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Dealing with a nervous partner – help?
Hey Veeners!
My doubles partner has loads of anxiety. Performance anxiety is the one that I’m looking for advice with here. We have a performance this weekend (it’s her third performance ever). I grew up competing in music festivals and so I’m pretty accustomed to the fact that no performance will (or can) ever be perfect and that it’s all pretty insignificant in the long run as long as you enjoy yourself. I try to be supportive – I’ve had anxiety issues in the past and I know that it’s not an easy thing. But I’m finding that I’m running out of patience sometimes. If she feels like she makes any mistake during our performance, I know she’ll be really really upset. It happened last year during our first performance and it seemed like there was nothing I could say to make her feel better… kind of made it hard to enjoy the rest of the event because I was worried that she was so stressed and upset. In the days and weeks leading up to this performance, she is already getting super anxious about it and I just want to shake her and tell her that it DOESN’T MATTER and it’s all for fun! I know it might seem like I’m being kind of selfish here, and maybe I am, but I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how I can try to support her without losing my patience? I just want to see her relax, enjoy herself and grow from the process of preparing and performing. Nothing is ever perfect – that’s what makes life interesting! -
32 Replies
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I’ve not performed but one thing I’ve learnt is that mistakes are often not being noticed by so many others that the one who commits them. Even quite big slips are many times hard to know if they were meant to be or not. And since you’ll be two people on stage at the same time, it will be even easier to miss them for the audience. When you’re watching a performance you will not be looking for mistakes (unless you’re a judge), so you may not really find any either.
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I’ve tried telling her that. And even last year, tons of people told her they didn’t notice the part that she kept stressing about and saying she messed up. It didn’t seem to make any difference. She expects absolute perfection from herself, which is impossible, so it’s hard to convince her otherwise.
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That’s a hard situation since expecting perfection can only result in feelings of loss :(.
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You are not going to be able to talk her out of her anxiety or convince her it is just fun. Her anxiety over performing and not being perfect runs deeper than simple performance anxiety and is an issue she has to get help with. Let her take responsibility for it. It is easy to take on others issues and try to fix it for them. Doing so does not fix the problem; it only increases your own frustration. You will not be able to “fix it” for her. I don’t know what she has and hasn’t done to address the anxiety, but ultimately she has to seek out the resources needed to deal with this. At some point you may have to take a step back and decide if you want to continue with the partnership if nothing changes.
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Best thing that anyone has ever been done when I’m having an anxiety attack: Sit with me. They didn’t try to fix it, they didn’t try to talk me down, they didn’t even try to stop me crying. Whatever I say during those times is more for me than them- it’s so loud in my head that it’s coming out, whether I want it to or not. I’m not “consolable” in those times- I don’t know that anyone with an anxiety problem is really “consolable.”
As Cuwoody said, the problem runs deeper than that. You can’t cover it up with nice words and attempts to convince her that it’ll be okay or that it’s about having fun, so don’t try! Just… don’t!
My advice would be to practice a lot, make sure you’ve both got it down. If she asks you anything directly (“What if THIS happens?!”) then try to answer with the simplest thing you can think of. What if you fall? You’ll get up again. What if you get injured? Then we’ll talk to a doctor or a paramedic. What if people see you slip up? Then you keep dancing.
The trick is that you need to show her the trust that she lacks in herself. Instead of trying to convince her that she should trust herself (which she knows, I guarantee that), or trying to talk her out of being anxious, just… let her be herself! Let her exist the way she needs to right now. Be with her, let her go through it. I know it can be really painful to watch someone go through something like that… but you aren’t just watching. You’re going with her, you’re her solid place for a while when she needs it. But, you don’t need to exert yourself, and you don’t need to keep trying to fix it!
Eventually, she’ll figure out that, no matter what, you’ll be there and everything will be fine, or she’ll decide that she can’t handle it right now, and she’ll let you know.Good luck!
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Xanax.
