Rough, but I keep going

Runemist34
Dec 16, 2016
It's been rough.

A couple weeks ago, one of our ferrets passed away. We've had them for four years, they were both 6 years old- should have had another 2ish years to go. But, he was quite ill, we couldn't do anything to help him. We knew, and we had time to get used to the idea. But, his passing was still difficult.
And then, this past weekend, our other ferret passed quite unexpectedly. She lost a whole lot of weight, we took her to the vet, but they couldn't find anything with the tests they ran at the time. They wanted to do more, but she didn't make it. She couldn't hold on long enough. We even got to the point of force-feeding her, but by the end, she couldn't take any more food.
Her passing hit us a lot harder, I think, because it was so sudden.
We had gotten another, very young female ferret after our male passed, hoping to help with the grief we knew his "mate" would be feeling (they weren't actually mates, as they were both fixed).
It's been nice having a young, energetic, and playful ferret around, but the grief of losing the other two has really hit hard on both me and my boyfriend. I'm still stuck with it, so I've not really been doing much for the last couple of days. Anything that distracts me is useful, but I don't have the energy to do much that is "useful."
It's hard not to beat myself up for that... but, I am trying to accept and let it happen.

I'm still going to the pole studio. Right now, we're working on leg hangs and superman. I struggle a lot. I know there are quite a few others here on SV that feel like they are "slow learners," and even my friend (the studio owner, and my usual instructor) says that she takes a long time. But, sometimes it doesn't help. It sucks seeing everyone deadlifting their inverts and choppers, and it sucks seeing everyone nailing these new moves the first time. Especially since I'm at the studio literally 4 days a week, two of those days are conditioning. I would expect to be stronger and tougher than the people who only come for the one class... but, not so much.

I try desperately hard not to compare myself to everyone else, but that's really hard, too. When I'm in my little top and shorts, the only thing I ever see is this huge belly and jiggly thighs. I always think "People must think this is why I'm not good at pole dancing." I am well aware that they aren't thinking that at all, but... it's sort of a reflection of what I'm thinking of myself. Do I suck so much because I'm so fat, compared to them? Because I'm so much taller and larger? Do I just suck all the time and nothing will change? I actually think I look alright if I'm alone in my bathroom... but, that's not exactly helpful when I'm at the studio, is it?

Anyways, I guess I just feel shitty. I work hard not to. I can't keep it up forever, all the time.

Also, my fitness theory class is extremely frustrating, and I'm having a hard time justifying the money spent. The course material is obviously from the early 90's, and hasn't been updated in any way. It's deeply confusing and difficult to know what is being looked for. They tell me that they take their quiz questions directly from the provincial exam... which is also terrible. They are very confusingly worded. It makes the writer/editor in me cringe.
But I'm trying to power through anyways. I'm trying to get the answers they're looking for... despite having no instruction, no direction, and no proper feedback when I get a quiz back from them (they just tell me I got it wrong and what the correct answer is, not how to find the correct information in the book or anything).

So, yeah, it's rough. I'm still doing what I can. I am still going to the studio, and still working on Christmas gifts. I'm still trying hard to talk to people and keep up with my various little responsibilities.
Also, I just paid off my computer, finally! It's been four years. The poor thing has a broken hinge on the screen, and has come down with terrible insomnia (it won't sleep, even if I close it), and the "o" key is pretty hard to use (not sure why? It just screwed up one day), but it still works! Perhaps a new computer for the future.
donnalee
I just recently signed up for the your lessons and love them. I already own several DVD sets such as Felix & Jamilla. Those are wonderful as well, but I must state that I love your longer explanations and demonstrations plus the written info that appears.
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