Can you guys tell me if I'm being too sensitive?

glitterhips started this discussion · 6/15/2009

Alright please tell me if I'm being crazy here and just need to suck it up, but this has been bothering me lately and you guys are always so supporitve I thought I might ask your advice about this 😕 I have a sister who is seven years younger than I am and she will be turning 16 on June 30th. Ever since she was born she's definitely been the spoiled one of the two of us but considering she's the baby it didn't upset me...but my mom lets her do a lot of things like dye her hair and pierce her ear cartilege that I begged to do when I was her age that were not allowed. Seeing that I'm 23 now this doesnt bother me so much since I can do whatever I want now but my mom has always spent a lot of time with my sister and they've always been closer than my mom and I ever were (I've always been much more of a daddy's girl.) Sometimes my mom and I will go out and do things but the last time her and I spent any time together alone was on Superbowl Sunday in January..and that was only because my sister didn't want to come out with us. My mom and sister go shopping together all the time, go out for sushi, and do all sorts of things and rarely ever invite me. The past few weeks have been especially bad now that my sister is done with school for the summer, they go out together almost every day. Another thing that bothers me is that my mom buys my sister TONS of stuff...like anything she wants pretty much. I think that upsets me most because I work really hard at my job and at the end of the month 90% of my paycheck goes to paying my student loans, credit cards, and car payment and I barely have anything left over to buy myself things or go out. I've been needing a new pair of pole shoes for ages because mine are so banged up but I just can't afford them right now...meanwhile my sister is coming home with shopping bags every day. I know if I was in a situation where I couldn't make a car payment or whatever my parents would help me but I just feel bad even asking them for help with money because I am 23 and an adult and I should be able to take care of things especially since I live at home for free. If my mom and I go shopping together she will offer to pay for some stuff but I only ever let her pay for things if it's a necessity (like new shirts for work or bras) but I never see her so that doesn't even happen anyway. I treated myself to a lipstick the other day but I got it off Ebay and I used my mom's account...when I logged in there was over $100 worth of jewelry and clothes that my sister had bought using my mom's credit card! Is it wrong that I'm upset about that? I know my sister doesn't have a job but when I was her age I never would have even imagined to ask my parents to buy me so many things let alone use their credit card to buy it for myself. I just feel really hurt and ignored because they never invite me anywhere and my mom shows no interest in spending time with me. I am busy and I do work a lot but it would be nice to at least get invited somewhere even if I can't go. When my mom and sister got home from shopping today while I was at work she didnt even say hi or ask how my day was, she just started showing me all the things they bought for my sister's birthday party next weekend. My mom never asks about my pole dancing either and i know she doesnt have a problem with it but shes really interested in all my sister's hobbies and activities. Maybe some of you ladies who have multiple children can give me some insight here. I'm not a mom so maybe it's hard to divide the attention and I'm just being bitchy...I don't know. I've never had the greatest relationship with my mom so maybe she just doesn't want to spend time with me. Will one of you moms adopt me instead? 🙁

21 replies

litlbit · 6/15/2009
Hey sweetie! I'm assuming that your sis is the last child. I have two children that are now grown and gone. For me it was learning to be a parent with my oldest and trying to do the right thing...I was stricter with her because she was was first. I have always been closer to my youngest, I believe the reason for that is because I was more relaxed by the time I had to raise him, and my daughter and I were more of a mom raising a daughter situation so she was fighting me in a sense. I have talked with many moms regarding this and everyone of them tells me it was the same way with them....I even spoke with a counselor because I didn't want to hurt my relationships with my children. I was told that what a parent and their first born go through are the trial and error phase...sort of a practice run if you will but one you can't take back....so it's much harder to get the closeness we feel we should have with our older child and because my youngest learned what to do and what not to do by his sister's example ie; her getting into trouble or breaking a rule etc. that he learned most of it from her, the teaching from me was less and allowed for us to spend more quality time together. Now that my youngest has graduated college and left home, my daughter and I are now spending more time together and getting to know each other on a different level. We are getting a closeness we have'nt had since she was little(she is now 26). She has shared with me the things you've just mentioned and we have had some wonderful convos....she and I both understand each other now and why it was the way it was. I'm sure this will get better for you too! We as parents have a hard time letting go of our youngest child...we know that they are the last one that will need us, so in a sense it's trying to hang on and not have to face our own aging process. I don't know if this helps, but also because my daughter was able to do for herself...I focused on my youngest ones needs, because my daughter displayed her independence and I didn't want to take that from her. I was so very proud of her but at the same time felt she didn't need me anymore...so it's probably your mom feeling like that as well..as mom's we have to be needed. Good luck to you, I'm sure your mom loves you very much!! 🌸
