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Complements and Confidence
This is something I've dealt with for a long time; the idea of feeling good about yourself, accepting yourself exactly how you are, and acting like it. I thought I would ask my fellow polers about it, because I believe this is something most, if not all women deal with…and men, too!
As a little kid, I was told about being humble…though I don't know where I was told this! However, it worked for me, through elementary and highschool, I kept my head down and didn't EVER talk about myself as if I was "good" or "interesting," and I was certainly not attractive back then…or so said many of my bullies, anyways.
Since then, this idea has haunted me…and I wonder if it haunts other people. How do you feel good about yourself without appearing vain? What is vanity, and how is it expressed? What do you do when people tell you that you aren't as good as you think, or challenge you to "prove it" or those kinds of things? What do you say to people when they give you complements?
I've come a long way in being confident, but this continues to be a barrier for me. I always think it's good to talk to others and try to work these issues out! Besides, this IS a little bit pole related…because if I wasn't so down on myself, perhaps I would put up more videos, and be able to watch myself dance without wincing and thinking how awful it looks!
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21 Replies
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My wonderful boyfriend taught me a lot about this, he made me realise that you should be your own biggest fan. Who cares if other people think you're vain? That's their problem. Look at all the things you have achieved, all the things you have gotten through and stand tall.
If you don't love yourself, why should anyone else love you? You are as worthy as anyone else on the planet. =)
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I completely agree with salubivires, be your own biggest fan! I think you only cross the line into vanity if you start to act/believe that you are "better" than everyone else. As long as you can believe in yourself without looking down on others, you're good in my books! 🙂
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Thanks ladies 🙂 I appreciate the support!
Dustbunny, how does one think so well of oneself, without…um…appearing to judge others? To say "Yeah, I'm great!" and not make others think that you think you're better? I know that seems a little weird…
How do you not get bogged down with all the "shoulds" and "should nots" of society and people, and yourself? These things usually drag me down pretty hard, too. If I don't "meet standards" in something, then obviously I'm not that good, right? How do you separate these kinds of things?
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I think you can give yourself a pat on the back for the accomplishments you've made without taking away from others. Just because you're good at something doesn't mean someone else is automatically better or worse than you…..it just means you're both at different stages. And that's OK! How boring would life be if we were all at the same stage in life or ability?! It's never healthy to compare yourself to others in anything you do. If you find your train of thought headed that way or in a negative direction tell yourself, "No, I will not think like that. I am not . I am me and I am awsome. I am comfortable with where I am right now. I realize I have more work to do to reach my goals and that's great!"
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Hi Runemist https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif you should definitely post some videos so that you can get used to receiving complements and encouragement, and then you can also practice saying "thanks" and feeling good about yourself!!! there is nothing wrong with humility, it's a very good quality as far as i'm concerned. how to not get dragged down? i guess if you have your own standards for yourself, that is more important than trying to live up to others' standards. as far as pole, the whole point is to have fun and feel good about yourself, and we are all here to support each other 🙂
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I like to think kind of philosophically. We all have rights insofar as those exercising those rights doesnt injure or threaten others. If you consider being happy, confident, and emotionally secure in one's person to be a right (and I do) then you exercise your right to exude that confidence as long as you're not hurting anyone else with it. On the contrary, you can say that we all make certain emotional commitments to the people closest around us, be that a boss, boyfriend or a spouse or child or best friend; and the best way to be available those around you and ensure you have the emotional fortitude to fulfill those commitments is to take care of yourself first to preserve your ability to do so. This is why I like the show What Not to Wear…they emphasize that good presentation and self-confidence are absolute musts if you want to achieve your goals and engage with those around you. They also emphasize that, if your confidence is not up to par, simply presenting yourself as best you can is a quick way to boost it–you can't help but be confident when you see the positive reactions you get from people just from presenting yourelf well.
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I like to think kind of philosophically. We all have rights insofar as those exercising those rights doesnt injure or threaten others. If you consider being happy, confident, and emotionally secure in one's person to be a right (and I do) then you exercise your right to exude that confidence as long as you're not hurting anyone else with it. On the contrary, you can say that we all make certain emotional commitments to the people closest around us, be that a boss, boyfriend or a spouse or child or best friend; and the best way to be available those around you and ensure you have the emotional fortitude to fulfill those commitments is to take care of yourself first to preserve your ability to do so. This is why I like the show What Not to Wear…they emphasize that good presentation and self-confidence are absolute musts if you want to achieve your goals and engage with those around you. They also emphasize that, if your confidence is not up to par, simply presenting yourself as best you can is a quick way to boost it–you can't help but be confident when you see the positive reactions you get from people just from presenting yourelf well.
