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Significant other unimpressed by pole activity?
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The boyfriend I was dating when I first started poling was so horrible and negative about it, I didn’t progress at all and almost quit and did for a couple of years. He would tell me my bruises were unattractive or laugh when I was attempting a knee tuck…and just was dismissive about it. I hated it and it made me feel horrible and if I could go back in time I would dump him right there.
While one does not have to be “into” it, I do feel they have to be supportive. Someone who is not supportive is not a someone you want in your life, what other dreams will they stomp out before they even begin?
My current boyfriends is wonderfully supportive. I don’t make him watch pole vidoes, but he doesn’t mind when I’m scrolling through instagram and watch a video on repeat. Sometimes he will lean over and just say, holy crap! lol. He doesn’t care I spend time at the studio, or that I spent money on pole clothes, mats, studio time, etc., or if I hop on the pole at home and practice inverting.
I try to support him too. He loves to play magic and is very good. He also loves comics and other table top games. I would never make fun of him or discourage him from hanging out with friends or wanting to compete in a big magic trounament (they exist and are quite huge!!) I have learned magic for him and in return he is getting involved with yoga and learning postures from me. I don’t think magic is my thing or that yoga is his really his thing, but now we can kind of talk about the things we both have interests in without being completely clueless. It’s nice to know what he is into to and he has told me, it’s nice to know what I do when he’s not around. He has even offerred to come to a pole class with me, but he’s afraid he might not be able to do anything (hence the yoga practice haha).
He didn’t me going to MPDA with some girlfriends either.
I just think it’s a big red flag when the SO isn’t supportive or down right negative. I would really have to ask myself if I want someone in my life who doesn’t want me to exercise. At the root of it, pole keeps me in shape and happy and healthy…who doesn’t want their partner to be those things? If he’s not into it cool, but dammit, he should be supportive.
For the record, I think he should find it attractive too. I love it when I catch my guy sneaking glances at me while I’m practicing a new move. I don’t feel attractive, I feel sweaty, smelly, and tired, and tacky, but he just thinks that it and I are beautiful. Real men are not afraid.
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It’s so comforting reading these responses bc I thought I was the only one who had a husband who was uninterested and not turned on by me learning the art of pole. All of his friends are like “how can you not think that’s so awesome!”. I really want him to be turned on and impressed and he is just the opposite. He jokes with me and asks me “what r u learning a back up career?”. I think he is jealous, especially since he always asks if guys r in the classes (which they r not). I also think men think that we do this for attention but in fact we do this for the love of dance and pole and the incredible empowerment and fun and meeting other women with similar interests. I look forward every week to see my “pole divas” and learning something new. I keep going to my weekly class bc it’s something for me, something I love. Regardless of whether or not he is impressed, I will not stop bc I love it, I’m hooked. At least we pole divas have each other to motivate us, compliment each other and as long as you impress yourself, I think that’s all that matters!
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Not every guy is going to like it and you know what I say to that? Fine. are you doing this for you or are you doing this for him? As long as you are doing it for you then he can sulk and be rudy-poo all he wants. You keep learning and training and having fun. Don’t let his view of what pole is take that away from you. Even if he doesn’t like it he should support you because it makes you happy. He can poo-poo it in private or in his journal. I’m with Tesar, what other dreams, goals, and hobbies will he stomp on just because he wants to not be impressed by it? I don’t want to say dump him because he may have positive qualities that we are unaware of, but if he continues to be rude and negative about something you truly like then you may want to revisit why is he your boyfriend if he can’t support you in some way? We aren’t asking him to fall back on his butt gobbed-smacked, screaming, “WOW THAT WAS AMAZING HOW DID YOU DO THAT? I’M SO IMPRESSED!!!” I know a win for me is if he can glance at me and not sneer or say a negative remark while I’m practicing. That’s a win for me.
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Exactly! He doesn’t have to be standing there jumping up and down with glee with every new move you learn, but he should keep the negativity to himself and be supportive. And one doesn’t have to be into it to be supportive. But he could say, great job, that takes strength, keep at it, etc.
While I love pole, and I do it for me, my ex was so negative and mean (and emotionally abusive) I believed that I wasn’t good enough to even try pole…. I guess that’s why I’m so worried when I hear someone is negative. He could have amazing qualities and be awesome, But he needs to work on being supportive and not negative. I feel like my ex didn’t like the brief effects it had on my self esteem and so he quashed it. Now, whether my new man works out or not, I will always only make time for someone who is supportive and enjoys my happiness.
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Eww time for a new boyfriend.
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I think the most important thing is to communicate with him and find out WHY he feels this way.
