've been accused of being anorexic, going to the bathroom after eating (apparently to puke), and I always get the comments on how I "need to eat." So natuarally when I look down at my belly and see some pouch from having a baby I think how bad I really look. For me it took getting a full size mirror to see that I do, in fact, look really great! Look at the bigger picture and when they make those comments, be blunt. Tell them "you're making me uncomfortable" or "it's not polite to talk about people's weight" and they will get annoyed, but at least it will stop and won't be an issue anymore. I've found out that sometimes just blurting is the best answer because they are totally missing that they're doing something insulting! I think when people make those comments it just makes you focus on your imperfections more. As for your music, they don't get it and like poldanceromance said, that's their problem. You have to dance to their style of music and you try to, that says how great you are. Bet they couldn't dance to yours!
Eden Body · 7/31/2012
I've gotten rude comments all my life about being skinny--from men, women and family. I'm naturally thin but in my culture (black/caribbean) it's more appealing to be curvy or thick. There was a point in my life where I heard so much of these insults that I hated my body (especially as a child/adolescent) . I still struggle with it because that negative thinking is so ingrained and it's a process to switch to more life enhancing positve thoughts but I'm learning more & more to ignore irrelevant assholes.........and so should you😉 and as for the song choice.........dance to the beat of your own drum❤️
Dwiizie · 7/31/2012
Good luck with this situation! Just wanted to say something about the size thing... While I've never called people "anorexic" or "sickly skinny" I HAVE said things starting with "OMG If I had your body I'd (wear bikinis, rock that mini, etc etc)" I always say it MEANING it as a compliment, basically saying "You've got it going on, if only I could be as bodily blessed" No one has ever told me I hurt their feelings (not that it hasn't happened, I just never KNEW till now that this could bother someone) I guess it would be comparable to people always saying things about my "curves" how I should be wearing this or that. They don't realize one of the curves is in front in the shape of a jelly belly! I know no one wants that hanging out in strings and triangles. <3!
Eden Body · 7/31/2012
Yeah, I think the instructor and student were just admiring her size.....my experiences were/are more like adAstra's comment.
Mz Kitty · 7/31/2012
Wow... so glad that I read this. As a curvy girl I often think that the grass is greener on the other side. I would have more choices in finding pole attire, I would get the Superman a bit easier, I would be lighter and thus inverts and all other things are easier. I know I have said " God knew who to give your figure to because I would walk around in a bikini at the supermarket let alone the beach". Believe it or not some people say things like that with no intention of hurting someone else and may be really unconscious or insensitive to the fact that these comments are hurting someone. I will think differenlty about it but is there room to admire each other and not be hurtful? Comments about eating disorders are totally rude and can only be mean. But I wonder if any and every comment on size or figure is painful. Honestly I would not have thought so. Tough to get into an activity like pole and have sensitive body issues but many of us struggle with just that. I found that pole actually is the only place where I am free to be okay with being sexy. Believe it or not, the coca cola figure that I have is not a friend to most garments... a very particular cut fits well over ample breast a small waiste and curvy hips. So there are days I celebrate my shape and days (usually when shopping and admiring something gorgeous that won't work with my frame) that I wish I were a little less curvy. Being curvy has left it's fair share of scars as well. Being shapely and curvy from the start of puberty meant I got unwelcomed attention from older boys and men at a time when I was too immature to understand the weight of what they were saying. On the flip side, I was blammed because obviously I had to be "fast". But to some feeble minds, my curvy shape meant that I had to have had some sort of stimulation to have developed so quickly. All this started before I even had my first kiss, or had a boy carry my books home from school. Will I vow to never comment on someone's shape or figure.. NO. I know that I will continue to admire my friends who are thin when we are shopping, when they pull of a great pole move or just in general. I think they look hot and I make sure to tell them, actually as women I don't think we compliment each other enough. With the media always helping us find new ways that we don't measure up we NEED to compliment each other. But I will be conscious of comments that somehow treat women with suspicion or contempt for being thin or possessing the alleged ideal body type. It's finally okay to be sexy and that comes in all shapes and sizes. I don't want our need to be sensitive to remove our ability to honor the sexiness that we possess just because we are girls... big or small. Where is the happy medium where we can be our true selves not just who we have been forced to become out of hurt???
