Boyfriend holding me back.....

TinyDancer04 started this discussion · 1/2/2013

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this and what they did about it? So Ive been with my boyfriend for 6 months and known him for about a year. Hes a wonderful supportive and caring guy, great to my son etc and I love him dearly. BUT.... I feel in some ways my pole goals are being interrupted. I am planning (or hoping) to compete in miss pole australia pro level this year. I have a lot of intense training to do and need to modify my diet and drop a little bit of weight to help make some moves easier etc... I dont want to drink anymore or eat bad food but I find that he is always encouraging me to do so...it makes it really difficult. We dont live together so when I have a childfree weekend (my son is at his dads) I stay at my boyfriends house for the weekend...lately tho Ive been leaving early to go home and train and hes been getting a bit miffed about it. I have limited time to train and its important to me that I meet this goal for the year- lose a bit of weight and compete in the competition. I also find that if I am on the pole, he texts me more frequently?? its really frustrating. Its like hes jealous of my hobby or something, yet proud of it at the same time? bloody men. I do love him and dont want to break up with him but Im struggling with this issue. Anybody else experienced this?

14 replies

Runemist34 · 1/2/2013
Best advice I've heard, ever: Talk to him about it. Explain to him how important this competition is for you, and what you need to do to get into it. Tell him that this is something YOU need, and is something that you've wanted for a long time (if it is, I mean). Sometimes the best thing you can do is really sit down and say "Hey, can I talk to you about this?" Personally, I find it admirable, and something I aspire to be more comfortable with doing. A lot of people think of eating junk food and drinking as things to do "for fun," and if you flip that around... doing those things IS fun! So, it's entirely possible that he thinks you're depriving yourself of fun by not wanting to participate in drinking and eating junk food. He wants to have fun with you, help you feel good, and if that's his mentality (about drinking and junk food and fun) then he will encourage you to do those things! If he's feeling jealous about your hobby, then, personally I think it's his responsibility to talk to you about it. However, obviously, you're picking up signals toward that, and you can certainly come right out and ask him if he is jealous! If not, then perhaps he just thought he was being more supportive by sending you texts while you were away, or perhaps he misses you. I find, with my boyfriend, that when he does his hobbies, I do mine. We balance out really well in that way. We also live together, so it's a bit easier to figure out times when we are going to do those things and not "hang out" together. But, you could always work out a way of telling him that you'll be working on your dancing, and he can feel free to work on whatever he would like to, without any kind of guilt! Because, that's what we all want ;) If I'm a little off, I'm sorry. I know that there was a lot of guilt around my own hobbies and things in my last relationship, and we never talked about it, because when I tried, all we did was fight. It sounds like you're in a much better situation, though :)
Runemist34 · 1/2/2013
Oh, forgot to mention: How cool is it that you want to compete in the pro level of Miss Pole Dance Australia! Wow, what an amazing goal!
chemgoddess1 · 1/2/2013
Google bodybuilders that have the same thing happen to them when they are prepping for a contest. As Rune said, talk to him. He may be feeling insecure. He may have hangups about it. If he understands that it is only for a short time frame he may be your biggest cheerleader. But if you do not spell things out how does he know that he is sabotaging you?
moonflower · 1/2/2013
Chem touched on a big thing. Men get insecure just as much as we do. If you are striving for big goals, he might feel like he'll lose the old you to your hobbies. Communication is key. He might not even know what he is doing if you don;t tell him.
JeHanne · 1/2/2013
He might not be intentionally interrupting your pole time or realizing he is becoming sensitive about the time you spend when you leave or influencing your dietary choices in a negative way. I agree with others that the best approach would be an open non confrontational dialouge. I've handled issues by reinforcing what the goal means to me and why I am so dedicated to it. Let him know how important these goals are to you and that his support means a lot to you. Reassure him on how much he means to you and how much you value the relationship. You can also share that you are feeling a strain structuring all these pieces into your life right now but want the experience of competing at that event and that makes it worth it. Get from his point of view exactly what might be going on with him without making assumptions and without putting words in his mouth or projecting what you think might be going on (since we really never know exactly what the thoughts of others are). Wishing you the best of luck with this situation and during the competition! The support (or lack therof) from others can make such a big difference in our personal goals, I really hope he comes around and supports your goals!
monica kay · 1/3/2013
he's not forcing alcohol or junk food down your mouth, right? you are in control of what you eat and drink. not him. if you cave, that's your lack of conviction. ignore his texts during your training. he should understand. you can put his texts on a special ringtone and just don't read them until you are doing splits. while sitting in a split and stretching is a good time to play with phones and video cameras.
TinyDancer04 · 1/3/2013
