The Good and the Bad

Jul 21, 2016
I wanted to check in, because things... are not easy right now, but I'm still kickin'.

I've re-done my budget, and if I completely give up spending money for myself (which, frankly, isn't that different for me) and shuffle a couple of things around, my household can survive on 60% of my paycheque. I'll be going to the doctor today, again, to tell him to pull the trigger on Medical EI. I'll be taking a leave of absence from work, with hopes never to return to that job ever again.
Medical EI can last for 15 weeks, or about 3.5 months. With everything that I've got in the works, from disability to trying to find "Tailored employment" (which is a job that is specifically tailored to my strengths and challenges, so that I can actually... y'know, keep it), I'm hopeful that something else can come up in that amount of time.
Further from that, I hope that I will have the willpower to write, to take care of myself well, and to dance and enjoy myself. I'm pretty good at keeping my own schedule, and I'm happy to do that all the time. Without work, my life feels so much more free and open.
And, I can finally dive into my psyche again and try to unravel more of the tangles that live in my mind and bring me to these places.

It's hard not to feel like a failure at life when all you really want to do is have a normal one. I know that working is important because it makes money- I know that money is required to have things, like a home, and vacations, and learning. These are the necessary parts of life. Which means, work is necessary.
But I haven't succeeded at work. In over 10 years, I continue to struggle with it. I keep fighting and banging my head against the wall and... well, being on disability sounds wonderful, but also sounds like a failure. Having tailored employment sounds a lot like getting one of those "consolation prize" high school diplomas like they thought I would get when I was in grade 11 the first time. Sort of like, thanks for trying, we're not really going to give you the full diploma, but here's one for you anyways.

For someone like me, who is ambitious, driven, passionate... this whole mental illness thing feels like torture. I keep thinking that, if I didn't have it, I'd rule the world by now. I'd be stronger and more healthy, I wouldn't be bullied and marginalized all the time because I'd stand up for myself. I would have a great job AND be writing. In short, I would succeed.
But, instead of that I sometimes feel like my heart is so heavy I can't get out of bed. The past few days I've actually felt so disconnected from the rest of the world I can't even feel the connection to my boyfriend, or possibly even my mom (they are the two people I trust the most in this world, and feel the most connected to). I struggle with a lack of willpower because all of it is going into holding up this massive load that is my mental illness. Sometimes, the best I can do is get through the day alive...
And when you're brain still says "Well, I SHOULD have gone for a run today," or "Well, I WANTED to play the harp today but all I actually did was lay on the couch and watch Buzzfeed videos" it really does feel like a giant failure. It hurts and it sucks and I can't help but hate it.

I'm probably the worst I've ever been now. Fighting with this is the worst struggle of my life. It hurts probably just as much as my separation/divorce did. It's different, of course, but... sort of similar. I would not wish this battle on anyone, ever. I don't care what they did, or who they are.

There's that part of me that plays counterpoint. I've learned to rely on it. It's the part of me that answered one of the worst questions I ever asked: Why do I keep trying to get better, if all I do is end up here again?
So it said: But you always end up happy again, too.
It's some part of me that I never know how to explain to people but it keeps me alive, sometimes quite literally (like now) and keeps me getting up every day, no matter how slowly. It's the part of me that can see the strength and the goodness.
So, I am going through the worst emotional rollercoaster of my life right now... But I'm still trying. Still getting up in the morning, and still eating food. I'm still trying to connect to my boyfriend, and having a social life.
And I can look at that sometimes and realize that I'm doing well under the pressure of this huge thing. I'm keeping it up. I haven't been crushed yet.

So, that's sort of where I'm at now.

Trying to look at the good things in the future. Shambhala is going to be fantastic, whether or not my depression comes with me like so much baggage. I'm still going to enjoy the hell out of being completely unplugged and relaxed. Hopefully I can get some peace there. Haha, "peace" while listening to giant booming stages full of electronic music!
And I'm looking forward to coming back and shifting focus to pole dancing, no matter how hard that may be. I'm going to do my best to get even a little bit in.
And, I guess now I'm looking forward to being off work, and maybe... finding an arrangement that works better for me.
Maria JoaoThings WILL get better, you'll see! Keep on dancing, and doing the things you like the most, and you'll get better mood, and thus, better you! I love to read your blog, BTW.
Jul 22, 2016
VeenaI don't believe we were put on this earth to work, we're here to live and experience. I think you're on the right path by focusing on what you are passionate about. We all have strengths, big hugs 💜
Jul 22, 2016
I bought Veenas lessons and fell in love with pole dance. She is an amazing teacher.
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