He may say something that really surprises you (he feels unimportant to you, he feels like you ditch him for pole, maybe he feels like you never supported his passion?) or he may not even know why he feels this way… but this might surprise him, and make him consider how he feels. Have you ever heard of the Wet Monkey Theory. Sometimes people (or monkeys) act a certain way, without even knowing why. (http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2009/08/wet-monkey-theory/)
But the point is… he may not be a bad guy, he may have very valid reasons for feeling this way…
Usually when someone (provided they are someone I respect and I feel like are a rational and nice person) has issue with something I do, usually there is a middle ground… Usually each person is right and wrong to a degree.
Yes, he should probably support you more… but maybe you should plan pole free days, where you don’t talk about pole, or check pole videos, and just do something you both enjoy and reconnect.
It’s very easy for us to sit in judgement of him not knowing his side of the story… but I think if you came on and were saying “All my BF does is Golf and I feel like he never pays any attention to me… I HATE GOLF!” We’d all be saying how he needs to make time for you. Ya know?
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sorry the link didnt work: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unreasonablefaith/2009/08/wet-monkey-theory/
The point of me sharing that link, is just to say sometimes people have just been conditioned to feel a certain way… Maybe he wasn’t getting sprayed like the monkeys.. but maybe he’s see friend’s/parent’s/etc. marriages dissolve over difference in hobbies, or the woman finding a new passion. Maybe he doesn’t know why, but its triggering a response!
ANyway, Im sorry I’m so foggy. Like i said, I’m full of boogers 😛
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It is really saddening to read the stories and how many of you dont get the support and admire this big part of your (our) lives. I thought to share you my story. When I started poling a year ago my long time husband really didnt get it. He opposed having a pole in the house, I ordered it secretly and when it arrived, had to assemble alone. He didnt want to hear or see anything pole related. But recently it has changed. It turned out that he has told to his colleagues, neighbors, friends about my hobby :-). SO he is been around and bragging. when we had heart to heart talk about this, then he said that at first he was intimidated and thought it is silly and just a new whim that would pass and he also felt uncomfortable, and was afraid of my health and also bruises didnt look particularly pretty on me. Now he has realised how much it has changed my body for the better and built confidence. Also how demanding the hobby is and how strong ive become and how crazy tricks I can do. He is really impressed and proud of me, but sort of failed to tell it to me. I dont know, mens thing… As for talking about it, he said that he didnt feel good talking about something he didnt know about and didnt have anything to say. Well… I said that the same applies for me listening to his running stories, competition times, lap times, VOmax etc. So now we made a deal that we both fake the interest 🙂 and at least try to understand each others passions. In conclusion, just talking helped us to understand a bit of the reasons
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My husband has a completely opposite view of pole. Not only is he supportive, he is very enthusiastic! He spots me, he knows who “dirdybirdy” is and loves her cat videos, he’s installed a pole in our living room and when searching for a new apartment “room for pole” is on the list of requirements. He used to be a gymnast, though, and loves physically challenging activities, so I think his appreciation for pole stems from how physically challenging it is, while still making it look pretty and effortless. He tries some moves with me and eagerly asks me what I learned in class this week. Aaaaah! He is like the perfect pole husband. He loves that I love it so much, and gets excited at how I excited I get when I learn something new or figure something out. He also encouraged me to get a SV subscription. 🙂
I don’t know what it is about him exactly that makes him this way, but I like to think that being a feminist husband has a lot to do with it. He doesn’t think of it as slutty and provocative, and he doesn’t think that sexuality/sensuality should be “for his eyes only.” He likes that I have my own things that I’m into, and loves that I found a workout that I enjoy. We do enjoy going to the gym together as well and though we don’t always do the same workouts I think he’s just really happy that we have about the same level of dedication to fitness pursuits, and we’re not both “letting ourselves go.”
I would like to say that I show the same amount of enthusiasm and support for him and his pursuits. I encourage him to go to poker nights, ask about his Crossfit workouts, and find him a gymnastics gym when we’re in a country that has one of those things. I guess this mutual support thing is baked into our relationship contract w/o really discussing it. Got lucky in that regard!
PS This is my first time posting on SV, whee! 🙂
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When I started, my boyfriend was pretty excited about it and loved it when I danced for him. This has definetly worn out since then.
He once in a while tried a move on the pole and sometimes we trained together.But now, as I own a studio and teach classes, he’s in my advanced class and also comes to my strong & flexi class and is doing pretty well. He even tries dance moves like pirouettes and spins; his latest achievement is a floor body wave which is kinda hilarious 😀
I’m really proud of him and would like do do a doubles routine with him some day 🙂I also now though, that he is sometimes upset when I, having two jobs, don’t find the time to do a lot of housekeeping, so it’s up to him. I’m trying to do as much as I can though. Also, him being a gamer, I try to play with him once in a while and listen to his telling me about Championships and such.
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