[Serzi]

Thank you all for your input. All of this has given me much to consider and I appreciate it. I am being reactive with this at the moment and it’s mainly because I don’t know what else to do. I have literally no one that can help me monetarily, I would try counseling if I could afford it, and I just feel trapped in my life. To become a stripper is probably a sugar-coated fantasy of mine. To face my fears, to control or regulate it, to say WHEN and WHO. I must say, I absolutely hate the slavery of money and needing it. I have never been one of social grace, try as I might, and it effects every aspect of my life. I can’t fake my way through anything and that would certainly put a dent in the divine dream of becoming a dancer for a living. It’s all about projecting that fantasy.

I liked Phoenix’s idea, though. Play a scary, sexy, intimidating bitch. lol If that were what appealed to a club and I were allowed to behave as such I can guarantee I’d be the most evil dominatrix-type stripper on the planet. Pieces of that come out at jobs I’ve worked, it takes a lot to get me that way in “the real world” (grabbing my ass and propositioning me like I’m a prostitute, for example) and it’s never a good outcome. I guess I figure maybe that would serve me well in a club environment if it were supposed to be my professional persona. Men sure seem to find pleasure in trying to degrade me wherever I go and almost seem to enjoy being disciplined or told off in retaliation. I, however, would find it immensely more satisfying to say whatever the Hell I want to some handsy fuckboy and then have a bouncer throw him out of my workplace for a change. Some petty sense of justice for all the bs I’ve suffered for merely existing and trying to support my family in “the straight world” for so long. Idk, is that pathetic? lol I would love for my weakness to become my strength and an asset.

Once again, babbling in circles. I know my husband would never want me to become a stripper although, really, he could not stop me if I did. (cue the “Well, what does your husband do for a living? Shouldn’t he be taking care of you instead of you taking care of him because you’re a woman and therefore incapable of supporting a household on your own?” bs) I’m so overwhelmed by my ridiculous life, I know it could be worse, blahblahblah, but that does nothing to improve anything. I have a three year old daughter and a sick husband, I have been taking care of other people my entire life and I am so close to reaching my breaking point. I initially did everything in the right order (went to school, married someone I love and trust, bought a home, had one child about seven years after marriage and supposedly financial secure enough) and I still ended up in this circumstance.

It’s not all based on attitude, either, I wasn’t always a vicious bitch. I used to believe in myself and other people and that is what has always repeatedly fucked me over. It seems the meaner and nastier I am to others the better they treat me in the long run. Problem is that I don’t like being that person to anybody who doesn’t deserve it. Strip club patrons I believe would greatly appreciate having the attention of woman who treats them like a king when they’re good and like the lowest dungeon shackled scumbag on Earth when they’re bad. It’s honesty and it’s role-playing at the same time. I guess I’m just afraid I’m too old or not fit enough to turn a profit. I’m really not that bad physically…sure doesn’t prevent guys from wanting to touch me all the fucking time, that’s for sure.

[Serzi]

Oh yeah, and anyone who has any useful information or can relate in some way your opinion is much appreciated. I am literally at my wits end, and I apologize if I come off as abrasive. I’m just so sick of being knocked around and down by everybody I come into contact with.

[Serzi]

Idk, I don’t really expect much from other people. I just try to coexist or relate with them and it doesn’t often work out well.

[Serzi]

That was my attempt to keep this convo open-ended and relevant to pole without discussing it in depth. I tend to do that and have been trying a new approach. Blah, and I still ended up over-analyzing while being vague at the same time.

*shrug*

Still, really good advice on here. Thanks all, sorry for the confusion. Much appreciated. ♥

[Serzi]

This inability to communicate effectively is a huge part of my issue with other people. Don’t apologize for misunderstanding as it’s obviously because I didn’t include enough of an explanation in the post. Just wondered how it kept going back to that, maybe it’s a good thing I’ve never physically attended any pole classes? lol

[Serzi]

Where did people get the idea I was talking about a pole studio?

This is not about a pole studio.

[Serzi]

Once again, this has nothing to do with a pole studio. I’ve never been a student anywhere but on this site and it’s most certainly not part of the problem.

