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Am I overreacting? Feeling slightly upset/confused/discouraged
So yesterday I went to a climbing and inverts workshop at my studio, as my teacher advised it might be beneficial for anyone who is struggling with the aerial invert. I can’t quite get mine yet so I thought I’d give it a try, and was really looking forward to it.
We started with stretching, lunges, squats, some pretty tough core exercises, and I managed to get through it all fine despite not feeling my best (overdid it slightly at my work’s summer party the night before, oopsee).
The first pole exercise we did was to pull up into a pole hold and stay there for 30 seconds before slowly lowering ourselves down. I slid straight down at first, because it’s insanely hot and humid in London at the moment so it was really slippy. I applied some grip, tried again and did it without too much of a problem, but the teacher said ‘You should try not to use grip, it’ll make you stronger.’ Fair enough perhaps if I was using it constantly, but it was pretty much the slippiest I’ve ever been and it would’ve been pointless to keep trying to hold on without it. I thought that was a bit strange, but anyway I said okay, and only applied it that one time at the beginning of class.
We moved onto some climbs which were okay, some of the more advanced ones I found quite tough though, and then she asked to see us invert. I went first and she said it was good, then asked us to invert into inverted crucifix, slide down into a handstand and do butterfly legs. I know I’m not alone in this – handstands freak me out. I gave it a try but it didn’t look quite right, so I tried again and asked if she could help me with my leg positioning. She did, but as she bent my free leg down over my head I lost either my nerve or my balance (or both) and started slowly falling. I managed to save my face by clamping onto the pole with my legs but I still landed in quite an ungraceful way. She looked at me on the floor for a minute and then started asking who my teacher was and how long I’d been doing level 4 classes, which made me feel quite embarrassed. I answered her questions and she said it might be beneficial to do levels 2 and 3. Level 3 I could possibly understand as I felt I was on the borderline between 3 and 4, but 2? That didn’t feel very good. She said I was missing some strength training, which I suppose is a fair enough comment as I did struggle with a couple of the exercises, but then she pointed out two other girls and said ‘See, these girls are doing level 2 at the moment and they’re actually stronger than you.’ I thought that was unnecessary and a bit hurtful, and to be perfectly honest, although they could handstand well and I couldn’t, I didn’t see that much difference in our inverting ability, and if anything I thought mine was a bit smoother.
I explained that when I came to the studio for an assessment they told me I should be in level 4, and she asked me to try the handstand again. I did, and I really tried my best but due to nerves and now lowered confidence I knew it wasn’t going to go that well, so the same thing happened. She just stood there and didn’t say anything, so to break the silence I said ‘Sorry’ (don’t know why) and explained how I’m really comfortable with inverts, Gemini, crucifix etc but handstands make me nervous. All she said back was ‘It’s because you’re not strong enough.’
We finished the class 5 mins after that and I left feeling really down and discouraged. I don’t think she was trying to be mean or anything but my confidence is shot. I’ve always been an ‘I can’t’ person when it comes to pole – that is until recently, when thanks to my gradual improvements and you guys’ lovely encouraging comments, my confidence has been increasing and I’ve had a lot more belief in myself, and I think this is reflected in my recent video uploads.
Am I totally overreacting? Please be honest and tell me if so, I just feel like she could’ve handled it a lot better and used less negative language. My old instructor was the most lovely encouraging person ever and she never would’ve dreamed of comparing me to other students or telling me I’m not strong enough without addressing issues like technique, nerves and slippy hands. Sorry this post got so long, I just wanted to vent and I felt like you guys would understand better than anyone else.
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29 Replies
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It’s always hard to take a position in things when you haven’t been there personally, but as far as you are telling your side of the story, yes, she could have said things differently and a lot nicer.
It’s a no-go (even if it’s justified) to make such comments in front of everyone else. A teacher should be able to encourage their students.
Might be that you are not ready for the handstands-stuff, but in that case she could just have helped you and show you some techniques to get better at them.