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Runemist – So here’s the thing: she’s not having an actual anxiety attack. Yes, she’s overly anxious, and yes, she should see someone about it. But not an actual panic attack. I can say this with confidence because I am a doctor and my undergrad degree was in psychology. It would be totally different if she was having a panic attack – I could sit with her through that. It’s more how she behaves when she’s getting anxious and how it affects our partnership. Example: we’ll do a run-through and we’ll make a mistake, I can see her start to get all worried about it and then she shuts down and gets all short and irritable with me. Not productive. She can’t take constructive criticism because she then just feels as though her flaws are being pointed out and focusses on that instead of learning from it. We run through the routine whenever we can – but we both have busy schedules so it’s tough to coordinate both of us being free and finding available studio time.
mspretty – I’ve considered trying to get her to take some Ativan (same class of drug as Xanax) but beyond the fact that I would never try to force medication on someone, she also has never ever taken anything like that and doesn’t even drink. So I have no idea how hard it would hit her and around a performance is not the time to find out.
I understand that the issue runs deeper. I guess I’m just trying to see if anyone has ever had this problem in a partnership before or if anyone has any ideas for short term solutions until we get through this performance – and the rest of the evening after our performance. I don’t want the night to be ruined because I’m trying to console her while she’s beating herself up for a split second hesitation that nobody noticed. Or maybe someone just needs to tell me I’m being a selfish asshole. That could be possible. And if you think that’s it – PLEASE just tell me haha
Thank you everyone for your input so far. Just venting and hearing people’s different takes on this situation is helpful. At the very least, it’s giving me an outlet for my frustration 🙂
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I don’t think there is anything you can tell her that will help. Ya know, if you mess up, there aint shit you can do about it. You will either forgive yourself or you wont. and if you don’t, then you will be upset for a while. A day, a week, however long…. then you forget it. so, in the end you get over it. the only difference is getting over it in a day or a week or longer. this really is a deep rooted way of thinking that is hard wired in her brain. not sure there is anything you can say or do that will change it. I really think life experience is the only thing that will make this better for her. the only thing you can do is choose a different partner next time I guess. Besides pole, I have performed in film and theatres. Repetition was the only thing that helped the anxiety. And yes, I screwed up many times. Maybe if you two can perform your routine for a group of friends, this will help her get over her anxiety of messing up. I would perform for as many people as you can before the actual show. perform several times. get some people outside of the pole world to watch if you can. this will cause her a little more anxiety but it wont matter if she messes up because you guys can just repeat it.
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Damn… totally should have posted about this a couple weeks ago instead of 2 days before the show haha
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Also Lola, I will say this with experience. I was the person having the issues in a partnership with a fellow actor. haha! I was really hard on myself and I shut down when I am criticized. performing for strangers before our show DID help me. If you perform for people as many times as you can , you (she) will become de-sensitized to the anxiety. I still have a sort of melt down before opening night of any show I do. Acting or pole. I’ve learned to recognize it. Now it only lasts a day and I’ve learned to tell everyone that this is a normal process for me. that I will be over it by the next rehearsal.
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Darn!! sorry it’s so close to showtime 🙁
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I can totally understand your frustration, and especially since anxiety attacks are much less noticeable than a panic attack, I can understand the confusion.
It sounds to me like an anxiety disorder- I have reacted like this often enough, I can relate to her.
But, that’s the thing. You’re looking at anxiety, not panic. Panic attacks are really easy to see, they’re easy to diagnose. Anxiety is not- anxiety causes people to close up, try to hide, and it becomes much, much less simple to diagnose or even notice that there’s a problem beyond being bitchy or unhappy.
If she can’t take criticism, then go for praise. Instead of “You should try putting your foot here,” go for “This move we really have down! Good job!”
A huge part of an anxiety/depression spiral is around negativity, and focusing on it. Anxiety causes a person to worry, to look only at the negative, and to project that negative into the future- to expect it. People with anxiety (myself included) BELIEVE that bad things will always come from the future… no matter what has ACTUALLY come down the line at us. The issue isn’t the facts of life, it’s what we choose to omit or focus on.
Depression is looking back, and seeing only that negativity.