[Serzi]

And I have no desire to make anyone like me. For the most part, I’d rather not have to interact with people much at all because I have such a difficult time with it. It’s an unfortunate condition of life, though, you have to step out of your comfort zone and give people a chance sometimes. Just sucks that I’ve had so many bad experiences. lol

[Serzi]

I appreciate everyone’s advice on this. Thank you. 🙂

It becomes very frustrating, I think my gut instinct or ability to pick up on those subtle cues is non-existent.

[Serzi]

*6″ x 18″

I don’t know why I posted 6″ x 10″, but that was not what I wanted to type.

[Serzi]

SV is my only pole studio and, although I have been gone a very long time, I am pleased to say that I’ve never met anyone on here who has given me an indication that they were a sideline hater. This is, however, an online community so that aspect is taken a bit more lightly perception-wise than people I’ve actually met and see on a regular basis. I love how I can come on this site, though, and start a discussion like this knowing others can relate.

What triggered this discussion for me has a lot to do with what’s going on in my life right now. I try to keep it more of an open-ended discussion because the details of my current situation are not especially unique as they are confusing. Lots of people encounter others who mean-spirited with sugar coated shit for smiles. I understand that part of it, where I get lost is how I fail so often to SEE that before it wastes my time or interferes with me personally. How for years someone can be right there with you, not your absolute best friend but somebody that earns your trust enough to know a little better than an average acquaintance, only to find out they fooled you. That they are not at all what they projected themselves to be and have actively attempted to limit/hurt you whenever possible. I do not hold onto people like that, I let them go and don’t bother with sentimental fall-out for the most part.

It’s only myself I wish to change so that I don’t have to deal with this every couple of years or so. Perspective, I have a lot of it but it’s seldom spot-on regarding the intentions of those around me. I’m doubting such a thing can be taught, but I’m getting older and sincerely tired of unpleasant people. I don’t want to completely shut the entire world out and become a cat-lady, but sometimes it sounds pretty relaxing. lol

“The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.” -Mark Twain

[Serzi]

All great points here, I like where this discussion is going. 🙂

[Serzi]

I’ve only just got on this foam roller train and I wish I had done it sooner. I have yet to really see the results but just DOING IT feels so great for me! I have back problems and this thing has done wonders to help me sleep and move more comfortably throughout the day, especially after poling. I put it off for a long time because, really, I was like “That’s pretty expensive for something that looks like a $1 pool noodle” and I really hate that foam texture against my skin. So, I purchase one that doesn’t feel or look like that. It cost me about $30, the brand is Gold’s Gym, and it’s a 6″ x 10″ massage foam roller. Surprised to find out I love this damn thing when I’ve heard people talk so much about how tough it is at first. If I had this from the get-go, even before pole, my back-muscles and such would have been a lot less tender or sore.

[Serzi]

I suppose it wouldn’t bother me much if I could pinpoint them on sight. Unfortunately, my perceptions of people and why they do things isn’t always as clear as I need it to be. Sometimes I keep a bad apple or two around because I can’t tell they’re rotten on the inside. I also don’t pick or bite into them, I keep them on the tree until they fall off.

Okay, there go the metaphors again. People aren’t apples, but it sure would make it simpler if the rotten ones were. Bad people can go undetected for years and it never makes sense when attempt to hurt or limit you. I’m not even sure that they understand it themselves, but I sure wish I did at least. It would save me the wasted time and energy that I could have spent with somebody genuine.

[Serzi]

Exactly my point. Pole has always had a place for Olympic athletes. I figure enough time of us having competitions with our own wide variety of categories, performing and competing in larger outside events that welcome us, and our growth as a community will one day earn us a spot in the Olympics on our own terms. Yeah, okay, whatever if you don’t want to wear heels but don’t adhere to that bs as a requirement either way. Don’t let anyone force you to wear heels or to not wear heels because there’s NOTHING WRONG WITH EITHER WAY. To adhere is to admit fault in it and that is something I genuinely believe will divide and conquer this industry if we let it.