Tyanna started this discussion ·
Does TRULY loving yourself mean that you could or should be content with lack of physical contact and/or affection? Given that this site is big on loving yourself, I figured it would be a good place to ask this. Thank you ladies and gents in advance for you input.
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Paunobs ·
I believe we all need physical touch to be able to thrive, My clients whom have interlectual disabilities have no family contact. crave hugs and they love it if you give them one! To truly love yourself all things need to be in balance.:-)
I'm with Paunobs. I've read bits and peices of info here and there people who live a more solitary life die sooner than people with loved ones. I think it's almost a biological instinct to seek affection. There are even cases of animals that will assimilate to other species or try to form an attatchment with them if they are isolated from their group.
I totally think one can be solitary without implying that a person lacks self love. i prefer solitude and lived alone, perfectly content, for over 10 years. i thrive when i am alone. i think lots of artists are that way
Two totally different concepts. You can still be a hermit and not love yourself. I love myself but I think I would shrivel up and die if I did not have human or animal contact. I know for certain that I would be a very unhappy individual.
JhennD ·
I feel love is a personal value. Only you can define, qualify, quantify that word's meaning. Ask yourself this question- if someone said 'I love you' What do you think that means? If you were to say or feel 'I love__' What do you think that means? Remember the saying " I love bacon so much" (yes I do because I said it at breakfast) and my coworker laughs 'Then marry it, if you love it so much!' See how shallow and loose we throw around words and meanings? For the longest time my bf and I would say 'I appreciate you' because the L word is like taboo in his family (never heard it exchanged) it was nice to hear 'You know I actually Love you, right?' In his family, emotional exchange and display is a no-no. And his mom has said "Real women don't need emotional or physical reassurance in a relationship." I was floored. But I DO. And I am okay with needing, wanting, desiring conectiveness. I'm okay with others not. I guess the moral of my rant is I think it varies with people. I feel there's nothing wrong with one way or another. MY way is soft-core physical and emotional expression.
I love myself (that sounds really big headed, ah well!!) and I love human contact too. I have been brought up to cuddle and snuggle up on the sofa, i love cuddling it's the best feeling :-)
Tyanna, it sounds like you might be asking a very general question about a very specific issue. Is this playing out in your life in some way that has it on your mind? Of course you don't have to share if you don't want to, I just wanted to open the door for that question. You're free to not step through it. "Truly" loving yourself is going to have different definitions for different people, and is going to feel different to different people. There are no strict and firm rules about what "loving yourself" means. So, does it mean you could or should be content without physical affection/contact? No, it does not. Likewise, if you are dissatisfied with the level and type of physical affection you are getting from someone in your life, that does not mean you don't truly love yourself. Self-love is an amazing thing, but it is not everything. Loving yourself does not make you indepedent from the influence of other sources of love. In fact, loving yourself is a key stepping stone to being able to accept love from others, because by loving yourself, you indicate that you believe yourself to be worthy of love. (It's surprising and saddening how many women don't feel they deserve to be loved, and put up with unhealthy relationships because of this.) This won't be true for everyone, because some people simply don't like to be touched, but look at it this way: By wanting and inviting others to touch you affectionately, you are deliberately requesting more love for yourself. Not because you don't have enough self-love, but because you love being loved! And there's nothing wrong with that. ❤️
Tyanna ·
Thank you ALL for your responses. Pankake, this question really rang in my head for days before I finally even posted it! As JhennD touched on, I grew up in a house with no physical contact or affection. It was hard to even have a friend litereally lean on me or run up for hugs when they hadn't seen me in awhile. I only figured it was due to not wanting to be touched from earlier molestations. Hugs and kisses just weren't expressed in my home. As I have grown older, I did manage to recieve but it was always with a question. A way to get close and do something to me. I KNOW every one isn't out to hurt and I did manage to not think or believe EVERYONE is the same, thankfully. With that I had grown to be accustumed to standing back. It did help me to learn how to verbally express myself thouroughly. I learned to stand alone yet strong. Despite the past I am a very affectionate person, if I am comfortable and have done my assessment. I guess the "want" is nagging and I tried to ignore it to be able to get other things done. This year has been big for me caring for and loving myself. Being a caregiver for SO long I had always put myself off far to the side or the backburner somewhere. So when I did start my self love, it was an "oh yeah" type moment. Learning to say No and give as much to myself,if not more, as I have done others. I guess you could say I tried to trick myself again... I do love myslelf, I do love to be loved and very much invite it, again, if it is right. Its just something I cannot force myself to look past anymore as if it doesn't exist. As you wonderful ladies have reminded me. Whew, again thank you all so much for your input, I could only ask my self that question so much, but I am glad I put it out there for others opinions and thoughts....