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**And I should add, the appropriate response to a genuine complement is a simple smile with eye contact and a confident "thank you!" No need to giggle, look away, or act shy in the face of praise. In fact, some people will think you're stuck up if you react submissively to complements because you are, in effect, rejecting their praise and thus their attempt at building an emotional connection. Besides, there's no pressure in random strangers giving you complements because you might never even see them again; and there's no pressure in people you're close to giving you complements becase, hey, you already knew they liked you or you wouldn't keep them around!
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Wow, thanks everyone 😉 I appreciate the responses!
UTPoler, I tend to compare myself a LOT to others, and even myself…skills I used to have that I no longer have, due to lack of practice or whatever. I tend to be very harsh with my judgement of myself, while being very kind with judgements to others…and I will admit, it's very uneven. I've been trying to stop for some time, with…well, not too bad results. I still have a ways to go!
Tarah: I'm gonna try posting more! I have to actually record more and dance, though 😉
PDR: Wow, you really hit the nail on the head there, I think. That one really spoke to me. It's very often that I "excuse" myself from the good rules I have toward others, such as not getting down on oneself, or being kind to oneself, or that kind of thing. I'm always (as I said above) kinder to others than myself, so it becomes difficult to really apply those rules to myself without thinking I'm failing. It's a strange kind of catch 22, and if I actually did believe in myself, it would disappear. I try to present myself as best as I can, but often I find my body-image issues get in the way…clothes aren't often made for someone of my shape, and frequently I feel fat and ugly for it (though I'm sure everyone else disagrees with me!).
It's reassuring to hear that I am generally on the right track, and it is always helpful for me to hear others' opinions on stuff like this! https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_heart1.gif
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If your profile picture is any indication, then you are most definitely NOT ugly! I think you're beautiful…now as poledanceromance suggests, smile and say thankyou, and believe it! 🙂
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I would just like to add that I know what you're going through with the clothes thing. Also, you have a SLAMMIN' body–nice trim waist, shapely behind, pretty legs and a bosom that balances it all nicely! So there.
I was also taught the type of humility you're writing about (is it a Canadian thing, I wonder?) and It's taken me years to get over some of the more toxic aspects of it. There's a line from one of my all-time favourite movies (All About Eve). Addison DeWitt:
"We all come into this world with our little egos equipped with individual horns. If we don't blow them, who else will?"
He follows this up by pointing out that it's just as false not to blow our horns at all as it is too loudly.
I think this sums it up nicely.
@PDR, you are SO damn smart!
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Seriously, watch a few episodes of What Not to Wear. Go for straight leg pants and jeans that go from the widest part of your hip straight to the floor. Always go with shirts and dresses that define the smallest part of your waist with a belt, or put belts over things at the smallest part. Always fit the biggest part of you and tailor down; having clothes taken in is actually not expensive. So you might have to go up a size in pants to get a good fit in the thighs or bust and make a few minor adjustments to get that perfect fit. Keep “completer pieces” in your closet like great jackets, vests, and cardigans in fun colors and patterns. Especially for curvy women, a great jacket/blazer is a must because it will define and control your shape; generally If you are curvy you need to look for clothes with a lot of structure. That means darting to define the waist, good seams around the bust, and darts to define the curve of the sides and back. Here is the distinction:
It’s not you that doesn’t fit the clothes. It’s the clothes that don’t fit you. Clothes are designed for the average of women’s sizes and not any one shape in particular. So don’t expect your body to change to fit the clothes. Change the clothes to make the most of your body.
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I LOVE WNTW!!! I actually found a local seamstress who will alter something for me for a decent price. Also, I've fallen in love with Etsy, where I can get awesome clothes custom made. Also, I just bought a couple of dresses, tops and skirts from peachberserk.com (Canadian) where they will custom make pieces for no extra charge AND do it in the colour and print that you want!!!
