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Is it ok for your partner/husband/boyfriend to still cherish other women?
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It sounds like your partner believes that this is OK even though you stated that you are not comfortable with this situation.
As Veena said, communication is important, that includes listening to each other and letting each other have a say.
I’m so sorry that you are having to go through this as it can be soul destroying.
Unfortunately, you just telling him that he shouldn’t be doing something will most likely end in him resenting you.
You don’t have to try to be cool about him going to a strip club because jealousy is completely normal.
If you do try to discuss your concerns with him, write everything down before your discussion and think of ways you can put it across to him without sounding like you are attacking him (I know it’s easier said than done).
As for pole dancing, learn to do it for yourself 🙂
I hope this helps and good luck with everything.
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I loved your idea of writing down my thoughts to be discussed as you suggested bformosa922163 ..without attacking or being judgemental even…also Lindz1980 I think I need to be stronger in showing my standing up for the boundaries that I want .. I’ll keep encouraging him to seek professional help..the only problem is honestly trusting him, cause if he changes his access information etc which so far he doesnt know that I know, and I ask him and he says I stopped, I only have his words, until smth falls off between my hands by coincidence in anyway..I hope he’ll agree to professional help, maybe I should go too to understand his behavior and know how to help him…and maybe then I could be advised how to believe for example that he will stop..cause when there’s a will there’s a way…he can always find ways to do it and I may never know..only his words will be my answer and his behavior… thank you all again 🙂 …
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I would have to say, from being in in a bad relationship and then getting married to my soul mate. There is a big difference. Your man should cherish you and only you… And even more so, each women deserves someone who truly loves and cares. Which means being sensitive to how another person feels. No women has to, or should sit idle as a second hand relationship. My heart hurts for you deeply.. As my husband would never go to a club or ever watch porn…. Not because I told him but because that is his conviction and his level of love for me. You really don’t deserve that. That’s just my opinion 😊 I agree that you should seek extra help…. And talk about it to them. If your man is unwilling to listen..
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It seems to me the porn and strip clubs may be a red herring for the real issue – lack of trust and respect.
In my mind you could be arguing about any other thing under the sun – how to raise kids, how to deal with nasty in-laws, use of alcohol or drugs, gambling, difference in religion, or whatever. You’ve drawn a hard personal boundary and told him, “Hey, this is as much as I’m willing to tolerate, and no more.” Meanwhile he has willingly and maliciously gone over that boundary again and again, with zero consideration for you! Zero respect for you as a person, and your thoughts/feelings/esteem are just minor inconveniences that get in the way of him living his life the way he wants.
“Is it OK for (partner) to cherish (other people)?” seems like the wrong question to ask, because there is no absolute answer that works for everyone. For two people who both answer it’s ok, if those two people get into a relationship with each other, then it’s all good! But in your case it is clear that you would answer “no” while your partner would answer “yes” to this question. A fundamental mismatch. Add to that the lack of respect, and you can see why you’re feeling used.
+1 to all the others who said seek professional help. Just wanted to add that we can only control our own behaviours and actions, not others’. The sooner you can divorce yourself from thinking “If I only did X then he may decide to do Y!” the less heartache and frustration you will experience.
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There have been some excellent suggestions made here so I won’t repeat the same advice.
One important thing to remember with any relationship however, is that the more one person gives, the less the other person has to. The other person may or may not take advantage of that, but the option becomes available.
The giver is then considered “codependent” and continues to give more with the hope that eventually their partner will realize how much they love them, and how much effort they’re putting in….that the tiny, random nuggets of assurance they receive from their partner become the normal. It is a form of psychological manipulation, whether done consciously or not.
It is very rare that the other partner wakes up and realizes how they have been taking the codependent partner for granted, sadly. But the best advice I could give beyond going into therapy (I think it is a given at this point, if not for both of you, then at least for you to find the root cause of your codependency), is to pull back and not be so willing to put him on a pedestal. Who is this exalted man that he deserves your utmost complacency, anyway?
He is just flesh and blood, imperfect like the rest of us. He may be your husband, and love him as such, but he is not being a very good partner to you right now, so why should you have to hold up the whole relationship on your own shoulders while he behaves like a little brat? He can help his urges, believe me. He needs to sort his problems out independent from your relationship, and you cannot force him to do that. All you can do is insist he treat you with respect, or leave you be until he can.
You can’t control him, you can only control you.
Best of luck.
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Oh and sort but one more thing to add!
Don’t compete with these other women…strippers, porn actresses etc for his affection! You’re his wife for crying out loud! Don’t disrespect yourself by thinking you have to be like them to get his attention!
Now if you have a healthy relationship and want to share some intimate things, that’s something else altogether. But it has to come from a place of SECURITY….not insecurity or fear of losing this bozo, which is where it seems to be rooted. Don’t reward him for being a jerk to you! 🙁
Again, best of luck!
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I read through this and I still am trying to process it all and come up with a proper response. I am having a hard time because this is a behavior that I just do not understand and cannot wrap my head around. Most of the time I can see others points of view and can give advice based on that but there is so much going on here that I just cannot process. Just know that I feel for you and if you were not married I would tell you to run.
I hope you find the strength that you need to find the peace that you crave.
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The bad news, he is not going to change, the good news is that pole is a great workout, and you have the power to leave this relationship if your needs are not being met, like respect, honesty, loyalty, etc. Plus all this money spent at the clubs should be used for a couple’s vacation or a house or condo down. You have a tough choice to make, either way, it will be hard.Good luck to you.
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Well is it normal yes (as long as they keep it in their mind). Is it right? Not really especially if he is really obvious about it and if he is doing it out in public or mixed company. I would maybe seek some counseling and find out what the issue is. Just as a fly on the wall I would say give him up. He’s not going to change and there are too many men out there that will find you beautiful and will only desire you. You did what you had to and it still didn’t work, so “Bye Dude.” You need to find that strength that all of us know you have and walk on, don’t look back. Even if he begs and pleads with you that he’ll change and that he loves you. That’s just to keep you there. Mean while he’ll continue.
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