"Just the way they are..."

 
Serzi
Let me just say "That's just the way they are..." is NO EXCUSE to be a total asshole to someone else.

You know the people I'm talking about. Those people w/ their noses stuck so fucking high in the air you would think they can't smell their own excrement, but yet they're always making a wincing expression. The people who pretend to not hear you when you say "hello" or if you ask them a question. The people who have enough friends that they can't even spare one shred of decency to a single human being outside their sacred circle.

This applies to pole just as much as society in general. Let me tell you, I cannot stand rude people. I cannot stand when someone is new to something, thinks they're doing alrighy, and then some elitist P.O.S. comes along just to scowl and make things harder than it needs to be.

EVEN WORSE are the toadies and chickens who stand by and say "That's just the way they are..."

Really? That excuse totally absolves them from their shitty behavior and makes them "okay" in your book? Well, sorry, NOT MINE. I don't even care if they've never been rude to me. Pick on the underdog in front of me and I will tear your ass off and hand it to you in a bag to take home.

That's just the way I AM. >:)

Thank you for allowing me to vent.
May 3, 2013
Linuxgirl
What happened? Who decided to talk crap about someone trying to do well?
May 3, 2013 from Detroit, Michigan, United States
Serzi
Oh, just something I'm tired of experiencing everyday of my life for as long as I can remember. It happens in pole just as much as any scenario involving groups of people and I am so sick of witnessing it.

Rude people. They SUCK. There is no excuse for it and I wish their useless wannabe's would stop defending them. Their behavior is not admirable or assertive, it's absolute shit.

While out in the really-real world today, I had the great pleasure of telling off some royal bitch. While I enjoyed it immensely, my adrenaline is still considerably high. Then it occurred to me that I've come across these types in the pole world as well and on numerous occasions (like today) I had people tell me the age-old bs excuse for their rudeness that's "Just the way they are..."

Sorry. EFF THAT. EFF that right in the cocoa factory. If people are gonna waste their breath and energy defending someone PLEASE do it while defending the right person. The one that ISN'T being a damn stuck-up C-U-Next Tuesday.

End Rant.

How was your day? lol xD
May 3, 2013
Serzi
"I have a very strong feeling that the opposite of love is not hate β€”it's apathy. It's not giving a damn." -Leo Buscaglia
May 3, 2013
calipolepixie
Yes I definitely know what you mean! I ran into this in my workplace constantly and there are a couple of bad apples like this in my huuby's family and it pisses me off to no end! Everyone makes excuses for them and everytime they do something terrible everyone just turns the other cheek and says it is what it is/thats just how they are there's nothing that can be done. It's like are you guys AFRAID of them is that what this is?!? It's so idiotic and VERY frustrating.
May 3, 2013 from Sylmar, California, United States
Serzi
Don't you love it too how that excuse works only in the favor of those who treat others like dirt? How if you call someone out, face-to-face, for their lousy behavior they have like half a dozen others who try to play peacemaker on their behalf.

Oh, but Gawd forbid these drones ever intervene if somebody is just being polite or minding their own business when their Queen Bee feels like giving her already over-inflated and undeserved ego a boost. Maybe that person is just polite and that's just the way THEY are, huh? Maybe we should all chime in and stick up for the person who isn't trying to sh
May 3, 2013
Serzi
-ove their bright red dominant baboon ass in everyone's face.

Mama taught me to have some damn manners and to help good people, NOT bad ones. That's just the way I AM.
May 3, 2013
Serzi
Sorry. It takes me a long time to recover after a confrontation like that. I get physically ill when I have that much adrenaline rush through me.
May 3, 2013
calipolepixie
Yes I do know all too well...my husband and I have spoken up several times and even confronted them face to face and yet everyone comes running to defend them and to say we are out of line REALLY?!? We are consistently seen as the bad guys in the family because we call them out every time, but his whole family insists on defending these bad apples who are doing real damage to the family with their behavior over and over. It's gotten to the point where we don't spend as much time around or with his family anymore because of these bad apples, it makes me sad because we used to be with my husbands family ALL THE TIME but now it's not worth all the bs that comes with it. Sorry I sorta vented there too. Didn't mean to highjack your thread. xxoo
May 4, 2013 from Sylmar, California, United States
ShonaLancs
Agreed!!
May 4, 2013 from United Kingdom
Linuxgirl
My day was great, but I didn't have to deal with the rest of humanity 😝

I completely relate to what you are saying, it seems like there are two standards, for good people and for jerks.

