Will I ever be me again?

Serzi
Oct 28, 2016
This may seem a bit self-serving, or ridiculous, or possibly dramatically redundant coming from me but I am beginning to feel as though I will never dance again. I was so looking forward to using my lessons on here, my new pole room, and the kinda-sorta stability I established in my life to once again be as I was before my journey went on hiatus.

I cannot express my devastation that all of this is not to be, but it goes so far beyond pole. I have all but lost a sense of my own identity along with just about everyone I was close with except for my husband and daughter. I keep telling myself that although I feel this way right now things may change or improve and it's possible that this isn't all it seems. It is just so upsetting. So much preparation just to have to tear it all down and start over before I even got off the ground.

I miss so much about my life way back when I started pole. I miss being younger. I miss having fun. I miss the friends I had. I miss the way I felt. I've tried so hard to incorporate this into my current life and it won't seem to fit. Shit keeps happening and I am so tired of trying to hold onto it all.

Sorry to bum anybody out, just my blog. No one to turn to otherwise. I am exhausted.
HellcatSerzi, I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I know exactly how you feel. What you have described pretty much sums up the last 5-6 years of my life. If you ever need to talk or need an extra boost, please feel free to PM me. I know it doesn't seem like things will ever change but they can and will once you make a conscious decision that you will be the instrument of change.

It all may seem impossibly overwhelming but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes its about celebrating even the smallest things in life, pole or otherwise that help you get where you want to be or at the very least, getting the ball rolling. My heart is just breaking for you right now. I really can't express just how much I resonate with what you have said here. I feel like this a lot the time but find that the more I push myself even when I feel like I can't pick myself off the couch, the better I feel afterwards. Even 5 mins. can be an accomplishment some days. Whether is poling or just taking a few minutes to practice mindfulness. Try to rekindle the spark in the things that bring you joy.

Having been off the pole for as long as I had been was a really difficult process for me mentally more so than physically. The physical happened so much more quickly than I thought it would. Still working on it, but after 6 months or so I was nearly 50 lbs lighter and right back to where I left off. Pole saved me once, and it saved me again this go 'round. I don't know everything that is going on but I know from experience that it can turn around. Don't give up hope. Sending a big hug! Hang in there!
Oct 28, 2016
SerziMy issue with pole has been one of space and time. For so long I've been moving mountains just to have the space to practice and, finally, I was supposed to have a room specifically for my pole again. Now we need that space for other purposes, I'm encountering a physical limitation which prevents me from poling again anyway, and I'm at my wit's end with this.

All I get to do is work, eat, go to bed and once in awhile spend quality time with the people I love. And then, as if just to spite me, there's the brief inbetween time I can't use for anything other than a quick message or reading that I'd rather be using to dance. It's gotten so bad that I sometimes spontaneously start twerking and doing backbends and such at work when we play music after close. This is risky because I'm supposedly in a professional environment, but I want so badly to feel alive again. I never get to go anywhere or do anything anymore.

I know I sound like a spoiled child, but tbh I take care of a lot of people and I don't think it's selfish of me to have this one thing that is MINE. I am sick of living for everyone else and never for myself, but there's not too much I can do about that at the moment. I'm tired of being patient, it's been years since I've felt truly myself.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and offer your own thoughts. It does help to have someone to talk to about this and not be judged or misunderstood. Another reason pole has been one of the greatest parts of my life, it has given me strength to speak and to be who I am.
Oct 28, 2016
Cinnamon GirlSerzi, Thank you for your post and for sharing your inner and outter struggles because what you put into words, perfectly expresses the challenges I have been facing as well. Space and time for my Free Spirit self expression pole dancing give me. I have been fighting for space and time for about 6 months now due to changes both planned and unplanned. I long to go back to the house I use to live in in a place I was happy to be, when in my life, I had more balance and harmony where pole dancing came naturally and effortless...
I understand. We must hold on to our dreams and what we are that makes us who we are...hold on tight and never let go of your dreams! With much love....Cinnamon
Oct 30, 2016
emmasculatorTwerking at work! HA that makes me smile :) What you're going through is so very unfortunate. I would say do whatever you can to make some you time. Things are so overwhelming when you can't even do the things you love or the things with which you identify. I'm sorry to hear that that is the case. And I'm sorry that you had to put aside your pole room for other purposes. Please take care of your needs, because no one is as in tune to what you need as you are. And at times, you simply have to just take care of yourself. That doesn't make you selfish, just self aware.
Oct 30, 2016
SerziThank you all for your kind words. It has been so many years since I could pole comfortably or even much at all. I do hope I will be able to again someday, but in the very least I need to make some more "me-time". <3
Nov 1, 2016
Shihyu Liu Previous Paid Member
I am on my third day and I just love your lessons, the pole hold strength practice is exactly what I needed and I can't believe that other studios don't instruct you with this kind of basic practice
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