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Can’t help comparing and feeling bad :(
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This reminds me of a lot of the old threads when I was over at S Factor. One thing I loved about them was that there were no mirrors and no comparisons. It was about the dance and just getting comfortable in YOUR body. This is probably the #1 thing that any pole dancer has to conquer. There is usually a LOT of baggage that comes with us not liking what they see in the mirror and be that as it may, pole really makes us have to deal with wearing booty shorts and sports bras. While we are coming to grips with this we are also dealing with letting go of that baggage and many times that brings not ony frustration but also tears. But we come out the other end a more confident woman and one who can say "who cares about the pooch or the scars or the stretch marks or the you name it".
I challenge you to stop trying for the tricks and concentrate on dance and floor work. There are so many performers that can nail trick after but look so completely awkward in between those tricks. I also know a girl who does not throw any "tricks" and watching her move is inspiring.
I will leave this with my favorite poem (with bolded sections for this particular thread). It really is one to live by. Desiderata:
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. -
Chem: That is such a beautiful poem! : ) Thankyou for posting it. It made me smile which I have not done here lately…
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I'm a slow learner with a lot of moves and it's so great to hear everyone come out of the woodwork! I'm not a failure for not getting the handspring yet(it's been a few months)! I'm not a failure for taking months to invert! Mostly I'm not a failure because I keep trying even when it feels impossible. Well, at least that's what I tell myself every time I get down about new moves.
I had the exact same problem that so many girls had. I started taking classes with a good friend of mine who happened to have been on the Quebec provincial gymnastics game. Meaning she's incredibly strong, flexible, and has an incredible lack of fear when throwing her body up in the air. When I started I had legs that could crack walnuts, but the upper body stength of a malnourished child who regularily was locked in a basement. She was doing insane advanced move(got the shoulder mount on her first try!), and I was desperately trying to invert.
When this happens in school, dance, whatever, I try to remember that they feel the same way about me. Like how a spider's more afraid of you than you are? For example, my friend who can rock the pole can't remember choreography to save her life. Never could. She told me it was something she wished she could do like me, and it was a huge ego boost! Every girl I know has that self-critical streak and if you talk to your friends, I guarantee they are crazy jealous about something you do weather it's mad make up skills, a killer body, a way with the boys, crazy cooking skills, there's always something!
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I think the key to help pull you out of your funk is to find that one thing about poling you are great at. for me i know i have no strength at all but i know my dancing and floor work is awesome. As veena and so many others have said "when did we take the dancing out of pole dancing" let go and let your alter ego shine through.
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It's really easy to give the advice, "Don't compare yourself to others" But it can be hard not to do it. I really found the posts about the value of learning things slowly reassuring and truthful.
Unfortunately, I am not in a position to pole yet, although the interest is there. But, like others, I can really relate.
My other passion is climbing. It did not come naturally to me. Moves that some people learned intuitively, I had to learn consciously, and practice over and over to get the muscle memory. Enjoy the practice. Because I learned how to break down moves, and then wire them in my body, even if I get to a fearful place where I could freeze, I have the ability to break down the steps and move on. Someone who relies on intuitive movement could get in a fearful place, tense up, and then not have access to their bodies intuitive sense of movement, andIf they haven't learned how to break down a movement they are at a disadvantage.
I also experenced frustration with my rate of progress, the feeling that I "should" be beyond where I was, and envy when someone coul get to a level within a short time that I could still struggle on even though I had been putting effort in for years.
Some things that helped me let go? First I got injured, then I got pregnant. I couldn't climb to get to the next level anymore. I could just climb for the enjoyment of it, and for growing in the level where I was.
Negative thoughts can really drag down your enjoyment and your performancce. It is worth looking into techniques where you learn to mentally train, as well as physically train. Of course, in climbing there are books on how to do that. Not so much with poling, I imagine. There are sport pysychology books out there, which could be inspiring. But even just being aware of the weight of negative thoughts, and consciously trying to turn them around can be helpful. Persistence and positive visualization can take people really far.