Maybe you could talk to the teacher who advised the workshop to you and tell her that you didn’t feel very comfortable with the other’s teaching style?
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I don’t think you are overreacting at all. While there might be value to what this instructor is saying (that you need a little more strength training), she seriously lacks tact.
I know it might be a little uncomfortable, but the fact that she allowed you to just slide down out of a handstand and was staring at you a second time without spotting (since by then she has seen you can’t do it), would make me mention to someone higher up about the safety issue too. A good instructor might use someone as an example but would know to never compare students of different abilities.
I remember your post and how happy you were to be back in classes so please don’t let this weigh you down, and go talk to someone at the studio.
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Thanks both of you for your thoughts on this.
@tacha I know, it is always hard to tell when you weren’t there, and who knows, she might tell it completely differently – it could be that her teaching style just wasn’t right for me. I will think about mentioning it to my teacher if she recommends the workshop again.@verticali Thanks for your concern. I’m not sure what she could’ve done to spot me more than she was really, as she was using her hands to position my legs, but I do see your point. I don’t think it’s worth taking it further though, I think that might make it more awkward and I don’t think she’s a bad teacher – the others were doing fine with her. I’m feeling a bit better about it today and I won’t let it put me off going to my classes – I’m looking forward to my next one already 🙂
I hope you guys don’t think I’m ignoring your advice, I was upset but I don’t think it’s worth taking it any further, I just needed to get it off my chest really. And it’s nice to know I’m not just being crazy!
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Doesn’t sound like you are overreacting to me. I agree with the others that she could have said things a lot more nicely, she could have talked to you about it after class instead of in front of everyone, and comparing you to the other girls was really unnecessary.
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Wow! she is horrible. seriously. I don’t think you are over reacting. sounds like she just doesn’t want to be bothered with teaching. she wants students that don’t need her help. what a rude bitch. I wish I could say something to her for you! is there another instructor you can take classes with? she has broken the trust you put in her as a teacher. Handstands used to make me cry. really. I was so afraid of them. but my teacher was very supportive. Handstands are now my favorite thing to do and I can even deadlift my handstand against the pole. If you do want to work on handstands at home, do lots of elbow stands and do veena’s shoulder press in her beginner/strengthening lessons. those shoulder presses made my wrists and shoulders stronger so I could hold a handstand. the shoulder presses are not easy . just keep doing them until they become easy. were you doing handstands against the pole or the wall? for me, I wasn’t as scared to do them against the pole as I was the wall. weird, I know. but if you were doing them against the pole you might be safer to do them against the wall. once you get your butt against the pole or wall, it will hold a lot of your weight and it wont be as scary. really work on those elbowstands for now. screw that teacher!!! I know very advanced students who cant handstand.
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Dude, I have been at this for 6+ years, can aerially invert and do lots of upper level stuff but still cannot do the handstand you are referring to. I do not feel comfortable in it and it freaks me out every time even if I do attempt it. It has nothing to do with strength at all. It has everything to do with not every move is for every body.
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she could have handled it way better. Ok you might be lacking some strength, but she could have given you advice on how to work on handstands and get comfy with them and not put you down like that.
Don’t give up and you will get this handstands. -
Handstands, ugh, I find them super hard. Loads of people of all levels do.
Your teacher, ugh, rude and unhelpful.
Poor you, you deserve a better teacher! -
I don’t think you’re over reacting. If someone could easily do a move they wouldn’t need to attend that class… So the right thing to do would have been to modify the moves for different levels of ability.
If your level 4 teacher hasn’t told you to go to a level 2 or 3. Then I wouldn’t worry about it. I’d stay with instructors who encourage you!!!