Foxy_Rei · 6/15/2009
Awww Glitter I know exactly how you feel. I have a younger sister, too, but she's in college right now. I'm much more conservative than she is, but we went through some of the same phases. I got a tattoo when I was 18, got my belly button pierced, and stopped there - but I got hell for both and my mom even asked me "How can you call yourself a Christian???" My sister, meanwhile, went out drinking constantly in high school, was (probably still is) a pothead, has multiple piercings: has gaged ears , snake bites, did have her eyebrow, belly button, something else on her ear, and is planning more. She got a tattoo recently, too. She also got busted for possession of MJ when she went to visit my mom, who works in a county building and had a bong in her purse that they saw on x-ray. All she ever got was a bunch of shaking heads. She's also come home drunk on several occasions and my mom has had to take care of her and clean up after her. Me, I got a pole as a married adult and I got read the riot act. Also, I had to save up for my own laptop for college while my mom bought one twice as good for my sister when she went. She still gets school shopping trips for clothes, too, which mine stopped half way through high school. I know her bad behavior breaks my mom's heart, but she won't say anything to her but gives me heck for any little thing I do at the drop of a hat. I will say this, though: my mom was a tremendous help to me when I got pregnant and was living at home during my pregnancy and the first year of my daughter's life. She bought most of the baby stuff for me that I couldn't afford, and even now has bought quite a bit of my daughter's clothes (but she does it because she really likes to shop and spoil her, it's not so much to help 😜). I used to feel neglected, but she was there when I really needed her. Even still, she let me and my husband put a trailer on part of her land so we could have our own place to live, and her and other family members are pooling their money so we can get a real driveway going up to it. So when I look back on it, I think part of the seeming favoritism towards my sister was a) she was/is the baby of the family, it's going to happen and b) I really didn't need the extra attention. It was mostly me being jealous, really. I'm a very independent person, while my sister is a very dependent person - she's very social and needs people. I just don't, and I think maybe my mom just responded to that (whether she realized it or not). That could be the same in your case, too, I'm not sure. *shrug* But, Glitter, maybe what you could do is just tell your mom that your feeling left out of the picture? You said yourself that you're not necessarily wanting your mom to go crazy and buy you lots of things like your sister, but that you want to know that she will be there for you when you do need something (materially or financially). And that you would like to feel more included and spend more time with them; or, like you said, at least invited so you don't feel like you're being ignored. So while I don't think you're necessarily being too sensitive, I do think a lot of this is in your head and more from a "jealousy" kind of thing ("jealous" is a harsh word, but I mean that more in the feeling left out kind of sense as opposed to being green with envy... does that make any sense??? 😕 ). But I think just sitting down with your mom and telling her how you feel would do wonders; at least get some of this off your chest because it'll eat you alive it you don't, then it will turn to feelings of resentment against your mom and sister. You have my s/n... IM me if you want to talk or vent 😉
adamseve · 6/15/2009
Glitter, I feel so sad for you because I know how you feel as a child who's also treated less than loved in lots of ways. First, let me give you my thoughts as the parent of two girls who are only 3 1/2 years apart. I love both my girls equally and differently. My oldest is sooooo much like me that it's scary. We talk 3-4 times a day and we do more things together than my youngest daughter. It's not because I don't want to do things with my youngest because I really, really do. She just doesn't make the time to do things with me like my oldest. I don't get upset; I simply continue to ask my baby girl to give me at least one night a month for just us. Also, I've asked her to call me more than once every 2 weeks. Really, it's probably not that bad, but I'm one of those moms that has to talk to her kids daily. I have to know how they're doing, what's going on with them, etc. They are my best friends and the only ones I know love me unconditionally, no matter what. I'd give them the moon if I could. I know that Jas will come around and she is slowly but surey. Chelle has gone through so much in her young life, and she's so much more mature than Jas (most of the time 😂). Since they don't have a good relationship with my parents or their dad's parents (they never wanted one with mygirls--their loss!) she's big on being around those that she loves including my brother and his family. We take trips together and we do one-on-one things so that I'm always in the loop and vice versa. I'm big on keeping the lines of communication open no matter how hard the subject. I also love them based on how they need to be loved. No one child is alike and a parent needs to understand how to discipline in love and how to speak the love language of each child. My youngest needs to be praised and constantly told how well she's doing. She also needs to know that you're not going to hold things against her and keep throwing it up to her. My oldest needs to know you're there for her and you're going to love her the way she loves you. Now, I do help my youngest daughter a tad more than my oldest. This is only because my youngest doesn't have a