I am so sorry about your marriage. It's horrible that some small-minded people are trying to make you feel dirty for doing something you love, and that's it's affecting your family life.
Having said that, I respectfully disagree with trying to eliminate all association with female sexuality from poledancing, because the problem is not really that poledancing is open and sometimes brash about it, the problem is that society tries to tell women that they should be ashamed of their bodies, their activities, and their sexuality.
Why is it that there is a stigma for women who strip, but not nearly as much judgement of the men who go to strip clubs? What is inherently wrong with sex or the female body?
I do agree that making poledancing more asexual would make life easier for all of us. Like you say, a lot of people are small minded. These people would do anything to try to make us women feel bad about ourselves and try to dictate what we can and can't do with our bodies. But by educating the world on how poledancing is not about stripping or sexuality, it just reinforces the view that there is something wrong with female sexuality, and I know you don't believe that, because you respect women who strip and enjoy sexy dancing. We have no reason to be ashamed.
Removing sexuality from poledancing would be good for poledancers in the short term, but bad for women in the long run. Of course, it's easy for me to say this, because I live in Australia, where the conservative fringe is far less vocal and powerful (and by conservative I mean in terms of views of women and sex, not necessarily politically). Plus, I have not been affected personally by this stigma, so it is easier for me to take the feminist stance. For other women, the decision to openly embrace their sexuality is far more difficult, and also far more courageous, and I would never begrudge a woman who chose to downplay her sexuality for her own safety and/or mental health.
I hope that your husband can learn to accept that you are doing something that makes you feel happy, and love you for it. And I hope that your sons grow up to learn that all women are free to make choices about their own bodies, and all are worthy of respect, whether they are not overtly sexual, or strip for money.
You have my admiration for being brave enough to do something you enjoy in an environment that is not supportive of it. If downplaying the sexual side of poledancing would make life easier for you personally, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, all of us choose to dance in whatever way we want. But I hope that one day no woman will have to be ashamed to be true to herself. The only way poledancing is ever dirty is if you use a brass pole and it makes your hands all green :)
I wish you a lot of love and good luck for the future.
