Anyone else have a teenage daughter they want to throttle?

reenie aka Mysfit started this discussion · 6/23/2012

Heaven help me............I may kill her before she turns 17 in August. I am so close to the end of my rope...........It is times like this I really wish my mother was still alive cuz I would like to ask her how the hell we both survived! She has always been strong willed.....that's fine. That part doesn't bother me. What is really picking my arse is "this come and go as I please attitude", "the world owes me", and the complete lack of courtesy for anyone. She has been hanging out with this 20 year guy(who I don't care for) Which---I will tell you right off---is ODD for me. It is not very often that I dislike someone this much and I can not put my finger on exactly why I don't like him. However, as she is MY daughter-----I know exactly where putting my foot down and telling her she can't hang with him will get me......She will become spiteful and dishonest...........SO----I have really had to hold back on my opinion and restrictions. Seriously---I have been hoping that the brilliant, smart, level headed girl I have raised will see the forest for the trees.............. BUT it isn't happening. I honestly think he is a very manipulating little ass............Who is feeding her ego with all the shit she wants to hear, so what the hell does Mom know??!!!? The stupid thing to all of this------My daughter has a really nice boyfriend. Great kid. The asshat that is hanging around----knows this but it doesn't seem to make a lick of difference cuz he is her "friend" UGHHHHHHHH I am seriously close to pulling the little pr*ck aside and telling him I see through his crap and tell him that I am the last person on the planet he wants to f*ck with...............but I guarantee he would likely go whining to my daughter about it and then----OH boy.............the problems that would arise. I know this post likely isn't all that cohesive and I apologize for that..........I just honestly needed a place to dump my thoughts that my daughter isn't on. In this moment(not to say I would do it) but seriously.............I am thinking about just kicking her ass to the curb and letting her get a "taste" of what the real world is like. I have never had issues with her at all like this in the past...............It only begun when this butthead started whatever game he is playing. So---Logic denotes...........the problem is him. The common denominator----is him. How do I get rid of him without causing a huge bloody issue with her? Good lord............Boarding school may be an option..............Might look at that. OR---Military school..............Do they even have those for girls? Only half of me is kidding in those thoughts........... How on earth do we raise girls through to adulthood without wringing their damn necks? thanks you guys for reading..............I honestly just need a vent board that is safe from her eyes............and I am sure I am not the only one out there who has been or is going through this.............. hugs reenie

14 replies

Leanne Love · 6/23/2012
This is a tough spot for any mother, I'm sure. My mom hated one of my ex-boyfriends and she and I fought CONSTANTLY about how she wanted us to break up. However, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. He and I obviously weren't meant to be (he ended up breaking up with me for my best friend at the time; they are a really great couple though, I even realized it back then even though I was hurt) and fate ran its course and we ended up breaking up and much happier for it. Remember that she's young and love (young love especially) is pretty blind. You're her mother though, and as such your opinion should mean something to her (even if she doesn't immediately acknowledge that it does). I think 20 and 17 can be a significant age difference at that age, which probably adds to your concerns. Perhaps you and your daughter could do something fun together and when the moment is right you could bring up your concerns to her and discuss -- not fight about -- them? I've found that my mom and I find it easiest to have level-headed discussions about precarious topics when the mood is just right and we are getting along especially well. Being that she is so young, a lot of the advice you give her is likely to sink in later, at which point she will realize the truth of your words. At least, that's how it is for me. She's probably less likely to absorb any of it, however, if it's an argument about her boyfriend rather than a calm discussion about your concerns.
Leanne Love · 6/23/2012
Perhaps it should be noted that I don't have a teenage daughter to throttle...I AM the teenage daughter I'm sure my mom wants to throttle sometimes 😉 lol!