Empty · 7/31/2012
You guys are amazing. I've read everything like a 100 times. ❤️ I adore my teacher and she probably had good intentions. At least i hope. The weight/size thing is my sore spot. No matter how much positive "armor" i build over it, the moment someone makes the comment its all over. Especially if its someone I like/admire. I'm like "Oh why do we have to go here....i like you...no..." in my head. Cause then it becomes a thing usually. Like a jab. The older I'm getting the less jabs I accept. You would think after like 15+ year I would be use to it by now. The music thing, well she's been blowing me off on that since i started. I never liked her music she plays. Its slow and she always has it on like low mumble. Turn that shi* up! This isn't yoga! lol. [I'm sticking with my fast music for my piece btw.} Now that its out of my head, I'm going let it all go and sign up for this week. Use that negative energy and get artsy with it. Thank you all for the awesome advice, comments, and just giving a damn. 🥂<- that's a hug.
jade s · 7/31/2012
I'm so sorry you were disheartened by your experience. I think we've all had those moments at one time or another, and most of the time, the person commenting meant it as a compliment rather than anything derogatory. I'm sure your instructor and classmate didn't realize and thought that their comments would actually make you feel better instead of worse. If you feel comfortable with your instructor it may be a good idea to just let her know how those type of comments make you feel. As far as the rock song...go for it! I was always the oddball in class because I chose rock when everyone else picked R&B. If you're a dancer, then that's probably your strength and your comfort zone, and that's perfect. I think that most people should start with what they feel comfortable with and then give themselves small challenges that take them out of their comfort zone a little bit. If you love what you're doing, don't let these people steal your thunder. And good for you for standing your ground with the Scorpio. Chemmie had great advice about that if it's a matter of feeling too exposed. Take care! Hugs!!
Legend · 8/1/2012
ok... here it goes, maybe I shouldn't say anything, but as an instructor I also feel the need to vent. I'm not defending your instructor in any way, I dont know her, i wasn't there, what she meant or said and what you understood may be very diferent and it only leads to pointless endless discussion. About body issues and being skinny, well.. everyone already covered everything, just let me add, being skinny I've learned to take the compliments, along with the jealousy, rudeness, curses and stupid comments and I've learned to never ever NEVER complain or say anything about other girls body, aparently if your skinny you're not even "allowed" to , oh and god forbit the other girl is slightly tick, everything you say will sound as an insult to her... As an instructor, I'm still learning to deal with students, and I've often said I'd rather be teaching men, because.. ppfff girls you are complicated!! I'm portuguese and teaching in the UK. I thougth the language barrier would be the worse, but its the culture. I'm very down to earth, direct, honest, some would say i dont have a social filter... maybe its true, but I also believe that as a teacher you need to point out the good and the bad in order to learning and progress to happen. imagine if your school teacher only market your exams right or with happy smiles so it wouldnt hurt your feelings? what would happen when you get a job?... anyway.. just an example of something that happened first week teachihg here that really annoyed me. I saw a student in class trying a move she wasnt ready (other instructor tought her previously) I could tell she was struggling and going like that she was going to hurt herlsef badly, so i went to her and said "no no, dont do it like that, try this... and that (and helped her into position), see, better? great!" she seemed pleased... imagined my surprised when after class my boss informed me that the feedback from my classes were: 1. i was too rude, or gave that impression, because I diddnt smile or make a big fuss out of everything. - and no, I rarely smile, its my nature, that doesnt mean i'm a bad person or rude... and it sure doesnt mean i'm a bad instructor! sigh... and second, i had a complain that I was mean for a student, saying she was doing things wrong and it hurt her feelings...! I was like... really?!! she WAS doing it wrong and if i had praised it of kept my mouth shut she would get hurt, i mean seriously, injured type of hurt! from my point of view I didnt think i was mean or rude, certainly wasn't my intention, but that's how it was perceived by the student... and, since like in any business, the costumer (student) is always right, I had to agree and apologise... :/ and then i've been instructed to always praise first, even if its wrong, correct and than praise some more... -_- I can't express how much that makes me cringe for so many reasons... fortunately not everyone is so sensitive and the ones who can take a critic are the ones who progress faster and do things better, those are the ones who make me pround and at least that gives some confort! :) all this to say... instructors, like skinny girls, have feeling too. we are always the villan no matter what.. we are the escape goats of your frustrations, always responsible when something goes wrong and never able to complain of express any feeling about it. I see many posts from students venting about their instructors, but not the other way around. In the end we are just human like you, and probably love pole dance just as much or even more to be teaching it. so... think about it.. and next time you have an issue with your instructor, instead of feeling disheartned and brooking for days hating her and venting here, just talk to her... :)
adAstra · 8/1/2012
Legend, that is tough. I don't think LittleEngine was talking about misinterpreting correction but rather that her instructor was pushing too hard and made fun of her regarding her music. Add that to comments about her size and it was all too much together.
