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The Bachelor Party/Strip Club Dilemma
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AriFerrari, I feel the same way about strip clubs as you. I have been married 16 years, and my husband hasn't ever been to a strip club. Maybe it's the crowd we run with, but the bachelor parties have usually been going to a concert, or private tours and tasting at a brewery, that sort of thing. Don't let the other people make you feel bad about your decision. The whole bachelor party thing is a complete double standard. I bet if any of those guys giving you a hard time about it had a girlfriend or wife who took some racy pictures of herself and said, "While you're out at the strip club, I'm going to send these pictures to some random guys. Don't worry, I won't have sex with anyone, but I wonder if they'll get turned on, or masturbate!" it would be a completely different story. lol
If you're not comfortable with it (as I wouldn't be either), then it can be damaging to your relationship. It sounds like your husband values you and respects your feelings, and his friends could learn a lesson or two from him about how to sustain a happy, loving relationship. One mediocre night out with the guys isn't worth upsetting your marriage or putting your personal values away for the night. Don't let their double standards make you feel like a bitch or untrusting, or whatever. They sound like jerks.
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I know this was a while ago but hey, that's what forums are for. 🙂
I think the point here isn't whether or not you should or shouldn't be comfortable with strip clubs, whether you feel jealous or not – the point here is knowing what boundaries are right for you and for your partner, and being able to communicate and aspire to them. Personally if my partner wanted to go to a strip club I would be fine with it, but then there are things I would not be ok with that other people in other relationships would be. We as a couple have our boundaries, which we have chosen, just as others choose theirs. Above all, communication and respect for your partner is what is key. The world is not going to end by your husband not going to a strip club, nor will it end if he does – but the first option is much more respectful to his partner.
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I noticed my original post was featured on Studioveena.com's Facebook earlier today so I thought I would pop in and update for anyone interested on how this all played out for me and my husband.
While I appreciated each different view/idea I was offered, we still decided to stick to our guns. He did not end up going to a strip club for any of the bachelor parties he attended. Notice I said "parties" 😉 While I can see how it would have been tempting to "grin and bear it", my initial post was not written in light of just one bachelor party. In 2012 my husband and I were involved in the wedding parties of several different friends and family members. One of these weddings even had two bachelor parties to accommodate groomsmen from different towns! Two of these weddings were one weekend after the other, as were their bachelor parties. Basically, my husband would have become a strip club veteran by the time it was all said and done!
I think what inspired my original, in-depth rant was the frequency in which we were dealing with this issue at the time. But while I may have never been frustrated enough to blog about it, I still would have come to the same conclusion even if it had only been a single incident. We ultimately both felt better about him not going. And in the end, I'm glad I did not go ahead and suck it up for the sake of social acceptance on this one.
While this may not even be something worth discussing in many relationships, it became a major and reoccurring theme for us last year. Eventually, I just decided that whether the majority or minority agrees with me on my views involving relationship issues does not really matter. In the end, it is really only about the people in the relationship working through their issues (big or small) with respect and consideration for the feelings and beliefs of their partner. This is exactly what my hubs and I did in this case.
So, when it comes to "the bachelor party/strip club dilemma," this is what works for us and will continue to work this year as we have another wedding plus bachelor/bachelorette parties to attend this September!
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Hi,
I have just read this and you are a brilliant writer. I could not have said it better myself.
Anywho, I have had the same discussion with my fiancé and it can be a big deal in a relationship. I find it to be a very taboo subject and because of that, it needs to be discussed.
I have the very same issue about my fiancé going to strip clubs. He doesn’t like them either and knows how I feel about them.
I might also add that to those that will say things such as “everyone does it”, you wouldn’t allow your man to get intimate with a girl that he met at a club, so what makes a strip club any different? I also believe that in a relationship, you should not put yourself in a tempting situation. My views are the same as yours, I don’t make judgement on women that allow their partner to go to a strip club and therefore I believe I should receive the same respect back.