reenie aka Mysfit · 6/23/2012
Omg annieloo--thanks. You literally have me lol---in a good way. Your insight and humor are welcomed! I know all of those things about her---i just get so wrapped up in what feels like a constant power struggle that I forget. I actually just finished a chat with her telling her I don't want to be power struggling like this all the time. We discussed that she feels like I am giving her an ultimatum over this kid which I may not be saying out loud but some of my body language and behaviours may(ahem--yes--i will own that) be received by her that way. I told her I that I am not the only one who feels this way. Most of her friends don't care for him either. Its not just me. Not that it matters--the more I push(which I have been trying really hard not to do) the more she rebels. Oye. What a cycle. Again-- thanks for the teenagers perspective. It is truly and warmly appreciated. Hugs! Reenie
Runemist34 · 6/23/2012
Reenie, I think you're a little too close to this situation. You need to take a step back. First of all, your daughter may be your daughter, and she always will be, but she is no longer your "child." She's 16, and quickly (very quickly) becoming an adult. Her need to make her own decisions in life is something she has to fill, and something you're going to have to let her do. This is just something that every parent has to do, no matter what, or who, or where. All kids grow up into adults. I know that it is your responsibility to prepare her for the "real world," but boarding school and military school (while you may be joking on those, they're clearly in your head) are going to do the exact opposite of that. Those places are so far removed from the "real world." From what you've said, she doesn't know what this "real world" place is like- so, why not show her? Why not take her out in a SAFE way, and teach her about it? Does she know about work, and how much work one has to do in order to afford things like coffee or clothing? Does she know how bills work, or what they're for, or actually how expensive they are? Does she know how to handle work drama, and does she know what it can do to one's career? That all aside, this guy... do you know him? Do you actually know what he wants from your daughter? Is it possible that all he wants to be is her friend, and all she wants is to be his friend? And, besides that, what if he DOES want to sleep with her? Protecting your daughter from him may be exactly what you want to do, but will it prepare her for this "real world," in which there may be many, many other guys that want to sleep with her, whom she may or may not want? Does she know how to keep herself safe and say "no" to these guys, even if they're being totally sweet and are wonderful people? Because she'll have to learn eventually... and right now is possibly the best time. Right now, she's got you behind her, keeping her safe if she REALLY gets in trouble- but, knowing when she's REALLY in trouble is something else she's gotta figure out. Honestly, I'd say that if she doesn't come to you for help, let her do her thing. When she comes to you for help and you're there for her, everything is wonderful, and you'll both know that she's learned a lot from the experience. If you do it prior to her asking, however, you're stepping on her growth. In the end, if you're really, really bothered by this guy being around... talk to your daughter. Like an adult. No drama necessary, just tell her how you feel and what your suspicions are. Let her know, and then let her make the decisions. Have a discussion. She sounds like a smart person, and you are certainly one of those, so... come together as smart people to figure out what you can do for the both of you. Even that will be an amazing learning experience.
Leanne Love · 6/23/2012
Adding on one more thing (sorry!)...I agree that if you push too hard, it will have an effect opposite of your intent. I think if your daughter is the smart capable young woman you know her to be, she will figure it out! This is all just part of the growing-up process. Especially if her friends aren't crazy about her boyfriend, that may help her along as well; teenagers highly value their friends' approval. Just gotta have some faith in her! :)
reenie aka Mysfit · 6/23/2012
Man---I love you guys!! Really..............what I needed and hoped for..........You guys have given me. You have helped to bring my feet back down to the ground. No way in hell would I actually send her anywhere.........I was just frustrated and on the verge of tears as I find these difficult power struggles----well-----difficult. She is a carbon copy of me and I actually remember these same issues with my own mother and I am trying to be as "gracious" in my approach as my mother was. I so wish she was here to gain some insight from. We have tried to raise both of them fairly "real world" friendly......they have not been sheltered from much. We have always dealt with things as a family. The good, the bad, the great and the ugly. She had found a job, then gave her notice and quit as it was cutting way too much into her schooling. She is a distance learning student and will graduate early. She only has 4 more courses to finish for Grad...... I know I have to trust that I have done my job well, she is as prepared as I am capable of helping her with and let her make her way slowly on her own......I am just finding it tough. Thanks for being the sounding board............and offering up views........I feel alot better guys.. Her & I actually had a pretty good talk after I made the first post............Solved some of the problems............As I mentioned to her............In past----we have always communicated.....always talked.........I don't know how/why that changed in the past few months, but communication is the key. We need to get back to that communication Again.......Thanks guys!
