Truckin' along

Nov 1, 2016
Well, I've basically been just moving along, letting life take me where it will, and trying to enjoy my time.
It's very strange, living without a job. You sort of feel like you have all the time in the world, and yet no time at all. With a job, at least you have a really good excuse for not getting things done! Without one... well, suddenly it throws into sharp relief how bad my mental health has become over the years, and how much energy it really takes to keep my fragile house of cards standing. Seeing that horrible Psychiatrist (in order to ask him to transfer me to a different one, because that is apparently the ONLY way it can be done) really set me off, PTSD-wise, and I was wrecked for a week. I didn't go out, I didn't run, I didn't want to do anything. I basically just shut down and tried to hide myself in a video game (I do love the game) for a while. I could see signs of my anxiety getting the better of me, particularly in how many times I restarted the game because I didn't do it all PERFECTLY. The worst was two restarts in one day. Bad!
However, I came out of that and have started to wake up again. My knees have been very angry, so I'm trying to get out and run some more. It's been a very, very wet season here, and with no indications (other than today!) that the dry will come, I finally bit the bullet and proposed bringing my step-dad's treadmill to my house. He doesn't use it, and it kinda sucks having to run in his place. Technically speaking, I HATE running on a treadmill, as it is incredibly boring, and it makes me dizzy after... but it's better than having my knees degrade again. I could barely get up the stairs, again!!
I also bought a yoga ball to replace my desk chair. The chair was so bad that after a week of sitting on it, I could barely sit down anymore! The ball is much better, though... tiring. A sort of subtle, slouchy, how-did-I-get-in-this-position sort of tired, where you just don't notice when your body is trying to get out of using it's muscles properly.
And I have been going to the pole studio. The only time that changes is when I'm horribly migrainy, or if I'm having a REALLY bad time with my anxiety. Otherwise, I'm there, and I'm working my ass off. I've come away with some pretty awesome bruises! I love being there, and considering I am there 4 days a week, my progress has been impressive. I'm totally blown away by how much strength I'm building!
I can now invert (the swing-leg variety) relatively consistently on my good side, and the bad side... well, it's coming along. I still struggle very much with my fear of being upside down- inverted crucifix is still terrifying, but I'm learning! We are also learning the chopper position, which I can half-do, but remains also terrifying. I know that I am physically capable of these positions, and that my grip is better than I think it is, but getting past the fear is a hurdle that, occasionally, seems so vast I wonder if I'll ever get there! But, I know how to deal with this stuff. I just stubborn my way through, honestly.
I'm going to be repeating "Level 3" (the class in which we learn and practice inversions, inverted crucifix, elbow stands, and chopper position) and also going into "Level 4" (leg hangs and the like- it looks quite advanced, but I know it's not meant to only be taken once). It'll be a rough month for my body! Less rest time, but I'm hoping that moving a little past my "normal" comfort zone will be the push I need to get comfortable with what I'm dealing with!
It's funny, too, because I can do a CKR without struggle, as well as things like wrist sit, plank... but as soon as you turn me upside down when facing the floor, it's a totally different thing! I think part of it is that I don't trust my body yet. I'll get there! I'm closer than I have ever been!
I also did a photoshoot last Saturday, and will hopefully get the pictures from those in the new year! I didn't do many, but I had fun! So, some pole photos to come ;)
I also enjoy recording myself for exotic dance... but I don't often show it to people. I don't actually watch it much, either! It's more for reference, a record that I've done it. Perhaps at some point I'll figure out how to make it look nice enough that I'll post it!
I want to practice at home, too. I'm thinking Sundays. But, with my schedule the way it is, that's all I can really do. That's okay! I'm dancing more than I ever thought I would!

Otherwise, I guess... I'm just getting through. Disability still appears to be a while away, because I'm getting jerked around between my Dr and Psychiatrists saying different things and not giving me appropriate information. I'm getting frustrated, and am going to talk to my Dr about it at the end of this week. My Medical EI (Employment insurance) is running out in a couple weeks, but because I am eternally frugal (I currently live on $300 a month) I've saved a bit from my payments, and will hopefully last a while longer without it. I'm still frustrated. 3 months is a long time to wait to know what your life will look like... for the rest of your life! But, no matter how long it takes, I'm going to keep fighting for it. For me, I'm fighting for my life. I may not be wrestling a bear, but... work looks and feels like a death sentence, so I'm fighting to not have to do that again. It's a very slow, intellectual fight.

I'm off to do yoga! I feel eternally crunchy now, haha ;) Yoga, water, and video games.

By the way, if anyone is curious... I'm addicted to the game Stardew Valley right now. Highly recommended. It's a Harvest Moon clone (so, all about farming and making friends), but it's AWESOME.
Loving the 30 day takeoff.. just what I needed to get out of a rut! I find the daily routines perfect in length and intensity and a great way to shakeup a stagnant workout routine. Plus, now I am limber and warmed up to do some practicing
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