Dirty Laundry - Not Pole Related (advice)

cbr600girl started this discussion · 5/22/2009

I have never aired my dirty laundry and have never had drama. I feel like the scum of the earth for what I've done lately. My bf and I have been together for almost 5 years. He is in construction and will be taking his contractor's license test on Wednesday. He has been working almost a month on a bathroom remodel for a young couple with marital problems. It seems the wife and my bf have become good friends. They go alot of places together like lunch, home depot, stores, etc. She bought him a laptop and a sweatshirt and was going to buy him some other stuff. The reason for buying him stuff was that she couldn't really afford extra work he did so she wanted to put stuff on credit for him! They text eachother all day and into the early morning hours (past midnight). She goes to him with her problems with her husband and stuff. I am not gonna lie I've gone through his texts, especially when his phone goes off at 1am. I've never done this. It's been pretty innocent like, "thanks for being there for me", "I went to bed crying", "thanks for all of your hard work", "just wanted to see if you made it home ok". Things like that. He's been asking her advice on him starting his business and she's offered to give him startup money, get shirts made for him, etc. He also took his test study materials to her house so she could help him study. In an email he sent her, he said he wanted her to look over his resume and make any changes since he "values her opinion". She is a lawyer, but I am the one who does contracting with the government so I am pretty sure I know some things about business. The kicker was the email she sent him at 2:30 this morning. She was going on how her hubby came home drunk and she was going to file divorce papers today after work. The part that made me cry? She told my boyfriend,"Have fun at the river this weekend! Try to go with a possitive attitude and get to know why you fell in with Selena in the first place again". It seems he's been talking about our relationship with this stranger and it sounds like he doesn't feel the same way about me any more. We've had our problems in the past and worked through them, so I thought. That statement makes it sound like he is unsure of his feelings for me. I am scared he may be falling for her and that is why he is unsure. I am so scared and sad. I know thisngs will get bad when he finds out I've been reading his email (he gave me his password to send resumes for him) and reading his texts. I am so sad and now my weekend is ruined!