job, but she's in school. She's been trying to find a part-time job since she was forced to quit her job in January as a security guard for a minimum security state prison. It was the best thing for her because she really couldn't take the mental issues of the inmates. You can't imagine the things she saw and heard. I was so glad she was finally out of there, but I do wish she could find a part-time job. Now I don't pay rent or anything like that, but I do give her gas money and spending money every now and then so that she can still enjoy life. She uses the unused monies from finanical aid and her student loans to pay her bills. I'm a touchy feelie hands on Mom. The main reason I'm so close to my girls is because I never, ever want my girls to feel unloved. There's not been a day in their lives that they haven't been told they are beautiful, smart, loved, and wanted. I've always felt not so attractive, not loved, and not wanted. I told myself if I ever had children they'd never feel that way. If no one on this Earth ever tells them these things they'll never have to wonder! 😀 I do believe as a parent you will have times when you're closer to one child than the other because of life changes. For example, when my oldest went off to college my younger daughter and I became much, much closer. Also, when Chelle was a pre-teen and didn't want her baby sister tagging along with her and friends, Jas and I became best buddies. However, it didn't make me love either child any less or more than the other. Glitter, I would encourage you to read the book Rich Dad Poor Dad. It talks a great deal about how a family will help the child they feel is weak to the detriment of alienating a child they feel can stand on their own. Makes sense, but it's not fair. In my opinion they cripple the weak child in that they never make them accountable or responsible. Now that we got that out the way, I can share my story about feeling unloved by my entire family. I know they love me because I'm their family, but they don't love me they way I deserve to be loved: unconditionally and 100%. I don't care so much about cousins, aunts, etc., but I really miss having a loving relationship with my parents and a few of my cousins who I grew up with. Just this past Monday was the 1st time I saw my mother in almost a year. We've never had the best of relationships, but the straw broke the camel's back last August. I wont' get into details, but the jist of it is that my mother has let my dad and her religion take over her life where she didn't seem to care that she was hurting her children and grand children. I thought that I had forgiven her, but when I saw her all the hurt and anger came rushing back. I finally made her talk to me and let her see my pain. For the 1st time in my life she admitted her wrongdoing and has vowed to get to know me. Don't get me wrong, she's said she didn't do a good job as a mother because of all the chaos in her life, but I don't care about that. I understand; I just want my mom to know me and love me the way a mother should love her child. My mother hadn't held me in her arms in so long she didn't realize she missed it until I she had to hold me because I couldn't stop crying. She knew that she was wrong, but she didn't know what to do to make things right. She still doesn't know, but I'm willing to help her because I want a relationship with her. Glitter, I think you're going to have to sit your Mom down and tell her how you're feeling and how it hurts you. I'm sure your Mom doesn't mean to hurt you, but sometimes they don't know when you're as independent as you are. She could be doing just like Lilbit was doing with her daughter: allowing her to be who she was. It's amazing hwo independence equates to "I don't need anyone" with people, especially Moms. I had to learn how to let my daughters be independent by developing a friendship with them, but always letting them know that I'm Mom 1st, friend 2nd. That made all the difference in the world. I hope this helps. Feel free to call me hun! Hugs & Kisses
Rouge_LAmour · 6/15/2009
Sheesh, know that feeling..... I've not been the "preferred daughter" for a long time and I'm the youngest. Never had any financial help for anything, really, in comparison to what my elder sister got. So, I became feisty independent. I tell nothing and expect nothing in return from them. Works really well. I've had to do everything on my own and it's made me a stronger person.
SissyBuns · 6/15/2009
Hi Glitty! I saw that you got some pretty lengthy responses already and I didn't have time to read them so if I'm repeating anything already said I apologize, but I just wanted to say that I have 3 kids (4 including my stepdaughter) and I am closer to some than the others.True they're still pretty small but I can tell you now that my oldest daughter is pretty much my best friend and that my son (who is my youngest) is my baby. My poor middle daughter does sometimes get a little neglected as far as my attention goes. I don't mean for it to be that way but it just happens. To keep things fair I have to make a concious effort to spend more time with my middle child. if I didn't do this she would feel very neglected and left out...kind of like you. I think the only way to improve the situation would be to tell your mom how you feel. maybe she's not aware of it and if she knew she'd try to make a concious effort to help you feel included. Also realize that some things you can't force. If she's got a closer bond with your sister that doesn't make you any less of a person. They're just closer. I know you see a difference in the way she treats your sister and how you were treated but there is a bit of a difference between the first kid and the last. I'm the oldest and my younger sister was very spoiled. She got to do all kinds of stuff I never did, but as I had my own I started to understand that with the first child we're still trying to figure things out so we may not do the best job lol.
