Good for a little while

Sep 4, 2016
So, good news everyone!
I called the people at EI for my sickness benefits (I'm not sure if non-Canadians have this- it's a thing you pay into similar to taxes and when you lose your job or can't work, you can ask for some of your money back), and they have officially approved me to get them! I'll be getting as much as I was getting while I was working (that is, $600 a month), which means I can squirrel away some of it, and I can sustain myself off of work for a while! It makes me so happy to know that I'll be okay for a while, as I figure out what all of this is going to turn into.
Life... is strange, too.
I didn't really have any plans today. No goals, nothing specific to do. I normally come up with a few things I want to do each day the night before, but today... just nothing happened? So, instead of doing normal stuff at home, my boyfriend and I decided to go to the mall. I wanted to get myself something cheap- a new purse, because mine is breaking, or something nice from Lush, or whatever. I wasn't going to be picky.
We wandered a bit, and eventually we ended up at the new bra shop. They sell in my size, and I just wanted to check out their sports bras. I knew they were too expensive, but I wanted to see.
We ended up getting me two bras- one sports bra, and one normal one, which looked lovely. I checked with my boyfriend. I feel so guilty spending so much money when I'm not actually making any, but... really, I do need them. My old sports bra was nearly cutting into my skin!
However, while there, we met an old friend. She really loves working at this place. She tried hard to sell me on working there. Obviously, it would be so much less stressful, more one-on-one service oriented, and a lot of cleaning and such. Which, in comparison to my old job, sounds great!
However, recently my anxiety got so bad, with NO triggers, that I literally couldn't do the dishes. They sat for three days, and I could barely look at them. So... maybe, at some point, if I feel strong enough on my disability to take up a bit of a part time job, I'll go for it. But, for now... I definitely need rest. I feel bad, I know I should be working.
It's constant in my head. I'm a failure. I'm not contributing to society. I'm failing other people. I should be trying again.
But the reality is that I SHOULD be trying to get used to managing my mental health again, and getting back to myself. I SHOULD be caring for myself, whatever that looks like. And, for now, what that looks like is managing my own very strange schedule, exercising and eating as well as I can, and just... being myself for a while.
I'm writing a bit more. I've been dancing, and I had my first run yesterday! Sudden calf-muscle-spasm notwithstanding, I don't even feel sore from my run. I'm hoping to do another on Monday.
It's a long weekend here, which means no sexy pole class on Monday. BUT, I've got a conditioning class on Tuesday, a proper pole class on Wednesday, and then my usual conditioning/open pole on Thursday! I'm so super excited for all of them! Although I'm also nervous about the pole class. Conditioning I can do, but actual pole tricks? They take me a while. I want to practice them at home, too. Probably Monday and Friday I'll pole at home, as that gives me the weekend off.

So... Obviously, things are both up, and down. This is how it goes with mental health.
But, I'm trying to focus on the good things. The less good things will pass. They always do!
Pretty Pixie
StudioVeena is an amazing place to learn, her instruction is the BEST, the progression of the lessons is essential to building the strength and confidence needed and with new lessons posted regularly, I'm never bored!
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