7 replies

staceyanne28 · 5/22/2009
Oh sweetie, my heart is breaking for you right now. Let me tell you from past experience a couple things. First, DO NOT feel guilty about looking. He has been spending extra energy, time, and attention on another woman and you are justified in feeling suspicious about that. You followed your instinct that something was wrong, so I commend you for doing that instead of ignoring it. Secondly, I don't know if there is a physical affair going on or not, but whether or not there is, your bf's relationship with this woman has become inappropriate. From what you said, it sounds like this is an emotional affair. An emotional affair is when someone invests more emotional energy into someone outside of their relationship, and seeks emotional support and companionship from this person outside of their relationship. This is very damaging, and the stronger their emotional bond becomes, the more likely it will turn into a full blown affair. I'm sorry if I'm being too blunt, and I'm not trying to hurt you, but I'm telling you this because this needs to end NOW before something happens! If you bf is having problems with you, then he needs to go to YOU! He should not be going to, and getting advice from a woman who is having problems in her own relationship. She isn't a councelor and is not qualified to be giving out relationship advice. No doubt this woman is using your bf as a replacement for her hubby because she is having problems with him. You need to talk to your bf, tell him what you read, and ask him what is going on. If he is having problems with the relationship, how can you fix them if he doesn't tell you? How can you work on things together? He needs to end his friendship with this woman and only have business contact with her regarding the work he is doing for her, and that's it! No more texting at 2 am...that is just sooo wrong, and disrespectful to you! Oh boy...sorry to go off about it. You have to do what is right for you, and I obviously am not there and don't know what's going on. If you want me to share my story with you, message me and I would be glad to talk. But if I were you, I would put my foot down, because what your bf is doing is wrong, and I don't want to see you get hurt more than you already have. And that's all that will come from his inappropriate relationship with her....people being hurt.
untamedshrew · 5/22/2009
cbr, I'm so sorry for your pain! Your subject included the word advice. Are you sure you want advice? No one but you can know what's best for you. But as a third party, I can make some impartial observations. As someone whose marriage is probably falling apart, I can sympathisize. As a crisis worker, I can listen and offer support. First, you have no reason to feel like scum of the earth for what you've done! Your gut told you something was wrong, so you did some investigating and confirmed it. Your bf and this other woman seem awfully inappropriately close. They've only known each other a month? You're scared and sad he may be falling for her. Understandably. They are sharing intimate feelings. Perhaps they are just friends. If so, he's giving much of his time and support to her instead of you. Either way, just the fact that you are devastated by his actions indicates something about your relationship is not meeting your needs. If your realtionship was strong, you would trust that he isn't doing anything wrong. It sounds like you're worried about how he will react to your actions. He will be less likely to react with anger or get defensive if you approach him with concern instead of accusatory. Also focusing on how you feel will help communication. "I" statements rather than "you" statements are more productive. For example "I feel neglected" rather than "You're ignoring me". Perhaps discussing this relationship with this woman will open up some honest dialogue between you. Within every crisis lies an opportunity for growth and change. Whatever happens, know you will be ok. If you want to talk to someone anonymously, the crisis line I work on runs 24-7 at 800-231-1127. And if you end up needing someone to kick his ass, Amcut and I are the SV Enforcers. 😈 😉
cali · 5/22/2009
ow hun i know how you are feeling. 😢 dont feel bad i agree with everyone else here!!! 👍 we are here for you and this is such a great sight. im sorry for what you are going threw i know how hard and upseting it must be. just be honest with him wxpress your conserns. tell him ow you feel or try and see if on there next "lunch" you can go out with them as well and then see how they act with eachother you know. look for any looks or words that may be concerning you know just let it be known that he is yours!!!!! ❗ but in a settle manor heheheh kind of hehe 💪 and if you are that uneasy about it ( i would be) but that is me. cut it off telhim that there is no more of this girl thing that you dont like it!!!!! and it needs to stop but for real i think you should go on an outing with them and look for ANY sighns that may e concerning. good luck sweetie!!!
amcut · 5/22/2009
I don't like it. Not one bit. I don't like text messaging other women. I don't like emails. I don't like laptop gifts or lunches. I don't like it when people get together and whine about their relationships. Even the best relationships get a good stick of malcontent from a whine-fest. Granted, I don't like privacy. I didn't marry my best friend so we could have secret conversations with other people. If you want to talk about your feelings with our marriage- you better talk to me first! Or a qualified professional. But not some street woman who probably wants to throw a wrench in our relationship because lord knows misery loves company. You don't have to say, "I am looking through your text messages and emails because you are acting like a snatch". You could say, "I'm afraid." or, "I feel like we're becoming distanced", or, "How would you feel if some young buck was text messaging me at 2:00 am? My handsome and well endowed boss would -never- disrespect you like that." Just have the first conversation where you express your insecurities. If he continues being inappropriate, go ahead and confess to your spywork and explain why it feels like betrayal. Don't let him turn it around on you- you have a good defense. Fear. If he starts with, "You don't trust me?", just walk out the damned door because only liars use that one.
Veena · 5/22/2009
Oh I'm sorry this is going on. You really need to talk to him about it for sure! Let him know how his relationship with her make you feel. Don't point fingers, but let him know its hurting you. Having your significant other confiding in someone of the opposite sex is always tricky business. Let him know how you feel....were her for ya, go pole out your sad and angry feeling too!!! Crank the music up and dance!
Foxy_Rei · 5/23/2009
You're getting a lot of good advice from the other girls, but I got so upset in reading this I had to add my 2 cents. This is exactly how relationships with other people start, and I know first hand - and not from the good side. I've had serious relationships with the few guys I've been with but I ended up finding a good friend in another guy and fell for them. Almost exactly the same picture your b/f is painting with this woman. And even if it's not going quite that far in that direction, no matter how you cut it this relationship is inappropriate like the other girls are saying. If the woman can't pay for the work in cash, then she shouldn't be trying to make up for it by being all buddy-buddy with him. Casual friends may be acceptable, but that still doesn't include text messages at all hours of the night and early morning. But this needs to be resolved, now. Harboring these feelings only builds resentment whether you realize it or not. And if in the event he is having doubts, if you keep these feelings to yourself it will come out negatively towards him and it may drive him further away. And on that note, be careful how you handle this situation when you confront him about it. In the relationships I had that ended because of this scenario, my now exes confronted me about it and they acted like such jerks about it that I didn't like that side of them; and it put a rather stressful, fight-filled end to the relationship. That was because the guys got really defensive of me like I was personal property and weren't sensitive to the fact that there was something missing from the relationship; and instead of trying to fix it so I didn't have to go somewhere else to get it, they just got angry and resentful. I'm not saying I was in the right, either, but the harsh words could have been avoided a lot easier. So yes, definitely address this, promptly, and as calmly as possible. Talk it over and try not to let voices be raised, even if it doesn't turn out like you had hoped. Keep us posted and we're all here for you! *hugs*
Trena · 5/30/2009
Oh cbr, you poor thing! I got upset for you when i read this post! When I read the bit in the email about you I actually got a horrible twinge in my stomach so I cant imagine how that made you feel. The ladies have given you some great advice, we're all here for you no matter what. I think you really need to talk to your boyfriend about this because if you dont it'll eat you up inside. Do try to broach the subject calmly (easier said than done, yes!). You know him better than anyone so hopefully you can sort it out with him soon. Please let us know what happens. I'll be thinking of you x