Neke · 6/15/2009
Hey Glitter, I'll try not to ramble, but I'm oh so good at it. I've got a baby sister 4 years younger than me, and when we lived together my mum gave us absolutely everything totally equally. She was a health food nut, so when she bought a packet of chips or a chocolate or any kind of treat, she would pull the scales out and split the bag exactly in half so we couldn't fight over who got more. We never had much money when we were kids, and a lot of our clothes were second hand and we never got nice things, although my mum tried her best to give us what we wanted. However, I was kicked out of home at 15 because my parents didn't like my boyfriend. I spent my whole life studying and playing on my computer, I never went to a party and I got top marks at school - I was even in the scouts, which is where I went friday nights when my friends were out drinking and lying to their parents about drinking. Then I met this boy and I started spending a lot of time with him - he was a 19 year old computer tech who hated drinking and smoking to the point where he refused to be around anybody doing those things. He was a pretty model citizen and my parents loved him until one day they must have just thought 'omg it's a boy, they must be sleeping together.' Which we weren't. So they banned me from seeing him. I didn't listen, so they packed my bags and dumped me off in town and i've been on my own ever since. I finished school, got great marks, got a part time job, went to uni, finished uni. I'm pretty awesome. After I moved out my mum started spoiling my sister so hard, it's not even funny. She bought her brand name clothes, which we were never allowed to have because they were too expensive, and whenever she wanted something mum managed to scrounge some money up to get it for her. Meanwhile, I could barely afford food - It was ridiculous. I think mum was just trying to hold onto my sister, trying to make sure she didn't end up hating mum and moving out as well. She ended up getting in trouble for drinking all the time, they even got a few calls from the hospital when she had to get her stomach pumped. She is so unbelievably smart that they skipped her past year 9 and 10, and even 2 years ahead she never had to try at school at all - which left her free to muck up. She was always getting into trouble, first drinking then stealing, then trying to get into clubs with a fake id. Mum just stopped caring after a while - I actually thought it was hilarious how much she used to yell at me when I really never did anything wrong, and then she got to see what dealing with a trouble maker was really like. In turn, I think they ended up realising how awesome I was. Either way, my sister ended up moving out at 14 after refusing to live with my mother, and I heard last week she was dealing drugs at 19. I'm actually really glad I had to put up with my mum's terrible strictness - I never got into trouble. A few years after I moved out of home, I developed this great relationship with my mum - I started realising that all the stupid things she used to make me do or nag me about actually made a lot of sense. I call her every week or so, and I organise to meet her for lunch when I can. I think if i were in your situation, I would be pretty furious at having to work so hard when your sis is getting everything for free. But like everybody else has said, your mum probably just doesn't realise that it's upsetting you - you're all grown up, what do you care? Instead of getting pissed that she's not including you, why don't you invite her somewhere? Ask her out to lunch, or ask if she wants to come shopping or something. Don't include your sister and don't expect or ask her to buy you anything... she probably will anyway, but tell her you just miss hanging out with her and you want to catch up. Your sister is still a baby and she still has that mother-daughter relationship with your mum. I would try and form an adult relationship with her instead of trying to get back into being dependent on her like your sister is. You won't get as much free stuff, but it's much more functional 🙂 And just for the record, my sister is now very frivolous with money and she wastes it so much that she's constantly calling me and asking for cash, which I rarely give her. I think if mum hadn't given her the world when she was younger, she would be much more responsible now. So you'll probably come out on top in the end.
amcut · 6/15/2009
... Hm. I'm a favored daughter. I think the reason for it is that by the time she got around to raising me (there's a firm 18 years between me and my eldest sister) she had gone through so much personal enrichment that she was a MUCH better parent to me than she was to them. As a result, I am not bitter towards her like my other sisters are. So our relationship isn't tainted by her guilt or my anger. ... My sisters like to make up theories about mom's love. And mom likes to make up theories about my sister's. Seriously. Both parties are idiots and really want to play with eachother but make excuses to not seem vulnerable. SO. In my opinion, Glitter, you should so make a nice letter to your mom telling her how much you love her and how you want to have time with her and your sister AND PRIVATE time with her. As far as monetary help. Well. Pfft. Glitter, you're a grownass woman. Do you really want to be indebted to anyone, even if it's your mom?
azriel · 6/15/2009
Glitter i'll adopt you! i'm scared of having babies anyways, so you being all grown up & independent and all will work out great!! Plus i'll get the best cupcakes ever!! 😀 LOL Ok seriously though.. I don't think you're being too sensitive, i know very well how hurtful in can be to be in that position myself- i too am the oldest, and although i'll admit that i AM the favorite, my youngest sister is extremely spoiled by my mother. Real quick- i had to work full-time to pay everything from rent to bills to food etc while i was in college (except tuition- my dad took care of that), whereas my lil sis has absolutely EVERYTHING paid for & doesnt work now that she's in college. And you'd think that I'd be the one getting the most help from her, considering that she didn't raise me (i grew up with my dad, but moved back to her at 17). But ya know what? i've come to realize that i have gained much more respect because of this, & that i really Am more independent, thus my sister needs the help more than i did anyway (although that is cause she was so spoiled, lol).. either way i have come out to be a stronger & more responsible person. I agree with everything everyone else said, and especially what Lilbit was saying. I bet your mom thinks really highly of you, sees you as so mature, responsible, & independent, that it doesnt even cross her mind that you feel hurt by her attitude. I agree with amcut about writing a letter, or doing what Neke said about asking her out to lunch is a great idea!! You're definitely going to turn out a stronger person cos of this, and you should be really proud of yourself for all that you do!! Luv ya girl, and i really do wish to have a daughter like you some day!!!! xx To NEKE : Oh my goodness girl, you are truly one AMAZING woman!!! I am literally shocked from your post, and don't know how long it will take me to recover!! I am so proud of you, i seriously cannot begin to imagine how tough all that must've been for you.. You have my UTMOST RESPECT forever.. i cannot stress that enough. You should be a role model for all women. I don't know of ANY teenager who would've handled that situation as maturely as you. You are one real strong strong woman. Be damned proud of yourself. I admire you & i am truly in awe in what an awesome person you turned out to be. xxxxxx
