I'm back and also Stuff

Runemist34
Aug 10, 2016
Yes, I really am that bad with titles ;P

So, I'm back from Shambhala! We had a great time exploring, listening to music, and connecting to people. I got sick while I was there (surprise, surprise) so I'm still recovering. Been home for two days, already itching to get working on my pole!! But I'm so tired and annoyed with being sick, I have to wait. That's okay, I'll be back at it by next week for sure!
I also enrolled in a pair of classes Sunday evening, taught by my favourite burlesque dancer, Lola Frost. Mostly I'll just be fangirling the whole time, but she's teaching chair dancing and floorwork. Both of those things I can definitely get into! I'm hoping it'll start me off strong, though I know already that no matter how I start, it's the continuing that counts!

So, the capital S "Stuff" that happened is... interesting. I've been dealing with a paradigm shift for about 7 months now. I keep trying to figure out what it is, and not really getting it. It's like... knowing that there's a huge wave behind you, you brace for it, and wait... Or I guess more like a bungee jump that you aren't really sure of how to make it all happen. How do you tie the bungee? How do you make yourself jump? Is this bridge tall enough?
So, after floundering around for so long, and now being on leave from work and coming back from a fun and lovely "vacation" (I usually associate vacations with relaxing, but this was more... fun times and getting tired!), I figured it out. It's always something that is right in front of your face, something that seems so obvious and simple, and yet when you actually, finally look at it for real, it's super complex and terrifying.

I've been a writer for more than half my life, but I never actually committed myself. The ambition-arrow has always been swinging around, wildly, from job to job and contingency to other contingency. The only thing I ever actually put it to and succeeded at was school, and frankly... that is part of my problem.
The paradigm shift I MUST have is that I have to actually commit myself to writing. I have to jump off that cliff and hope that I can fly. When you've got a lot of issues around trust, especially trusting yourself and your success, that can get really difficult! I've believed, for a long time, that I am fundamentally a failure. My belief has also created the conditions of failure, thus proving me "right," and continuing this thought process. My writing, my passions, are always things that I've "put on the side," things that I do "in my spare time," and I've always put all my ambition towards work. And, thus far, I have failed at work. I have failed nearly 30 times, and probably will continue to do so if I keep pushing myself like this.

It's something that is complex and scary for me, but so obvious. It's the biggest, scariest goal I have ever had in my whole life, but it's also... my whole life!! Something that I need to do, for real, or else I'll never be satisfied.

So, I'm trying to get on Disability so that I don't have to work. And, I'm still on medical leave, thank goodness for that. My thoughts are getting better, I'm getting stronger, and my energy and ambition is back. I'm a lot less depressed now.

I can't wait to get on my pole and rock it ;)
tinnietim
Love the instruction Veena! Your instruction helped me to safely perform this move against my pole, after I practiced against my mattress.
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