Like I said, you need to just allow her to be herself. If she gets anxious, she’s going to get sullen, upset, short. She’s suddenly retreated into her head, and started on the spiral: “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t do this. You’ve seen it over and over again- you can’t get this. You’ll fail. You’ll fail, and your partner will be upset with you. They will laugh at you. You’ll never get it.” As soon as it’s any kind of criticism, even if you’re as gentle as possible, that voice gets louder. It’s a roar in her head that cripples her confidence, her belief that she CAN, her sense of identity. Everything is lost in the end.Having the studies of psychology is NO substitute for actual experience. I appreciate and respect the outsider’s view- I see a counsellor, and I very much appreciate his help in my journey to be rid of my anxiety, but I also know that I am the one leading. He hasn’t been through the things I have, he doesn’t know what it’s like. I must lead the journey.
Telling her “This is just for fun!” may make her think she’ll ruin all your fun. Telling her “Don’t worry so much!” no matter what it’s followed by, will make her worry about how much she worries. Asking her if she needs drugs may make her think she’s crazy, needs to be medicated, perhaps she shouldn’t live with “normal people”. It all depends on her- what her triggers are, how severe she’s feeling it that day (or in general), and the sorts of things she’s afraid of.
So, as I said: Be with her, let her be herself. We may see anxiety as a bad thing to be battled, but she isn’t there yet. One MUST accept and learn to live with these sorts of things before they can be battled effectively. Acceptance for other people can be a huge leap in that goal.
Being positive is always an option- focus on what’s good, what’s going well, what you’re happy with or proud of. She will follow with confidence, she’ll come out of her shell if she can, and she will hopefully be able to hear the good things, and not worry so much. It’s all about focus. -
I will also point out that there is likely a reason for her to have an anxiety disorder- her “shell” is created for a reason, and there is nothing wrong with it. The only thing wrong is that it hinders HER, as well as blocks what she really doesn’t want to let in.
And, that she clearly WANTS to dance with you. She struggles, she fights with it, and she still wants to do it. You can acknowledge that, too. Pointing out that we WANT to do something is also really difficult for some people. I always tell myself that I “have” to dance, I “have” to run, and it feels like a chore, it’s not fun. I need to change my language to “want,” and it’s always helpful when my boyfriend points it out to me 😉 -
I’ve also battled anxiety in the past, and depression – it’s just never involved any performing I’ve done. My anxiety was more related to PTSD and OCD. So, different experience I suppose. Your perspective is good to hear. I feel like I’ve tried so hard to give positive reinforcement. But there inevitably comes a point where things need to be fixed that are wrong. That’s where the trouble is. Maybe it would be easier if she reacted differently when the tables were turned: if there’s a trick that I’m struggling with, she just gets annoyed with me and says that I just have to work on it more (even when I try to explain that it’s realistically something that is many months away instead of something that I could get ready for a performance).
Maybe I just don’t have the patience to wait for her to get over this. It takes a lot of the fun out of preparing for a performance when I worry about how I can delicately fix something that isn’t working without worsening her anxiety, or when I just worry about her stressing about and how I’ll have to respond to it. I will try just letting her be – not saying not to worry and not saying it’s supposed to be fun. Hopefully that helps.
What do you think is a good response when I get texts like “I’m nervous”?That’s a really good point about need vs want. I’ve never thought of it that way! I’ll have to keep that in mind.
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Yeah, mine is originally because of PTSD, but it’s been so long (I was six) since then that it’s turned into something fundamentally different. So… I sort of have both sides of the issue Oo;
I really can understand your frustration though. I do my very best to put the most positive spin on things like this, but I do acknowledge that sometimes things NEED to be addressed! It’s a very difficult situation to be in, and… honestly, I think it sounds like you’re doing well on those instances.
As for her criticizing you… there are a couple of reasons you could look at. The first, is that she may be a bit of a perfectionist; some expect as much perfection from other people as they expect from themselves (even though they continue to fall short of their own expectations). It could also be (unfortunately) a “bully” tactic. If she’s really low on self-esteem and has had bullying in the past, that may be the only way she knows how to express criticism. It’s a tricky thing, because a lot of people don’t encounter criticism unless it’s VERY BAD.Texts saying “I’m nervous”? I’d say something like… eh, distract and redirect. If there are other people in the show that you think she’s interested in seeing, mention it “Are you excited to see so-and-so?” Or talk about some kind of fun thing happening around, or especially after the show! She can focus on that, and the anxiety may go down a bit.
