Ending the cycle

Nov 22, 2016
There have been some things happening... and some decisions made. But, they are good ones!
Let me start with last week. I went to see a new psychiatrist.
I had written her a 7ish page write-up about my past, growing up, and becoming the person I am today. It didn't end super well (considering I'm still a person who is alive and am still growing), but that's just the writer in me! I decided to write it because pretty much EVERYONE who hears and writes down my story thus-far gets some part of it wrong. So, I decided to do it myself!
The psych read all of it, and talked to me for a while. She was nice, personable, and didn't assume authority over me. She didn't assume ignorance on my part, but was also nice enough to answer questions and explain herself properly. I recognized a lot of the reasons for the questions: Checking if I have bipolar disorder, multiple personality disorder, things like that. I also recognized when she asked me all the questions about Borderline personality disorder.
Which, I apparently have. She explained her reasoning behind believing I have it. I've heard it thrown around with my case before, but no one bothered to explain it to me, they all just said it with this flippant, stupid attitude which THEY SHOULD KNOW would be a problem, considering they're diagnosing me with BPD. Like, seriously.
ANYWAYS, Borderline personality disorder explains why I have such intense emotions (seriously, all my emotions, all the time), and why I have some... Odd relationships. I have issues with authority, and with some of my past relationships I nearly destroyed myself doing what I thought was "best for them." It makes things difficult. I have a hard time looking back on those relationships with a sense of positivity, because in a lot of ways, I was taken advantage of.
With that, I was given the choice to take drugs to help with the Generalized Anxiety disorder I also have (which, when your emotions hit you like a Mac Truck every time, can be super hard to deal with... and also has an affect on the BPD as well). She didn't push them on me, she didn't try to make me take them. All of those things I appreciate, and for that I have a lot of respect for her. I'm glad I finally found a good Psych. She gave me all the information for the possible drugs, and I'm considering whether I want to take them. Some days, I think I do... and other days, Hell No.
After that, I recieved a call from Income Assistance, also known as Welfare. They're the people who deal with getting Disability around here. Unfortunately, you need to be on Welfare in order to apply for Disability, and because my Provincial Government is... the way it is, all the rules for this are incredibly antiquated. My boyfriend basically makes "too much money" for me to apply or qualify. Actually, if I got basically ANY assistance from ANYONE, I would not qualify. It's bullshit, because you need to live and have a support structure when you have mental illness. You need it as a human being. Without my support, I would possibly have died 5 months ago, or perhaps earlier.
So, as that all happened in the same day, I was overwhelmed and ended up just crying a bunch, and then I had a lengthy nap. I haven't been sleeping well for a couple weeks, so... it was probably good for me.
I woke up later, and thought about my options. My boyfriend suggested that perhaps I should go into the one thing I've been on the fence about for so super long: Fitness instruction.
I mean, pretty much the only thing that makes me feel relatively normal, and that keeps my brain in line, is being physically active. Many of the things I prioritize these days are physically active.

The next day, I decided to write about it. I realized that I have this drive to move forward. I'll fall down, fail, have a breakdown and cry for two hours... and then I pick back up and get going again. I've always been like that. I've learned how to do it within DAYS even. It's happened to me so much sometimes that I guess I just got used to needing to do it.
But I never really direct that drive anywhere. I end up going on the default path. Get a job (whatever job I can get), try to manage. I end up failing eventually. I've done it more than 25 times now! The only time it didn't happen was with University. I actually got my degree, and I'm proud of that, every day! But work... has never been easy for me.
So, if the default path is just hurting me (and at this point, appears to be a vision of hell), then I need to choose something different. If I can fail super hard doing something I hate, then why do it? Why not do something I like, or even love? Because, then if I fail, it won't be so bad, because I already know I can just pick back up and do it again. And, again. Forever. But, I'll be happy instead!
Thus, I've decided to get my certification, and become a fitness instructor. I'm going to teach Pole, yoga, and perhaps do personal training. Or running. Something!
And, I'm going to write like a crazy person. I'm going to write without fear of who I'll become and whether other people will like that... because it's the person I always wanted to be. If someone doesn't understand, if they aren't encouraging me toward my dream, then... well, maybe they shouldn't be so close to me!

Also, I have been doing a lot in pole class! Everything is so rough and uncomfortable, but I'm succeeding and it feels awesome! I want to start posting pictures and such.
It's super hard, though. I'm constantly critical of my body, and how my dancing looks. I'm not a small person, and though I say that all the time, it's sometimes hard to take.
Also, it sucks having big boobs because I can't find proper tops. UGH, when will the pole community figure out that we're not all flat-chested, and some of us never will be... no matter how much we exercise!

