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Colleague “creeping” on FB – what do?
I’d be greatful for some opinions/advice on this. I’m sure some of you must have experienced something similar.
For a few months we had a guy working with us in our group from another site (but same company). I didn’t have anything to do with him, but he was in the same office and constantly looking and such when he passed my room. Very obviously there was an interest. Not at all from my side though. I kept a low profile, trying not to mislead him or how to say, but it seems that did not hit through. He’s from another culture and doesn’t speak Swedish, it could possibly play a role. He may be unsure what signals people use here when they wanna say “I’m not interested”/”I’m interested”. We never had a conversation.
Just before he went back to the site he’s permanently working at, we had a dinner and bowling night with some vendors. He and I was in the same bowling team, but we didn’t really speak then either. I once again kept a “low profile”. So nothing happened in any way.
Then a couple of weeks after he had gone back, I got a friends-request from him on facebook. I should say that my fb is a place of all kind of people nowadays. Friends, online training buddies of pole and contortion, pure creeps, relatives, fake profiles. You name them, I think I’ve got them. I connect to others in my training fields on facebook (among other places) so that’s why the doors are open. I’ve connected with interesting people that I didn’t know were interesting people before I let them in.
I think my collegue has been stalking me for all the time he’s been here and seen on profile and cover pics that the likes come from kind of everywhere. It does not give an impresson of someone who connect only to IRL friends and family. So maybe that’s partly why he took the step and sent me a request even though we don’t know each other.
I was a bit hesitant to accept his request, but considering the crowd that’s already there, I thought that what the hell, I’ll include him then if he so wants. Maybe it was the wrong decision. He first sent me a pm saying hi, that I responded to…with some delay, just saying “hi”, litteraly. Later after I had posted some new training picture, he sent me a message saying “you’re amazing” or something likely. I responded asking “do you mean my training” and he said like “yes, and the way you look, just too much”. I didn’t reply to that. Then yesterday I posted some other picture and he says oh how sexy you are. Hmm…I’ve not responded to that either because I don’t know what is best to say. I don’t need those messages from him as you understand. If he likes my training for whichever the reason, I would have appreciated a “like” and that’s it. So far he hasn’t used the like-button.
In general, no matter who it is, I don’t like when they send me pm:s wanting to talk because they’re interested but not even bother to press like. They could at least support me with that if they want my attention. Those are “the creeps”. They keep activity low because they don’t want others that they are creeping on to see it. Ok, I cannot all the time know for sure why they don’t “like” anything, but I think this is the most common reason.
I would kind of like to tell my colleague that I’d appreciate a like more than a message that tells the same thing, but as you understand I don’t want to cause bad relations. Hopefully he’s not coming back here but I may be going there for some short presentation and it doesn’t feel good to have conflicts. Unfriending or blocking will be even worse.
What would you have done? I think I need to respond something since he’s repetedly sending me messages. How can I in a polite way get him to back off without hard feelings? Advice would be much appreciated!
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32 Replies
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You still want to be friends with this guy but you don’t want him to see all your training photos/vids right? I keep to myself a lot and don’t often like to share my photos outside of my pole bubble so I organise my fb friends into different lists – so those that have potential to be ‘creepy’ are on an ‘acquaintances’ list so they hardly ever see my posts.
FB privacy settings are great so certain people can’t view everything you post. For when he comments on your photos etc. often a short polite reply like ‘thanks’ or even just liking his comment is enough.
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Maybe it was unclear how I get his messages, it is actually not as comments on the pictures, but as personal messages over the chat.
I don’t care so much if he sees my pics (since he already has), but I would prefer him not to send me creepy messages about being sexy etc. I feel I need to respond in a way that doesn’t provoke more interest from his side, but still doesn’t offend him (business reasons).
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hmmm I usually say thanks, it’s a really good fitness or something really boring/mundane so it kills the conversation lol it has only ever happened once or twice to me (creepy messages) to which if I think it’s sexist or pervy I will tell them in a polite but firm way thanks for appreciating the sport now leave me alone. He might not know he is creeping you out and is just keen to show his feelings towards you and may need stronger words off you to get the idea that you are not interested.
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Yes I usually go for a “cold” “thanks” when I don’t wanna continue the conversation with someone. But so far it hasn’t worked in this case. Being cold didn’t help in the office either since he obviously didn’t understand I had no interest.
He’s probably not aware that I just find him creepy, that’s right… So it does not seem better than me having to become more outright to make him get it.