The fact that it has become a norm makes it very hard on the women that don’t appreciate their man seeing strippers.
This conversation came up in my relationship a few times and more or less at the start of our relationship.
I’ve had his uncle tell him to have a stripper at his bachelor party and quote unquote “the stripper is what makes the party”. He handled it very well. I wasn’t there but he told me later that day. I completely understand where you are coming from and it can make it difficult when some people don’t care or respect your relationship. At the end of the day, you are coming home to him and vice versa, which means any outside comments should be thrown out.
I am very glad you brought this topic up because there are a lot of women that get put in the same situation.
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Quoted
" I'd like to suggest a totally different way of looking at this. Bachelor parties are like going to a communion Mass and drinking wine when you, in fact, abhor drinking and despise alcohol as a vice. In other words, the "Mass" is not a "drinking party" and even though you may have sworn to abjure and abstain from alcohol, drinking the tiny bit of wine ritually defined as the body of Christ is entirely understood as a "rite" and not an actual instance of "drinking."
OK, so when guys get together to humiliate their buddy and act stupid at the strip club, joke around, get a little grind and booby touching, it is, metaphorically speaking, a RITUAL. It's not sex, it's not stimulating, it's not a betrayal. Mostly, for your typical, regular, normal bunch of mature men, it's understood to be mostly bullshit.
I respect your feelings about the sanctity of your marriage, but I think you are overreacting here. Your man loves you. He's going to go to his friend's party; he's going to grin and bear it, smile through his anxiety, then come home with a big sigh of relief. He's going to do these things for the same reason he had to take naked showers in high school, or be the last one picked for soccer, or get punched in the face because he wears glasses–because he is a man and that's what is expected of him. Then he will come home and make love to his beautiful wife.
Give your hubby a $20 for a lap dance, kiss him on the cheek, tell him to have fun–then call your girlfriends up for some wine and scary movies on AMC channel. He will appreciate being released from this guilt and anxiety about his relationship with you. When he gets home, remind him–in that way you know how–exactly WHY he married you and not the girl at the club.
My 2 cents.
Joel Lessing
Forest Park, Illinois
("Poledancefan")"This is directed towards the words I read in this post though they come from you, this is not directed at you personally Joel Lessing (in fact I rather enjoy most of your contributions) but at what you had to say. Shut the fuck up. No I don’t mean it with all that vitriol and what not but that is some bullshit that guys try to sell to women to get away with walking in the shade. As someone who could have written MrsNaughtywed’s post verbatim down to the dual lapdance and funny feelings AND someone who has worked more bachelor parties than anyone here would care to know about and what you said about it not being stimulating and not betrayal is bull. And a little grind and booby touching? How would the reciprocal be received?? Would a man (not necessarily you) be okay with his woman participating in a little dick-y touching and a little clit-y grinding?
For some men, what you say is the truth, for others, not so much. And whether it’s a betrayal or not has more to do with whether the cards are on the table AND the partner is okay with it. I’ve given lapdances/played party games with a husband and wife, they were both cool. Then it was bullshit, then it was fun. But please don’t tell any female that a man with naked women in his face is going to “grin and bear it”. Oh! The suffering!!!! C’mon! what you said to the OP was some run of the mill sell her some shit shut to her up. And why the hell should she hand him and $20 and tell him to get a dance if she’s not comfortable with it? That’s not gonna make her more comfortable. You don’t SHOW respect for her feelings about her marriage by telling her she is overreacting here.
My .02 like I said not personal against you. Truth be told, personal against the fool who tried to sell me that RITUAL, (he used the word tradition, same thing) when he was very much enjoying himself.
Aviva
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First I want to say that its awesome how helpful everyone is on this site. I can really tell you all care about this person's dilema.
I would not be comfortable with mine going to a strip club. I don't think that makes me a bitch and I dont think it makes you a 'bitch wife' for not wanting yours to go. Sex is an intimate thing, and to go to a place where someone is selling sex ruins the point. Men are supposedly visual so watching a pair of boobs bounce around is enough to be intimate.