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@PhoenixHunter She’s not my regular instructor, I have a different teacher for my weekly classes (she’s great) but I just took this drop-in class as it was recommended by my usual teacher. Who actually called over anyone who was having difficulty with handstands in our first session and worked with us individually, spotting and giving us tips, and then said that we don’t have to learn elbowstands and handstands if we don’t want to, but as long as we want to she’ll help in any way she can. That’s the kind of teaching I need!! Thanks also for your tips, we were doing them against the pole after coming down from an inverted crucifix. I’ve been working on elbowstands a little bit to get over my fear and I’ll definitely have to try the shoulder press!
@Chemgoddess1 Thank you so much for saying this, I thought this myself. I was thinking, if I’m strong enough to do an actual butterfly and almost aerial invert how can I be too weak to do a butterfly handstand? I honestly think if I worked on the technique/getting over the fear I could get it, I just haven’t had the practice these other girls have as I didn’t start at this studio from level 1. I don’t think one small move (that I’m not even that bothered about mastering) should be a barrier to progression.
@sassylina I agree, I’d feel better if she’d considered that there might be other reasons for my fear rather than instantly jumping to my alleged lack of strength. She did give me some strength exercises afterwards, but no handstand pointers.
@Tropicalpole Thank you, I thought a lot of people felt this way about handstands! But nobody else in the class did, because I think at this studio they’re very keen on mastering every move on the list for each level before progressing, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. I see why they do it but it’s not very welcoming for girls such as myself who have been self-taught/learned elsewhere and then joined at intermediate level.
Some of you had a pretty strong reaction to this so I actually went back and re-read my post again to make sure I hadn’t exaggerated anywhere! I don’t think I did, but again it’s hard to convey tone of voice etc in written text. She didn’t snap or yell at me, she said it all quite matter of factly, but it did make me feel bad. That could be my problem or it could be hers, depending on your perspective, but I agree it could’ve been handled better.
I don’t want to bash my studio, it really seems like a great place and my regular teacher is fantastic, so I’m hoping this was just a one off negative experience. I have to say though, I won’t be taking that workshop again unless it’s with a different teacher. (Hoping nobody who was there or who attends my studio reads this, I honestly don’t want to bitch about the teacher and nobody else in the workshop seemed to have a problem, just wanted to get everything off my chest). Thank you for your understanding as always!
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@AllysonKendal You’re so right, I was annoyed because my teacher hasn’t suggested dropping down, she knows I struggle with aerial inverts which is why she suggested taking this extra class in the first place, so the whole reason I was there was to work on my inverts, not to have my lack of handstand ability criticised! I guess it just got a little off-topic.
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This woman does not have the best communication skills. If all your saying is true, she really has no graciousness, tact, or finesse. You’re probably not the first and certainly won’t be the last person who has felt slighted by her way with words.
I would have had a very difficult time not taking that personally. She focused on there being something wrong with YOU, instead of the class or even her (ahem) teaching style not suiting your needs. That is where she went very, very wrong. It is hard enough to learn pole as it is, and we are hard enough on ourselves as it is, without an instructor heaping “blame” on us as well. “You’re not strong enough.” Give me a break. Really? What a horrible choice of words!
Anyway, I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. Even though it sounds like a tired cliche, the FACT is the problem is with her, not you. Don’t take her poor language skills onto yourself and make them part of you. Or her seeming “uppity”-ness. Blah!
I personally wouldn’t choose this instructor for any further classes, or if you must, have an aside talk with her about your discouragement. Here’s hoping she’s apologetic and more sensitive from now on. -
I agreed with Chemgoddess1; I’ve been poling for ~2 years on and off and handstands freak me out. I’m so keen to get the, and work on handstands maybe 3-4 times a week and they STILL freak me out. Hell, regular butterfly or any sort of balancing away from the pole like that freaks me out!
More to the point, I’m at my third pole studio and this is the first time I’ve EVER worked on handstands. They just didn’t do it at my other studios. My instructor is lovely with them, she gives us options from people who can’t do the at all to people who can do them onto the pole, grab on and sit up then come back down the same way. She’s always understanding and encouraging. We have a woman in my class who HATES them. She’s strong enough to invert but her shoulders just nope right out of handstands so she has little confidence and needs a spot. I’ve never seen her be told she shouldn’t be in the class, only ever encouragement on how much she’s improving and tips on how to build her confidence more. Anything less than this I consider unacceptable.