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I think everyone has nailed it. There's a difference between confident and cocky. Confidence balanced with genuine humility means that we recognize our abilities and our progress; while also recognizing our growth potential.
Try this:
Make a list of 10 QUALITIES YOU LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF.
Make a list of 10 THINGS YOU LOVE ABOUT YOUR POLE DANCING.
Then, print out each list and hang them where you can see them daily; preferably before you start your day. Repeat them out loud.
Yep, totally awkward and uncomfortable at first. But you'll feel your energy shift. Like the other ladies said, you have to become a fan of (love & appreciate) yourself 1st. When you can do that, it'll be easier to accept compliments. You'll feel like you actually deserve them.
And like others suggested, POST VIDEOS OF YOURSELF HERE! I can't think of a more supportive community!
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I have struggled with this myself! I don't have much to add….Great advice everyone! I do however have a dance for this (I know, I know, I always have a dance lol) https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_e_biggrin.gif This should be every woman's theme song.
https://www.studioveena.com/videos/view/4d3b3ecb-706c-421c-a173-3a570ac37250
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GREAT discussion here! I struggle with confidence and feeling comfortable in my own skin. I have posted a few videos on here and it hasn't been easy! BUT I knew it was something I needed to do–I've been making pole videos in my head for a year now. LOL Part of the reason I got into pole dancing was that I was completely head over heels watching these amazing, confident, strong dancers! I wanted more than anything to have that for myself…its a work in progress, but I'm getting there (I hope!). I try very hard to not worry about what others think and do what makes me happy.
Pole hugs all around! LOL 😉
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Another one suffering with a distinct lack of self confidence here. I was at a point where I couldn't even look in the mirror before I started pole, it got a lot better then I ran afoul of a few of the ladies at the studio I go to and to make matters worse we had to take down my pole at home because we are renovating(I haven't practiced in almost 4 months only been to lessons). Everything went back almost to square one with the self confidence, and I was even considering switching pole studios because of it. I have a much better group in my class this term so that at least is better, but I am still having problems. In the studio where there are mirrors everywhere I have big problems because I really cannot look in a mirror much but I have developed a way to look and see the lines and what my body is doing without actually seeing 'me' if you know what I mean). I am most certainly NOT comfortable in my own skin right now, and I cannot even think about putting up a video for quite a while! The pics I have up are a challenge because every day I just feel like taking them down!
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I have certainly struggled with so many areas of my confidence for so long and it was actually pole dancing that FINALLY helped break me out of that cycle. But even now I still have a hard time accepting compliments. I used to be the kind of girl who would point out my own flaws first, just so someone couldn't ctach me off gaurd and hurt my feelings. So now when someone gives me a compliment I sometimes respond with :really because I thougth (lists 5 diffrent negative things) and then I change the subject.
Heres an example: My mom was watching a pole vid of me (she is super supportive) and was like Wow, thats so beautiful, your amazing! And I responded with really? I hate the way my stomach looked when I was inverting and you can totally tell my roots are growing in bad when I hang upside down (followed by a nervous laugh) and then a switch of conversation.
Now that was a while ago, I have thankfully overcome that in the past year, as I have gotten more and more confident. Sometimes saying things outloud helps and although it can make you appear cocky, if your saying it to the right person it will only help you believe in what your saying. If you find the things that you like the most about yourself and stop hyperfocusing on the few minor imperfections, you'll view yourself as a beautiful, strong, talented and creative woman. Truth is, if you don't believe it, your cheating yourself out of really getting to know the real you!
I can tell you that I can feel frumpy and tired, bloated, have a big red zit on my chin and no make up on but put on some good music and let me get on the pole and in front of my mirrors and I shock myself, I even end up posing for my camera and take picts of myself for no other reason then I feel damn sexy and can't believe its me looking that good. It really is like "take a picture it will last longer" lmao… b/c at that moment I am in my zone and i'm positioning my body in just the right way, in just the right lighting and feel so good about myself. I can't explain it except to say that while dancing I feel like the prima ballerina, the center of attention (even tho no one is around) I feel beautiful and that feeling has finally yet slowly leaked into even when I am not on the pole. But the key is stop thinking anything negative! We all have those certain body issues, but the truth is we some how end up distorting our image in our mind of what we really look like.