@Joel Lessing – I'm sure it is funny and less serious than women make it. The problem is, whether its a game or not, it hurts us who care's feelings. Strip clubs are not about modest nudity or embarrassing guys, they're about exploiting the ability a woman has to turn a man on with her body. If mine needs to go to a strip club to have fun its hard to believe hes not there for other reasons as well. Maybe men are not there to get aroused, but I'm sure it happens in the process.
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"Eventually, I just decided that whether the majority or minority agrees with me on my views involving relationship issues does not really matter. In the end, it is really only about the people in the relationship working through their issues (big or small) with respect and consideration for the feelings and beliefs of their partner. This is exactly what my hubs and I did in this case."
This right here is awesome! Good for you, AriFerrari.
@Joel Lessing- Maybe I am reading this wrong but when you said to remind your man why he married you and not the club girl aren't you implying that we married for sex? So the only reason he is with me and not the other girl is I will have sex with him? https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_confused.gif
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Sounds like your marrige, is a really good one! 🙂 Let him, say to his friends, that he is not comfortable with it. You could always give him a lapdance or a poleshow yourself. That way, you wont be "that kind of wife" – You would be that kind of wife, most men dream about 🙂
Personally I dont mind at all, if my hubby goes to a club. I actually so badly want to go to a strip club myself. But he doesnt feel comfortable with going, because he doesnt want any lapdances, from others than me, and unfortunatly, that means, I cant get one either. I respect that, because I love him, and because Im proud, he only wants me 🙂 So we create our own little private stripclub, with me as the star. Makes it really easy to compromise 😀
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Most-to-all women (with the exception of those who have honest-to-god psychiatric disorders) are hardwired very similar if not the same, mentally and emotionally. And what I say next may offend those who state that they aren't the jealous type and they wouldn't be upset if their significant other wanted to hit up a strip club, but it needs to be said.
I don't care, who you are, what you say, or how you normally act, women are driven mostly by emotions or emotional rationality and instinct. No amount of trust or high self esteem is going to counter that little voice in the back of your head that tells you something doesn't quite feel right about this situation.
Most woman, whether they want to admit it or not, get that small twinge of fear when a situation like this one comes up and their heart is invested. We all know what goes on at most strip clubs (especially if we've been to one), and unfortunately it is rather painful to see or know that someone we love dearly is ogling another's goodies regardless if it's just a one time thing-bachelor party-bleeblooblee situation.
I can say all of this with certainty because I've been through this same situation on more than one occasion with more than one x-boyfriends. Men are also hardwired, but unlike us, they're hardwired on a more sexual level in that it is in their nature to spread their seed quantifiably. I'm not saying that their conscious self is thinking this. It comes through on the mental waves of their little head. Their brain may be saying I have boundaries, I love my wife and she is amazing and hot, etc., but their little brain is saying hubba-hubba to what's grinding in their faces giving them instant gratification.
I hate to be an advocate for the roaming eyes of men but it really isn't their fault. It's like a person who's in love with food that is trying to be faithful and healthy but a huge greasy/cheesy burger is offered up on a silver platter. Of course the thoughts of cheating or indulging are going to be there. It's a natural response to the body's physical needs and desires. The only way to eliminate the desire for something, one must eliminate the source of that desire.
I, myself, am married now and happily I might add. We met when we were 17 (we're both 30 now) and funny thing is he's actually been my in between assholes guy up until about 4 years ago. And just like any relationship out there we've had our fare share of ups and downs, one down in particular stemming from a situation just like this one. After So many years of dating and having to revisit this issue over and over again with every guy I've dated, when we decided to finalize things I told him the following:
"Look, I can't stop you from going where you want to go, seeing who you want to see, doing what you want to do. You are your own man and I love you no matter what. However, as a legally, spiritually, physically, and emotionally bound couple, mine becomes ours and yours becomes ours, including our bank account and therefore earnings from labor each week. And if you think that I'm going to blow my well earned money on woman taking off their clothes to broadcast their second pair of eyes and lips, you are out your damned mind!"