Example: A lady I worked with from NOLA, huge thief, totally selfish and complete biznatch went from an entry level position to running her own station. She's some kind of success story, but for those of us who knew her and how unethical she was its like a slap in the face. If this lady wasn't  a thief and a liar, I would of been super happy for her but, it disgusts  me to hear her name in a positive light because she should of been straight up fired and put in jail. In a club this chick would of been beaten and fired, not promoted.

My flight or flee is pretty intense too, I hate confrontation and I do everything I can to avoid it by being diplomatic and professional, and it always takes me a day or so to come off that kind of adrenalin rush.

 
May 4, 2013 from Detroit, Michigan, United States
Webmaster
"Just the way they are" is medicine for you not protection for them.  People, as a general rule, do not change.  By accepting that this is "Just the way they are" you can move on with your life and do something productive rather than concern yourself with one poisonous personality.

Look how much time, and mental space this person has taken from you.  Do you think that you had the same effect on them? So who is the loser?

As people we have to learn to cut our losses and move on.  Fighting unwinnable fights just hurts us.
May 4, 2013 from Las Vegas, Nevada, United States
Serzi
Hmm, yeah, but I prefer to call them out on it rather than sit back and tolerate like everyone else. That's bad medicine, btw. I honestly feel worse when I watch someone be degraded like that and DO NOTHING about it. I know I sure have appreciated it the very few times someone stood up for me.

It truly is the worst thing in the world to them to have someone actually tell them how awful and wrong they are. How nobody really likes being around them and are generally nicer/happier when they're not around. It angries up the blood but, damn it, someone's gotta knock 'em off their trip from time to time. If for no other benefit, that to REMIND people that there is nothing honorable in abusing people like that and YOU DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT.
May 4, 2013
Serzi
*then (not that)
May 4, 2013
Serzi
And, once again, I'm the loser. Boy, you really picked the word of the day. Thanks.
May 4, 2013
Linuxgirl
We could have said something about that lady, but nobody wants to go through a corporate investigation on top of possibly retaliation. I always feel karma will handle it.

As the webmaster said " people do not change". Instead of some jail time for theft, I won't be surprised when this particular person ends up in prison for embezzlement.

I don't think loser is the proper word for remembering specific personality traits and keeping a good distance away from said "thief", "drama queen" or any other trait deemed harmful to ones employment.

In life outside of work.. people like that get the smile/head nod I'm not getting paid to put up with that crap.

May 4, 2013 from Detroit, Michigan, United States
Webmaster
Just to clarify, I was using the term loser in a win/lose context.  You win if something positive comes out of the situation.  You lose if all it does is take your time, create stress and make relationships with those around you harder.
May 4, 2013 from Las Vegas, Nevada, United States
CreativityBySteffie
If someone is being "bullied", I would definetely stand up for them. However, I wouldnt do it by calling the mean person out, and start a fight, or use the word bitch. I feel that, that is very negative, and the victim, is most likey sad or hurt, and my own rudeness (which it is for me, if I get nasty to protect someone) is not going to make that person feel better. I usually just tell the person causing rudeness, that I feel sorry for their negativity and I hope that they will find a bit more self-security some day.I dont say that to be degrading, but because I honestly hope so. And thats that. I dont let it get to me, because if I cant control myself, Im not showing the victim, that it really doesnt matter if someone feels the need to be mean. 

I understand why you would get angry, rude people have a tendency to get under people's skin, and this is not the first post I have seen from you, where rude people have made you sad/angry. Like webby said, this has taken time away from you and thats a pity, because you know, you are never getting that back. Saying "thats just the way they are" is most likely true. A woman in my class, was out to get me, for the first 3 months of the year, for reasons I never understood. I told myself, that it was her, thats the way she is/needs to be - for some reason. So I ignored her as best as I could, until she realized that I was no fun. She went over to the next one, who ended up coming to me for advice (im in the student council) I then told her, how I delt with it and she started to ignore her. Now that woman, only has her sister to talk to in school, because she had been mean to so many people for no other reason than her own lack of self-worth. I truly hope that she will find a way to feel better or to understand why she is doing this, because the only feeling I have for her, is genuine pitty. 
May 5, 2013 from Aalborg, North Jutland, Denmark
PrincessPeach
I agree with webby on this. I can't be bothered to get into a confrontation with that type of person. They generally won't take any constructive criticism and will laugh the confrontation off. I'm not wasting my time on a wasted cause. You can't polish a turd!