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I would go with the 100% ignore him. And if you are unfortunate and bump into him again I highly doubt he would say anything at all, as if he had the confidence to he would have complimented you in person in the first place….. he will get bored if you dont reply. Sadly I think some men think if you reply you are interested 🙂
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Totally ignore all his private messages he will soon get bored
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I recommend you remove him as a FB friend in addition to not responding to messages. He should be professional when dealing with him professionally. I clear my friends list every few months. Only people I have some sort of REAL connection with. People from my long ago past are not FB friends nor are acquaintances. The exception is if there is a interest that is being shared like I have people online only sharing photography or music info (similar to this website) and do not talk to offline. Used to have some bandmates as FB friends from bands I was in years ago. When no real even online relationship developed I removed them from my friends list. I do have several business FB pages so the “generic population” can connect through them.
People get too caught up with the number of FB friends (twitter followers, etc.) they have so, feel they have to add everyone that requests. You can buy FB friends ($30/thousand) or for any social media. Does that really impress anyone but yourself? And either way then you are exposing your personal information to many people you don’t really know and do not know what they will use that information for. You are better treating your personal social media accounts like you would your personal lives.
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A simple “your comments are flattering but they make me uncomfortable” is the response you should give. Passive is NOT the way to go and if he cannot handle a simple and blunt rejection then you need to take extra steps. If you handle it professionally and don’t back pedal this should kill his advances.
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Thanks for responding. If he had been just anyone and not a colleague I’d just have totally ignored or removed him. But I don’t think it will be so good from the professional point of view. I may even have to meet him quite soon again.
Well, he keeps it up…when I got home and checked fb, he had sent me another message saying “can I watch the game with you?”. First I didn’t understand a bit of what he was talking about. Like, is it something going on in sports that I’ve totally missed (I always do :))? But after a while I got what he meant. One of my pictures had been up in the news feed during the afternoon, this one:
https://www.studioveena.com/photos/view_photo/530cc662-0478-40f8-a69a-50b80a9aa0eb
It was from the day of the hockey final and since it looks like I’m watching something on my computer on the pic, I had written “watching the game” as a funny caption to it. So that’s what he was referring to…I may have to send him a reply tomorrow or something. Maybe that I’m assuming that his messages are meant as compliments, but that they unfortunately turn out looking a bit “creepy”.
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From a professional viewpoint yes you can ignore and remove him as a FB friend. Your personal FB account is just that: Personal. If he does not treat you professionally when working together than he is not a professional.
Sending him a direct response sometimes is fine but often is seen as confrontational. A long time ago I was on the bad side of a domestic situation. Afterwards the phone calls came in regularly and even bizarre answering machine messages. This was before Caller ID. The police had advised me to change my phone number as unlisted immediately and not in any way confront them as that was more likely to make things much worse.
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I would say to him, in work, preferably in front of a reliable witness colleague
‘I’m happy to have a good professional relationship with you and am pleased with the work we have done together with our colleagues but I don’t feel comfortable having you viewing and commenting on my personal life Facebook posts. To make our working relationship feel more comfortable and professional for me, I’m going to block Facebook contact. It’s not personal – it’s just that I have decided what works best for me and the company is to keep work and personal stuff separate.’Then block him plus a few other people and make sure all work stuff is very professional and preferably with other people there.
If he moans,
Just smile politely and repeat ‘I’ve decided what works best for me and the company is to keep professional and personal stuff separate.’Make a note of anything that makes you feel not comfortable and withdraw, just stay very professional and detached. Imagine a documentary film crew is recording you making a video about how to handle unwanted attention from colleagues.
And speak to HR, taking in any notes or diary of unwanted and inappropriate attention.
Because if you ask them to stop in a way a reasonable person would understand, and they carry on, it’s harassment.
Good luck
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Oh yeah, and the slightest feeling that he’s not understood or is going to be difficult in any way after your verbal, informal warning-off (preferably in front of witness) follow up with an email from your work email saying it again
‘Just to confirm that I’m happy with our professional relationship as colleagues but don’t feel comfortable with you commenting on my personal Facebook stuff like fitness training; so I’ve blocked you – it’s what feels most comfortable and professional for me – thanks, Lina’
Then you have a paper trail if you need it. 🙂
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That’s an unfortunate situation, sorry Lina. I would be hesitant too, just because I don’t like letting people down. Seems like he is trying to ‘go somewhere’ and his hope is to establish a relationship…but you have to let him down.
I don’t really have a good answer for the best way to do that, though. The fact that I am married and my profile says so, probably deters a lot of creepers, so I don’t have much experience with the social media & guys stuff. I do have a separate pole profile, because I don’t want guys I interact with in real life to have access to my pole pics, and as I rule I don’t accept guy friend requests on that profile. 😉
GL….again, sorry and I hope this is resolved well!!