This obviously means that if he's going to sacrifice this dirty pleasure for you, you must sacrifice something for him. In my case I give him what he wants whenever and however (sexually), and we are in agreement that makes things more even. I don't know if this method of marital compromise will work for every couple but it has certainly made things more exciting and interesting for us these past four years.
Also, for the "she's that type of wife" sayers, they are referring to wives who are not adventurous like you are, in that they don't pole dance for fun and exercise like you do. Why the f*** go to a strip club and blow all your money on strangers when your own effing wife already has the moves, practice, and enthusiasm to perform for you for free!! It's a pretty obvious decision if you ask me.
I'll tell you what to have your husband say to the so called groom/groomsmen, "Hey! My wife pole dances. I can see if she'll call up a few of her friends to put on a show for us and it won't cost a thing!."
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i don’t care where he gets his appetite from, as long as he always eats at home
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Just saying…
Joel is as entitled to his opinion as anyone else. I appreciate him sharing it. It seems I remember reading/seeing him discussing his first strip club visit a couple of years ago.. (Joel am I crazy?) Hahaha I guess I may be since I apparently have a psychiatric disorder. By the way, blanket statements are almost always offensive. Also Yes it is about self confidence/self worth. My husband & I have boundaries and I have enough self worth to walk away if he crosses them.
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obviously it has been a while since this post was started and has since ressurrected..
there are exceptions and grey areas in EVERY situation.
I think trust comes with maturity from both people in a relationship.
There are certain sexual acts that I would never participate in.. I dont consider going to a strip club to be on the scale of a sexual act (at least in my book) but for some people it is.. For those of you that refuse the strip club idea, have you ever enjoyed watching porn with your partner?? I view as the same thing its just in a strip club its live…
The girls want your money. They have other clients in the room, you wont always get boob action if its busy and if you arent throwing big bills.
Going to a strip club with your partner can be a really fun experience. It was nothing less than fun and exciting everytime my fiance and i went…
I consider this a cultural issue as well. Strip clubs are big where I live…
We know what to expect when we go, to spend at least 200$ after covers, drinks, and tips for the girls.
So i wouldnt consider myself to have a psychological issue either (im with you on that PlatinumAni)
in my case, its socially acceptable and i accept and personally enjoy it… so i certainly wouldnt mind if my man went with his friends for a bach party because ive experienced it and know what to expect… -
I have to chime in quickly here and reiterate something that PlatinumAni touched on, in the hopes of keeping the conversation constructive. Making a statement that we are all the same based on some demographic characteristic whether it be sex or skin color or anything else, has the potential to be quite offensive and I would assume I don't have to explain why.
I would like to say I have had the privilege of getting to know many, many couples in our travels around the country and there is most certainly many different approaches to sexuality and what everyone is really comfortable with and none of them are wrong. Making the statement that all men are categorically X and all women are categorically Y denies the amazing diversity of beliefs that allows mankind to fill the broad social spectrum it does.
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There are many many swinging couples out there with very happy marriages who obviously wouldn’t mind their partner taking pleasure in another person as long as communication is open and honest. Those people are sane just like anybody else, they just have a different view on the issues of how marriage is defined through love vs. sex. Everyone is entitled to their relationship ideals on both extremes of the spectrum.
I personally would be the girl that gives her man $20 and sends him off to the strip club with a pat on the bum, a wink, and a smile. I know that, aside from the expected booby brush-ups and grinding, he won’t take it any further. Because I know him so intimately, I know he simply does not have the ability to keep dark secrets. It would riddle him in guilt. So as long as we communicate and our unique boundaries are laid out, it’s all good.
Obviously my opinion is totally different from OP’s, and I’m not trying to change her mind at all. I’m just showing an example of how vastly different women’s views can be on what is and is not appropriate in a relationship. This does not make any of us more or less sane or reasonable than the next woman.