Just the way they are to me isn't an excuse, it means exactly what is says. It's the polite way of calling somebody a twat without quite saying it/ going in depth and wasting time analysing why they might be one.
May 5, 2013 from United Kingdom
chipandchar
Preach it! haha No but seriously, I have some experiece in this area and like you, it floored me that other people defended this person with the excuse "that's just the way they are" because I took that to mean that what they were doing was being dismissed by others, and I felt like they didn't care that someone was treating me badly. This made me not want to let it go because I wanted to stand up for myself. But the thing is, at the same time I KNEW spending time thinking about it was harmful to me and I really didn't want to be a bitter person. So in my opinion, I say, tell that person what you need to say constructively. Whatever you need to say. And after that, let it go. I am a strong believer in     choosing how I feel at all times. I don't like being at the effect of everything that's going on around me, and that's the problem here. You can't just always be at a "reactive" stand point. This is where acceptance comes in. There really isn't anything you can do. The only person you can control is yourself. So if you feel like you need to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries....that's perfectly fine in my opinion. And like I said, after that CHOOSE your thoughts. Don't allow yourself to stay upset, because that harms you. And that is why we need to let things go. Not because the other person gets away with it, but for yourself. Also, remember this...everyone is pretty much living in their own little world...so don't take everything too personal. They don't have the same mindset as you, the same experiences, etc. Maybe they just really are that stupid. haha Or maybe they lack empathy because their life has been different than yours. Whatever makes them "just the way they are" like it or not, you're going to have to accept it. But I believe 100% in standing up for one's self as well. So do that, and move on. But don't let it mess with your head. 
May 5, 2013 from Kentucky, United States
Serzi
Truth be told, my deadly sin has probably always been Wrath. I'd like to say I'm getting better at dealing w/ it, but I find that since people have no qualms about telling me how I ought to be that I must have a right to my own opinion too. Maybe it doesn't change anything, maybe it doesn't mean a damn to anyone but me, but at least I didn't hold it in or project it onto anybody that didn't deserve it. I used to do that more than half my life and I find that being passive never served me well. It's poisonous to me.

And, a lot of the time, when I come to the defense of others it is really just because I am so sick of seeing people be ugly to each other without consequence. Karma really takes too long sometimes and, seriously, why tolerate that kind of abuse? They get so accustomed to not having their perceived superiority over others challenged that it's kind of refreshing to prove them wrong from time-to-time.

Still...I'll admit, you can't spell "apathetic" or "empathetic" w/out the word "pathetic".
May 5, 2013
HellOnHeelsNH
Omg "You can't polish a turd!" I am dying laughing over here! Tears! Roflmfao my girlfriend says "It's like a sore dick, you can't beat it!" Omg my stomach hurts!!
May 5, 2013 from Nashua, New Hampshire, United States
Dwiizie
I feel you Serzi, I do. I have had to deal with this Queen Bee thing with some of the "hooper cliques" in town. But I did eventually come to realize, that they are just selfish people that probably don't even know they hurt my feelings, and if they DO know, they probably don't care. Allowing them to take up space in my mind and life is not what is most beneficial to me. There are the natural inklings to feel justified, validated, or just to get even. Even does not exist, and often, justified or validated will just leave you always on the lookout for some apology, or grand revalation from the offending person. I went to a class recently on dealing with difficult people. My favorite part was when they said "Evict people from your mind that aren't paying rent". As in, if they are giving you nothing positive, contributing nothing to your life, then any thoughts on them are allowing them to subtract from your life. But when it is your life, as hard as it is sometimes, you control the math. I took 6 months away from the hoop community to heal from my experiences. Even when I went back to hooping, I avoided my own city like the plague to avoid "the mean girls". Then I realized how many awesome people I was missing because of the few bad apples. I realized I wanted to be in the community, I just had to set boundaries on what I will and will not tolerate, and remove myself from a situation and evict the situation/person from my mind if need be. I have a hoop workshop with Tiana Zoumer in June. The first time I will be face to face with the old "gang" again. And I don't care. If Queen Bee wants to try and exact some kind of weird imagined authority, I can simply look around me, look up to the sky, and KNOW that I have the exact same right to be here. I am love, I am light, I am STRONG, and I deserve to build my life as I want it. And yes, I truly hope that the insecurities and whatever else gives these few people their sense of entitlement, finds some kind of closure. I hope they learn to laugh, love, play, and just enjoy life instead of trying to win "the popular vote of the people" through manipulation and bullying. I really hope you can connect with yourself, find your strength, and rise above the Aholes. <3
May 6, 2013 from Richmond, Virginia, United States
sparrow
Boy, Dwiizie, I feel you! I had a VERY similar experience in the hoop community, with someone I thought was my friend and who became very insecure with/about me. I took a hiatus from facebook and then deleted her and most of those associated with her from my life. I need space in my life for those who love me back, and that toxicity had taken up entirely too much of my time and emotion. What a waste! We don't associate at all now, but I can also hold my head high and know I have every right to be who I am and where I am, too.