NaughtyLibrarian · 6/23/2012
It sounds like she's usually a pretty level-headed kid and that this guy is out of character for her. You're telling US that she's really smart, capable and makes good decisions (usually), but have you told HER that. Not in an OMG, I though you were smarter than this way, but really earnestly. I'll preface this by saying I have a 3 y/o son, not a teenage daughter, but yes, I was one of the difficult ones, and I've spent some time doing volunteer counseling with teens and parents who were having difficulties. The main thing I've heard from teens is that they feel like they are not being heard by their parents. I would suggest telling her that you'd like to talk again, but that more importantly you'd really like to listen to what she has to say. Make it a whole bonding day if you can. Shopping, mani/pedis (if that's your thing) or maybe something you guys did together when she was younger, but haven't in a while. Sit down to lunch someplace nice. Then tell her all the things you've told us. How smart she is, how proud of her you are. Tell her why this guy, to you, doesn't seem to fit with all those things you know about her. Then ask her what you're missing. What does she see in him and what is she getting from the relationship. In all likelihood her reasons will make you want to shake her and scream "Don't you see that he's manipulating you?", but try to refrain from doing so. (This is why being in a public restaurant is a good idea :P) Instead, thank her for sharing with you and tell her you know that she is smart and capable enough to make good decisions. BUT, that you will always be her mother, always worry about her, and always be there for her if her good judgement tells her that she might need some advice or help. Tell her you love her so very much. Good luck.
Dancing Paws · 6/23/2012
It sounds like your daughter is a pretty decent kid all around, so trying to punish her doesn't sound like a good idea. There are a few things you need to consider. 1) She is at the age where people expect her to act like an adult, but treat her like a child. That does't work. She needs to be treated like an adult. At 16, I would go hang out with my firneds, but my mom just requested I be back by midnight (so she could finally go to sleep without worrying about me.) I was allowed to go out as I pleased. I didn't have to ask permission. I would tell my mom I was going out with my friends and she'd say "okay, be back by midnight.") 2) She is at the stage where she needs to be able to make her own choices (and mistakes.) She needs to have freedom. If she feels restricted, she will act out. I had a very understanding mom who treated me like an adult, and I acted like one in return. If this guy is truly a dickhead, then she will figure it out at some point, but she has to come to that conclusion on her own. There will probably be a lot of heartache from it, but that is a big part of life. Learning these lessons is crucial to growing. I'm sure you did things when you were young where you now think "what the hell was I thinking!?" That is how we mature. She needs to learn these things, and sometimes we have to learn them the hard way. You just have to be there to support her when things do go awry. I cannot express how grateful I am for my mother being there for me. nYou can give advice, but she's at the age where she needs to act on these things on her own; she cannot be forced into something.
Riddleboxxy · 6/24/2012
My story is from the teenager PoV, haha. Though I was already 18, my mom hated my new "You can't stop me" attitude (I was NEVER allowed out by myself so it was exhilerating for me hahah) and my best friend of 3 years on the Internet started hanging around in the real. I was engaged at the time too so my mom felt cautious. My bf was also loud, cursed a lot, had a punk rock, idgaf attitude and also smoked pot (though she didn't know that at the time, I'm sure she suspected it.) She always said she liked him, though I could tell something about him turned her off to him. My whole family was/is this way still, and even some of my friends think he's wacky and off.. Lol Though he seems really straightforward, loud, and just plain... Unorthodox..? He cares for me a lot, and has done more for me in protecting me and being there for me, in general than anyone in my life ever has! My fiancé and I ended up not working out, because.. Well.. When my bf came around IRL, I began changing.. And so did my fiancé. I began not caring what people thought, and standing up for myself.. Which made me fight with my fiancé who constantly tried to tell me I was straying from the path of God (because of my music.) I am now with my best friend, and have been for almost 3 years. I'm the happiest I've ever been! I'm not saying this is what will happen, but you never know the underlying happenings of people's relationships. Sorry if it was long! I feel like a freak pretty much ranting my love life -.- Haha. I see you have had some positive outcomes with your daughter already, but I wish you the best of luck either way!:D
GiedreB · 6/24/2012