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I totally understand! Society is has some screwed up sexist views in my opinion. Is there anyway you might be ok with him just tagging along and just getting a beer and laying low? I have danced in a club for almost 10 years, and trust me, we don't like the bachelor parties either! Depending on where they are from they can be a bit much to say the least. Also, to reinterate what some other ladies said, it really depends on where you are and what club. In Portland, a lot of the clubs are strictly no touching, and air dances, with most of the activity being laying dollars on the stage while the girl shakes her booty (visual entertainment). I personally think most women are much more ok with the idea of their husband tagging along as long as they don't get lap dances, or smothered by some girls boobs.
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I agree with Joel here. I bumped into my fella towards the end of his lads night out a few months back and we all ended up going to a strip club. One guy had a dance which he said was unstimulating, one guy actually fell asleep and my bf refused the dance I offered to buy him. The other three just drank their drinks and chatted. A lot of men really don’t enjoy it that much, it’s just the done thing at some boys dos.
Whilst I understand your right as a wife to disagree with the plans and stop him from going, I don’t understand your reasons for wanting to. He doesn’t have to have a dance, he doesn’t have to be touched and you should trust him to say no.
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I know I am not typical, but maybe I can shed some light on how many different types of people exist.
I am attracted to men and women. I've known this about myself for a long time. I happened to fall in love with and marry my husband (who is straight) but all things being equal, if he were a woman, I would have wanted to marry him (her?) anyway.
We also belong to the community that Danielle Tillie mentioned. We are happily married and monogamous, but we do engage in occasional sexual activity with other people. We always do it together, safely, and with other committed couples in our exact same situation. You would be surprised to know just how common this is. The internet has made it easier for people like us to connect and do something that is healthy, but still widely misunderstood and stigmatized. I would put it on the level of intolerance of homosexuality in many parts of America. It works for us because we don't have to hide anything and truly be who we are. It's not for everyone, but it is exactly what we needed.
So going back to strip clubs – we are in a unique position. We often find that we are attracted to the same people. We have attended clubs together, and it's truly for the benefit of both of us. I'm not there to babysit him, I'm a paying customer there to enjoy the show like anyone else. (Chatting up a particularly athletic stripper is what got me interested to try pole classes! Well, that and going to see Cirque du Soleil.) Some dancers really enjoy women like me, and other times they seem confused or even upset that I'm there. I know that many dancers are not gay/bi and don't know how to interact with a female customer who is. If I sense any discomfort, I just chat about pole tricks and that ends up being fun too. There is a wide range of attitudes even among dancers! And all are equally valid.
My husband has also been to clubs without me. He gets to enjoy seeing women who are the complete opposite of my body type and enjoy a bit of escapism, and then comes home to take a shower and enjoy boring married life with me. I haven't gone to a club by myself yet, but it would be the same idea. For us, variety is the spice of life and allows us to enjoy ourselves and still come home to the most perfect person.
I look at it like differing attitudes toward nudity. I am American, but I recently spent time in Germany. The tradition there is to be naked in saunas for sanitary reasons (bathing suits can hold a lot of germs). I was naked in front of countless other people, male and female, all ages, for no other reason than to relax. There was no sexual undertone at all, and I loved it. But I get it that things are different in the US. There tends to be more uptightness about nudity (remember Janet Jackson's nipple?) and sexual expression. I think this is part of why strip clubs still provoke very strong feelings here. Of course there are many other countries in the world that are much more conservative than the US, and that's OK too. It's all about respect. People who are more conservative in their attitudes are not wrong or crazy – everyone is entitled to their feelings. That's the most important thing.
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I think the context is important here.
The original poster said this was a bachelor party he (or the BF) was expected to attend. That’s very different from saying, “Honey I’m bored with you tonight, I’m going out to Scores to get my grind on with the girls at the club.”