This close to the show, it’s unfortunate… I’ve done shows where I wanted to just freak out (mostly burlesque, but I’ve also done presentations and things with the same response), run away. I shake, I can’t keep my thoughts straight… it sucks. I’ve been really deeply mired in my anxiety for the past four or five months, in order to deal with and effectively combat it. I have a presentation tomorrow that I am much, much less nervous about than I have been in the past. But… sometimes I have bad days, too 😉 I’m learning, and I hope she does, too.
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I put a long message but i could get it to not sound a bit harsh and i dont want that so i will sum it up in one line…..
If the worry outshines the fun and love with ANYTHING in life its time to have a think!
I would never compete or perform the thought of it brings me out in a cold sweat and pole is my fun – not a worry that will creep into every aspect of my life
xx
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This is probably something she has dealt with her whole life. Maybe some past issues. I’m a total nervous Nelly about things, meaning i dwell on things I don’t need to. It is something that has been with me as long as i can remember. Maybe her lifestyle growing up she was ridiculed by the people around her or maybe should could never be “good enough” etc.. People also are addicted to their own emotions in a sense. Something needs to break this cycle of self criticism and it wont happen until she realizes it and wants to stop just like any other addiction. I would bet she is like this in other aspects of her life.
I agree, if she wants to continue to perform then she needs to perform more. A LOT more. Try some local bars or clubs that do burlesque or variety shows if you are around any. I know I would be nervous as hell and would dwell on it if I messed up but I also would not let it ruin my night.
The thing that helps me when I am self criticising myself and dwelling on things, is to keep telling myself that everyone sees things differently, no ones brain and perception is the same. That what I am thinking now, is not what other people are thinking. I have my own memories and they have theirs.
When you don’t think about the past, whether it is a minute ago or 10 years ago, it doesn’t exist (metaphorically speaking) at least the way you would remember it because someone else remembers it different. Sounds cheesy but I truly believe in the power of the mind and suggestion. The hard part is getting your self to believe it.Sounds to me though that she might not be the best candidate to put on public performances, at least not yet or until she gets professional help. If you’ve tried talking to her and reassuring her etc.. and it does no good and she gets frustrated and grumpy and dwells on mistakes, then it might not be a bad idea to try to get her to see a psychologist. Performing or speaking in public is huge anxiety for a lot of people. She just responds in her own may. I personally think it sounds like it is deeper and more of a borderline personality disorder.
I have no credentials except plenty of experience with mental health issues and personal experience with a few friends,family, and myself. I have had a crazy crazy life and been through some shit! In fact, people that no me and my past have always said you turned out really good, most people would be a sociopath, dead, or in prison. We all have our life story, but dwelling on things, especially the past and the things you can not change,like mistakes that have already happened, only exacerbates the condition. Which is why she probably should not perform if it is doing this to her. I wouldn’t want to always feel like that so i wouldn’t put myself in that situation.
Have you introduced her to here? lol, I know it has helped my confidence a lot!! Just thought I would share my 2 cents. Hope everything works out and good luck with the performance!
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Meg, while I appreciate your sentiment, it’s like saying “Well, I’ve had my leg blown off in a horrible accident… I guess I’ll forget skiing then!”
I live with an anxiety disorder, day in, and day out. It is with me constantly. It is with me when I go to sleep and when I wake up. There is no respite, no running away, and nothing anyone or anything can do to help me appropriately- it lives inside me, and they do not.
Pole dancing is something that brings me a lot of joy, and yet it sometimes takes me ages to get on the pole. I just went through a four-month stint of no pole. Not really of my own choice… it was because of my anxiety. It found a way to take the thing I love away from me, and I had to wrestle with it.
To say “I would never do anything that would bring me into a cold sweat” would be to say I will never do anything. Ever.
This is definitely not a way to live, and it would do nothing but encourage my anxiety. It would destroy me from the inside out. Some days, yeah, I can’t fathom doing anything but getting clothes on so my roommate doesn’t see me naked, and just… sit. On the couch. I don’t do anything for hours sometimes. But… I don’t just decide that such an existence is “better” because I’m not technically afraid of anything!