Anyways, I'm trying to get over that. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to remind myself that my own confidence will make or break my chosen path! It's hard, but... I'm still doing it.
AllysonKendalIt's good to hear an update from you. :)

Sounds like things are falling into place. I know, some days are still a struggle. But I think you sound like you're on a good path. Personally, when I have a goal in mind I seem to do much better. So I'm happy that you seem to found something you love and are working towards it. I hope that helps with things. When I feel aimless is when things start to spiral.

I don't know if you have any experience with meditation, journaling, and law of attraction stuff... but I always pick up these "healthy habits" from time to time, then fall off the wagon. But I'm getting back on! I know those always help when I'm feeling the rollercoaster of emotions. Also I've been trying to meditate "on" something for clarity. In the past I used meditation as a way to try and think of nothing... but It's been explained to be that you can quiet your thoughts and bring about answers to questions. Like do I really want to take medication?!? I don't know. I'm still not very good at it. But I'm just throwing ideas out there.

And as for pole.. awesome! I know I ask myself all the time if things will ever be smooth and comfortable... I'm convinced a lot of it will be uncomfortable for a long time. On of my friends pole jammed with a pretty well known male poler and she said he still jumps off the pole complaining about a new move being painful. So Yeahhh. BLAH. :)

Also I'm not sure if you follow Roz the Diva on any form of social media... but she really is a doll and an inspiration to women of all sizes. I took a class with her in August and I loved it so so so much. I'm generally a little intimidated by loud or outgoing people and I wasn't sure how I was going to feel about her class... and I LOVED it. Anyways she is a pole instructor and fitness coach and all of that too, so she might be a good person to check out.

Hope things continue on this upward trend for you!

Nov 23, 2016
Runemist34Hey, thanks Allyson! I sure hope things do fall into place. It seems like they are! There's even a Pole Instructor level 1 class happening nearby-ish at the end of January I'm hoping to take! Let's hope I get that funding :) haha
I do a lot of "healthy habits" like meditation, journaling, and... well, the Law of Attraction stuff is hard for me, because with an anxiety disorder, you literally cannot help but worry about things. Even the most stupid things you've ever heard of, things that are so far out of left field you're like "WTF BRAIN WHY" and it just won't stop! However, most of the time, I do my best to stay positive and keep going the way I know I should be. I have hope that the universe doesn't punish me just because I can't keep my unruly brain under control all the time ;)
I'm struggling right now (as in, the last day or two) with the way I look while I'm in class. Everyone else seems to act the same- self-conscious, because we're all half-naked and trying to do really hard stuff. However, I can be really harsh with myself! When I'm home alone, like in the morning before my shower, I can look at myself and think that I look good! But, when I'm in class? I end up thinking I'm a giant whale, all the huge belly and thigh jiggle and all that stuff. I KNOW that no one sees me that way, but everyone else seems so... thin and strong? Haha, I know they don't see themselves that way, either! It's just something I fight with. I'll get through it.
I also found some tops from Bad Kitty that I ordered that I think will work for my massive chest! I'm excited to try them! It was a little expensive, but because they were ordered through the studio, I can pay it off slowly!
I haven't actually followed Roz the Diva, but I have heard of her! I just looked her up, and she's awesome! I feel like she and I have similar body type right now ;) Thank you for the recommendation!
It's funny... I get so insecure that sometimes I ask people about what they think of my decisions (it's mainly because I don't feel like I "know myself"), and any negativity throws me into this terrible loop. But, this time, I'm trying really hard to listen to the positive things people say to me... and there's a lot! People have been telling me that they think it suits me, or that they were wondering why I hadn't done it yet. Everyone seems to think that my style and approach is good for what I want to do.
So, I'm trying to stay confident, even if I feel like I'm forcing it ;)
Nov 24, 2016
Emilywellsperritt Previous Paid MemberThank you so much for sharing this, Runemist34! I really appreciate your honesty and courage. I think it's great that you're going to pursue your fitness certification. And know that your body is just perfect the way it is right now! One of the things I love about pole is that we can be ourselves in all our glory, regardless of our body type. Just keep on being the wonderful you that you are, and keep sharing your journey!
Dec 1, 2016
tiggertail Previous Paid MemberI think many of us fight their own ''demons'' I'm happy that you found a psy you felt good with, it's important when you open up to others. I had my share of problems myself (you might remember from a few years ago) Since i've been away from pole because of a lack of space i notice that it's harder for me to control anxiety. I hope you'll keep moving in the right direction and i'm sure you'll make your way to a better and happy life. Let us know how things are doing :)
Dec 5, 2016
Sunshine Goddess
I love the website! Thank you for all the knowledge, time and energy you put in making poling more accessible and easy to learn!
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