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Any tips for coping with a confidence crash
I’m not sure if it’s my time to quit the sport I love or I’m not fighting had enough to stay. I just know that I’m not feeling good about myself tonight. I’ve had a bad session (look, I know we all have them) but it’s been building a few weeks and tonite I just quietly snapped. I sat on the floor and watched. Yes watched. On the brink of tears. For an hour. I’m crap at the gymnastic end of pole, I mean I’m SHIT. I can’t shoulder mount flip, flag invert or do any form of handstand, headstand, elbow stand. I’m struggling to handspring, to get my legs up and put my head down because I’m scared. I can’t cartwheel up to brass monkey. And tonite it was all gymnastics, gymnastics, gymnastics. New trick, a twisted grip floor flip. Pole has brought me so much pleasure but tonite I hate it. Tonite has made me feel so bad about myself. Just for reference, the others got on with it. I just froze.
Not expecting replies but if you do, thank you. -
21 Replies
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Hey there!
It can be really frustrating to come up against your own challenges, head on and face-to-face, and feel like you aren’t up to the challenge. It can feel like a defeat, and further from that, many people start to tell themselves that they are failures, that they aren’t good enough. That they might as well give up. I hear a lot of this in your post.
So, my suggestion would be to take a step back and get some distance in your head about the issue. You are obviously feeling emotionally charged (not necessarily a bad thing) and passionate, but I also think you are defeating yourself before you even get there! Let yourself look at it from a different angle.
First off, you start out telling US that you’re not very good at the gymnastic end of pole; how many times have you said that to yourself? How many times have you judged yourself against others, and decided you came up short? How many times have you looked at one of those moves and decided you just aren’t good enough to even ATTEMPT it, even in it’s most basic form?
Next, well, I think you need a little perspective from those of us down here at the beginner level. I can’t really do an advanced plank without shaking. I can’t do a CAR, or a basic invert. Anything past that is well beyond me. And, while I would LOVE to be able to practice, practice, practice until my arms fell off… I’m dealing with a chronically injured shoulder and am BANNED from any kind of heavy lifting, including trying to pole dance. I’m not going to get any better at all, for a long time. And I’ve been this way, for a long time. So, if you can shoulder mount at all, then you are amazing to me. You are superwoman to me. You have achieved the impossible.
Finally, I think you are judging yourself against others, but only in a bad way. My suggestion is not to judge or compare at all: You are all on a different journey, and you have absolutely no idea how hard those other ladies might be working to do what they can on the pole, or what kinds of things they say to themselves. You have no idea what they think when they see you doing what you do best, and judging themselves against you! Which means that our journeys are unique and individual, incomparable. Judgement only means that we put ourselves down.
What you’re not saying is what you are good at. You probably don’t say it to yourself, because rarely do people do that at all. We’re told it’s bad, to be proud of yourself, because others might think it’s vain. But, who else is going to celebrate you, if you don’t? Wave your flag, girl. Even if that flag is completely grounded, wave the hell out of it. If that flag is the most graceful Gemini you ever did see, wave it till everyone knows about it. And look for other things you do well. Is it your beautiful feet? Your bendy back? Your transitions, or maybe a special move you love? Are you particularly good at spins?
Do you know?Get out there and celebrate what you are GOOD at. And, when you come across something you’re not good at, but want to be, work on it, slowly and in your own way. Learn about it. Find out what’s blocking you, be it fear, an injury, or something else. It’s a chance to go deeper, to trust more, to love yourself. It’s a chance to learn about you, and why you come to this challenge so often.
So keep going!
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One question…is it the gymnastics end of pole that made you fall in love w/ it in the first place? If so, one more question, why pole? I mean, if being a gymnast is necessary to achieve any satisfaction in pole then that is where you should start.
Not that anyone really cares about my opinion (unless they take offense to it, that is), but I don’t really like the gymnast style of pole. That’s okay, I appreciate it despite that. Most do not like my style of pole, and that’s also okay. I think there’s room for all styles of pole.
Other than that, if it’s got you down that you can’t satisfy yourself w/ your own style or abilities…well…no one else can make you feel better except you. You could have a thousand fans (Hell, I guarantee you already have more than I ever will), you could have a wall full of trophies, you could be told you’re awesome every single day. None of it makes a difference if you are dissatisfied w/ yourself. If you don’t love it, if it causes you nothing but pain, if the outcome can’t be done the way you require it to be then it isn’t worth doing.