I specifically chose the skiing example because I knew a girl who did ski with one leg. It’s not her fault she had one leg, and sure, she had difficulties with some things. But, she loved to ski, and so she found a way to do it. With ONE leg. Her prosthetic would have gotten in her way.
I see anxiety as a temporary loss of something less-tangible but equally as “debilitating.” I have the option of healing, but only after I can become strong enough- by learning to deal with it, by building the confidence OUTSIDE of it, and putting myself slowly back together. If I just gave in, I wouldn’t be here. I would be hiding in the dark, on my bed, in my mum’s house, alone. I would never have moved out, never have talked to people, and never have done anything I loved to do.
“Having a think” is not going to solve anxiety. -
And as for this idea of “desensitizing” by performing a lot more… I don’t necessarily agree. This is what we do for phobias, and the person who has the phobia must have absolute control to be able to say “stop, no further” or even “stop, until I say go again.” Performance is not something you can back out of after a certain time and still feel good. Performance is not something you can say “No, I’m not okay” once they announce you to come on stage.
For SOME people, continuing to perform and face that fear is helpful, but this doesn’t sound like a case of simple “stage fright.” Her reactions toward any kind of failure, as well as a few other things, lead me to think that this is a much larger issue… one that will only become worse with consistent exposure to performance. -
That’s pretty much what I said. It seems like a deeper issue and she shouldn’t perform.
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I don’t know if you were directing the last bit at me but I said if she wants to continue to perform, then she does need to get desensitized.
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It wasn’t necessarily 😉 She DOES need to be desensitized, but it’s pretty much the same problem with all people- I haven’t met anyone who isn’t afraid of performing if they haven’t done a lot of it already.
For me, I can perform, and I’m getting a lot more comfortable with it- this is both due to practice, and due to my work on my anxiety in a more permanent manner.
But yeah- if performance is triggering her really badly and she’s suffering, she needs to find coping mechanisms and ways around it if she truly loves to perform. If not, she can drop it and re-evaluate later.
I suppose I’m looking at it more from the perspective of where I was back in December: The idea of being awake was triggering enough. I was in a bad place with my anxiety and I just couldn’t handle anything without having issues… but I couldn’t just give up, because I would have destroyed myself, gone into a horrible spiral and taken far longer to get out than I have.
But, I suppose I agree, tentatively, with the idea of putting your mental health first… but I don’t agree that we should just not do things that scare us. -
Sorry I just guessed from the way its worded that she does not have general nerves and was only to do with this performance. My view would be 100% different it if was an all round life issue (2 very different things) Sorry i should have stated that. Didnt want to offend anyone.
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Yup! We shouldn’t back down to things that scare us if its just normal nerves but yeah it sounds more severe with the info we have. I am scared of heights. I get all sweaty and vertigo etc.. I will and have jumped off bridges, I have done flying trapeze, I have jumped off the stratosphere in Vegas, and I am going skydiving. I totally think it is a good thing to conquer fears but not if it disrupts your life in a bad way.
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My idea of being “desensitized” to performing has nothing to do with mental illness. I am referring to performance anxiety. the kind of performance anxiety that I have personally dealt with in performing plays, acting on film, dance, and singing. I thought the original post said she has performance anxiety. I am in no way suggesting any treatments for this girl’s mental illness, if she even has one. Everyone has different levels of anxiety and it is possible to have a little bit higher anxiety level without being mentally ill and needing counseling and drugs. If would be weird to have no sort of anxiety- that’s not natural for any human. And having anxiety doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t enjoy what you are doing. I’m sorry if my idea of getting someone ready for a performance was mistaken as a remedy for an anxiety disorder. Anxiety and anxiety disorder are not the same. I wasn’t aware that we were talking about a certified disorder, that is very different. I also think it is very selfish of someone to let their mental illness ruin someone else’s good time and require others to walk on eggshells around them. You should not have to walk on eggshells around someone when you are being reasonable and not being abusive. It is also very manipulative to constantly demand reassurance from others. that person will get the
reassurance they want but it doesn’t last very long. So, if you don’t have a mental disorder but you are nervous about performing. Performing repeatedly in front of supportive audiences (friends and family) can help. If you have a mental disorder, I have no suggestions on how to take care of that.
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