If it were me I’d be speaking to somebody higher up about the safety issue Verticali mentioned as well as her general conduct. Comparing students (especially in order to put one of them down) is never acceptable and goes far beyond a demonstration.
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WOW! I really feel bad because that was a horrible excuse for an instructor. Still, the discussion made me feel better because I always thought I was one of the few who gets nervous doing handstands. Seems there are a lot of us.
The instructor was completely out of line. They should be supportive even if its something at a higher level for you. Second, it seems handstands are an issue in some way for a lot of us and an experienced instructor should know that. Third, sounds like she sort of gave up in helping you. Shouldn’t they have considered something different (like Veena does elbow stands) or another move to at least added some progression for you since you did I presume pay for the class?Not sure I understand the level business or agree with it. Some people can perform advanced moves yet still have problems with beginner or intermediate moves. We are all different, physically, mentally, fitness & experience. Everyone does what they can, when they can.
Thank You everyone who had the guts to say they have trouble with handstands!!!
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To be honest I get discouraged ALOT!!!! but the only thing that kept me going to class each week was my instructors telling me every one is at their own pace and everyone always encouraged me! I re took a level because I didn’t feel comfortable. My teacher said I would have been fine but I didn’t feel comfortable. I have been struggling to get the gemini for 8 weeks and it’s killing my drive to keep going. Too make it worse a “friend” who continues to try and show me up landed the gemini last week. And I still can’t get the stupid thing. Then. I pop into a hand stand like it’s nothing because I have been doing it since I was 5. Someone told me after class they felt discouraged because how quick I got it. I laughed because it’s the ONLY thing I got this level lol but I said please don’t think I’m stronger or amazing… I have been doing that since I was 5. I have always thought life was better upside down. But the leg hangs I just can’t get. I have tons of bruises to prove my trials. It also bothers me your instructor talked to you like that in front of the other students. So unprofessional. And this was a specific workshop for inverts so obviously you care enough to work on your struggles to come to an extra workship. She should have been supporting your drive and not giving up! I applaud you but I would find a new studio or definatley stick with anot her teacher! You will get the hand stand and then rock it all the time! The hardest part of pole is knowing everyone gets things at different rates. And no matter what you have to keep going because you love pole and not because someone else can do something better 🙂 hope that helped some!! You are doing great!!!
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You might be sensitive if you’re having a bad pole day, but that happens to absolutely every single pole dancer in the world sometimes.
As far as your instructor goes, it is never a good idea to compare students like that. Especially when one of them is struggling. She shouldn’t have done that.
Remember, though, that if you want to take her class, you’re paying her so don’t be afraid to speak up! You can say, “I don’t like being compared to others,” if she says something like that. Or just ask her, “Do you think it’s fair to compare me to others?” It’s not rude to point out that what she’s doing isn’t beneficial to you. She is there to help you get better and if she can’t do that, time to try another instructor.
Don’t worry about the handstand business. Everyone has their nemesis moves. It’s not the move you will never get, it is simply the move that may take you longer to get. Remember there is more than one way to be strong, maybe handstands are not your thing but another move is your bread and butter.
Focus on what you do well, limit how many nemesis moves you work on in one class.
Change your focus to flow or flexibility for a little while, maybe. Come back to strength work when your self image is a little more restored and you can tackle those difficult moves with some confidence.
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She did wrong in comparing you to the others in that situation, no question.
Could it be that some instructors (not sure if it goes for this one) turn to the strenght argument when they don’t know how to help their students with the technique?A pole handstand shouldn’t require much strength. Remember to push you shoulders away from your body if that makes sense. Kind of make your body longer. That’s where a lot of the stability comes from.