I learned from it...I was totally naive, because HOOPERS, like Yogis, aren't supposed to be competitive and catty, are they?! Much less, they're supposed to be enlightened and all. :/ But it can happen in any group.
May 6, 2013 from Indianapolis, Indiana, United States
Dwiizie
People are definitely interesting (those hoopers sure have a knack for making you believe you have a magical transformation circle free of personality conflicts and social dynamics lol. I guess in a way, you do, but OY!). It is curious though, how it seems the people that can be the most insensitive, uncompassionate, negative people, are the ones who are ALL ABOUT preaching about love and being positive and helping your fellow man. Hippies, Yogis, religious types, the all peaceful hooper, the PLUR (peace, love, unity, respect) electro dance and burner crews. Self responsibility is all I can try and maintain. Trying to change others is futile. Wishing for or expecting change is also a big time waster. We are all on our own path, and I hope that everyone's eventually leads them to a place of love and acceptance. I DO wish the best for those people (or try to in some cases, I'm not perfect) but there are some that remain blocked on Facebook just because my path is not able to mingle with theirs without a complete derailment of my own ability to turn my light on. I have to be strong, whole, and healthy, for the good of myself, and to be of any good to anyone else.
May 6, 2013 from Richmond, Virginia, United States
sparrow
I agree, I saw the same thing. Peace, love, compassion preaching and all that...those tend to be the ones not living it. Wierd, huh? That's now a pet peeve of mine and a big red flag, lol. Totally agree with what you said, and I will derail too, which is why I distance myself. xoxo
May 6, 2013 from Indianapolis, Indiana, United States
Serzi
Idk, apparently we all have very different encounters w/ rude people or it works differently for different people. I go w/ what has worked for me.

It seems that telling people off or just making sure they know I'm not going to lay down and play dead everytime they start shit has been better for my psyche than the whole "pretend it doesn't bother you", "just ignore them", "don't waste your breath" approach. Been there, done that. Either I'm just plain doing it wrong or my mind lacks the dilligaf mechanism you all seem to have. Count yourselves very fortunate that it works for you, my inner peace seems to come only after some outward expression or it will build up and explode. My "let it go" does not exist without some sort of action.

Pole helps this, I am happy to say, but in a setting where I know I should call it like I see it I often take the opportunity because it's direct and quicker.

Exhibit A: Chick constantly has a chip on her shoulder because she has zero patience for anyone outside her clique. She pushes the boundaries to see how nasty she can be. I tell her, flat out, "Don't look at me in that tone unless you're prepared to hear it. You got something to say?" Her eyes bug out of her head, she stammers, and then takes a step back. Avoids me from that point on and I no longer have eyes burning a hole in my back everyday. Life just got easier despite the adrenaline rush I inevitably need to recover from afterward. I'd rather feel a bit ill for a day rather than every single day trying to pretend I don't notice or care.

Exhibit B: Loud, obnoxious douche who thinks and speaks highly of himself, but insults everyone else daily. He is particularly homophobic and obviously sexually frustrated because no women are quite as charmed by him as he is w/ himself. One day, I tell him so. I do so in a way that is as public as all his prior insults, but considerably more calm and honest. He spouts off a bunch of inaccurate observations about me, I laugh, he storms off. The next day he puts in his two-week notice, he is placed on a shift opposite of me, and I never see or hear from him again.

Exhibit C: I am new to a job. I say "Hello." to one of my new co-workers, they ignore me. I continue to say "Hello." just to see if the response will change. It doesn't. While walking w/ another co-worker in the hall, we come upon the one that ignores me everyday. In mid- conversation, I work in: "...and there's that guy who can't see or hear me because he's too HIGH!" This jolts the red-eyed jackass, quite possibly because he is genuinely baked and now quite paranoid. He acknowledges me from that day on.

These are just a few examples of how my reactivity has benefited me. It doesn't always go quite so smoothly, it really is not how I like to behave, but it is a way to cope that often has given me more positive results than doing the "ignore them and they go away eventually" or "karma" approach.

Like I said, maybe I'm doing it wrong.


May 6, 2013
 
calipolepixie
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