Thanks for your responses... It seems the general consensus is communication so I'll give it a try! Katana no he's not forcing anything down my throat. BUT he buys chocolates etc and DOES guilt me into it by saying ' I was thinking of you when I bought these- I knew you would like them'. Or he will just have something already organized for dinner by the time I get there. It's not junk but has carbs etc. I can't exactly turn up my nose at what he has made now can I? I have enormous willpower - I lost 20kg after the birth of my baby with diet and exercise. So no I don't feel I have a lack of conviction , I just really don't want to hurt his feelings! However, the alcohol is something I can try and control a bit more. He is a wine collector and always has beautiful wines 'he has to have me try'... And to be honest a new relationship and having a couple of drinks on the weekend together kind of go hand in hand. Having said this; maybe all this stuff is a sign of incompatibility in some areas.
monica kay · 1/3/2013
aww! he sounds like such a sweet guy :) well- good luck. i'm sure you guys will find some compromise.
zoeyxxxx · 1/3/2013
My mrs txt me one day saying she wishes she was a pole :/ she was feeling pushed out buy this new shiny chunk off metle in our kitchen that was making me the happyest girl in the world I did sort of replace our time with pole. So now I get her to film n take pictures while I work out so she's involved once a week. And the other times I pole when I no she has sumthing to do. N I lift weights when she does. I also tell her I need her to stand and catch me incase I fall even tho half the time its a move I could do in my sleep but she dunt no that makes her feel involved and needed lol :))
nicolen548 · 1/4/2013
I can relate to this. I was very athletic and used to work out every day. I have been with my bf for 10 years, and he used to work out with me. Slowly he began to gripe about it, so I started going by myself. Then he started complaining how it was getting in the way of time together. When I said come with, he said he worked all day and wants to just veg out. I began to take on his mentality and slowly my daily workouts turned into every other day, then twice a week, once a week, now I'm lucky to get to the gym once a month. I know I could go by myself, but its so much more fun with a partner and their support. I did tell him how I felt many times, but it was like talking to a wall or a child. Also, I admit I didn't always want to workout, but I got into a habit and forced myself to do it. But with my bf's excuses, I found myself gradually making the same excuses and now I have nobody but myself to blame for losing my muscular body & 6-pack abs and gaining 40 pounds. :(
TinyDancer04 · 1/4/2013
Well... I took everyone's advice and spoke to him about it. I pretty much just reiterated how important my goals were and that I'm really concerned I won't reach them. He was really supportive and understanding ...so hopefully it will start improving :)
jeansgina · 1/5/2013
Seems like he just wants to make you happy by buying you chocs and making you dinner. It's all about compramising and talking to each other. My boyfriend sometimes gets jealous of my pole so when I want to pole I chuck him his guitar and he forgets all about me haha! Glad you guys worked it out!
JhennD · 1/5/2013
I too have this issue with my bf (of almost 10yrs) I can analyze that he is jealous of my determination, willpower, effort. When I say analyze it's not bad, it's looking at him, listening to what he is & isn't saying. Coming to a conclusion. He is my biggest cheerleader, but also my biggest excuse if I slack. We addressed it. And I have to realize how to respect him, me, the relationship with boundaries. It's a process of being self aware. It will always be a 'process'. That's good to know; so you don't have to be in a route (spell?). It's okay to have goals that make you an individual, it's also a good thing to have 'couple goals' to work on together. My story: I started pole after our relationship began, he is so influenced by his monster mom that poling is indecent, and doesn't want me to do it at all. I had to tell him that isn't an option. And to respect some other desire of his. Him knowing I will stand up for my pleasure is actually something he is proud of (& now knows I don't pole for defiance of social norms). He used to be the athletic one, now I am, & all the excuses of work,stress, time,energy, body pain are holding him in chains when I invite him to the gym. So I am alone (from my partner)in my journey - but I will continue the journey of strength, health, and discovery. You will too. Set and respect workout & relationship time boundaries.
calipolepixie · 1/6/2013
Glad the talk went well. My hubby is alot more supportive now but in the beginning, his attitude was hit or miss about my poling. But once I started involving him more in my pole world, letting him see what i was doing & why i enjoyed it (showing him amazing competition vids, took him to my pole studio performance nights etc), have him spot me when im learning new moves, have him watch me do moves or routines to make sure my extentions & lines are good, he helps me stretch etc. I ask his advice on certain moves I am struggling with (sometimes you just cant feel or see what you are doing wrong--my husband has helped me nail quite a few trouble moves by noticing that my leg wasnt extended enough or that i wasnt holding at the correct contact point etc). He is pretty strict & critical though, so hes a tough coach, so sometimes i have to cut his involvement off when he gets to be too nit picky...it becomes too much to handle lol Ofcourse I still have my pole private times without his involvement or input but i def dont hesitate to call him over to ask for his help when i need it & i think that has made all the difference in how he sees my poling world now because i dont exclude him completely from it.