litlbit · 6/15/2009
Adamseve ty for sharing your story...I will share mine as well..This is posted on another site I'm on...it's under what motivates me...so I know how it feels to feel left out...but to an extreme. I am 28 years clean and sober. I have always been a very private person but as I was reflecting on the past years I’ve decided to share a brief history of how I became who and what I am today…the events that have driven me to become and continue to become the best human being I can be! I was born into poverty to a violent alcoholic father and an abusive mother. My father was twenty years older than my mother, she was 19 when I was born. I am the eldest of 4 girls. I was not a wanted child by my mother, I know this because she told me I was the product of her “doing her duty” as a wife and that she would never love me. I was never held, hugged or kissed as a child by my parents. I was molested at age 4 by a relative that was staying with us. I told my mother and she accused me of being a slut (I didn’t even know what that meant at the time) and beat me with a belt for “teasing” him. I was responsible for caring for my almost 3 yr old sister and when she was kidnapped from our yard my mother beat me and told me I was never to tell anyone that I was babysitting her. She lied to my father and the police. They did find my sister 14 hours later. She had been molested and left on a bridge in downtown Mpls. I never had friends growing up because I wasn’t allowed to. I never learned social skills as a child however I did excel in school, until I reached junior high. I was 11 ½ when I got into 7th grade. I had all of the household and childcare responsibilities and still trying to get homework done (which was impossible with all my responsibilities). My mother felt it was time I started paying room and board so she got me a babysitting job after school..3-midnite for $20.00 a week caring for 6 small children, she collected the money from me every Friday night when I got home. I would come home everyday beat up so the school made arrangements for me to arrive 15 late in the morning and leave 15 minutes early at the end of the day. Why was this happening? We were one of the 1st schools to be integrated for desegregation…8 black students were bused to our school. I became good friends with them….not something you did back then or in my neighborhood. The kids in my neighborhood beat me for that reason. I discovered drugs at that point and starting using to get rid of my feelings of pain an worthlessness, I also started to drink….my grades were slipping quickly and the school didn’t know what to do with me, I was a bloody mess most of the time from being attacked in the hallways or the girls bathroom. I was raped that year and told no one (it wasn’t like it is today), my mother beat for ruining my clothes from “fighting”. When I got into high school, I was 15...I was transferred out of my district because the school where I lived didn’t want me…the principal said I was too much trouble and they didn’t want “my kind” in their school. I went t to the guidance counselor in my new school and asked for help regarding my home life…she took me to Family and Children Services but back then they scheduled home appoints…not surprise visits. They said after talking to my mom that I was the problem….my counselor told me off the record that if she was me she’d take her chances in the street. So I did, my 3rd week in 10th grade I ran away from home and never looked back. I moved in with a man 10 yrs older than me and we were married illegally. I had all false documents…my life was ok for awhile but my usage was escalating I tried to kill myself 3 times and was intercepted every time. To shorten the rest of the long story…I left my abusive husband and moved to another state, did 3 years of high school in 50 hours and passed my GED with high scores in 1980...I fought to get into college for an additional 11 years because the nursing programs didn’t want me with my background, I wasn’t socially acceptable! The wrong background etc. I did finally after agreeing to 2 psych evals. Get into one of the toughest nursing programs. I was remarried in 1982 and had 2 small children by the time I got into college, I was working nights as a CNA. I commuted 100 miles round trip every day, worked nights and still took care of my kids, I don’t remember when I slept. I graduated and passed my boards. I have had a lot of things happen in my life that have made me a stronger compassionate human being, do I regret them…absolutely not! There are many things I’m not proud of and horrible things that have happened to me, that should never happen to any human being…however if I were to change even one second of the past I would not be who, what, and where I am today! I am not looking for pity or sympathy, just acceptance as a person. I was once a victim, now I'm a survivor! I am a grateful recovering addict/alcoholic. So what happened to me I chose to use to become stronger...I happen to like me today VERY MUCH! 😀
Neke · 6/15/2009
Woah, be careful litlbit, you may give Azriel a heart attack - that was an insane story, thank you for sharing it with us. So many people wouldn't have survived such a horrific ordeal, and I'm so inspired by the strength you must have in you to be able to come out of that and lead a normal life. Working in a club I see so many girls become consumed by alcohol and drugs, most of the time not even for good reasons. But I've never seen anybody come out of it... I see them hit rock bottom, and then they disappear off the face of the earth. I was going to reply to Azriel saying that not only was I looking for sympathy, but I really don't think I deserve it - everybody faces challenges in their lives and I think I got off pretty lightly - I got a good education and my parents weren't abusive. I was only trying to give an understanding on why my sister got so much attention, but in the end she ended up much worse than me. So I definitely think it's better to be independent without needing to rely on your parents for everything. The only reason you don't hear many stories of people really badly off is because they don't survive to tell them - I'm so glad you ended up being such a beautiful person, Litlbit. Glitter, it seems to me that so many people have very dysfunctional relationships with their parents, so I really hope you and your mother manage to sort things out and become closer.