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I agree with Lina that pole handstands should not take that much strength. A lot of people are just really uncomfortable getting their hips over their shoulders, and that alignment is important for the efficiency/ease of the move. Someone earlier mentioned that there are lots of exercises that lead up to handstands that you could practice safely.
Regarding the instructor’s behavior I’m sorry… it does sound like she put you on the spot unnecessarily & didn’t really have answers for you. Instructors are just people, though… it doesn’t excuse it, but maybe she was having a terrible day too…? Traveling, tired, felt like an idiot because she couldn’t think of how to help you? Just a thought. In the US because of the popularity of pole, there are more and more people instructing & doing workshops that … are not particularly qualified with much background. Idk if this is the same there, but I never forget that instructors are just people and they may or may not have anything to teach you 🙂 Please don’t be discouraged by this one bad day/bad interaction!
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A butterfly leg position in a handstand requires a certain level of flexibility and balance sometimes a straddle is much easier. Were other leg positions taught or offered? Was she watching your hands to make sure they weren’t super far out from the pole and that they were lined up under your shoulders properly? The butterfly leg variation can feel very scary.
I don’t think it’s good to compare students as everyone has strengths and weaknesses and everyone struggles with something. Handstands came later for me because they always felt scary. There is a lot of technique to the handstand – not just strength. Seems like she could have been much more tactful than she was. In terms of strength I’ve seen seemingly strong students struggle with what some may consider to be basic things because it’s also a matter of muscle engagement. So you can be super strong and not be engaging your core or your arms/shoulders etc. I really feel a lot of variations should have been offered if they were not and she should be asking questions about what your are feeling and working through it with you.
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Lina made an important point that applies to this and many other similar posts. A bad instructor is one where when they are not able to teach you something so, they put the blame on the student.
Aren’t we all a “Work in progress?” -
Thanks very much for all your thoughts on this guys. I am no longer quite as discouraged, I went back to my usual class today and my usual (nice) teacher wasn’t there so we had someone else take over. She was really great, we did TONS of conditioning which was hard but has definitely given me some ideas for strength building in my arms and my core. Gonna try and fit in the conditioning exercises at the start of every practice and will continue to work to improve myself, no matter how slow the progress might be.
I feel like my inverts have gotten weaker over the past couple of weeks?! Although that could be all in my head, and also the studio doesn’t have air con yet so it’s CRAZY slippy in there which makes it tougher. But my regular butterfly is (still scary, but) getting a little better each time I try, I managed to do it twice today, and my climbs are improving too. I think I won’t go straight to level 5, but instead will take some stretching/abs/spinning pole classes for all round improvement before I move any higher.
The inverts workshop also came up in conversation with 2 other girls, one had been and hinted that she didn’t get on with the teacher I had and much preferred the other one (so good to know I’m not alone), and the other girl reassured me that she can aerial invert, brass monkey, shouldermount etc but still can’t handstand, and that I mustn’t let it get me down. She recommended coming to some practice classes to learn from the other girls and generally work on what we’ve learned in class, and also the choreography workshop. I’d love to take that but sadly it’s too early for me to get over there after work. So anyway I’m feeling better all round 🙂 Gonna be scouring the class timetables this evening to see what additional workshops I can sign up for! I know where my money’s going this month…
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I love how positive and resilient you are! It’s really inspirational. You are totally going to nail those handstands because of the effort you’ll put in, and it will be so well deserved. Go you!
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Thank you Anzia! I’ve just been brave and booked a crazy long session this weekend – it’s a combination class, 1.5 hours of pole practice followed by a 1 hr 45 minute stretch class :O God help me! But I think it’ll do me good. Onwards and upwards!
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Ok it looks like the times on the website are a typo and it’s 45 minutes stretching, not 1 hour 45…I thought that was a ridiculously long time to stretch!!
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I wish I could make my stretch class that long. We stretch for an hour but I can’t fit in everything I want to do! It usually slips to about 80 mins, but I’d still want to do more!
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