Tyanna, thanks for sharing! That takes courage. Please correct me if I'm interpreting you wrong, but I sense that you were feeling conflicted about craving physical/touch affection from others while your intention was focused on giving yourself love in an internal, personal way. I am glad to see that you understand these two things don't contradict each other! It sounds like you have been through some rough times - I extend sympathy and internet-hugs to you. It sounds, too, like you are on a good path and are taking the right steps to support your recovery from/adjustment to these experiences, so I applaud you for that. Self-care is an amazing thing, too, and separate from self-love; self-love is generally about accepting yourself, flaws and all, while self-care is about taking the time and effort to prioritize your own needs and make sure they are met regularly. In general, women in our culture are conditioned to be beasts of burden, sacrificing self-care to care for others and putting everyone else's needs, preferences and desires ahead of their own. That can be a slippery slope to depression, and it certainly doesn't facilitate self-love. That wasn't meant to be a lecture at you or anything - I am glad to see you prioritizing self-care, especially if you've spent a long time as a primary caregiver for someone else. I just wanted to sing the praises of self-care a bit. :)
Tyanna ·
Pankake, Thank you for the hugs!!😀 You are right on, I was conflicted about this. Definatly conditioned to be a beast of burden. Also, it wasn't a lecture at all to me. Just another great way for me to see its okay to ask for help on thoughts!!
JhennD ·
And just because you are not receiving what you need of the love you need, it doesn't mean you're non deserving or going about it wrong to achieve it. Sometimes I would pay for myself and boyfriend to get a couples massage together for the intimacy of physical touch. It wasn't sexual, it was therapeutic. It is so for so many people who don't have that part in their lives. I have finally grown up, for me that is self awareness and not being ashamed about that awareness. It's sometimes on the back burner - I put my job ahead, others happiness, family issues ahead. But when I can and do evaluate myself on those items and realize I can change- physically, emotionally, philosophically. I'm proud I have that. I can realize I love myself, and I'm not doing things that prove it- or I am doing things that others can see I do. I agree this community of Venners is amazingly open and supportive, thank you all for that!
HotPhlip ·
We have so many wise women in our community. Great insights everyone. I believe that being CONNECTED to mySELF aligns me with my desires be it being alone or with a partner. I am with an amazing life partner, and at the same time, I enjoy my alone time. When one is connected to Self...that is always being present in the moment, your more clear about your desires, everything you do is also more authentic and this is including DANCING :). I'm a professional singer, and when I am connected with Self, I'm connected with my audience! It's an amazing feeling. Have an amazing day everyONE!
As HotPhlip said, this community is very wise. Physical contact and love of oneself are not necessarily linked, and everyone's need or tolerance for physical contact is different. However, it does start with loving yourself. Regardless of gender, status or age, you should always love yourself. To look at yourself in the mirror and be proud of the person looking back at you takes time and, for lack of a better word, commitment. You have to spend more time loving yourself, respecting who you are and developping your own abalities and knowledge than anything else. You are like a piece of art in the making, constantly evolving and improving and that's what you should love the most about yourself. The fact that no matter what has happened to you, where you started from or where you are going, you can still grow and learn to love who you are. "Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You." Dr. Seuss Have a great day!