azriel · 6/15/2009
OMG yes, i'm in awe & shock for a 2nd time today! and not mainly because of the horrific experiences that i read about (i studied clinical psych. & also worked in the field, thus i've encountered several such stories). What amazes me is the way they were dealt with, the inner strength & willpower used, and the outcome, especially when there was no outer source to have learned such coping skills from!! Neke & Lilbit, i'm not sympathizing, i'm merely expressing my reaction. Nor am i pitying, how can i pity such strong-minded women?! I'm just so glad & relieved that there are at least a few people out there with your type of character, as it gives so much hope & inspiration for the rest of the world. 🥂 Because like Neke said, most people with these insanely difficult experiences most often don't survive to tell their stories, or have not been able to pull themselves out of these situations. Thanx so much for sharing your stories! Lilbit congratulations for everything you've achieved, for being such a wonderful person, and for your sobriety .. that in itself is a humongous achievement (i know b/c one of my brothers has been a heroin addict for over 20 years). And congratulations to all the other women & men on this site who've made a decision to find their inner strengths & wisdom and use these qualities to escape the demons of the past & fight fate to work towards a brighter future. ☀️ Glitter you started an awesome thread! i'm sorry if we kinda went off topic- I think your reactions & feelings are perfectly natural (as i said in my previous post), and i too hope you get things sorted with your mom. But the basic point of all this seems to be that life can really suck & be unfair & be a real big bitch sometimes... but fortunately if we try hard enough, we can find ways to deal with it. Even if we end up with permanent scars, we can at least heal the open wounds and become stronger, wiser people who will be better prepared for the challenges of life. 🌸
PoleDanceABCs · 6/16/2009
I'm not a mommy but I am going through a similar situation with my baby brother. I see my brother getting a lot of stuff that I would have never gotten in HS (new TV in the bedroom, awesome video game console, etc.) I think parents expect a lot more from their first child. I see it with my friends... the ones with one kid fret over everything the baby/child does whereas parents with multiple kids kinda go, "Meh." In my situation I see it as a give and take. When I was in HS my parents were a lot younger and we used to do a lot of physical things together (go hiking every weekend for an entire day or walk around a city and go to all the museums). My parents are older now and don't do that with my brother as much so maybe they try to compensate with material objects? Sorry, I could go into this but I have to keep it short... I have to get going. But here, have some *hugs* 🙂
Toccara · 6/16/2009
wow lilbit! That is a very sad, disturbing, and yet still very inspiring story! 🫡 You are awesome! You didnt let those circumstances consume and ruin what you had planned for your life. You took it in your own hands and shall we say "handled the business." It takes a very strong, and I cant think of a better word than that, person to make it through that and actually love yourself. I am so very sorry you had to go through that, but I am soo super proud of you for doing what you had to do to become what you are. caring, strong, intelligent, and beautiful! GO GIRL!!!! 🥂 🥂 🫡 🫡 👸
Gsylass · 6/16/2009
Glitter I'll adopt you! 🌸 Seriously, I think the girls have given great advice. I'm the eldest of 4 so can totally relate to the "learning with the first child" business - my parents were totally stricter with me then less strict with each child that followed 🙄 Huge respect to you ladies for sharing your stories, I'm proud to know you 🫡
Kari828 · 6/16/2009
Oh Glitter, I'm sorry! i Know exactly how you feel...except I'm younger than my sister... my sister has always been my mom's favorite, my mom even said that to me once "your sister is my favorite and you are your fathers favorite"... it sucks not having a relationship with your mother, I became very close with my step mom because of this and i saw that it hurt my mom, but she was not willing to try to have that relationship with me so i never really felt that bad about it... i love my sister to death, but she has always been a screw up and my parents have spent most of their time bailing her out of f*cked up situations while i was put on the back burner... I've never felt wanted or needed by my mom, i know she loves me but i also know it doesn't bother her not to have a close relationship with me... she was a good mom and always did the right things, but i never really felt any warmth behind her actions, it was always kinda like she was just going through the motions and doing and saying what she thought she should... in one way I'm happy for that because it has made me a very independent and responsible woman, but i do still feel that void... my step-mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago and that makes the void seem even deeper, she gave me what my mom could not and now that she is gone i feel very lonely in that aspect...i feel your pain and i know your mom loves you, but it sucks...