Empty · 8/1/2012
Legend, I totally see where your coming from and thank you so much for your perspective on this. AdAstra has it right. I can't say my teacher is the villian nor thought of her as one. I adore her and i think the whole situation was a build up frustration and misunderstandings in general. I'm trying to see it as we are two different people trying to figure each other out. She's energetic and fast in her ways while i'm timid and tend to overthink. We're naturally going to butt heads a little. She really hasn't seen all i have in this "tiny frame" and if she would just calm down and listen i think we'd get there. Time will tell really. {Hopefully santa will deliver a pole of my own if things don't work out.}
Sarah77 · 8/1/2012
First of all, let me congratulate you on getting your invert successfully. I had so much trouble with it when i first started and i remember the fear very well. Though i did crack my rib when i didnt straighten my arms as i pulled my legs up (which meant i slammed sideways into the pole), so i had a little extra fear of it after that. But it soon becomes second nature. I dont think you were given enough credit for doing that, and then to try to rush into another move stright away knocked your new found confidence. Now, im 5'4 and have always been slender, and like you i fitted into my clothes just days after my children were born. I grew up with poeple asking if i was anoriexic, told i had spaghetti legs, and though now 34 i'm still waiting to grow some boobs, so i totally get how it feels. I didnt even wear shorts the first few months of pole class. I just pulled my tracksuit legs up as and when the moves demanded, and the baggy t-shirt stayed longer, as i too have an outy that seems all the more pronounced as i'm so slim. Luckily i have a very supportive class where we are all shapes and sizes, and now we all wear hardly anything at all (short shorts and sports bras). Its difficult for most women to feel comfortable getting to that level of near nakedness, but it truly helps with your grip on the pole. Everyone reaches certain stages also where they just plateux, you seem to not advance, but every time you try, you're building your muscle memory, and one day i promise you'll just get it. Its like your body finally recognises its own centre of gravity and works with you (till you try another more advanced move that you know you should be able to do but just cant get), but eventually you get that too. Whichever music makes you 'feel' is music to pole to. But it is tricky trying to fit the moves into faster songs, but you're a dancer, so i'm sure it'll be easier for you than it was for me, though if you do go with a fast song, i suggest you have easier alternate moves for just incase you can't get the right grip or feel unsafe trying the more difficult ones in front of the class. Having a pole at home helped me, i could be in skimpy clothes to practice in without fearing the judgement of everyone else, but again, i only got my pole after i'd been poling six+ months. I wanted one sooner, but when you have kids, there are other things you need to buy first. Anyway, I haven't really said much that everyone else hasn't already stated, but it is nice to know you're not alone, and that people do care, so take it easy, keep trying, and once again congratulation on your invert. Sorry for droning on, just one more thing, when it comes to the scorpio, try doing it in stages. Firstly be keeping both hands on and getting you leg position correct, as its scary as hell the first time you take that other leg off. And though the grip you get on your side will help, if you get your legs in the right position first, the skin there can hold you without your side (i know, remember the baggy t-shirt i wore), then once you have one leg off try just removing alternate hands so you can feel your bady weight pull on the contact with you leg. You'll be amazed just how much grip that has on its own, then i promise, its just a matter of time before your inverting straight into a scorpio, and switching to a gemini with no hands at all. Best wishes Sarah x
Black Orchid · 8/2/2012
I'm sorry you felt bad after your class and I hope you resolve your issues with your instructor...I have another perspective to offer, which I hope you will consider. It is clear that you have some rooted insecurities about your body. No one has the right to push you to overcome them...only you can. However, sometimes people really don't mean to wound you as much as you might think. Maybe they should have just let you alone but your instructor sounded excited to push you further AND I bet she really didn't think she was hurting your feelings, and I don't mean that in an insensitive way....your story made me think a little bit back to my college days when I gave a girl I liked what I thought was a poetic compliment about her body and she bit my head off because she was super-wound up about her body image. I felt terrible and I had truly meant to be complimentary :( In the end she had to deal with her issues in her own way and we are good friends again. As far as the music...was that what she really said or was that what you felt she meant? EIther way, consider this...maybe it is your teacher's belief that you could benefit from choosing music that might get you to slow down and do things with control? Again, something I experienced with an instructor of mine (although she was far more diplomatic)...and even though I do love fast music....it turned out she was right and my pole playlist is an eclectic selection of slow songs for training purposes. Try ( if not this time) a slow song that still has all the beats, hits intensity of your favourite style and see how it goes. I'm not discounting your feelings or anyone else's words of support here...just suggesting stepping back for a minute. Since you say you like your instructor, I'd also suggest you find a way to talk to her about how you felt and ask some questions about her approach..that way you understand each other better. Good luck!