I don’t know the legal context of each state, Canadian province, or country. Here in Illinois (well, the suburbs) you cannot actually “touch” anything–certainly not a “penis” or a “breast” or a “clitoris” or anything else. It’s pretty much a lap grind with clothes on and the dancer is topless. Maybe a boob will get shoved in your face, but the CUSTOMER better not move or the bouncer will show him out the door.
Look, I’ve got no problem with how couples negotiate their intimate relationships. I did not mean to offend, hurt anybody’s feelings, or disparage respect for women.
And yes, I did write about my personal experience for Studio Veena in a strip club. It was lost in Archive 1.0 and for reasons involving another individual who has moved on to other career opportunities, I decided not to go into detail about it. However, I was actually TERRIFIED the entire time. I mean literally, body quaking full-on panic, lol. It was not, exactly, an erotic experience. I got a lap dance. Let’s just say the experience was…ummm..interesting…maybe gynecological…but NOT erotic.
I’m on a mobile device, so I cannot scroll back and see the name of the commenter who took me to task so vigorously…but I’m a really old guy…married nearly 30 years and I’ve seen EVERY kind of stress destroy marriages…from fathers walking out of the operating room on their disabled children because, “I can’t take it anymore…” to just leaving from boredom. And I’ve known EVERY kind of woman whose ever been a stripper–from women who just see it as a job…to women who LOVE it and do it long past the financial “need”…to women who do it because they are desperate and need money. And the customers…yes, it’s different for every guy.
But…like I said, it was a bachelor party. I’ve been to a few. Usually…yes….I HATE them, lol. I’ve PLANNED them. I HATED the ones I PLANNED!!! I hated my own bachelor party. That is why I said “grin and bear it.” I was also making a larger point–which is that not EVERY battle in a relationship is worth fighting, winning, or even talking about.
So…I’ve got a different perspective in that way. And I do try to keep things light. It’s how I’ve survived being married 30 years without my wife killing me! (Knocks on wood)
Joel Lessing
Forest Park, Illinois
(Poledancefan) -
As quoted by phoebe from friends ‘strippers are so cliche, get a magician or something’. Each to their own, but I thought doing something that means more than seeing boobies at your bachelor party would be so much more memorable and fun?
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@Joel- Why do men do that then? It seems like they must like it for some reason. Theres no way its just to pick on each other.
@bformosa – Lmfao.
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I understand where you are coming from completely and feel the same way. My boyfriend was supposed to go a few weeks ago and I basically had a nervous breakdown envisioning all the things that could possibly happen. His friend was home for a weekend from the military and wanted to go out with his friend’s to celebrate. Now I have been to clubs with him and groups of friends and have seen what has gone on and am definitely not comfortable with it. I talked to him about it (post nervous breakdown!) And he told me I should have just said my concerns instead of getting worked up about it! He was only going to make his friend happy and see him obviously, but because I was uncomfortable he did not go. My lesson learned is to just talk it out! And yes Im sure all my boyfriends friends all think hes “whipped” and im the prude pole dancer lol. But he didn’t go and that’s all I care!! 🙂 Talk it out with him hun!
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Alicia very valid point. When I first started dating my fiancé, I would also get worked up about it. ( he personally doesn’t like seeing strippers) but I would always tell him how I felt about it because I knew it would always come up eventually.
The best thing to do is be calm and talk to him about your concerns. Tell him why you don’t want him to go and then the ball is in his court. It is up to him to respect your wishes. It would be so much easier if there were no outside influences.
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I do not know if it is even necessary for me to make this disclaimer but I just want to for my own sake:
I RESPECT and APPRECIATE all of you, regardless of your lifestyle, relationship, sexual, or marital preferences and/or values. I am a huge believer in the idea that "it takes all kinds to make a world!"
BE KIND to each other! Studio Veena has always been a safe haven for me to discuss and express myself in so many ways. I do not want my original post to inspire any kind of negativity here!
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I knew I remembered chuckling through your story Joel. 🙂
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