rubberstarlet · 6/16/2009
with me its my little brother! haha my parents always give him $$$ attention, ETC. He lives with them, but even when all 4 of us were together, he was the NUMBER 1 !!! haha but at the same time my situation might be different. They invested alot of time/training with my brother and his golf. he was sponsors and even travels! I know they cant drop everything he/them worked for for me. I'm proud of my brother thoo, hmm maybe I'm more jealuse of the thought he gets what he wants.. doing what he loves! he makes $$ by playing a course and people betting on him o_o... blehhh
FridaSiren · 6/16/2009
you ladies are all my heroes!!! superwomen of life and pole! and glitter definately have a talk with your mom! and on the bright side you said you have a really good relationship with your dad! cherish that. i so wish me and my dad got along... huge hugs for all of you! 🌸 frida 🌸
Poledancefan · 6/16/2009
Wow, there were some very difficult stories to read inthat thread. Glitter, I'll try to comment from my perspective as the firstborn son of an very bitter parent...and as the parent of a son and daughter many years apart. My mom was divorced very young (in 1960, when divorce was like cancer--simply NOT TALKED ABOUT)and actually still pregnant with my sister M.E. She had a professional career as a psychologist,so we did not starve...but my mom remained (and remains) a very bitter person. She was quite open about her hostility towards men (still is, LOL!)...and openly stated she thought men had all the advantages in the world (and she still does). She was raised in family of sisters...and I think she was adrift when it came to raising a son. I'm not so sure I would say she "favored" my sister. In fact, she was harsher and more judgmental about my sister's relatively mild behaviors as a young woman than she was about mine. In a horrible, ironic twist of fate, M.E.'s husband died of Pancreatic cancer at about 38 (?) (leaving M.E. behind with my 13 year old nephew, then 2 or 3). Now by then, my sister and her were TOTALLY estranged...but my mom still shares a kind of "parallel" sympathy with her predicament...they are both single parents. So Glitter, what I am saying is that parents may "see" some identifying aspect with one kid and not the other. It may be totally IRRATIONAL--but humans are not always rational, I think! Maybe this is a factor in your situation, but difficult for you to know why your mom sees herself in one child and not the other. This may seem impossible to laugh about now...but with age (Nearing 50 now!) you may share some laughs about it later with your sister. My mom would rebut EVERY argument with the following phrase..."Well, all a person needs to be happy in this world is a penis and a pair of pants!" As my sister and I drift into our senile years, we repeat this line to each other with glee every time we get together. Joel
Poledancefan · 6/16/2009
OK...the script was getting VERY buggy...my computer..or the server? Letters weren't showing in forum window.. Glitter...about my own situation. My kids are very far apart..seven years. They are so different, and I wonder if they perceive us as favoring one over the other. Jake was the first grandchild in BOTH families, spoiled STINKIN' ROTTEN, LOL!--even by his own admission. (Even my mom calls him the "PRINCE"--not ironically,I'm afraid) Although he had his motivational issues in high school, he was the kid participating in many activities. Like my wife, he is quiet and reticient in his feelings. Jacob is clearly his MOM's son On the other hand, we have not seen the inside of the middle school since he graduated, as Johannah joins nothing, participates in nothing. But then again, Johannah is clearly MY child, LOL! She is morose, tempermental, disturbingly sex obsessed for a thirteen year old girl, seeks friendships in off-beat, nerdy, or freaky kids (that was me in school), and is constantly upset and ranting and raving all the time about every injustice on the planet--including her mom, the "mega bitch", and her embarassing, fat, and digusting bald dad! As angry an adolescense as she is having, she always comes to me as the "go to" parent...even though we have a very difficult relationship, too. Jacob always goes to his mom! I'm not sure why things are this way...but again, it may be that parents just tend to "identify " with certain children more than they do with another. But you are making your OWN way..that is an important thing! Take pride in your independance and maturity, Glitter! Joel
Charley · 6/17/2009
I'm the favorite and I do feel badly over it. My mother was very tyrannical and just awful to me so my dad and I became best friends. He saw how mean she was me - she was never terrible to my brothers ans so he befriended me. My mother has since passed away leaving our Father our only living parent therefor me the favored one. I am the eldest of three so as a young child I looked over my brothers, fed them, cared for them when my mother couldn't. She was bipolar. She was addicted to her own unhappiness because she was medicated (several years too late) she couldn't enjoy being happy and took herself off the meds. She denied having a problem. She was verbally abusive and mean. I feel bad for her, I always have. I cannot imagine being so addicted to my own pain that I inflict it on others - that happiness makes me uncomfortable and that I cannot connect with my own daughter for fear that she is "better" than me. Not being able to take joy in your children because you feel it is a contest and wish nothing but the worst for them so that you are somehow better must feel awful. At any rate I spent much of my younger years begging for someone's approval, anyones! I desperately needed to be as special as my brothers were to her and I just never was. So my dad stepped in and became my best friend. I think he saw a lot of himself in me. We always got along - I can't remember not getting along and thinking he was the goofiest, coolest person in the world. Anyway with my mother gone that leaves my father the only parent and I am quite favored over the other 2. I don't think in this case it's unfairly so because my dad has always been emotionally available to all of his children and has treated us with equality. I think I just related to him more I pursued