Or…you could just be having a bad day and need to stop comparing. Remind yourself of how far you’ve come and why you started in the first place. Still, if there’s no love for it then you need to stop because it’s making you hate yourself. I don’t think you should quit, but maybe a refresh is in order. Sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad, we’re all our own worst critic at times. 🙁
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I’m assuming you’re talking about taking pole class? As mentioned, is there a reason you’re taking classes that focus on the gymnastics side, do you like it or is it just what they do? What brought you to pole in the first place? This aspect of pole is cool, but not for everyone and certainly not the only way to enjoy pole. Have you had a chance to read my Veena Method course, it might help you understand what kinds of expectations you should be placing on yourself. https://www.studioveena.com/methods/letter
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If pole generally give you pleasure, I wouldn’t quit after just one bad night. We’ve all been there; at least I know that I have been there. I also struggle with the gymnastics side of pole, but that is the side that I enjoy because it is such a challenge to me and I kind of suck at it. I know what it’s like to be presented with a move and freezing out of fear. It has happened to me on more than one occasion.
Take this for what it was: one bad night. If you notice that the bad nights start piling up, maybe consider a studio change or an instructor change. I know that if I didn’t have the wonderfully encouraging instructor I have I probably would not have lasted as long as I have.
Regarding comparing yourself to others, although this is a natural thing to do that everybody does, Runemist is right when she says that you don’t know what others are thinking when they look at you. I was recently told that someone in my class was inspired by my progress, which completely floored me, because I feel like I can barely do anything! So you don’t know what others think. The majority of the time people are just too busy critiquing themselves. You also don’t know how much time others spend practicing. Pole is hard! Especially the gymnastics side of pole. How many hours a day do you practice? To get really good at something like this especially with having no dance or gymnastics background takes many hours of practice, every day, not just going to class a couple of times a week. So maybe that will help put that in perspective.
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Thank you for taking time to reply. I fell in love with pole for the beautiful flow, for the lyrical choreo and yes the tricks, you know linking a Gemini to a butterfly To a flatline etc. I love strength moves and hope some day that I will brass monkey deadlift and handspring, but the flips, the handstands and the cartwheels scare me. Really scare me. I’m not interested in this end of pole at all though I seriously admire it. This is the style that most of the girls want and is taught. I’m the oddity in liking heels and choreo. There might in fact be only me. I had a terrible session yesterday and indeed have been having a hard time for a few weeks so I’m emotional and over invested and maybe I need to step back and give myself a breather. It feels like if I can’t crack the gymnastics that I’ll get left behind.
I really appreciate your replies. It is very kind and generous of you. -
Just wanted to add that my studio is fantastic and I might need to just sit down and talk with them about my fears 🙁
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It’s not a good feeling to sit out while others bust moves like it ain’t no thing. Still, your fear is telling you something. Maybe you shouldn’t exclude the possibility completely from the future, but instead have a different approach and outlook.
Maybe you need to break the moves down more, maybe there’s some key element missing from your at-home practice versus theirs, or maybe you just plain don’t like it and that’s okay. I would focus on getting the tricks I actually want and not allow the pressure of flips I admire (but could care less about) get me down. It’s surprisingly a great thing that we’re all different w/ a different style and skill-set. It doesn’t feel great, though, to be left out in a group session no matter what style or skill-set.
I don’t think you’re going to be left behind if you don’t like to cartwheel and flip, but I do hope your studio will listen to your concerns. Maybe they need someone like you to bring something new to the table or at least provide a challenge for them as instructors to help their student learn and be confident.
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Yeah that is true, it’s the feeling that I stand alone, that I’m the only one not comfortable, which got to me. And it took every ounce of my being to not grab my stuff and run. But I didn’t. I stayed, deeply uncomfortable as it was.
Thank you for your wise words. -
You’re not the only one who’s uncomfortable. It takes a lot of time and work to push past that. The danger of serious injury is possible for anyone, even in less flashy moves. I biffed it big time in one of my “comfort moves” because I got too cocky. Just because it looks effortless to somebody else doesn’t mean they’re not scared or doing it 100% all the time. Use your introspective position to your advantage and you may save somebody’s neck, possibly your own. It’s a good thing you don’t force into it.
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Girl on a Pole, I’ve felt that way too, about feeling I was the only one who felt uncomfortable. I don’t think it’s completely true, though. While I think that some people might find these moves less scary than I do they are probably still scared. I am just more scared.