Ramona
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First of all, I think inverting after 3 weeks of practice is amazing!!! It took me months of invert preps to get a not very pretty basic invert. Another couple of months to get a descent chopper. And I just had to re-learn a good invert after being off the pole for not even that long.
Even though yoga is (almost) a full body work out – you get a lot of pushing away from the floor (chataranga, arm balances, handstand…), and it made me stronger and more flexible on many levels – there is really nothing about pulling yourself up or even "just" hang off of your arms with your whole weight, so that is completely new to your body… It does help me a lot with anything flexible (splits, backbends) and elbow/forearm/handstand type stuff though.
I also second everything said, but wanna chip in my story.
I am very much a brain person (that's why I'm good at science) and nothing physical ever came easy to me, but from belly dancing and yoga I know that I can "get it" and do things I never thought I could, putting in some effort and dedication.
Not to compare myself to others is harder than it sounds though. I can totally relate, actually have been there very recently. Even though in everyday life I usually stand above such things.
I started poling with my best friend, and it was not surprising she picked it up faster than I did. She's a tiny 5'2" and has been a competitive swimmer and this has incredible upper body strength. Somehow it hadn't bothered me that much back then, but the thought that I might need to put in an extra bit of practice to keep up was one reason to get my own pole (apart from me being hooked even though I felt like a sack of potatoes most of the time 😉 ), and it was the best decision I ever made.
Anyhow, recently I was off the pole for a while (traveling and working long hours), so I lost a lot of strength and several moves I was able to do before. Coming back to class was frustrating. My class mates were my friend, the swimmer – a former gymnast who poles for much shorter than me but picks up moves just like that – a crazy strong bikini model – a girl who only poles for a few months and just discovered TG handspring lift (!) as her favorite move – my very dedicated and fearless friend who progressed to be instructor and can do more tricks than the other instructors at my studio. And then there was I, slow learner by definition, big girl in all 3 dimensions, lost a good portion of strength while I was away, and was struggling at doing a basic invert with good form while everybody else nailed some crazy new advanced tricks like shoulder mount to superman on their first attempt. As much as I love my pole friends, I was so jealous and felt ready to cry. For sure my brain knowing I used to be able to do some of these moves and my muscles just failing on me didn't make it any better. I decided I needed to get on my own pole, to condition myself and come back how it made sense to my body and retreat to a lower level class for a while. And I'm getting back slowly but surely, and realizing my own improvement makes me feel so much better 🙂
Also when I feel frustrated, I put on my favorite song and just dance, plain for fun, just me and the pole, move, flow, let it out, play with some floorwork, throw in some belly dance and yoga moves and don't worry about any tricks. That helped me getting over feeling like shit, comparing to my class mates. I'm back to where I see my own progress, relative to myself only, even if it takes me months or years to get there. Of course, there's still moments of jealousy in class and probably always will be. but being aware of this gives you the chance to conciously act on it and decide how to face it. I must say, my class mates at the same time are really encouraging which makes it easier to get over those jealous moments. And watching my very first pole video gave me the last fix, I think 😉
And yes, I have a few moves down solid that none of them has mastered yet. So we are learning off of each other in class sharing our signature moves 🙂
I definitely recommend getting your own pole if you decide you like it, no matter how slow or fast you're learning. It gives you the opportunity to work at your own pace, figure out where you experiencing difficulties, but also to discover your own strengths and develop your own dance style.
I'd also suggest trying a different teacher and/or different class style – be it at your studio or even trying out a different place or get Veena's lessons here (highly recommend, she's great at breaking moves down). Everyone has a unique style of teaching, and someone else's explanations might make way more sense to your body. Another studio might teach at a different pace or emphasize a different side/style of pole dance. Not everything works for everybody. Maybe you prefer choreography over tricks? A strenght training class on the pole, or add floor & chair dancing? Perfecting your dancing and transitionsis fun and are essential to make a dance into one beautiful performance. Do what you like best and it will build strength, you will be surprised when you decide to give the other class styles another shot a while later 🙂
Sorry it got so long…
xoxo
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OKAY – everyone has said it ALL – you are now apart of a great community of ladies that are complete pole freaks – and I love it!!! once you stop beating yourself down – you will love the things you CAN do – NO MATTER what anyone else can do.