hanging out with him more than my brothers did. My brothers had a more nuclear situation than I did. They could go to their mother - I couldn't (sad as it's the same woman.) They weren't necessarily closer with her, I think they just got along okay enough with each parent that they didn't feel the need to cultivate a deeper relationship with either parent. They also never learned responsibility, they never learned to emot in a healthy manner and they certainly never learned the how to have deep friendships. Because my relationship was so rocky with my mother I learned to work hard, I learned how to live on my own, I learned how to create boundaries, I learned how love someone who isn't perfect and see the person for the disease. I also learned how to connect with other people and be empathetic - because if you think she was a bad mom she was an even worse partner. I feel so badly for my father never having the love that I have today with someone - never being able to truly share your life with someone - yet inspite of it all he continued to love her, he continued to love his family - all by himself. So now I am the favored one but I think most of it has to due with how rocky things were growing up and the fact that I am a girl so I can empathize with my parent. We can have adult conversations and I don't hide things from him. He can be my Father and my friend. I think my brothers just never pursued that connection. but if they ever needed anything my dad would be there for them. My brother actually communicated (for once) to my dad about me being a favored child and my dad was really honest and frank with him about everything. Basically my dad doesn't feel needed by his sons because they are so independent and how my dad being raised by a single mother more closely identified with women over men. They had a good long talk and I don't know the details but their relationship has improved a lot. I think my brother making the effort to get know my dad beyond a parent made all the difference in the world and honestly it has made my dad so happy to be able to have an adult relationship with him - the parenting at this point is done so now it's time for things to change. They have. I am glad my brother brought it up. I think due to the nature of male relationships I'll probably always be closer to my dad because we connect on a different level. My brother is more about cars and money and toilet humor - all things my dad enjoys but I think that because I've helped him through a lot of things like a nasty divorce and the passing of my mother we'll always be best buds. Although all the pole talk is wearing thin on hims o maybe my bro has a shot at favorite 😂 😂 😂 Ultimately I don't think it matters anymore who is "favorite" we all have different relationships with our parents. We don't relate to everyone the same way so we cannot expect our parents to relate to each child the same way. I think communication is the key and the more each party communicates the deeper and healthier the relationship can be, provided all parties involved are in a good state of mind. Do what my brother did and broach the subject - I am guessing your mother will surprised and really happy - my pops was.
Salfies87 · 6/28/2009
I have a sister who is seven years younger than I am and she will be turning 16 on June 30th. Ever since she was born she's definitely been the spoiled one of the two of us but considering she's the baby it didn't upset me...but my mom lets her do a lot of things like dye her hair and pierce her ear cartilege that I begged to do when I was her age that were not allowed. 🙁 Glitterhips, I know this reply is a little late, but I felt like I had to reply to this. I thought for the longest time I was the only one who had a situation in my family like this. I am 21 and my sister is 19. My sister gets ALL the attention in my family. When I was 13, I wanted to get my belly button pierced and I wanted to go tanning. My mom refused to let me. But when my sister turned 12, she got to do all of it without hesitation. Now, I am glad that I didn't get my belly pieced, but I do not give my mom props not letting me do that. I feel a constant..."grudge" between me and my mom and sister. I try so hard by living on my own, paying for my car, going to school full-time, and working very hard at 2 jobs. My sister on the other hand has lived a lot of her 19 years in juvi. She's a very bad person. She's stolen my car before (had to call the cops because I didn't know who stole it.) She got an underage drinking ticket and gave the cop my information (He didn't ask for ID--ridiculous) and she got it the night before my 20th birthday. It hurt because she hung out with me on my birthday and never said a word. I did not find out about it until one night I was telling my boyfriend about how bad my sister is and where I'm from, you can look up anyones tickets online. I typed in my last name only because I have an unusual one. There popped up a ticket with my name on it. What is even worse is that she ignored the whole thing even past the court date, so I found out that I had a warrant out for me because of it. I couldn't talk to a police officer about it because police officers have a duty to fulfill warrants no matter what the situation is. It was really hard time for me to get through because I'm going to school to be a lawyer and I've worked very hard on building my reputation and experience. My family didn't think it was a big deal, but I couldn't leave my house without getting scared because I was so scared a cop would run my plates and take me to jail. Anyways...(I guess I needed to share that and get it out lol), I know how you feel. I just wanted you to know that. I don't have anyone to talk to about the inequality I feel in my family, so I want you to know that if you ever need someone to vent to or talk to, I will totally listen. I don't have any advice on how to deal with it because I struggle daily with my mom always buying my sister things and never taking interest in me. She sounds a lot like your sister (no job...money moocher). I've been told to look at my own life and see all I have accomplished and look at her life...but it's still hard to see when you always feel inadequate. Please feel free to message me about anything. I promise I will understand. =)