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Bringing it up at your workplace here in the states can be grounds for being fired without warning. One thing he has done correctly it sounds like is avoiding anything at the workplace. Even though he may have initiated things, most companies have policies concerning bring personal matters to the workplace and it is considered a form of workplace harassment if you confront him at a place of business.
If your company has a Human Resources (why is there never a dog or monkey Resources?) or Personnel Department you might consider asking there what to do if the situation might make it into the workplace. -
It has already crossed over to work; if he wasn’t a work colleague she wouldn’t still be in contact and its because he was a work colleague that she feels she had to accept his FB request out of politeness. It needs pointing out that they are only work colleagues and work colleagues only.
How is this harassing him? If she points it out at work? She is not to blame for being subjected to unwelcome attention.
It is simply drawing attention to the appropriate professional truth.She only need to deal with him and communicate with him at work
She owes him nothing more.
She should certainly not have to put up with unwelcome personal remarks for a colleague simply because he is a colleague. And her work should support her in drawing appropriate professional lines – not victim blaming.As women we are sometimes too worried about offending people and think we should just put up with it; no. Nobody has to put up with being made to feel uncomfortable by a colleague remarking on their personal life, their body, and nobody owes a colleague a picture of themselves dancing in shorts.
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The man involved never brought it to work. The first person to bring it to work will probably be considered the antagonist, man or woman.
Here is a sample from the Society for Human Resource Management (SHRM) which is International and does training, certification and study of Human Resources. Most HR people are members.
http://www.shrm.org/TemplatesTools/Samples/Policies/Pages/CMS_000537.aspx
While this is a sample it is based on SHRM recommended policies and is considered standard practice by many companies including my own. While somewhat subjective there are two things that if she approaches him at work would come into play:1) The Company prohibits employees from violating this right of their co-workers.
2) Therefore, the Company prohibits employees from harming or threatening to harm other employees, clients, vendors, visitors or property belonging to any of these parties.While he may have started the situation, it has not to this point been at the workplace. Although a specific workplace may or may not think that what he did already violated these rules. That is why it would be safer to speak with Human Resources rather than run the risk that She would be the violator and risk being fired. Human Resources will keep any conversation in confidence and be able to state what is the best way to deal with the situation.
It is not a question of who might be offended but the organizations policies if she brings it to work. -
Another way around this might be to tell him that he seems nice but for professional reasons you have a rule of not getting personally involved with any co-workers so you need him to stop sending messages to avoid complications.
You can tell him that you accept add requests in order to trade “likes” between you and your added contacts to help boost each other’s page – or word it however it makes sense (I don’t do facebook so I don’t know the proper terms hehe)
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PS: He might try and come back with a compromise in order to stay in touch but be firm and decline any suggestion of contact outside of work and just repeat your reason. If he becomes repetitive in asking for the same things ignore him and save any messages in case you need proof of his behaviour.
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The ‘I’d watch the game with you’ comment IS creepy! It’s a really lame come on. You know something about this guys temperament. He had multiple opportunities to interact with you in real life but chose the more passive route of hitting on you via fb. This means he’s self-conscious & afraid of rejection. So just go ahead and reject him (perhaps through FB? Just send whatever message does the job of saying ‘Back off’.) And you should probably block him, because he’s probably looking through your pictures perving out.
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Web junk, it’s pretty clear from the link that you provided that appropriate professional
Conduct is about respect and it specifically states that employees should not harass each other…European law is particularly strong regarding harassment and human rights.
Blocking FB access to a colleague who has made inappropriate remarks is not a violation of his rights or harassment, nor is reminding him at work that they are colleagues only a violation of his rights. What right to see her doing spits in brief shorts and major suggestive remarks does he have? What right to make her feel uncomfortable does he have?
None!There is no right to harass and no right to FB contact.
I would hate for Lina to think she ran the risk of being fired by telling a colleague to stay professional – it’s not the case at all in Europe that such a thing would happen. Perhaps the US is very different.
But even the link you provided opens with
‘It is this Company’s policy that employees maintain a working environment that encourages
mutual respect, promotes civil and congenial relationships among employees and
is free from all forms of harassment and violence. -
I’m not 100% sure of the laws here regarding confrontations at the work place and possible termination, but what I’m quite sure of is that if you do something which could be considered harrasments (like not stopping making sexual comments on colleagues when told to back off), it will still be a case for the company even if it happens on FB and not at work. The company has HR.
Me and him are not at the same site now so I don’t interact with him in person, he left 1-2 months ago and went back to where he permanently is based.
I’m positive that it was not a coincidence that his request came after he had left us and not before. He probably thinks that now that we’re not going to have more to do with each other anymore professionally (he’s not coming back from what I know, but no one can of course foresee what will happen in the future), he wants to proceed to/hoping for a personal relationship. I think the comment about him being afraid of rejection could be correct, since he has chosen to approach me in this way, over the internet.