This is your journey to learn who you are as a woman – that is something no-one can teach you except your pole (I cant explain that but it will happen).
SOO – have fun – enjoy doing pole with your friend she sounds like a babe – your teachers need a smack (cause I would neva abandon any student struggling – Oh I teach btw been poling for about 2 yrs now).
Who said pole was easy anyway! If you were told that – they LIED!
You will grow stronger and develop as your body learns to cope with the new stuff you are teaching it.
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The poem Chemm posted is beautiful!! Really inspiring!
As my teacher says: "it's all for the small victories we have. Day by day, week by week, you feel, and I see, that you have accomplished something more, even if it's just a hang from the pole a litlle bit more time". And she's right. It's all about the small victories! 🙂
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Beautiful poem Chemgoddess! https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_flower.gif Thankyou.
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Desiderata =)
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Hi Hotpinksugar,
Your post really brought tears to my eyes. All I can say is, though I know it is almost impossible to not compare yourself to others, remember that we are all different and have different strengths and weaknesses (yes, I know this is cliche and that you have probably heard it before). Your friend should not be the measure of what type of poler you are. Yes, you say she is a natural and really good and that is fine, but you are strong too just for the simple fact that you stick with it and put in that extra effort to keep up. That is what is going to refine you as a poler. There are times when you do something physically challenging that your body is not used to, sometimes your body will fight you for awhile, it will seem really hard and frustrating sometimes, but if you stick with it like you have been, your body will start to adapt and your strength will build up. It may take longer than your friend, but learn at your own pace. Because you are obviously a hard worker, when those moves or tricks do start to come with ease you will realize that you are truely a winner (and have been all along) because you, despite challenges/frustrations did not give up and put in that extra effort and discipline.
The thing with your instructors, I am really sad to hear that. Hopefully, the way they respond to you vs your friend isn't intentional, and they are just excited at a "fast learner" but at the same time, it's important uplift everyone at whatever level they happen to be. Sometimes hearing a few encouraging words gives you that extra boost to believe you can learn a dance combo or trick. Sometimes it is a mind over matter thing and when someone is there cheering you on and sticking with you to really help you through those difficult moves that's when positive results occur.
I feel you dear, while I have a lot of natural strength when it comes to poling, I totally SUCK at anything that involves flexibility, esp. in my back, shoulders, and hips. I have gotten down in the dumps and wanted to quit too when I see all these amazing dancers who can do full on side and center splits and have beautiful bendy backs that allow them to beautifully achieve a pole trick/pose. At one point I was like "Why should I even bother to keep trying to qualify for these competions? I am nowhere near in those girls league". That's when I talk to supportive friends and family members and also give myself a pep talk remind myself that I have things to offer to the pole community. Girl, I know there is something wonderful that you have to offer, sometimes you may not see or feel it because you are being too hard on yourself or too focused on others progress. Think about the things you can do. What are you good at? Even if it is just pirouettes, catch spins, fireman spins. You be able to do it with so much flare and passion that no one is going to care if you can't get into a certain trick. My longwinded point is…remember there are things that you are fabulous at. Don't forget to put those things on display and also work on those things that challenge you in the meantime. Also, grab an instructor and ask her to break down the move further or spot you while you work on something. That's what she is there for. Please don't give up sweety, I, for one believe you have something wonderful to show to the pole community and that you have a passion, otherwise, you wouldn't work so hard, share your feelings and open up the way you did. I'm not on SV much, and I know you don't know me or anything but if you ever need help with anything or want to just talk or something, please hit me up.
Peace,
Maria
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Sorry, one more thing…thank you, thank you , THANK YOU Chemgoddess for that lovely, inspirational poem. I really needed to see that and thank you for sharing something so beautiful.
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