What has helped me is ALWAYS having a spotter. I won’t attempt any type of upside-down move on my own. Also, make sure you have mats. I usually am the only one in the class using a mat, but it makes me more comfortable using one. I don’t care what other people might think about that because if I fall it will be my head that will be broken, not theirs. I’d rather be safe than sorry. So mats helps, having a spotter helps. I’d rather wait for a spotter to attempt a move than to attempt it alone and have a panic attack.
You’re definitely not the only one struggling with gymnastics-type moves.
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Girl on a pole, have you tried supplementing studio lessons with the lessons here? You’ll see greater progress if you’re able to refer back and watch. You’ll also find that working on all of the off pole training here is very helpful. 😊
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Hiiiiii
You should try talking to your teachers about it, and maybe they will allow you to work on something else while everyone is working on something that you are not comfortable with. Also suggest that they include some more dancing along with the tricks.
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There’s a few things I would suggest:
Speak to the girls in the class and try to rally some support for sexy pole or whatever it is you enjoy. In my experience lots of people would like to try it but are afraid to be the first to speak up.
Organise a Pole Jam. Learn some things from each other in a casual environment with no pressure to stick to the curriculum.
Practise at home. Explore other elements of pole that make you feel good. Perfect your basics and flow, both sides!
Consider dropping down a level. I have recently done this. I find there’s a bigger focus on choreography in the lower level. I don’t feel pressure to perform and can enjoy pole more.
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I spoke to my male teacher this morning (I have two teachers) and we are considering doing a private together so I can get over my fear of these moves. They sort of become part of the curriculum in the upper intermediate and advanced classes. He asked me this morning “what are you scared off” and my answer “breaking my neck and leaving my son without a mum.” I feel the same about inverted crucifix 🙁 He believes my body can do it and is strong enough but my mind is frozen. He’d start with basic tumbles and supported handstands. I think I could do a one on one.
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Yay! I’m so happy to hear your instructor is going to coach you through this and give you the extra attention this clearly deserves. I am sure you are strong enough, but there are some moves which we all need more guidance and spotting to build confidence. And some moves just never feel as good as others, but hopefully the fear will subside. I know I have my own share of nemesis moves. You got this, girl!
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I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’ve definitely felt some of those feels. I too have what I call a “high sense of self-preservation”. I.e. I’m scared of many moves that put me upside down and hanging by a prayer! I’m two years into pole and I’m just starting to Ayesha with full support of my teacher holding my hips. Today I brought my legs off the pole for a nano second. All the girls in my studio have long lapped me on tricks. It’s tough. I’m not very flexible either. I don’t have my splits. I can’t do any of the stuff you said you can’t do. I’ve made it through my gymnastic slowness by focusing on what I’m good at. I’m good at the stuff you like: flow, choreo, heels. I spend a lot of time on that stuff which is probably why my tricks suffer:) but I get lots of girls wishing they could flow and come up with Choreo.
My point is that the grass is greener on the other side and we will always have something we can’t do… Yet. I’m sure you’ve heard all the usual mantras about your own pole journey, but I find that when I watch my own bobber I am happier. I always find one thing I can do or one thing I’m better at today and focus on that. It’s too easy to get dragged down otherwise. I can’t even do a cartwheel! Haha.
I know the culture of pole is trick heavy, but flow and true dancing are valued. I placed second in my division a couple months ago in a competition bc the judges value Dance and not just trickery. They will see people slam out amazing tricks all day, but they aren’t going to see many people put them together In a coherent piece of entertainment or art.
I hope this helps to know there are others out there like you killin it without doing insane shit. Hang in there and try and remember why you started pole:) xoxo.
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Briwi, it’s like you and I were having the same moment 🙂 I also have been having a few weeks where I was getting down on my pole abilities (or lack thereof), and haven’t been seeing progress as much as I’d like to.
I have been feeling older and more injury prone. I also don’t have a gymnastics background, and am relatively inflexible as my primary modes of fitness were more along the lines of weightlifting. Caterpillar is my nemesis, because I’ve fallen off a few times and scared the bejeesus out of myself. Leg hangs have been hard. Any split grip type move is hard. I don’t have a great straddle. My shoulders are like iron bars and are not flexible in the slightest. And I still feel EXTREMELY self conscious wearing pole shorts.