I think that if he won’t listen and stop after the reply I’m planning to send him in the evening today (just want to figure out the right words), then I will probably have to say that I’ll be unfriending you since you’re a colleage and I’ve decided to keep private and professional separate.
I just hope he won’t get more “specific” in his way of expressing himself. “Sexy” could pass for now, but if it’s getting worse than that it will be bad for us both. -
Lina:
Even though HR is not at your location you could still call them and I still recommend doing that before hand. Phone calls are treated the same as an in-person meeting.Tropicalpole:
The HR company policies generally cover the workplace only and not the rest of the world. While it may be he waited to contact because he is afraid of rejection, it might also be a case that he is not doing anything at the workplace where he would be violating those company policies. If you run into a fellow worker at a bar and they hit on you, you probably can’t the next day complain at work as it was not at the workplace. If they broke a law you can contact the police but its rarely considered a work incident.
As for laws like European harassment laws for instance in the UK & Germany: there must be a fear of violence and the offender must know they are causing such fear. Stalking laws need to show a pattern as long as there was no reciprocation but adding him as a FB friend then it is not considered stalking.You also asked: “What right to see her doing spits in brief shorts and major suggestive remarks does he have?”
Actually laws all over the world have been tested in the past twenty years. I deal with this kind of things through my work. The decision EVERYWHERE I know of is that if you put something online, you have given away the rights to limit who views it. So as the saying goes, Do not post anything online that you do not want everyone to see.
Facebook specifically has a policy that states your information WILL BE PUBLIC and can be shared by other people to be made public even if you have limited through privacy settings. Especially in this case when he was added as a FB friend he has the right to view her FB posts. Going back to what I stated earlier, we should be more vigilant on whom we add as FB friends.Even on this website within the TOS https://www.studioveena.com/user_registrations/tos
it states:c. By posting any Content to the public areas of the Website, you hereby grant to StudioVeena.Com the non-exclusive, fully paid, worldwide license to use, publicly perform and display such Content on the Website. This license will terminate at the time you remove such Content from the Website.
https://www.studioveena.com/user_registrations/tosI do not see this website making any use of people’s postings anywhere but this reserves their right and is quite common and correct.
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There doesn’t need to be a fear of violence for a course of conduct to constitute harassment in the UK; it just needs to be a course of conduct (more than twice is a course if conduct) causing alarm and distress. We have 2 laws; Malicious Communications Act 1989 and The Protection from Harassment Act 2010. Both use European HR law. In both Acts the test is whether a reasonable person ought to have known the conduct was causing alarm or distress: a clear request to desist covers this and stopping FB contact.
However this isn’t currently criminal harassment: it is a work matter if a colleague is subjecting another colleague to unwelcome attention. So far he has not done so at work but blocking FB and reminding him that they are professional colleagues only is the professional thing to do, and if he causes any issues at work HR should get involved.
Yes anyone can view any public posts made, and images, we are at cross purposes here, sorry Web Junk. I meant as a colleague he has no right to expect FB access to her personal life and if she feels the fact they work together is preventing her from blocking him then that means it has already crossed over into her working life. Telling him they are just colleagues and confining all communication to work matters is appropriate and reasonable; work should support her in this and he can’t claim she is causing him any issues by reminding him of their professional relationship.
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It sounds like you are maybe quoting the law. I don’t have time right now to look it up as I pool sprang a major leak. But in practice when it goes to court they indeed look for a finding of fear of violence. The laws are often written in vague language on purpose. Especially in the UK a lot is left to a magistrate’s discretion.
My concern for Lina is first that the situation with this guy does not escalate. Second, that her position with her company is not jeopardized.
I do agree as a co-worker that itself does not give him a right to her PRIVATE FB postings only after she removes him as a FB friend. But anything that is public (which includes if a FB friend shares a Private post) is for the entire planet including him.
Cannot say what her work will think for any action taken unless you ask them (HR) BEFORE the action. Without knowing her company’s specific policies it is sheer speculation.We are disagreeing on direction but really along the same line. Looking out for a fellow poler. Thank You for thinking about us!
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In the large scheme of things, I think the best course is is what Sparrow does. You need 2 FB profiles. One for pole and one for personal. I am retired, but have to say that if I was still in the business realm, I would have definitely gone this route. Once you split them out, then you can post a status that you will have a new personal page and will be removing non-pole members from the current page. Unfriend him and decide if you want to send him a friend request under the new profile. You don’t even have to use it if you don’t want to, and you also don’t have to remove anyone else from the current profile but him. He will never know. If he questions you, then it is clear he’s a perv and it will be very clear what action needs to be taken.
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