My story will also be from the teenager's point of view. All my life my mom (for no particular reason, whatsoever) has made huge restictions in my life. When I was 15-16, I was supposed to be home at 4p.m., through the years up to now I have fought to win three more hours of out-of-home time. So now, the latest I can be out is 7p.m. I am 20 years old. My mom WILL NOT even consider the idea of me moving out to live on my own because, well... she said so. That's it. At some points her behaviour may seem as being overprotective, but at times (as she stated HERSELF, when she would be in a bad mood) that it is to make me feel worse. She felt safe if I had no friends, meaning I wouldn't get influenced and wouldn't get any bad habits like smoking, drinking or drugs (although, I am completely against that, I don't tolerate that, but she doesn't believe me). At one point I started seeing this guy. This was last year, when I was 19 years old. He was a medical student, aged 22. And I thought - hey, maybe I should tell her that I have a man beside me? Because he would protect me if I go out someplace and I would be safe. That was a mistake. She didn't like the fact at all, and the main reason why she didn't like it was that his parents weren't smartly educated, meaning that they had simplier jobs, if I can say that. His mom was a dressmaker and I can't remember what his dad did. Anyway, she did all she could in her power for me to see him less and less and eventually break up, what did happen. Even before this event, I was already socializing with my mother very very VERY rarely because she wouldn't like anything I told her about my friends and classmates and forbid me doing it (nothing bad, I mean, things like going to the lake or an evening out in town). So I just stopped communicating with my family - I'm saying family because my mom is the head of the house and her word is the last one in the family, so everybody listens to her. I just don't trust them anymore. And right now I have secretly been dating a guy for more than a year. I love him so much, he's such a nice guy that I don't want to screw it up again by telling my family about him. And because of the silly restrictions I am also moving out next week and my family still doesn't know that. I feel horrible for doing that but I just have to fight for my right to live a fullfilled social life. I have never been a bad child. I have never been seriously in trouble apart from trying to gain more freedom and in that way being a bit of a rebel by coming home an hour later. I'm sorry for this very long story of my life but let it be something you can look up to - if you try to restrain your daughter too much, you're bound to lose her. And I wish that doesn't happen to you because it seems you have a lovely daugter and I hope you won't ruin your relationship like I did.
Leanne Love · 6/24/2012
Omg Giedre, I must say good for you for taking a stand and planning to move out! I know it's horrible to just up and leave one day, but your mother's behavior is completely out of line and if you wait for permission you will probably be there forever just going crazy. I can't say my parents are that extreme, but I certainly see some similarities in their -- particularly my mother's -- irrational behavior. For example, I recently told my mother I may spend the weekend at my best friend's (whom she and I have known for 8 years) cabin and she absolutely forbid it because she had gotten it into her head that I was really going to a hotel with my boyfriend for the weekend. Totally out of the blue!! I also have been talking to other guys recently, just chatting as friends (I work with almost all men, so naturally I'm going to talk to them), and even though I know she doesn't like my boyfriend because his parents don't have much money and he's too short and "chubby" by her standards, she (and my dad too) now thinks I'm an easy girl who's desperare for attention and cheating on my boyfriend. Again, all of these ideas she came up with on her own! I'm getting long-winded here but I just wanted to say good for you for finding a way out of their grasp. As unfortunate as it is, they really don't seem to be giving you any other choice! Whether they like it or not, I too plan on moving out when I finish school in two years so I can go to grad school out of state. They absolutely hate the idea of me moving out and think the idea of going to a non-local school is stupid but I seriously need to live my own life as the responsible, level-headed woman they raised me to be -- a fact they don't seem to understand. Again, sorry for this long post! Haha :)
Dancing Paws · 6/24/2012
GiedreB - Wow doll! That is awful. I am so happy for you that you are going out on your own. It saddens me to hear about parenting like that. Parents are meant to prepare their children for adult life, not try to keep them as children. Your mom really is missing out on a great adult relationship between mother and daughter. Maybe your moving wout will be a reality check for her, when she sees you are doing fine and are happy. I wish you the best! :)
GiedreB · 6/24/2012
Thank you :) I guess, every mother has her own perspective of how to raise and educate their children, so it's hard to tell them - hey, what you're doing is wrong. And every mother would be deeply hurt if she was told that she was doing a bad job raising her kids. All I know is that when I have my children, I won't forbid them to have a social life. Because the forbidden fruit is always the sweetest. And if you keep your children tied close to you, they are bound to make drastic desicions when they have a chance. Clearly I am a good example :) I'm not proud of what I am about to do but I just have no other option. Whenever I try to talk about this with my mom, she ends up being hurt and I end up being the guilty one.
Dancing Paws · 6/24/2012
GiedreB - There is nothing wrong with wanting your independence. You are an adult, and legally allowed to make your own decisions. In fact, you have been legally allowed that for several years now.