I was driving to my class yesterday, and I just told myself I’m not going to compare myself to anyone else’s pole journey anymore. I’m not going to pressure myself to be an any “point” on any “timeline.” I’m going to live to pole another day and not get myself injured by going too fast. I’m going to set limits for myself in class when we’re doing something I can’t get into safely, even when everyone else seems to be getting it just fine. Like I was in intermediate yesterday, and we were supposed to do a climb where you invert into chopper, go to jasmine, then invert again to go up. We were asked to do it at least three times up the pole on each side. I only did twice on each side. I literally was so scared to go up any higher and had a moment of SHEER panic when I was on my last one. I got a little stuck and was barely in jasmine, when the panic set it. I had to talk myself into staying calm and to keeping my points of contact on the pole instead of letting go and falling all the way off. I managed to get up and out, and then I got down off the pole. I wasn’t upset at myself, because I actually was able to overcome a moment of complete fear and be safe. YES, I didn’t do it all three times on each side, but for me two times was enough!
We did brass monkey yesterday and I was able to do it, barely. There’s another girl who started after me, who was not only able to do brass monkey, but she could deadlift herself into it, no problem. She could also do shoulder mount flips, easily. I tried on both sides and have no idea what it looked like, but I know it wasn’t even close to being what it was supposed to be. Another gal was next to me who looked like a graceful angel, not only doing all the things, but adding to them and creating this awesome flow I’ve never been able to do yet. Normally, the way my mood has been in the last few weeks, I’d be getting even more down on myself, but yesterday I was working my mantra of no comparisons, and it helped. I could appreciate their progress and their abilities and be proud of my own progress. It’s not easy, but I think actively reminding yourself of your own abilities and progress can help.
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@stacia we are two groovy peas in a far out pod! Haha. I’m only 28, but seem to be injury prone. I too come from weight lifting and I also don’t always do all the reps in pole class for safety’s sake. I’m so glad you’re doing things your way and working with a great attitude! We will turtle along together:) slow and steady wins the race!
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Gosh I am glad I wasn’t on that class because I would probably have left in tears. I would definitely have sat it out next to you. I can do a bunch of interesting things on a pole but I can’t handspring, cartwheel or flip and I can’t Ayesha or kick into handstand. I never feel at all secure in a caterpillar or actually, in a basic inverted crucifix and I am 45 years old and scared of breaking my neck. So there.
I am good at spin flow – and that is because I LOVE spin pole flow and my only interest in tricks is: will they look good as part of a flowing, dreamy, floating spinning pole dance. Because that’s what I want my pole story to be about. I want to amaze and captivate myself and my chosen audience (which is fellow polers) by seeming to float and fly in the air around the pole. I want to look at my videos (which use lights and filters galore) and see performance art, creative lyrical flow DANCE which makes me happy and proud. My dance, my way, telling my story.
That is literally all I care about.
I would like to be able to bust out a Phoenix one day because I think it looks beautiful in a dance – but there are a bunch of ways to fly up and invert on a pole without exploding my rotator cuffs. I don’t want to even go anywhere with twisted grip because for me, with hypermobility making my shoulder girdle permanently unstable it is just bloody dangerous. I would rather perfect the basics on aerial and spinning than bust tricks from the floor that risk seriously injuring me.
I don’t go to pole classes any more. I pole jam with friends, book the odd private, use Veena lessons and pick up tricks via online tutorials, do instagram challenges and attend a local yoga studio.
Talking to your instructor and trying some stuff out in a 1:1 sounds a great way to challenge yourself safely – and asking for a flow class, or switching levels to find a class where your style sparkles is gods advice.
Good luck! There is room in the pole world for us all! This isn’t gymnastics or ballet or figure skating!
Yet.
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Wow, such great honest answers, you’ve all made me feel better. Thank you all. Back training tomor so I will apply some of your wisdom. Much appreciated everyone.
Oh and veena, I would love your lessons but I had to take my home pole down due to lack of space. -
You could ask about/look up prep moves and progressions of what they are teaching, or moves that are similar but more stable/grounded or reverse the actions so you come down into it etc. Eg. If they’re kicking into handstands against the pole, you could do headstands against the wall to get used to being upside down. If they’re doing handsprings, you could work on your ayshas to stabilize the end position etc etc. Check out Veena’s lessons and hopefully your instructor can help 🙂 Deadlifts are all the rage here for Adv pole and going to workshops with super strong polers makes me want to cry especially when there aren’t any alternatives given or progressions talked about – I am tall and over-flexy, my joints are not stable enough to just lift like that even after years of pole. I am going slow and super steady with my strengthening and if I get there, cool, if not… *shrug* – there is so much more to pole than what I CAN’T yet do or maybe ever do but that’s totally ok because I can do amazing things already and have many more amazing things yet to learn. (I was amazing as a beginner too, and so are you! All pole is amazing!) The possibilities with pole are never ending so don’t let one move or class of moves stop you from being your awesome pole self!
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