Things about Mental illness

Jul 19, 2016
I sort of don't have anywhere else to write this so... I'm writing it here.

The dangerous thing about a mental illness, more than anything else, is that sometimes you don't know where "you" end and "it" begins.
Today, I am what my friend calls "Dysphoric." It means a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. That's pretty much exactly it. The sun was out this morning, and I kind of hated it. Now, it's cloudy... and I'm apparently not happy with that, too. I feel no pleasure about my food, about the flowers outside, or about having a bit of alone-time (which I normally would cherish). I've been up for 4 hours and have gotten nothing done, both out of spite toward the day and it's hateful insistence that I get things done so that I can go to work or have underwear tomorrow, and also out of this horrible feeling that all I really want to do is crawl into bed and cry... which I also have not done. I'm stuck with this stupid feeling and I hate it, too. I'm dysphoric about being dysphoric.

The reason I say the dangerous thing about having a mental illness is not knowing where "you" are and where "it" is lies here in this challenge.

Am I tired with having these challenging days, and having to keep trying for so long?
Or, is this a bout of depression that I struggle with?
Who do I blame for my lack of motivation, my unhappiness, my feeling that I just want to skip the day and maybe try again tomorrow? Is it me, or is it my mental illness?

It gets even more complicated when you think about WHY I might be tired with having to pander to a thousand people at work about their stupid coffee and their rudeness, and having to keep doing things like explaining to a thousand health "professionals" about the struggles I deal with, and having to go and get myself motivated to run even though I just hate everything.

Am I tired because I have been doing it for MY WHOLE LIFE and maybe I just want some goddamn peace one of these days? Because my doctor offers me medical leave from work, but I'd take a 40% pay cut that I absolutely cannot afford, so I can't take the leave that I so desperately, obviously want and NEED right now? Am I tired because of the constant emotional turmoil that lives in my head and hasn't let up for the last six months, and all the doctor can do is ask me if I want some drugs... That I both cannot afford to purchase, and am wary of because of the multitudes of adverse effects, both generally and personally?
OR am I tired because I'm dealing with a mental illness this whole damn time and it's just making me tired of stuff?
Are they different?

Am I myself because of my mental illness, or in spite of it? Is there a place where I might be separate from it, or am I so wholly combined with it that I will not ever experience life as myself without it?

So, I guess I'm having a shitty day today. I'm gonna try to make it better, but... it's hard to feel any hope about it.
Runemist34For anyone curious: I called my mum after writing this, and talked to her for an hour and a half. I do feel better. But, now I feel tired because crying.
Might go for a walk later though
Jul 19, 2016
VeenaI can completely understand everything you've mentioned. I have no grand words that can help but here's what I do. I let myself feel down and then at some point pick myself up and move on. It's tiring and does feel like a fight but it has gotten better over the years for me as I've found yoga, meditation and following my passions is helpful. If I feel like I'm not able to do what I'm naturally drawn too life is rough. I know you're passionate about writing, have you been working on that much?
Jul 19, 2016
descalzada Paid MemberPerhaps find a group for mental illness support?
Jul 19, 2016
Runemist34Veena: Sadly, my writing has fallen by the wayside for a bit. I'm stuck at "I know I should do this, but..." I am working on getting myself back to it. Hard to feel inspired when I'm so depressed! But I know it would help. It's on my mind.
Descalzada: The only mental health group here is extremely limited, and not well-led. I tried it for a while, but found little support. There really isn't much here where I live, or even in places nearby. Most counselling services are hugely expensive, or also very limited... and also mostly for youth, couples, or addicts.
I pull from the resources I have when I need them, but... when your journey is every day, all day, and you cannot get away from the one or two things you MUST get away from for your health, well... this is the life I have right now.
Jul 19, 2016
Neesy118 Paid MemberI don't have words, or the right words to offer for something I don't understand or have the knowledge of. But, what I do feel when reading your words is, I just wanna hug you. I hope and pray for peace and happiness for you, xoxo
Jul 20, 2016
Runemist34Thanks Neesy118! It does still mean a lot to me
Jul 20, 2016
Thank you Veena for giving me opportunity to realise my dream - pole dancing!
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