One other quick thing, I found something out about myself about a year ago (after I lost about 40 pounds) I used to try to look good when I would go to the store or whatever just in hopes of someone complimenting me, because it would somehow superficially help me believe I looked good. Than something snapped and I realised I dont care if some guy hoots and hollas at me, I dont NEED that kind of attention and nor do I want that, I know I am a good woman, a great mother, look darn good, especially for having three kids (okay Im still working on this one lmao) and any man who thinks he can turn me on by whislting while saying "dayyyum" is not only degrading but not anything that should serve as a measuring mark of my hottness.
Us girls need to unite on the fact that we are not better than eachother (thats just conceided and cocky) but instead lift eachother up and stop the jealously and idol envy of the "pretty girls" because we ALL are the pretty girls. We are each so diffrent in so many ways that there doesnt need to be anyone trying to be like someone else, we need to love our unique flaws, admire our stregth, amaze ourselves at our own abilities and talents and love who we are, caring enough about ourself to stop verbally abusing ourselves!
I noticed when I make time for myself by making sure my eyebrowns are tweezed, nail polish on point, toes looking cute, a lil make up, some body spray, my fav jeans and a cute shirt I literally FEEL 100x's better about myself, as if to say ok whew, I can look good if i wanted to lmao. Its so important to make time for ourselves ladies!!
Okay sorry, I know I didn't exactly answer your questions but i certainly had a lil speech to share, hope you take it to heart sweetie and everyone else who, like me, has struggled or still struggles with these issues, know that confiendense and humilty can go hand in hand and only make you carry yourself with more poise and dignity, as long as you know your worth and never forget it https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_mrgreen.gif So love your sexy self as in Veena's video, which by the way, i LOVE https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_heart1.gif
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Hey everyone!
Sorry it took me so long to reply! The computer needed a reformatting, took all night!
I really appreciate everyone's replies. And, yes, I have seen What Not To Wear! I haven't had television for about 5 years now, but when at my mom's place, or before I moved out, it was one of my favourite shows! Unfortunately, I find that most of my shopping is done more "for the now" than planning ahead, buying good (see: Expensive) stuff, because often the only reason I can justify buying clothes is when I'm completely running out…or, in the case of bras, when I'm in constant pain!
I find it really interesting that so many of you have hit the nail so firmly on the head: I tend to connect my self worth by what others think of me, and (to make it a little convoluted) what *I* think others think of me. Curiously, it doesn't seem to matter how many complements I get from others, I still brush it off…I think they're "just being nice," or that they don't really mean it, whereas with negative comments, it hits me really hard, and I don't ever brush that off.
So, I appreciate everyone's comments, as they throw into stark contrast how skewed my view is! It should be more about what I think of myself, and less about other people. It's much like my theory on how people like to dump their…uh, problems, on others, and how you don't have to take it. You don't necessarily need to put your self-esteem, good or bad, on others…just so long as you are happy with it.
So, I have to say, thank you. A very big lesson has been had here, and I really thank everyone for their contribution. I will endeavour to remove my self-esteem from everyone else's opinions, and make it more of my own.
And I'll start posting more videos, because they're fun.
And I'm going to be very careful about my clothes…because I really want to be happy with those, too.
And take more time to make myself happy with the way I look, rather than just forgetting it.
It might sound like a lot, but I think I can do it! https://www.studioveena.com/img/smilies/icon_flower.gif
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I LOVE THIS TOPIC!
I touched on it briefly in an article on my blog (How to accept a compliment: a lesson in manners http://heartofpole.net/life-and-pole/tips/how-to-accept-a-compliment.html ), when I said "Too often people feel embarrassed, nervous or guilty when they receive a compliment. Many try to brush it off as nothing, or deflect the praise to someone else."
This is an issue I would really like to explore further, especially within the context of pole dancing.
If any of you girls are interested in being part of my research for a future article (the research will just be informal, over email, and you can remain anonymous if you like), please email me ( fern at heartofpole.net ) or send me a private message on this site! xx
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OMG, I just saw an old Mary Tyler Moore episode yesterday on this exact subject called "Rhoda the Beautiful"! Rhoda loses twenty pounds, but still makes fun of herself, so Mary tries to show her that she's amazing. I won't give away the ending, but it's perfect! Check it out if you can!
Talk about synchronicity!
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